I'm so tired of my Mom saying, "I don't feel good." Anyone else?

Reread what I had to say because I was the one being you and abused by this person. I had a very bad experience that someone I was simply trying to help in anyway I could. I was telling the truth and I am sticking to what happened. I am recovering from all that has happened to me lately. I really went through all of this with a person who was definitely not a relative. I'm not the first and one whoever had to walk away from this particular person, there were others such as a neighbor who told me from her own mouth that even she had to walk away and stay distance because of "too much drama", this is exactly what she said earlier this summer. There are many people who most likely had to back away from this person, and one of them is definitely this person's family I hate to have to admit, but it really is the truth I came here to share my experience.

I don't hear that my mom has pain, I always hear that she is bored, there is nothing to do. The thing is that she does not remember that she just played cards with the care giver, or or she has her word find books, or the visiting pets person just left. She once said that they never give her ice cream at her AL and her empty bowl was still sitting in front of her where she pushed it on the table. I think when the care giver gets experated with my mom saying she is bored they have her call me which is fine by me. I talk to mom for awhile and she settles down some for the time being. Must surely be awful to always forget everything.

Why is your Mom on Cumadim? Does she have a heart problem? My Dad was on it for years. It will cause internal bleeding. You will see blood in her stool. Her meds may make her feel this way.

Do you know how many people have chronic pain, for which there is no visible cause? My daughter has debilitating headaches and despite many tests, exams, etc has never had the exact cause established, nor remedies. Some of the posts I read here make me feel terrified for my own chronic pain if I should ever lose my ability to communicate. For myself, the pain is isolating because in general it seems most people that aren't in the same predicament cannot relate. There are many clinical studies available to establish that pain can cause depression, it is also known that depression can cause pain. Pain is real and life altering no matter what the cause and the added stress of not being believed is just terrible. Antidepressants only help, and to varying degrees for about 30% of those who try it. The most helpful thing a compassionate person can do is to say "I am sorry you are having so much pain, is there anything I can do? ". That is so much better than treating them like they are lying, or just plain have no value. Do some reading about pain and enlighten yourself. I am not saying people don't ever have ulterior motives, or make things up, but I think those scenarios are rare compared to people with unresolved pain. Kindness and caring always helps.

For the most part, quite honestly elders are going to have aches and pains. The golden years had to be a myth!

Beazer--
You were truly blessed to have a mother unlike the ones we are talking about on this post. While I often am frustrated, angry and tired of caring for my mother, she is the one who "started it" so to speak. I do honor her, but I will not miss her when she goes. On the other hand, my father was a wonderful, gentle and sweet man for whom it was an HONOR to care. HIM I miss everyday. It's not that they get old and we're all angry put upon caregivers, but rather, the person themselves LONG AGO set this dynamic of relationship in place. Mother treats me just as she did 50+ years ago. Like I ruined her life and I'm still trying to ruin it. You are lucky, and I am truly sorry for your loss. But I think a lot of people have a tremendous amt, of stress caring for their elderly folks...we're not perfect and neither are they. This is a "safe place" to come and vent and not feel so all alone in this situation.

It is truly a drain on one's energy - my mother is 85 and my husband and I took care of her for 10 years and every day she said said she couldn't see (macula degeneration) and her shoulder hurt (surgically repaired but degenerated and post herpetic neuralgia). More recently she went into a Home after a bad fall and worsening dementia and her doctor said we could no longer keep her safe and fulfill her needs 24 hours a day. Every contact with her visiting or telephone she says about the pain in her shoulder. I took her to the sports docs - one who did a surgical repair - got xrays - pursued a specialist sports guy - got every potion and lotion there is, she had shots between her ribs - every crazy thing except accupuncture. She stays so anxious and upset inside (I believe she has an anxiety disorder and maybe Bipolar) it aggravates EVERYTHING - including the shoulder. WELL - when we finally get into the doctor he/she (this happened with several docs) asks - on a scale of 1-10 how bad is it? She puts her 'game church face on' and says, 'well......3. I about FALL OFF THE CHAIR. Then he asks 'are you depressed?' She says, 'NO I don't think so'. Now I AM off the chair. I felt it was now MY survival to 'out' her right then and there - like talking about her in front of her which I always avoided and would write everything down and give it to the doctor at the start of the visit so I wouldn't have to 'embarrass' her. (If the doctor didn't increase her depression medication at that visit I think I would have been done in) She always has been so negative and it's exhausting. NOW she is always saying about a Headache. It is all so puzzling for the average person - I was concerned she might wear down the people taking care of her at her Home, however, I realize they are way beyond me with awareness, knowledge and experience for this abnormal normal. The diversion of changing the subject is really a good tact. You must get some time for YOURSELF and recharge your battery it sounds like. Try to diffuse your reaction going forward by remembering this doctor's visit. This aging process is really difficult - the doctor reinforced what you always knew - however - it's an empty win when you sit back and think about what is really going on. Also - my mother just 'parrots' like no thought of her own - she repeats anything and everything other people say. It becomes an unconscious 'habit' of repeating filled with no meaning. She can't remember the past minute but when she does get something - even if it's not true or accurate - she repeats it at every visit and conversation. She especially LOVES negative confrontational stuff which gives her that negative adrenaline. It may be 'parroting' the same thing for your Mom or just grasping for attention. Either way - she's not winning by a long shot. You can only change your reaction now - there is no reasoning with her. People told us to get a 'help' group and I am now realizing that it could prove to help a caregiver quality of life. You're not alone and I empathize with you greatly as you go through this season of life.

