Torn between Mom, Hospice and husband. What to do?

Your mother is in a nursing home getting professional care. Why are you there every day?

There should be activities to go to and other people, both staff and patients to chat with. You should not be the only focus of her existence.

Do you want there to be a relationship with your husband after mom is gone? Then you need to honor your commitment to that relationship now. I have a sneaking suspicion that your husband asking you to accompany him is an attempt to break you free of your mother's narcissistic demands, often known as Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Babalou, good point. Thank you. I certainly am doing this out of fear, obligation and guilt. My worry is that if she passes away and I'm not there for her the guilt will last forever. Even though she has caring people around her they're not family. Dying alone would be so sad.

Keep, most people seem to wait until they are alone to die, at least in my family. When my grandma was dying, my mom was there everyday. My dad took mom for a ride in the country to relieve her stress, and gma slipped away.

Guilt? If you cared for her in life, the fact that you weren't there for her at the moment of her death shouldn't matter very much. Death is between Mom and her Maker. At that point, we're the 5th wheel, unneeded and unheeded. At least, that has been my take on things.

The watchword in my family, passed from generation to generation is " we don't do deathbeds. We do for each other in life".

In my mind, deathbed watches are the stock in trade of the narcissist, an attempt to control with guilt until the end. All that control? It's an illusion.

Keep, it's hard to judge this from a brief description of circumstances. Very good points made above. I will relate my experience however. I'm the sole caregiver for my failing parents who are still in the home and are 10 hours away. I've done all I can do for them. They refuse any in home help or moving to assisted living.

Each time the phone rings it could be yet another crisis, fall, trip to ER etc. I used to worry about traveling, that I wouldn't be available for an emergency. But I've decided I can't put my life on hold waiting for what may or may not happen. So I alert my contacts in the area, make sure everyone can reach me and call each day.

With my folks it could all crash today, tomorrow or next year. There's absolutely no way to predict. Your moms situation is probably much the same. She could go for a long time, even "graduate" from hospice, or fail very quickly. I would take the trip. Don't feel guilty. What happens will happen whether you are there or not.

I care for both my parents living in their own home with the help
of my sister and a CNA.

When my son graduated college last year,
I had to travel to attend his graduation out of state and help
him resettle at his new job.

I was very nervous to go and made endless lists and
preparations. Then I went.

It was heavenly!! I felt a lightness I haven't felt in years and
I came back refreshed. Anticipating the trip is the hard part. Once you go,
it's pure joy. I encourage you to go.

I understand how you feel..

But she could be on hospice for years.. It's going to happen when it happens you can't change that..

Imagine if you stay behind and husband travels without you and when he returns Mom's still alive and kicking?

You have received excellent advice. Go on the trip and enjoy yourself. If you have not mentioned it yet don't tell her till you are about to leave. She is not going to be pleased but don't give her a chance to pull any tricks. Mom will be as mad as wet chicken when you get back but so be it, she will get over it. Make sure you can be contacted but don't call all the time. By all means give her an itinaery and that should include times you will call her and it does not have to be every day. "Well Mom we will be at "X...." on Wednesday and that is a quiet retreat and we are asked not to use cell phones. Thursday we will be on the water fishing and cell service does not reach that far" You get the idea. Unless she has dementia she will figure out you won't be calling till late Friday. The other alternative is to not go and widen the gap with hubby and be guilty and miserable for the whole time he is gone. Just because she is on hospice does not mean she is about to die all it means is that she could within 6 months and you don't want to put her through any more investigations and treatments when they cause more distress than help and treatment would be useless or may even make her worse. That is why it is called "Comfort care" Now go any buy yourself some nice new clothes for the trip and don't forget a sexy nightgown!

I've learned from past experiences not to tell her I'm going until the last minute. Her therapist told me to do that.

Wish reservations were refundable these days. That would make it easier to commit. But it sounds like everyone thinks I should go.

Thanks all.

Your marriage should come first. You say you will feel guilty if your mom dies alone. Well chances are your husband will feel second best if that if you don't, or even resentment. I don't know if you are religious but the Bible says to " leave your parents and cleave to your spouse" or " leave and cleave " in Christian circles.

Another point is that your mom can die "alone" even when you're ten minutes away. That happened with me and my dad. I live 1.5 miles from the facility where he and my mom are. He was in skilled nursing with lung cancer under hospice care. They called me and told me they had just started oxygen and I asked if I should come. They said, "No, he's fine, we just wanted to let you know." I was planning to see him the next day (my mom had seen him that afternoon). They called me 90 minutes later and told me I should come. I got there, literally 10 minutes later and he was gone. And was probably gone when they called me. These things aren't predictable. You do the best you can and I took VERY good care of my dad. At first I felt guilty that I wasn't there when he died, but we all essentially make that final trip alone, whether people are there at the time or not.

