My mother was recently put on Hospice. She has a collapsed lung, and a bad heart cause by a severe dowager's hump. She has been unable to walk for a year. She lives in a nursing home. I go visit her almost daily. She pleads for me to stay when I leave. I'm pretty burned out. But I'm the only family she has left. I moved her to be near me when we moved several years ago. So she also doesn't have any friends in the area. Dementia has mellowed her but she was a horrible narscistic mother growing up. My husband has a business trip coming up and wants me to go with him, then we would continue on, on a vacation for a total of 11 days. I really don't want to go. I don't want to leave my mother alone while she goes through this. I don't want to get a phone call while I'm away and have to rush home. She does have good and bad days and my husband only sees her good days. I think she rallies around when she knows he's coming. But then again it's not like a cancer diagnosis where the end is somewhat more predictable. There have been so many times where I thought the end was near and she has recovered. I know patients can go on and off hospice. If you were me would you go on vacation? If not how can I convince my husband it's not the right time to go on vacation?
Guilt? If you cared for her in life, the fact that you weren't there for her at the moment of her death shouldn't matter very much. Death is between Mom and her Maker. At that point, we're the 5th wheel, unneeded and unheeded. At least, that has been my take on things.
The watchword in my family, passed from generation to generation is " we don't do deathbeds. We do for each other in life".
In my mind, deathbed watches are the stock in trade of the narcissist, an attempt to control with guilt until the end. All that control? It's an illusion.
There should be activities to go to and other people, both staff and patients to chat with. You should not be the only focus of her existence.
Do you want there to be a relationship with your husband after mom is gone? Then you need to honor your commitment to that relationship now. I have a sneaking suspicion that your husband asking you to accompany him is an attempt to break you free of your mother's narcissistic demands, often known as Fear, Obligation and Guilt.