My mom is 94 years old. She has severe memory loss, but does not have dementia. She is living in an independent care facility, but will not socialize nor even eat in the dining room. As she is a late sleeper, we give her bread and eggs to cook. Otherwise, we told her she must go down for dinner. She has not gone down for dinner for at least a year. She is losing weight. My sister, brother, and I each visit her once a week. She caught Covid and has stayed with me since New Year’s. She is cognitively better, but still does nothing for herself. She has nothing wrong with her, but does need to walk with a cane or walker. What should I do? Should I let her starve herself? Should I keep her with me? I’m retired but have a mild case of Parkinson’s. My husband is also retired. Please help! Thanks a million!
You can't order a 94 year old woman around, either. She isn't going to starve.
Bring her favorite foods when you all visit her, if so worried about her weight. She could be sick of the same food, or bored.
If mom needs to walk with a cane or walker, of course she DOES have something physically wrong with her as well.
Please get your head out of the sand and admit mom's true condition. Consult with hospice about her readiness for hospice or palliative care. Follow their guidelines about where she should live now, but don't let her permanently live with you! That's a setup that you'll ultimately regret, and with a "mild case" of Parkinson's, you have your own ongoing health issues to tend to.
I hope you find the best solution for all of you.
Either that or take her into your home, but ditch the denial that nothing is wrong with her. She needs care and regular meals every day.
Good luck to you.
My ex's mom has severe short term memory loss and self neglect; all 4 of her kids, including my ex, told me "but she doesn't have dementia".
Until one of them gained access to her patient portal and discovered that she's been dxed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago.
With Parkinson's yourself, it doesn't sound like you have the capacity to give her the care she needs and deserves.
As we age, not everything can be fixed, and not everything can be "the best". Sometimes, "good enough" needs to do.
Your mom does have dementia though you prefer to call it "severe memory loss" which I don't personally understand as being in denial about it won't help anyone and will only hurt your mom.
Then you say that there's nothing wrong with your mom yet she doesn't do anything for herself, she refuses to eat or go to dinner, she walks with a cane or walker, and doesn't socialize when at her facility.
To me that sounds like a lot is wrong with your mom, as what you've described are all symptoms of dementia. And dementia only gets worse never better. And the fact that you also now have health issues, is a clear indication that you'd be biting off WAY more than you can chew if you were to allow your mom to move in with you. The stress of it alone would make your "mild case of Parkinson's" a severe case of it.
Your mom is obviously no longer "independent" so instead of moving her back to her previous facility it's time to move her into an assisted living facility or even memory care, where she will be looked after better and will be brought to the dining room to eat 3 meals a day or at least 2 if she sleeps through breakfast.
You now have to do not only what is best for your mom but what is best for you and your health as well.
I wish you the the very best in finding the right facility for your mom.
Regardless , whatever is going on , Mom needs help that you don’t seem to be equipped to handle , considering your thinking of letting her starve to death instead of having her placed in the appropriate level of care .
Mom belongs in assisted living , probably memory care , where they will make sure she goes to the dining room .
With your medical condition you are not in a great position to take this on.
As others have said your mom does have dementia. It may not have been formerly diagnosed as such, or maybe it has been and she has not told you. (If you are not at each of her doctor appointments and sitting with her you might not have been informed)
Mom should be moved into Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Either will have staff that will encourage mom to become more active and participatory but Memory Care will do more to encourage her.
Neither can "force" her to join in but MC may encourage her to at least sit with the group.
Side note...PLEASE take this time to do things with your husband that you have talked about that you might not be able to do in 2, 3, 5 years.
Another side note..."Failure to Thrive is an actual diagnosis and may be an indication that she might be eligible for Hospice. I think you need to have a good honest talk with her doctor and get a real diagnosis.
That being said, when you ask your mom why she doesn't go to the dining room, what does she say? Maybe she loses track of time and forgets? Does a staff person check to see why she's not coming? If so, what does she say? (My mom had to let them know if she wasn't coming for dinner) Does she say she doesn't like the food? Is she eating while staying with you? You said she is doing nothing for herself. Did she take care of herself at IL...shower, dress, brush teeth?
Only you can make this decision. If you discuss this with your mom, what does she say? Maybe you can take her to see her PCP for their thoughts. I'm happy that I was in a position to care for my elderly mom in her final years. She was sweet and I am in good health. I hired an aide and got Meal on Wheels.
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