Today I said we need time to get away from his mom for a few hours and my husband said "when it is deserved" meaning when I support him.

So leave and go alone! If I waited for my DH to choose to have a night out, I would never go anywhere. All he ever wants to do for 'a break' is take a 6-8 rambling drive in the mountains. That's it. Not movies, or dinner out (unless someone invites us)...I have my own 'outs' and I am not waiting on him. And we don't have any parents to care for.

How is it going? Are YOU doing 90% of the care and he doesn't see it and doesn't think you need a break?

Not being part of the decision to bring a parent home to live with you and you weren't a PART of that?? Wow, my Dh tried to do that with me with his dad. Luckily I caught wind of it and put the kibosh on it immediately.

I think you have a lot of resentment about this decision and I don't blame you.

Plan something and ask him along. If he chooses not to go, that's on him. My DH takes a LOT of personal time ad after 43 years, I just don't care.

I agree with midkid. Your husband is not supportive of YOU; he has no thought whatsoever for your feelings. Why in the world, then, would you support HIM. For me, when he came home with the Mom he had not even asked me about I would not have been there. I would have left a note. "Sorry. I love you. But when you make a decision this monumental without my input it is clear that my feelings are not reciprocated. I wish you and your Mom good luck moving forward."
I don't know what your support system is. Do you have children, hopefully in another state who would like a visit for a month or more? Can you explore now moving out on your own; I would have a legal separation and division of assets, myself. I would live on my own. I would offer love and support when willing and able, and I would make my own life.
I wonder, as Midkid does, who is doing the care, the cooking, the cleaning, the visiting.
It is your life. THIS is your ONE life. It is up to YOU now. He had a choice--include you or don't include you. He made his choice. Now it is time for you to make YOUR choice. I am in no wise suggesting this will be easy. I have not divorced one, but twice, and the first time with young children involved. I was terrified. But the choice in both cases was clear to me.
Wishing you good luck. You can embrace this new life and his Mom along with it, or you can make your own new life. He has not left you any other choices. Staying, and whining and punishing him will get no one anywhere at all. It will just be a dreadful, droning life of ugly habits, making all in the household miserable forever.

Honey, your husband is clearly married to mom and not to you.

Time to make a decision about YOUR future.

MidKid, this is Somewhere's original post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-decided-at-a-meeting-with-his-sisters-that-his-90-year-old-would-come-live-with-us-i-am-s-452002.htm

I checked and see that you didn't post on that thread, so I doubt if you were aware of how this situation developed.  Thought you might want to know.

These are excerpts from Somewhere's post on that first thread; they help put the situation in perspective:

"meeting was called where it was decided without me knowing because I worked that day.I had forgot they met until husband said they were pricing stair lift.. * * * ...when I asked why the ddecision was made without me he said he knew I didn't support the decision."


Somewhere, there have been a number of similar posts here over the years, and generally they take the same route.    A woman struggles with her conscience, her self esteem, self preservation instincts and her loyalty to a husband who doesn't reciprocate, and sometimes treats her like a doormat.

It's a very, very challenging dilemma to make the decision to leave, whether permanently or for a short time.     It might help if you can find a support group for battered and abused women.  While your husband may not engage in physical abuse, from what you wrote in your first post, he is engaging in emotional abuse, and disrespect.  

Unfortunately, negative and mandatory subservience as well as no respect for women attitudes have surged b/c of a specific political situation.   Male chauvinist pigs are coming out openly and denigrating women.   And, equally unfortunately, many women are dressing and acting in manners that play into those disgusting attitudes.

You have quite a challenge before you:   restoring your self esteem so you can make a decision for YOU, then finding a way to act on it.  

You don't ask to do something with him; you TELL HIM you're doing something, then leave and go do it.   

And you need to do that soon before you begin to acquiesce to this unbalanced arrangement.  You, and only you, can make the changes that need to be made to retain your self respect.

Do you want to suffer medical consequences b/c he raises your blood pressure?  And, equally important, do you think he would take care of you if/when you become ill?   Think about that - think very, very seriously.

I wish you luck; this is probably the most challenging stage of your life, but to acquiesce will make you a slave to him for the rest of your life.

Yeh, well he raises all our blood pressure. I’m not sure why you even want to do anything with him as a couple. I’d be out with girlfriends, antiquing, dining, working in my garden, anything to not see his face. He decides what You deserve? WTH. Not in a million years. I’m so sorry that he has beaten you down to the point you just take it.. Amijoys comment on a previous post is coming true I’m afraid. The question is, do you want to do something about this?

So, do you point out to him that YOU deserve his support by simple virtue of being his wife?

this is a problem for your marriage. Does he really value his Mom above you? It sure sounds like it. And then, he is gaslighting you ontop,of it? No...this is NOT your problem. this marriage has real problems because of HIS behavior.

I suggest you get counselling. Couples, if you can get him to go....but, maybe if you must do it single....just for you ...find out why you are willing to stay and put up with this marriage?

LOL

That sounds odd, (even to me). Not sure what he means by "deserved"?
He must not valu the 'date-nite' thing, which means his mother is more important than u are, (I'd guess).
Sorry to presume that, but I've been the 'devalued wife'...(for 24 yrs). Bummer.

Somewhere, was your marriage one of mutual respect BEFORE this happened?

Ot has it always been his way or the highway?

Do you want something to change? If so, YOU are the one who has to change.

You can't change HIS behavior.

Mommies Boy response. He seems to not understand that you are his priority not his mommy. You are a very understanding person, there is no way that I would accept his behavior. I'd be out the door. Take care of you!

