I was told by a Professional, that our loved one will never admit they are fine with AL, as that would mean they lost all control of their life. No one wants to admit that.
Linda, I am not sure Mom will truly fully adjust. I think she will just realize that no matter what, this is where she will stay, regardless of how she acts and how many hissy fits she throws.
Wow your mom sounds exactly like mine except that she won't go into assisted living and every time I bring it up, she goes into hysterics and this big drama scene. I'm "throwing her to the dogs" she says. She refuses to believe she has Alzheimer's and thinks I'm making it up to get rid of her. I'm an only child and she is so clingy and needy and is sucking the life out of me. I don't know what to do
You did the right thing and your mom will adjust. Mine never will. Good luck to you.
I want to second what km says. Elders are not going to volunteer to do what is right for them ( not most of them, anyway). I sat my mom down and said, this isn't working for me anymore, mom. If you don't stand up for yourself, your health and your sanity, who do you think will do that?
You say that your mother is 87, ( well within the age group for assisted living). Mind if I ask exactly what conditions does she have that you can't handle, so that you felt that you needed to place her in Assisted Living instead of Independent Living?
You're going to go through some series of guilt. It will hit you like a ton of bricks. When it happens, just remember that it was the best decision for her. My mother would call me and tell me how horrible it was. I would go visit and find out she has been the social queen. I would be angry because I felt so horrible but i learned that I wasn't the bad guy afterall. She needed time to adjust. Its been over 5 months now since she moved in her ALF and still complains but it's only for the moment and I've learned to let it roll off my back. Good luck and don't be hard on yourself.
UPDATE: Moved Mom into Assisted Living last Friday. On the hour-long trip down we talked about the place, how nice it is (she has been there 2x already), she said as long as my sister & I thought it was the thing to do then she would have an open mind, make the best of it, blah blah blah. Until she realized THAT NIGHT she would be staying there. I became the enemy. She pouted, said she wasn't going to talk to me & in the next breath declared I was mean, blah blah blah.
Redirected as best I could & when we got there she was OK again. I thought she had forgotten. Wrong! I left her in the room with the director & went to park the car. As soon as I walked out, her face fell & she started crying. Told the director we were dumping her off, she wouldn't see any of her children again, blah blah blah.
When I came back in, I was the enemy again. *sigh* Only when her long-time aide arrived did we see a smile on her face. BIG smile, mind you -- and she wouldn't look at me again.
After that it was a rough on & off. Got her into her room, while she was having her hair done I moved her clothes into the room. Went to dinner in the dining room. Had a nice dinner and she had apparently forgotten again she was staying.
After dinner, when we weren't walking towards the front door but instead down a hallway towards her room, she started in again. Berating me the entire time down to her room. Two very long hallways -- or so they seemed. I kept right on walking and I guess she felt she had no choice but to follow me if she wanted to make her opinion known to me. To me and everyone else within a 2-mile radius.
Got her into her room & it continued. You're dumping me here. Please don't leave me alone. No one will ever visit me. Why can't you take me home? I want to go home with you. I want to go back to my own home. Why are you doing this to me? Whatever have I done to you to deserve this? OMG - trying every possible type of manipulation to get her way. She wouldn't change into her PJs, so I decided to let her win that battle.
Deciding 2 can play at the guilt game, I finally said to her that if I took her home with me then I would have to cancel my 1st vacation in 15 years with my husband and did she want me to do that because after all you always said husbands come first and you always put daddy first and you always made sure you went away together and now I can't if you come home with me. That got her … kinda. Lied again (the vacation bit was a lie) & said my sister would be there tomorrow (true) & she could go home with her (not true). I just wanted to get the heck out of there! Tucked her into bed fully clothed & high-tailed it home.
Talked with the director the following morning. Every time an aide came in to help her or check up on her, she kicked them out of her room. They had to finally get the director down there to calm her down. I am still mean, but so are all my siblings now -- according to Mom.
