I'm torn between my own young family and my elderly father. Does anyone have advice?

Star, is the daily care thing a temporary situation, or is it the "new normal" from here on In?

Only you and your husband can decide what is right for your family. Does your dad need more help than you all are able/ willing to give Him?

Try not to compare your life to that of your neighbors. All families go through bumps in the road. The thing is to figure out the balance that works for you.

Those feelings are not uncommon for caregivers, thank you for sharing, because many don't. Caregiving is not easy by any means. If your dad can afford it, I would try to find a licensed caregiver to help you, best to go through a company. You can hire them to come in for just a few hours a day or even less like every other day or once a week, you could hire one to take dad to some of his daily appointments after a few trips of you showing the caregiver the routine and getting dad comfortable with the idea. I also had a caregiver hired who went with me and my dad to many of his appointments. Whatever you do find some time for yourself, and it's hard but the frustrations of caregiving are not typically ones that non caregivers can really understand, that why this is a good place to share, vent and ask questions.

Dad might need to arrange to get to some of his appointments on his own. Ask the medical team what options are available that other patients might be using. Dad will have to pay.

I have been providing increasing extra care for my Dad for the last 5 years after my MUM passed away from Alzheimers. My children are now 7 and 9. I work evenings tutoring. Dad's need has increased drastically recently and I don't feel like I'm coping.

Your children resent it because you resent it. Besides getting more outside help, go to a caregiver support group. You can vent safely and get really good advice from people in your area and in similar circumstances.

I can tell you right now that I bet that your Father would NOT want you to give up your life, the happiness of your family to care for him.
It is a parents job to care for their family, raise their children and then send them out to do the same for their family.
No parent wants to burden their children with caring for an elderly, probably ill parent while trying to raise their own family.
Where does Dad currently live? Home alone? If so is it possible to get caregivers that will come in and help him as much as is necessary?
Is Assisted Living a possibility? If so many will go from Independent Living to Assisted to Memory Care so he would not have to move again.
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so the VA has many programs that may help. Anything from Homemaker services a few times a week to V.I.P. (Veterans Independence Program) that will provide a budget to allow you to hire caregivers, a cleaning service or other services that may be needed. And if he is a Veteran if any of his medical issues can be traced and qualify as a "Service connected disability" then he my be eligible for MUCH more.
Check with a local Senior Service in your Town or County and see if he qualifies for help through any programs they have.
But if caring for your Dad will put a lot of stress on you and your family as difficult as any of these decisions can be you HAVE to put your family first and I am sure your Dad would agree. If you were to go back to your Wedding day or even 5 years ago when your Dad was well and asked him if he would want you to care for him he would tell you that he would want your happiness to come first, that he would want you to put your family first and that he would not want to burden you with his care.

Couple ideas:
1. Check locally, starting with your city hall (or dads) for local resources you may be able to pull in to help with various tasks. Anything anyone would be able to offer will lessen your own burden, and hopefully lead to your being less resentful.
2. You need to establish some boundaries for yourself if you can. Even if there is one day where other help is in, that can be your day off.
3. Not that you need any other hassles, but be aware of what messages you are sending your kids. Kids are those who will be OUR caregivers as we get older, and lets hope they have compassion and patience for us!
4. I don't know what the finances of the situation are. I've heard of the "granny" homes, self-contained suites that are on the property of the caregiving family, in space within the yard or whatever. Everyone still has their own space, but you alleviate the travel time hassles.
5. Would any of you consider Dad moving in, if feasible? I know that is a big one...and a huge lifestyle change...especially if his personality is abrasive.
There are many programs in most cities to help keep people as independent as possible. Like all good daughters, you are doing the best you can...I have found it impossible to ever completely please my own father. He's 100. Just the other day I spent 8 solid hours cleaning a particular room of the house. In the end his comment was when I was I going to get to doing the same in the garage. It will never be good enough and isn't worth all the energy to try. Our best has to be good enough. Take care...because...if something happens to you, then you will find out in a hurry how much you are doing and what resources are available for your dad...

Personally, if I had children I would expect them to take care of me. That's what families in my culture do. We were not raised to split off from our family to form "nuclear" families and cut off the rest. I grew up with at least one grandparent in the house all the time. This is how one generation honors their parents. By caring for them even if it is inconvenient.

PCVS, the thing is that "traditional" cultures used the lives of women, unpaid, insecure, to accomplish caring for elders. Nowadays, women need to work, build up retirement credits, savings, skills, etc. - to expect women to do the compassionate work of a society gratis is just not fair. When the elder they are caring for dies, then what future security does the caregiver have?

Star77, does your dad live with you? Is he on a fixed income or does he have some savings he could spend on his care? Are you in the UK or Australia/NZ? Maybe there is someone on here who knows more about resources available in your country.

This probably won't be that helpful, but I just could sympathize so much with the feeling that time moves so fast when you have young kids. You want to cherish their childhood, but it is so hard to do that when you're being pulled in so many directions.

My mom was primary caregiver to my grandpa but my sister and I helped with his care. We did not live with him. My kids are about your age. When he was still with us, I used to worry about the vacations and things that seemed "normal" for young families. Now that he is gone, the vacations and big things don't matter. What I regret more is the day to day stress that I allowed myself to bring into our home, the constant worry, the hours I spent daily trying to get him help instead of doing things for my kids.

I am happy that my kids loved him so much and spent that time with him. Not many kids their age know someone who grew up in that era, not to mention he was just really a special person.

However I wish I had prioritized better and had known how to "take charge" of our family dynamic better, and just said "These are my limits" instead of trying to work around what everyone else (the adults) preferred. Learning to distinguish between needs and preferences earlier on in this process would have made a big difference in how I handled things.