Its now leave or make compromises. Is his attitude new? Or since he had to make this decision and he is upset ur not supporting it.

This is why you needed to make the decision together. So u could sit down and hash things out. Such as, u having a fulltime job. What kind of support is he looking for? You to take over care when u come home or just support his decision? U weren't at the meeting. You have no idea what his siblings said. Did they guilt him?

She is there and probably can feel ur not happy about it. Is that fair to her? Can't change the past, so u move on from there. You now need to think, what am I willing to do to help. Are there resources that u can take advantage of. If Mom has money, use it. If not get Medicaid to evaluate her for homecare. Even a few hours a day she gets bathed and maybe DH can get out of the house. There are things I am sure u can do to make his load lighter but in the end she is his responsibility. You are suppose to be a team.

If you can't come to a compromise, maybe its time to leave. Personally, I could not live this way.

Somewhere, I thought all of us gave you advice Sept 7 to take a long vacation & see a divorce lawyer when you get back ...why are you still there? Are you a glutton for punishment? I’m really confused why you prefer to stay when you were never consulted about HIS decision!?!

Well Somewhere, you just keep on making plans for yourself. Go out with friends ( as said below), go to a craft workshop or the library,, whatever you want. Just go, don't ask, don't tell,, let him figure it out. If he complains or fusses, just tell him you decided it was "deserved"... And if the house is yours, and paid for, and you are really at the end of your rope, talk to someone about getting him and his mom out of YOUR house. Wont be easy, but may make him wake up and notice.

The house is yours?

Go see a divorce lawyer on Monday morning.

MIL has SS and is eligible for Medicaid, right?

If it’s YOUR house & paid for, then there’s no problem. Let Atty handle it ...& his walking papers.& don’t you dare do any hands on caregiving for her. Don’t lift a finger.

Well, you're going to have to take a stand or be  a doormat forever.   The fact that he brought her to YOUR house is a clear indication of where you stand, and it's not even with that of MIL.

You have some serious decisions to make, and only you can make them.   But if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.

Tme to rebuild your confidence, one outing at a time. Go out without him. Be busy - way too busy for any MIL care. You might find that a new class, or interest group continues your confidence.

Also consider talking to a councellor/therapist to discuss your own needs & help plan YOUR future life. DH has chosen to spend his with his Mofher it seems.

But....but.....your DH literally built a bedroom in your living room, complete with a shower. This didn't happen in a vacuum......you had to have had discussions about the impending arrival of your mother in law, right? You weren't gob smacked with her showing up one day while you were at work. So he knew you were against the move and went ahead with it anyway, and is now punishing you for being against the move you told him you were against all along? Is that the story or is something missing? It sounds like he's going to continue punishing you, like a naughty child, until you accept his mother's presence in your home and exclaim your delight at it to boot. That's known as emotional blackmail. And it's abusive behavior, no matter how you cut the mustard.

I think you have 2 choices here. To either accept the situation or to leave the home and the husband, either via separation or divorce. What you shouldn't do is stew over this and create such a level of anger and resentment that you'll get sick and ruin your life even further. If your marriage is worth saving, in your estimation, maybe you can find forgiveness in your heart for his boorish and thoughtless behavior, I don't know. That would be asking too much for most women, but.......

I think you can have a chat with your sister in law about giving you respite care for MIL. In any event, you're going to have to have a serious talk with your husband about how to handle all of this moving forward if you choose to stay with him. He's mad at you, you're mad at him, and meanwhile, communication shuts down even further. We on this forum are not going to be able to truly help you out of this mess.....only open and honest communication between you, your husband and his sister can help find some sort of workable solution here.

I'd like you to remember that you are valuable. Your opinion matters. You have rights in your own home, regardless of whether they're being recognized or not. You have a voice. Use it. And best of luck in navigating the future you choose for yourself.

Can u give them both legal eviction notices? Served by the sheriffs dept? I have no idea if you can evict the person you’re married to, but i damn sure would not put up with this situation if the house is in your name only, and its paid for!! O i feel for you, however, somewhere, you are the only one who can change this situation. I think its time for you to have a consult with a divorce attorney sooner, rather than later.....

I read your responses, you own the house and you let him turn your living room into a bedroom with a bath? This makes zero sense to me. Give them 30 days notice and they both can move into an apartment. Time to stand up for yourself.

First of all how could he possibly ask you to be supportive of a decision that HE made on his own that clearly should have involved the both of you? It was not his decision alone to make. I understand this is your husband but that kind of life changing decision needs to be made between the both of you and his leaving you out of it is total disregard for you and for your relationship as I see it. If you need a break take it and leave him to care for his mother by himself, after all HE made the decision all by himself to bring her there, didn't he? Let him live with it and see how he like the decision HE made. Maybe it will teach him a little respect.

Interesting developments and new directions now that we know she owns the house.  However, it also raises equally interesting questions.

Lealonnie, I think she should stay in HER house, b/c if she leaves, and if she is truly sole owner, it might be considered abandonment of her property.  I'm not current on those kinds of title issue laws, but I think that it's dangerous to just physically leave her house while allowing someone who apparently has no vested title interest to remain there.

That's another question, to which I have no answers: i.e., whether over the course of their marriage he acquired any rights to the property besides that of a tenant (which would require that he be legally evicted).

Another issue is that of making unauthorized alterations to the house, whether or not he paid in full for the alterations, and if not, whether the unauthorized alterations give rise to liens against the property.

The OP needs to see a DIVORCE LAWYER in her state to find out what her rights and responsibilities are in this dreadful situation.