Haven't heard anything about how she is today. A brother was going to stop by for a bit this afternoon. He is probably right now listening to her rant about us. I did hear she was happily interacting and participating yesterday afternoon.
This sweet little old lady who always acquiesced to Dad and then my sister & I suddenly has a backbone of steel & a mouth to match it. Whoa!
So sorry for the long update, but I thought it important to share. Especially since she agreed to this all along and we thought we made her a part of the decision making.
Appreciate the insight folks. We have a meeting with an organization here that sends a Geriatric Care Manager and a nurse to assess the situation and intermediate as a third party to help with transitioning.....Trying to approach in the most positive manner I can think of....will let you know how this all works out.
SherylBeth, I live about 55 miles away from my Mom. Was up to 4x/week that I would go down. Got to be too much for me...and everyone else. Visited the AL again today, even went to her room where her chair, dresser, pictures, etc. are. She got a little weepy but is now resigned to going there "to try it out" and plans on making the best of it while there. Fingers crossed.
Kdom, your answer was more helpful than you know. I'm an only child in my mid 60's, hubby is nearly 70 and there is no way I can take care of my mother in my home. She is way too dependent on me and I learned early on to put up barriers so she wouldn't overtake my life, but as mom worsens I know I have to do something. But getting her into assisted living is going to be a nightmare. She has no short term memory but is very aware of her surroundings. Thanks so much for your answer and for caring enough to answer. We're all in this together even though sometimes it feels we're all alone. Take care and God bless. Linda
Try to have someone from AL facility visit with your Dad. That helped with getting my Mom there. Then we told her Movers coming next ...to get your bed and dresser. Despite all previous objections she went to AL. Even refused to see the place before she got there, but is getting along better than family expected. The AL set her up with a Buddy to invite her to meals, etc in the main dining room.It takes time, lots of love and involvement, but it can work!
I am facing a similar dilemma with my 93 yr old father who is currently in his second rehab stay since Sept due to a fall. This fall has really taken a toll on him and the family. I had him at home but could not get him to eat or drink much so he has a great weight loss and has been to ER twice with constipation due to meds(methadone) for his back. This time they kept him in hospital 3 days and transferred to rehab but after my visit last night I just don't see how he can come home anymore. We also have my brother who has MS here at home too. I have tried to take care of it all, but I just don't see how my Dad can come home and survive without medical intervention when needed. I am just so afraid to bring up the subject about him staying anywhere else that I just freeze up! I have visited about 5 places myself and do see how he would fit in there, but I am so afraid to hear his objections that I just ignore the subject. Not totally though, because I spend every waking moment thinking about what I should do. Any advice? I would appreciate all thoughts
Just put Mom in AL 6 weeks ago. At first, she was pleased as can be with her "apt" as she calls it, but has had UTI since and got very confused. Now seems better, but mixed up, repeating She believes she is ony at AL for the winter!!Don't know what happens in Spring, but her level of care has increased. She isn't mad at family, so hopefully will adjust and get to main dining room. She has always been a loner, and likes to have makeup on and dressed just so before meeting anyone. I feel guilty, but relieved she is not home alone anymore. She needs meal and meds.supervision. It is an adjustment for family. Be patient with yourself and your loved one.
Kdcm1011...how far away did you live from your mom before she moved in with you? My mom is the same way...wants to stay home and have me just help as needed with shopping, appts, checkbook, etc...shes about 20 miles away.
Its quite challenging to both the patient and the caregiver at first. I find it helpful knowing what the patient routines or rituals at home so the assign caregivers will not misunderstood any behavior or misdiagnosed. So let them know what you do at home that helps her. The assigned caregiver can collaborate with that and may have a therapeutic intervention to add to it. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.
