I had to bring mom down from NJ to FL. I was supposed to drive her car from NJ to the auto-train. She changed everything so she could stop off and see her niece in MD. Non stop abuse. We were five minutes from her house when mom started screaming at me about a bar of soap I put back on a counter so she could pack it. No, I should have put it in her hand. I had dinner with the cousins and went to bed immediately after dinner foregoing some nice time with my cousin and her kids I had never met before. The next day she drove to the train and I just sat there for 3 hours being demeaned. The train was 4 hours late getting into Sanford station. She let me drive. I connected the phone, music and waze to her stereo. She turned the volume way down and launched Waze on her phone so I couldn't hear the directions on the audio system. According to her my phone wasn't working (because she sabotaged it). I asked her to turn off waze on her phone and she wouldn't. I drove for 2 hours with her gasping, grabbing the door handles, and telling me that I was missing what waze was saying (again she turned the volume off). After 2 hours of her front-seat/back-seat Waze reporting behavior I had it. I put on headphones and let her drive. Never, Never again will I drive her car south with her in it. If she wants to fine!!!! I just hope she doesn't kill anyone (let alone herself). What do you do when trapped by an abuser?
Walk away. She can only abuse you if you allow it.
Are you dependent upon her in some way? Are you her guardian?
If neither of those applies, you simply stop showing up and block her calls.
I will say some prayers for you: I had an abusive parent and it's not easy to cope with.
***you said: No I am on disability and she is my representative payee. (I've had adhd, bipolar, dyslecxia, GAD, just bad wiring). She is starting to mess up my accounts and my family is ready to put that in professional hands.
This is another form of abuse! And sweetie, i bet you dollars to donuts that some of your 'bad wiring' is a result of years of manipulation and abuse.
Tomorrow morning call the social security administration and ask them how you get a representative payee that WILL keep your best interests in mind and NOT cause you damage because they are not doing their fudiciary responsibility.
When all of the nonsense started with my dad, 2016, I was told by SSA that I could hire a professional rep payee for my dad and it was 35.00 monthly for them to handle his finances.
I am sorry that your mom doesn't have any regard for anyone besides herself, so common amongst senior citizens it seems.
Let her pitch a fit and rant and rave, NO! is a complete sentence and you are not her personal slave. Sabotage the technical stuff mom, you can call a professional and pay them for the services that you have been receiving from me for free, or you can pay me and schedule a time, no more jumping.
One thing that you may be facing is that she could be developing dementia and truly doesn't have the capacity to be anything other than what she is. She is pretty old and could be struggling with her own abilities.
I think that boundaries and separation of mom and money is in your future so that you can not feel endangered by telling her no.
I can understand being trapped in a vehicle with abuse. I drove from Boise, ID to Las Vegas, NV in 10 hours because I was going to explode dealing with my dads crap. I could have killed us, but I didn't even care at the time. I thought that I would be happier dead then to hear one more nasty hateful word from his mouth. Which driving in excess of 95 mph, he was scared silent, so it worked. I wouldn't endanger us again, but I truly didn't care at that point.
Protect your wellbeing, you matter.
This situation sounds impossible. Impossible to deal with! Honestly, I don’t know how you didn’t have a nervous break down or a heart attack!
I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. I think this forum would have had to tell me to shut up because I probably would have wanted to vent for at least 10 pages.
You deserve better and you know it. I feel your pain. Take a break. A long break! Don’t step back into the fire. You’ve been through enough hell.
Hugs! 💗
Big print so you can have your mom read it to you,, or, vs.
I tried doing that when he was complaining about my driving :-/ (kidding)
One time he was pointing in a direction, so I followed his finger right up and over a bump in the road. It was some kind of marker. As we drove over the bump, he winced in pain. then he told me, "don't go over those, it hurts." I'm pretty sure I would have avoided it, had he not pointed at it....
Dad, I miss You.
After working a midnight shift (after taking the auto train the night before) and having no sleep I had to go to an Unveiling ceremony (done 6 months after a Jewish funeral to reveal the tombstone to the family). After the ceremony I just looked her and started crying and told her "You hurt me very badly". Her response, "what did I do now?" I got in my car and went home.
The next day she wanted to know why. My brother got nowhere with her about what she does to me. She just turned the crap around to blame it on my dad and my relationship with him. I just told her it was the accumulation of no sleep and arguing with her all week and that I just wanted to put it behind me.
I see my therapist on Tuesday. I was fine before she got here while she was up in NJ for 6 months. I dread her being here.
My nephew was ADHD and so is my grandson. Ages 29 and 25. Both were weaned off their meds and doing Ok. Nephew does have a neurological problem and grandson suffers from epilepsy. I have a cousin who suffers from BiPolar so I have an idea where ur coming from.