So I'm another strong vote in the "go on the trip" column. Your husband is your first priority, no question. Your mom comes second, whether she wants that to be the case or not. And I wouldn't even call her while you are gone. Let the nursing home folks have your contact info and tell them they're only to call you if there's an emergency. Otherwise, you need to take a total break from your mom. You deserve it!

Keep, are you an only child? When my brother or I go on vacation ( if we are going oversees or just far away with bad cell service), we have the following conversation

" watcha gonna do if mom dies while I'm gone?". "Not call you and keep her on ice until you get back". In other words, we need our breaks. And we all know that at this point, nothing mom has is fixable. She's not on hospice, just comfort care, but we are firmly committed to no more ambulance rides and ERs. So there's really nothing more for us to do if "something" happens.

Sadly my sister died 20 years ago so I'm the only one left.

Keep,

Honestly, my first thoughts were "Flip a coin" and "Clone yourself." But that's beyond insensitive. It's borderline heartless. But I'm really sorry for the civil war raging inside of you.

Your mother keeps bouncing back, your husband craves your company, and your body needs to regenerate. Go on the vacation. Together with the hospice staff, break the news to mom. Hopefully they'll keep her occupied while you're gone. Ask what kind of light social activities they have. Mom might not like it, but you need to have a life.

Worst case scenario might be your man starting to feel like a part-time husband and contemplating a long-term vacation from you. ... Go with him!!!

GO, GO, GO! And like Blannie said take a break, and no daily phone calls to check on her. Enjoy yourself.

ONLY to relieve your guilt, could you call on friends to visit her while you are gone? Do you know 5 people who would be willing to visit her once or twice as a favor to you? She WILL complain bitterly, but she might even enjoy visits with relative strangers more, because they aren't hip to her tricks.

When you get home and she launches into you, apologize and comfort her and pet her and tell her how hard it was for her. And the whole time, try to feel zero guilt. Your guilt doesn't relieve any of her pain. A show of guilt, however, will cheer her up enormously.

Go on and go on the trip with your husband. I would not apologize to her for narcissistic people eat that up for it shows how much power they have over you. You wrote that she was a horrible narcissistic mom when you were growing up. She's not going to change because of all you are doing for her. However, your marriage could change if you don't focus on your husband and your marriage out of love more than being focused on mom out of fear, obligation and guilt. You're an adult who does not need to be afraid of mommy. You have your own life and are not obligated to obey her like a child. You have not done anything wrong that deserves guilt. If you feel that your mom is going to rule your life from the grave via guilt, then see a therapist and get free.

Your mom is being looked after 24/7.
No guilt allowed!
Your husband can see the full picture, and he loves you, and knows you NEED a break.
Follow his lead.
You're not responsible for ... nor can control the time.....
Mom and hubby love you. Go with him.
M88

When my husband I took a two-week vacation last year, I sent postcards on a somewhat regular basis so my folks had some idea of where we were and they were delighted to get the mail. It was hard to break away, but I am really glad we made the trip. It was our first vacation in three years. Do the trip for your marriage and for yourself.

Go---and on the way out (flying or driving) do what I do---as we pass the miles, I slowly let life "here" drift away--or in essence, I get very Zen. I'm not "there" I'm in the vacation zone, where there are no worries and fusses.

I do plan ahead, leave phone numbers (cell phones of course) and tell neighbors & our kids.

Your mom sounds like she has been controlling you for a long, long time. That is so difficult to break. I hope you go and have a good time. You've done all you can and sounds like she isn't "actively" dying---go with your hubby and DON'T TALK ABOUT MOM the whole time. He'll appreciate that.

Midkid is absolutely right about the "Actively Dying Part", the end days of a parent on Hospice, do ultimately get to the Actively Dying stage, 6this can last for Days and Days, and I know, because it happened with Both of my parents. The death watch, when they are perfectly comfortable and usually unconscious, oblivious to their surroundings, and you there waiting and watching. There is usually a good amount of time before this begins, and plenty of time for you to get6back, should the need arise! GO GO GO! Its So important for your marriage, and your husband needs to see that you Do put him and his needs first sometimes! He Needs YOU right now! Go and have Fun with him, show him that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and his wife will be returned whole to him, Someday soon! You are a Very Caring Daughter, to do what you do every Day, visiting and caring for her, and You deserve this break with him! What ever you do, Do Not Tell Her, Until The Very Very Last Minute, like, that Morning! This way, she will not have any opportunity to throw a wrench in your plans, and when she does make a fuss, and she will, just tell her you Love her, that you Need this time with your Hunny, and that you will be back soon. You might even think to have little gifties planned ahead, for the staff to give her each day, so that she knows you are thinking of her. Little things like a puzzle book, a magazine, silly stuff! Also, perhaps you could pre-write some postcards or little notes, and start mailing them a couple of days in advance, so she will begin getting love notes starting day one, from you. Maybe she will appreciate the thought, maybe not, but it will make you feel good about going! I hope you do take this opportunity, it is So important to your husband and your marriage, I sure wish I was going on a Trip, I would be running to the car, and not looking back! Lol Have a Great Time!

