We moved him there last December because Mom was going through some physical issues and couldn't care for him. Now she is getting better and wants to bring him home. Dad is 88 and Mom is 81.
How about you pick 6 special weekends a year to bring him home to Mom with other's round the clock help? That way the family can see him and he can see home. My mother had PMR and it never went away, but stress and lifting made it flare up. My point is that I would not put Mom in the situation where she would have to come to his aid if he fell. She should try to keep in in the VA if possible. Have you talked to the VA about hearing aids?
Given the info you've now posted I feel it would be a big mistake to bring him home. Sadly, eldercare is a long trip on the down elevator. Neither of your parents are in good shape. Leave well enough alone.
I am the original poster and I apologize for not providing enough information. I was trying to be as brief as possible, but I see I left out some important facts that are very impactful in the situation. I do appreciate everyone's input. ~ Not sure exactly how long Dad has had dementia - probably at least 3-5 years but it's only gotten worse in the last year or so. He can still do many things himself, but needs help. He is 88. ~ Mom has Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It is getting better but she still has some pain. She is 81. She has always been healthy and a "do-er" and is still strong-willed and independent. ~ She does drive. But it's an hour's drive each way to visit Dad, so she only goes 2-3 times a week. ~ She would not be able to pick up Dad if he fell. ~ He is in a VA home, so it is not possible for her to live with him there. The caregivers there are supposed to take care of him, but we often find him without some of the basic care being done. She has brought it to the attention of the managers. So far nothing has changed. ~ Dad had a rough few days when he first moved there, but has adapted well. He doesn't hear very well, so it's difficult for him to have conversations with anyone. He and his roommate have become pretty good buddies though. He is allowed to be out of the home 12 days a year, but we've been afraid to take him out (overnight) at all and he's been there almost 9 months. We've taken him out to eat frequently, mostly on weekends.
Any change can be disruptive for someone with dementia. On the other hand, my husband did awesome when we traveled, taking motel rooms and train berths in stride. So that is hard to predict.
The more important question (in my mind) is will whatever disruption he experiences be worth it? Will Mom and Dad be better off together? Can the money that was being used for the care center be used for in-home care instead? Has Mom got her strength back and is she really up to resuming some of the care?
Is Mom herself perhaps ready for assisted living? Would being together there be a better solution?
I can identify with your mother. My experience is with a spouse (as well as with a parent) and that is VERY different than making decisions for a parent. Whatever you do, try to meet your mother's needs in her relationship with your father as much as humanly possible. If bringing him home just isn't practical or not best for him, find other ways for mom to feel like she is still married.
More information would help us make more specific suggestions.
Mom is better because she is not being worn down by exhausting care. If you bring him home, her physical issues will return. His condition will also worsen and Windyridge is right, you get stuck spinning in circles.
You may be just getting stuck in a revolving door. If he's done ok in care and moms ok and can visit I would leave well enough alone. But having said that, Freq is correct, more info is needed and could prove me wrong. I just know that if I could ever get either of my parents in care I would never reverse course only to go through it all again later.
Link, we need more information. How long has your Dad had dementia? What can't he do for himself? Does your Dad have paid caregivers in the house who help your Mom with his care?
What were the physical issues that your Mom was dealing with that made it necessary to place your Dad into a continuing care facility? What are her Mom's limitations? Can you Mom drive? Is she able to pick Dad up if he should fall?
How did your Dad do when he was first placed in a continuing care facility? Was it difficult for him to settle in? Has he made friends at the facility that he would miss if he left?
Good luck to you!
~ Not sure exactly how long Dad has had dementia - probably at least 3-5 years but it's only gotten worse in the last year or so. He can still do many things himself, but needs help. He is 88.
~ Mom has Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It is getting better but she still has some pain. She is 81. She has always been healthy and a "do-er" and is still strong-willed and independent.
~ She does drive. But it's an hour's drive each way to visit Dad, so she only goes 2-3 times a week.
~ She would not be able to pick up Dad if he fell.
~ He is in a VA home, so it is not possible for her to live with him there. The caregivers there are supposed to take care of him, but we often find him without some of the basic care being done. She has brought it to the attention of the managers. So far nothing has changed.
~ Dad had a rough few days when he first moved there, but has adapted well. He doesn't hear very well, so it's difficult for him to have conversations with anyone. He and his roommate have become pretty good buddies though. He is allowed to be out of the home 12 days a year, but we've been afraid to take him out (overnight) at all and he's been there almost 9 months. We've taken him out to eat frequently, mostly on weekends.
The more important question (in my mind) is will whatever disruption he experiences be worth it? Will Mom and Dad be better off together? Can the money that was being used for the care center be used for in-home care instead? Has Mom got her strength back and is she really up to resuming some of the care?
Is Mom herself perhaps ready for assisted living? Would being together there be a better solution?
I can identify with your mother. My experience is with a spouse (as well as with a parent) and that is VERY different than making decisions for a parent. Whatever you do, try to meet your mother's needs in her relationship with your father as much as humanly possible. If bringing him home just isn't practical or not best for him, find other ways for mom to feel like she is still married.
More information would help us make more specific suggestions.
What were the physical issues that your Mom was dealing with that made it necessary to place your Dad into a continuing care facility? What are her Mom's limitations? Can you Mom drive? Is she able to pick Dad up if he should fall?
How did your Dad do when he was first placed in a continuing care facility? Was it difficult for him to settle in? Has he made friends at the facility that he would miss if he left?