Talk to ur therapist about setting boundries. And when u do, you have to stick by them. Talk to him/her about the payee problem. Maybe he can help get ur SS back into your hands. I oversee my nephews accounts. I am payee for his Government Annuity because its required when you claim disability. I transfer his rent and utilities over to his checking acct. He has this to learn how to handle money. His SS is for his food, phone and spending money. I am on all his accts so I am able to check to make sure his bills are being paid. (Nephews neurological problem effects his maturity level. He really is more like a 19 yr old then 29. This maybe as far as he will go maturity wise)
You don’t need the headache. You mom does nothing but cause you stress. I wish she wasn’t the way she is but nobody can change her. You know that. I have no doubt that she contributed to your mental health issues. I am glad that you had a good father. He validated you. She hasn’t.
Please know I am not trying to hurt you by insulting your mom. I am only pointing out her behavior because I don’t like that she is upsetting you.
If you are kind enough to help her out as often as you do she should appreciate it, not take you for granted and certainly not interfere with what needs to be done. She needs to be thankful that you are doing her a favor. She doesn’t get to devalue you and stress you out. You’re the qualified one, not her. She doesn’t have the tech background, you do. Remind her of that!
She needs you! Do you really need her? Maybe she was there for you in your time of need and I applaud that. That doesn’t entitle her to act the way she does though. If anything, she is well aware of all that you have been through and she should be proud of you for working so hard to rebuild your life. You with the help of medical professionals picked yourself back up and worked through issues. You did that. Not your mom.
You worked hard to put the pieces back together. You know this. She assisted with certain things but you did all of the necessary hard work to get your life back on track.
She doesn’t get to destroy your hard work. Tell her that you will do the chores that she needs if you wish but only on your terms. She can go to another room and butt out instead of interfering. No one likes to have that kind of interference. This isn’t constructive criticism. It is trying to manipulate and control and you don’t deserve that.
You are being considerate of her by helping her. She needs to be considerate of you. Best wishes to you. Hugs!
I set up her computer at her home and went back to mine. She called me an hour later. She wanted me to hand hold her on buying something on Amazon. I blew a fuse. I started screaming at her the I had enough of her and her f(*(*ing computer and hung up on her.
I took 2 days off from her. When we spoke I told her that the combination of her computer naivete and the trip to Florida had caused me to come unglued.
We agreed we needed to hash things out. When she had gone north last Spring our relationship had been good and now it was totally dysfunctional.
We discussed the following:
1. She is getting to the point where she is always uncomfortable and/or is sick. She isn't getting better only worse.
2. She is starting to spend the better part of her week at a variety of doctor's offices and doesn't like it.
3. She is depressed and frightened.
4. She always took great care of herself and worked out almost everyday for at least an hour. The doctor told her to ease up on this.
5. She is about to go from a cane to a walker.
6. She is aware of how she treated me and that she is sorry.
Mom is aware that I have become more and more the person she relies on for help. (Last spring we had a run to the hospital because she had fallen down and hurt herself. She was treated poorly by the emergency room doctors and had to go to x-ray 6 times because of it. We were there for 6 hours instead of 2 because of the doctor treating her like a befuddled senior citizen. I spoke to the head nurse and told her what I thought about this. I was upset without getting mean and nasty, I was able to expedite her diagnosis and discharge from the hospital. Mom was amazed at how I acted and got her attended to much more quickly than she would have done herself.
We discussed that there isn't a cure for getting old and dying. We are going to get a company that does social security representative payee services. I told her getting old sucks and that I am getting older too. She asked me how do I know that I am getting old (I had bariatric surgery 3 years ago and lost 180lbs and am now at 175lbs and feel better physically and mentally than at any other point of my life). I answered her that I look at young people in their 20s and know that I most likely won't be around when they are in their 60s. I no longer have decades and decades of comfortable life ahead of me, that I will die also.
Mom is also going to see a psychiatrist about these issues. My brother thought her issues were my issues and we both needed therapy. I told him about the conversation mom and I had and he realized that I was right. I already see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Her misbehavior over the last two weeks were her worries, concerns and depression and she was taking it out on me.
I told Mom that instead of her being nasty to me she needs to tell me how she is feeling. I also said I don't give a crap about her computer that when we talk how she feels is my priority. I told her that I am not tech support I am her son. If she needs computer help I will come over every couple of days. Ninety-five percent of her calls to me where tech calls.
That had had to stop.
The sit down was very productive and we are back to where we were last Spring. We agreed to put the trip down in the past and move one.