Linda, mine was like that. She lived "alone" in her own home "on my own, thank you" for the past few years and is in the middle stages of dementia. Finally, it got to be too exhausting for everyone "visiting her" as she termed it, and we told her we couldn't do it anymore and she had to live with one of us or in a NH. She moved in with one of us (me) and it was more overwhelming and intrusive than we ever could have imagined. She started to get unhappy here when we stopped catering to her, in essence treating her like one of the family. Because of that, she is now willing to go "somewhere else where people talk to me". Ha!
I am sure that rambling wasn't any help to you and your question. Just wanted to share that my mom was the same as your mom, adamant about not leaving her house. They all are. I am sure we will be the same when it is our time. It eventually reaches a point where there is no other choice, they will be unhappy wherever they are, and we have to decide what is best for their safety and our own sanity.
My mom refuses to leave her home but she's in stage 5 Alzheimer's and needs the help. She doesn't even remember to eat! How do I get her into AL when she's so adamant about not leaving her home?
We are moving my mother into an ALF on Friday (today is Monday). We visited it last week, saw what would her her actual room, met some very nice residents, etc. She doesn't remember much these days but does remember (1) she and I went on a nice drive the other day and (2) we were at some very nice place that will be her new home. Somehow or another she knows she will be moving there by the end of this week (I never mentioned a day because they are irrelevant to her now) and says it is good "because I am too old to be here" (my homewinery 5 20-something young adults are still here). My sister placed her furniture in the room already, some clothes, and some pictures. We are visiting there again today and if need be will do so again on Wednesday. The plan is to spend some time in the actual room, getting her involved in rearranging the furniture, placing the pics, etc.
She had me up 3 million times last night waiting for "someone to get me and take me to my new home". I pray she will be just as excited when the actual time does come!
My mother is in an assisted living facility. At the time, she was able to go with to check out places around us. Some look like hotels and others like home. Beware of the cost! My mother needs assistance and it would have been our private search and payment to have such in one. Basically, it was like living in a hotel. Check to see if the facility has care extending the normal and what the extra costs are for each need. My mother needs assistance with dressing and bathing now everyday plus getting up so if it is more that once in a while and a Dailey need there is a monthly charge. I would rather her be there than in a nursing home if they are willing to do more. My mom is 89 and has been there for almost a year. She is familiar with everyone and feels comfortable in her own room with her own furniture, pictures, etc. it was an adjustment both physically and mentally. The best of luck to you!
Well done Iag4309! You were in a unique position to make a transition as smooth as possible. One woman I know did a similar thing with adult day care. The ADC was attached to a great nursing home. When her husband was at ADC, she'd take him to stroll the floor of the nursing home and even asked the ADC staff to do the same. When the time came for him to get a room at the NH he hardly noticed the difference. It was the best that could be expected.
Last year when My Mom was 89, she was in a Rehab center recovering from a blood clot. The Doctor and Social Worker told me that I should not bring her home with me. She is stage 5 Alzheimer so she needs to be moved to a nursing home. I didn't feel my Mom was ready so I told her that I was going to find an assisted living facility for her, where there were people her age, etc. I took her there a couple times before committing to the facility. I secured her a room and had a month before she was actually going to be living there, so we visited there every couple days while I was setting up her room. This was the best way to transition her in to a facility versus just moving her in. It was a show and tell kind of transition which I believed worked best so she could have an idea what it was going to be like versus her wondering and worrying about the future.
good idea on the geriatric manager. my M-I-L went on a hunger strike b/c her family did not do enough planning and ended up in a geriatric psyph hosp for a few days. Funny that she started eating again when she got to hosp which was obviously more restrictive. she is back home w/family for 6 months now and is the same as when they put her in. She will need to go in again at one point in the future when the 2 families agree and with a lot more planning that time.
You did the right thing and your mom will adjust. Mine never will. Good luck to you.
Redirected as best I could & when we got there she was OK again. I thought she had forgotten. Wrong! I left her in the room with the director & went to park the car. As soon as I walked out, her face fell & she started crying. Told the director we were dumping her off, she wouldn't see any of her children again, blah blah blah.
