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When mother in law lived with daughter we would pick up her up for a few hours on the weekend (every other) so my sister in law would get a break. Since the mother in law has been here for a month we haven't done nothing as a couple and today when I asked about it he said when it is deserved. (meaning when I support him for the decision HE made). If I would been at at the meeting where it was decided she move here, I would have raised that question of us getting a break from her and who would help US out. He raises my blood pressure.

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Honey, your husband is clearly married to mom and not to you.

Time to make a decision about YOUR future.
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anonymous828521 Sep 14, 2019
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Well, you're going to have to take a stand or be  a doormat forever.   The fact that he brought her to YOUR house is a clear indication of where you stand, and it's not even with that of MIL.

You have some serious decisions to make, and only you can make them.   But if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
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Shell38314 Sep 16, 2019
Garden, You are so right! If you don't stand up for yourself, who will???
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Yeh, well he raises all our blood pressure. I’m not sure why you even want to do anything with him as a couple. I’d be out with girlfriends, antiquing, dining, working in my garden, anything to not see his face. He decides what You deserve? WTH. Not in a million years. I’m so sorry that he has beaten you down to the point you just take it.. Amijoys comment on a previous post is coming true I’m afraid. The question is, do you want to do something about this?
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anonymous828521 Sep 14, 2019
Absolutely right-on rocketjcat! 👏
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Well Somewhere, you just keep on making plans for yourself. Go out with friends ( as said below), go to a craft workshop or the library,, whatever you want. Just go, don't ask, don't tell,, let him figure it out. If he complains or fusses, just tell him you decided it was "deserved"... And if the house is yours, and paid for, and you are really at the end of your rope, talk to someone about getting him and his mom out of YOUR house. Wont be easy, but may make him wake up and notice.
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AlvaDeer Sep 14, 2019
I love that "tell him it was deserved" hee hee.
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So leave and go alone! If I waited for my DH to choose to have a night out, I would never go anywhere. All he ever wants to do for 'a break' is take a 6-8 rambling drive in the mountains. That's it. Not movies, or dinner out (unless someone invites us)...I have my own 'outs' and I am not waiting on him. And we don't have any parents to care for.

How is it going? Are YOU doing 90% of the care and he doesn't see it and doesn't think you need a break?

Not being part of the decision to bring a parent home to live with you and you weren't a PART of that?? Wow, my Dh tried to do that with me with his dad. Luckily I caught wind of it and put the kibosh on it immediately.

I think you have a lot of resentment about this decision and I don't blame you.

Plan something and ask him along. If he chooses not to go, that's on him. My DH takes a LOT of personal time ad after 43 years, I just don't care.
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AlvaDeer Sep 14, 2019
My advice comes from just fury at what has been done here, and fear that she will now live a life whining about it.
YOUR advice is VERY WISE. I admire you for it.
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If it’s YOUR house & paid for, then there’s no problem. Let Atty handle it ...& his walking papers.& don’t you dare do any hands on caregiving for her. Don’t lift a finger.
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Tme to rebuild your confidence, one outing at a time. Go out without him. Be busy - way too busy for any MIL care. You might find that a new class, or interest group continues your confidence.

Also consider talking to a councellor/therapist to discuss your own needs & help plan YOUR future life. DH has chosen to spend his with his Mofher it seems.
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MidKid, this is Somewhere's original post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-decided-at-a-meeting-with-his-sisters-that-his-90-year-old-would-come-live-with-us-i-am-s-452002.htm

I checked and see that you didn't post on that thread, so I doubt if you were aware of how this situation developed.  Thought you might want to know.

These are excerpts from Somewhere's post on that first thread; they help put the situation in perspective:

"meeting was called where it was decided without me knowing because I worked that day.I had forgot they met until husband said they were pricing stair lift.. * * * ...when I asked why the ddecision was made without me he said he knew I didn't support the decision."


Somewhere, there have been a number of similar posts here over the years, and generally they take the same route.    A woman struggles with her conscience, her self esteem, self preservation instincts and her loyalty to a husband who doesn't reciprocate, and sometimes treats her like a doormat.

It's a very, very challenging dilemma to make the decision to leave, whether permanently or for a short time.     It might help if you can find a support group for battered and abused women.  While your husband may not engage in physical abuse, from what you wrote in your first post, he is engaging in emotional abuse, and disrespect.  

Unfortunately, negative and mandatory subservience as well as no respect for women attitudes have surged b/c of a specific political situation.   Male chauvinist pigs are coming out openly and denigrating women.   And, equally unfortunately, many women are dressing and acting in manners that play into those disgusting attitudes.

You have quite a challenge before you:   restoring your self esteem so you can make a decision for YOU, then finding a way to act on it.  

You don't ask to do something with him; you TELL HIM you're doing something, then leave and go do it.   

And you need to do that soon before you begin to acquiesce to this unbalanced arrangement.  You, and only you, can make the changes that need to be made to retain your self respect.

Do you want to suffer medical consequences b/c he raises your blood pressure?  And, equally important, do you think he would take care of you if/when you become ill?   Think about that - think very, very seriously.

I wish you luck; this is probably the most challenging stage of your life, but to acquiesce will make you a slave to him for the rest of your life.
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So, do you point out to him that YOU deserve his support by simple virtue of being his wife?

this is a problem for your marriage. Does he really value his Mom above you? It sure sounds like it. And then, he is gaslighting you ontop,of it? No...this is NOT your problem. this marriage has real problems because of HIS behavior.

I suggest you get counselling. Couples, if you can get him to go....but, maybe if you must do it single....just for you ...find out why you are willing to stay and put up with this marriage?
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But....but.....your DH literally built a bedroom in your living room, complete with a shower. This didn't happen in a vacuum......you had to have had discussions about the impending arrival of your mother in law, right? You weren't gob smacked with her showing up one day while you were at work. So he knew you were against the move and went ahead with it anyway, and is now punishing you for being against the move you told him you were against all along? Is that the story or is something missing? It sounds like he's going to continue punishing you, like a naughty child, until you accept his mother's presence in your home and exclaim your delight at it to boot. That's known as emotional blackmail. And it's abusive behavior, no matter how you cut the mustard.

I think you have 2 choices here. To either accept the situation or to leave the home and the husband, either via separation or divorce. What you shouldn't do is stew over this and create such a level of anger and resentment that you'll get sick and ruin your life even further. If your marriage is worth saving, in your estimation, maybe you can find forgiveness in your heart for his boorish and thoughtless behavior, I don't know. That would be asking too much for most women, but.......

I think you can have a chat with your sister in law about giving you respite care for MIL. In any event, you're going to have to have a serious talk with your husband about how to handle all of this moving forward if you choose to stay with him. He's mad at you, you're mad at him, and meanwhile, communication shuts down even further. We on this forum are not going to be able to truly help you out of this mess.....only open and honest communication between you, your husband and his sister can help find some sort of workable solution here.

I'd like you to remember that you are valuable. Your opinion matters. You have rights in your own home, regardless of whether they're being recognized or not. You have a voice. Use it. And best of luck in navigating the future you choose for yourself.
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 14, 2019
Absolutely agree 100% with everything you stated lealonnie1! I sure hope somewhere can muster the courage to do what she needs to do to stand up to the ogre shes married to and begin life with renewed strength and peace...
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