I agree with everyone else. What a wonderful source of help and information we have here!! You might think about getting some professional help for your guilt, etc. with your mother. She seems to control your life a lot. I remember when I was a girl and my family wanted to go to a religious convention and my grandmother who lived with us was couldn't go because of her health. My folks put her in a "home" while we were gone. You never heard such complaining and poor-meeing, in your life. We were just going to leave her in a "home". She would be dead when we got back, on and on. We did it, had a great time, she was fine when we got back.

You said you didn't want to go. Maybe what you need is some time alone. Away from mom and husband. Away from responsibility. Go on the trip with your husband. He deserves it as he hasn't had your attention in awhile. Then start taking some time for you.
You will be a better wife and daughter. One thing for sure we are all going to die. We don't have to be old or on comfort care or hospice for that to happen. The plan is to live while you are alive and not be in limbo. When your mom was your age, odds are she wasn't sitting by her mothers prolonged death bed. She's had her life. You are still in the midst of yours. Have fun and let us know how it went. We all need that vacation too and envy you!

I agree with everyone. You need to go with your husband. And....forget everything. You need a break and believe me, you will enjoy it. Send her postcards to keepin touch. Calls? May not be a good idea since she may make u feel guilty. I will be leaving Mom in respite care while attending a wedding out of state. My DH is more worried than I am about how she will feel about it. I have always done for my parents. Taking care of Mom now will be the last thing. But, I have given up what little social life I had. Feel we deserve a week to ourselves after two years. Don't tell her till the day before you leave. Explain that your husband wants you to go and that you owe each other some time together. I feel spouses come first in some instances.

Wow, my good friend has a narcissistic mother of 92 who lives in a lovely place with hired help coming in twice a day, yet she still lays on the guilt and control on my friend just as she has all her life! With that awful old woman (who is sharp as a tack and fairly healthy), it's always been 'me me me me me' - her daughter lives only to serve her! (She has several other children who won't have a thing to do with her. This can happen whether mommy was a peach or a barracuda, but in this case one could see why the other children washed their hands of her.) So, 'Keep', take this advice here to heart, and realize many of us know very well what you are dealing with...You better start living a bit for yourself and your husband - stop visiting every. single. day., go on that trip. If she dies while you're gone, so she dies - your being there isn't going to make a bit of difference. My mother-in-law was in the cardiac unit, we ran up to visit twice a day , had her house all prepared for when she came back, and she was doing well. We went home after a nice afternoon visit (a 5 mile trip!) to find a phone message....yes, m-i-l died while we were on the way home. But our being there wouldn't have prevented her death, wouldn't have made a bit of difference. (My husband said sometime after the funeral and we were adjusting to a new normal, 'If we had been there, I would have told her, go toward the light, Ma. Go toward the light! Do you see the Rainbow Bridge? Well, head for that!' lol)

You have to choose for yourself, but if I were you I would go with my husband. It isn't as if something will be more apt to happen because you are not there. Your mother is receiving good care in the NH. She isn't close to death and if you stay and miss a nice vacation and time with your husband it could be for no reason except you felt guilty.
If you feel that badly leaving her, maybe you can hire someone to come into the NH and visit with her for an hour every other day - maybe have them do her nails one day, foot massage the next, etc. And you will only be as far as the nearest phone call. You can promise her you will call every day at a specified time so she has something to look forward to.
If she takes a turn for the worse, the NH will call you. If she passes, like many do in the middle of the night, she will have chosen that time to be alone and you wouldn't be there anyway.
I'm hearing from many people that their parents all say "don't go" every time they leave and they end up with a guilt trip. (Mine did, every time, and we had the nurse distract her so we could sneak out. Now she is not lucid and doesn't care.) Believe it or not, they do have some sort of life and connections with staff and other residents in NHs when you are not around. We make ourselves feel guilty for not being there every minute. They do ok when children are not there, honestly.
I spent the past 10 years planning my vacations around Mom or not going at all and we didn't move five years ago because "something might happen". She is now 101 and just in the last week has she begun declining with the end.
imminent.
Having been in your spot for years, I would go on vacation.

You really must take care of yourself else you will be good to no one. The staff is taking care of her needs. Let them. Be with your husband on this trip.

Well bless your heart for being so devoted to Mom . I know this is so hard . You know u need a break . I can only tell you to say a prayer and put in God's hands . I hope you take the trip and get some me time . You can call her everyday if you like , then she knows you're still thinking of her . The pressure and stress on a family member is overwhelming . There comes a time when u have to think of yourself, even if it's for a short time .

Update. I went on my vacation and I'm glad I did. Mom's been on Hospice for 8 months, and is stable. They have even talked of taking her off Hospice. I've realized that I can't keep my life on hold. I just have to do whatever and come what may. Thank you for your responses.

Keep, so glad u gave us an update. Glad it worked out.

Yes, I'm so glad you went on your vacation and you updated us about it!