When I came back in, I was the enemy again. *sigh* Only when her long-time aide arrived did we see a smile on her face. BIG smile, mind you -- and she wouldn't look at me again.
After that it was a rough on & off. Got her into her room, while she was having her hair done I moved her clothes into the room. Went to dinner in the dining room. Had a nice dinner and she had apparently forgotten again she was staying.
After dinner, when we weren't walking towards the front door but instead down a hallway towards her room, she started in again. Berating me the entire time down to her room. Two very long hallways -- or so they seemed. I kept right on walking and I guess she felt she had no choice but to follow me if she wanted to make her opinion known to me. To me and everyone else within a 2-mile radius.
Got her into her room & it continued. You're dumping me here. Please don't leave me alone. No one will ever visit me. Why can't you take me home? I want to go home with you. I want to go back to my own home. Why are you doing this to me? Whatever have I done to you to deserve this? OMG - trying every possible type of manipulation to get her way. She wouldn't change into her PJs, so I decided to let her win that battle.
Deciding 2 can play at the guilt game, I finally said to her that if I took her home with me then I would have to cancel my 1st vacation in 15 years with my husband and did she want me to do that because after all you always said husbands come first and you always put daddy first and you always made sure you went away together and now I can't if you come home with me. That got her … kinda. Lied again (the vacation bit was a lie) & said my sister would be there tomorrow (true) & she could go home with her (not true). I just wanted to get the heck out of there! Tucked her into bed fully clothed & high-tailed it home.
Talked with the director the following morning. Every time an aide came in to help her or check up on her, she kicked them out of her room. They had to finally get the director down there to calm her down.
I am still mean, but so are all my siblings now -- according to Mom.
Haven't heard anything about how she is today. A brother was going to stop by for a bit this afternoon. He is probably right now listening to her rant about us. I did hear she was happily interacting and participating yesterday afternoon.
This sweet little old lady who always acquiesced to Dad and then my sister & I suddenly has a backbone of steel & a mouth to match it. Whoa!
So sorry for the long update, but I thought it important to share. Especially since she agreed to this all along and we thought we made her a part of the decision making.
I am sure that rambling wasn't any help to you and your question. Just wanted to share that my mom was the same as your mom, adamant about not leaving her house. They all are. I am sure we will be the same when it is our time. It eventually reaches a point where there is no other choice, they will be unhappy wherever they are, and we have to decide what is best for their safety and our own sanity.
Good luck.
We are moving my mother into an ALF on Friday (today is Monday). We visited it last week, saw what would her her actual room, met some very nice residents, etc. She doesn't remember much these days but does remember (1) she and I went on a nice drive the other day and (2) we were at some very nice place that will be her new home. Somehow or another she knows she will be moving there by the end of this week (I never mentioned a day because they are irrelevant to her now) and says it is good "because I am too old to be here" (my homewinery 5 20-something young adults are still here). My sister placed her furniture in the room already, some clothes, and some pictures. We are visiting there again today and if need be will do so again on Wednesday. The plan is to spend some time in the actual room, getting her involved in rearranging the furniture, placing the pics, etc.
She had me up 3 million times last night waiting for "someone to get me and take me to my new home". I pray she will be just as excited when the actual time does come!
Good luck to both is us!
My mother needs assistance and it would have been our private search and payment to have such in one. Basically, it was like living in a hotel. Check to see if the facility has care extending the normal and what the extra costs are for each need. My mother needs assistance with dressing and bathing now everyday plus getting up so if it is more that once in a while and a Dailey need there is a monthly charge. I would rather her be there than in a nursing home if they are willing to do more. My mom is 89 and has been there for almost a year. She is familiar with everyone and feels comfortable in her own room with her own furniture, pictures, etc. it was an adjustment both physically and mentally. The best of luck to you!
Carol