Little things that might help are making sure your kids have space to play and be kids where your dad isn't dominating the room. (Sometimes elders have a tendency to plant themselves in the center of the house and then discourage any sort of noise or activity.)

Maybe try to do a mom and kid night once a week where your focus can be something fun. I feel like you don't need to be a "perfect" mom 100% of the time, being a loving mom is plenty. But they do hold onto fun memories, even if it just an evening trip to the ice cream parlor or a surprise trip to the playground.

It also seems like kids feel better when their mom is happy. So try to do something nice for yourself here and there. (Plus you are in your prime now and should be enjoying that too.)

In the bigger picture though, you probably need some time to think about what is reasonable for you, your dad and your family. I don't think that you being the sole caregiver for your dad is going to be sustainable in the longer term. You have already been through so much. You need to heal and to have time to catch your breath too. I hope that there is some help available in your region. Your kids know you are doing your best, I'm sure. And they probably love your dad. But if you are feeling like things are out of balance, then don't be afraid to try to make some changes.

Well that is long and rambling but just wanted to share that I know at least a little part of how you might feel, and hope you can find a way to see that you are important in the scheme of things too.

Kids and husband come first. Parents next. Maybe the needs of both can be accommodated. If something has to give, it has to give on the parent side of things.

Pick out the services where having YOU help adds to the quality of Dad's life. For those things that anyone could do as long as they get done, delegate! Does it matter who takes Dad to all appointments? Does it matter who cleans his house?

When my mom was being assessed for assistance she said, "No, my daughters clean the house. I don't need help." And one of the daughters spoke up: "Mom we have limited time to be with you. When we are here we want to play scrabble with you, not scrub your toilet!" I think that is a nice way to look at priorities.

lindylu thank you, so much of what you say resonates. My children are so good and have always had to fit it with my parents and the things I've felt I have to do for them. We are in the UK and Dad lives in his own home but hates where he is ( but won't change) and has kind of given up since Mum died. He won't get any help apart from me and everything I do to try and improve things is a physical battle, he let his home get into a terrible state and over the last few years I managed to improve it some what but just getting cleaning done ends with him shouting at me. What you said about planting himself in the room and having no threshold for noise and play is so true! This is why he could not live with us. I think it is just that I feel so alone at times, he has very few visitors as he has either pushed them away or isolated himself from them. I am starting to feel a little better now and the advise and responses on this forum help. When I feel a bit stronger I am going to make some changes and try to restore the balance.

PCVS - because you actually do not have children I think it's fair to say you can't possibly accurately project how you'd feel if you did.

I don't mean that as an insult - please don't interrupt it as such.

Have you talked to his doctor about his isolation and sadness?

Luv your post lindylu!

Hi Star, I know what you mean about the cleaning! My grandpa couldn't see the food he'd spilled everywhere and would get mad at us for "moving around too much" when we were cleaning! When we started getting outside help, it did make a difference. He didn't like it at first but we had some really nice ladies he warmed up to quickly. It made a big difference to my mom who was getting burnt out -- once she starting getting a little break it was easier for her to see that we needed more help with him. I also found myself calling friends less or not talking to new people because I felt like all I had on my brain was eldercare and dementia stuff (luckily Agingcare is a good outlet for that.) I am glad you are starting to feel a little bit better -- it's just an ongoing process. Your kids sound very sweet!

Bella, thank you!:)

Lindylu agree with you 100 percent. I have one daughter. Love her very very much. It took us 10 years to have her. 3 IVF's. quite a few miscarriages. So it is suffice to say that's she s been a little spoiled. My major point is that neither my husband or myself want to live with her and her family when we are all older. It's not normal. Family dynamics change. It's intrusive. I wish my mom had never wanted to move in with us. That was 23 years ago. Now dementia

PCVS, in mainstream US culture, we are raised to split off from our family to form our own "nuclear" families. It is not typical to "cut off" the family of origin. We do reunions, we do picnics, we do holidays, we sometimes do vacations with our parents and/or siblings. We stay connected. But we are not expected to disrupt our own nuclear family or our careers to devote ourselves to elderly parents.

I am a widow. I have an injured hamstring muscle right now and it is painful to bend over. I emailed a son that I was having trouble cleaning up some broken glass. He will stop by after work to do it for me. He has not "cut me off" but I certainly wouldn't expect to live with him or for him to stop work and take care of me.

Several factors would make it very difficult to implement a parent's-are-taken-care-of-by-children approach here.

1) First, it is against long-practiced culture. To be a successful parent means your children have gone out on their own, have careers, perhaps have families of their own. In mainstream US culture for parents to expect a daughter or son to give up their lives to care for them would be considered selfish and unhealthy, as Grandma1954 says.
2) Ours is a highly mobile culture. A couple may have a daughter with a successful career in Milwaukee, a son with a farm implement dealership in North Dakota, where he grew up, and another son who lives in San Diego and travels internationally. Mom and Dad have left ND and live in Arizona now.
3) We live longer -- much longer -- than at any time in history. The period over which older people may need care is MUCH longer than for previous generations.
4) Because we live longer we are much more apt to suffer from debilitating and extremely expensive diseases. Fewer and fewer people will have anything at all to leave to their heirs. Son can't think, "Well I'll care of Dad for a few years and then inherit enough for my old age." Nope. Son has to earn and put away enough for his own old age. And his own old age may well start long before Dad dies.

PCVS, I'm not criticizing what you say about your culture -- just explaining that that is not how it is for the majority of those in the US. (Canada? UK?)

Jeannegibbs. Agree 100 percent.