My father-in-law , who lived with us for about 20 years, complained every day that he didn't feel good; in fact, he made a note in his Bible one day that said he felt good on that one date only. He did have slightly elevated blood pressure (and the doctor said to go easy on salt so he would hang around the kitchen when we were cooking and say "No salt!". His blood sugar was also high, but he insisted on eating way too many carbs. He would walk several miles to see a cousin and then complain about his feet. We realized that he was going to several doctors and getting meds from all of them,so finally I confiscated all of them and doled them out twice a day. (Once we got a call from a hospital outpatient clinic saying he was there and what did he need; my husband, an auto mechanic, told them to take his oil pressure, pat him on the head and tell him he was OK, and send him home.) When he developed Parkinson's it got so that we couldn't let him walk around town any more, which broke his heart. He could fall walking across an open floor space, and weighed 200 pounds. We found a care facility (I don't recall the type, this was 30 years ago when they were mostly called "convalescent homes", but he kept getting out and trying to get home. After the first week, we brought him home for the weekend,and his heart failed in his sleep the first or second night. He didn't appear to have dementia, but definitely had hypochondria.

Oh yes, to all above. I try to be patient and understanding with my Mom. After all, it should be my Dad doing the helping but he died 15 years ago. I do lose it sad to say. I try to tell her that no one wants to hear her complain all the time which is why some people have stopped calling her. Most of the complaints are just the fact that she is 82, has COPD, etc etc. But for the most part (thank God) she is OK and I beg her to focus on that. "I never expected to live this long" is her response. When she is in a good mood I will respond with "neither did I" and we laugh.
Patience, vodka, valium and some healthy outlets to get rid of the pent up tension the situation causes. I'd appreciate suggestions! :)

I hear ya! My mom has always been strong and healthy and never complained. She is still very healthy, except for the dementia. But, now, it's constant complaining about every little ache and pain. Funny, because I have several severe chronic illnesses, do everything here, and feel like h*ll - but she's complaining. lol

I`m with JanMarie and Jude. I won`t enumerate all the similarities but I`m sure that most of us have tried the kindness and consideration route but if you are dealing with a negative personality all efforts to be upbeat and gentle absolutely wear you out. I'm 70 now and was recently diagnosed with ulcers. (I wonder why?) My husband has emphysema and has aphasia due to a stroke. He deals with his limitations with good humour and I willingly help him deal with them but I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to enjoy my retirement or will I die in the traces? Being able to commiserate with those of you also going through difficulties has allowed me to get rid of some of the mental stress. :-) Thanks for bringing this topic up!

same thing here; my mom was the same way; her mom taught her well, then left her so she didn't have her to turn it to anymore, so I got it, but it just didn't work the same way but I probably wasn't going to change her, so like muffin said, just learned to play the game with her

I feel there is no answer really for your Mother, some very good stories tho !! So work on how you can adapt to enjoy hearing she is not well
Yes its within her that she is unwell, you could make a graph and let her work out how bad she feels that moment, and see if worse sometimes than others, then maybe the magical cup of tea or sherry or whatever.. It probably is more of saying how helpless she feels than the unwell ness.
When I worked in resthomes, I sneak up to the room for some of the real complainers, and work out a way to get it in first that they were unwell.. Otherwise some of the experts would be yelling at you as they heard the medication trolley, and hadn't even got within the room !! so Id say I had their pill for their headache/backache/dizziness first..
Of course also have checked that she needs the meds she is on, and they are not adding to her misery.
take care and look after yourself, and learn ways to play the game, and don't become the pawn

My mother-in-law has been complaining she is sick and "I hurt" for at least 30 years. I just say "that's too bad" and change the subject. Amazingly when we visit the pain subsides and she is more than willing to go for a walk in the AL pain free. mmm.....

The way I deal with this issue (my personal reaction to negativity & complaining from my own mother) is to affirm/validate her and offer empathy ("I know Mom, I'm so sorry. You deserve to feel better and I wish you did") without allowing myself to be "sucked in" to a personal emotional reaction.Detaching emotionally while still being present and caring is a tricky balance. It requires practice, the support & balance of other (upbeat, positive) people in your life and a personal shift in both your own expectations. ("Expect people to be who they are and to do what they do" is a mantra I've taught many clients and seminar participants over the years) and a choice not to engage emotionally in the negativity.
In my case, Mom really DOESN'T feel well & hasn't for a long time. The problem is made worse by her STRONG tendency to "stay stuck" and her resistance to any proactive behavior that could improve things. I just expect her to continue to be that way, push her to get help to the extent that I'm able (this takes a lot of energy so I limit how much of it I do) and love her for who she is. I offer comfort, a listening ear, genuine caring/concern and stay realistic about my ability to change her.

Omg my mom says it all the time and the complaint moves from her head to her belly, etc. Most of the time I'm sympathetic trying to remember that for people with dementia, it's real and they do feel bad regardless if there is a known reason or ailment attributing to it. The ailment is dementia. HOWEVER, i too am normal and have to admit that it gets to me at times. IF i can distract her by sitting on the porch, fixing a meal, tv, whatever. ..i find the complaints cease. Did Seinfeld
really cure her? No, but keeping the mind busy with something to focus on other than her aches and pains make a huge difference. The problem is on days that the depression is bad, she doesn't want to do anything so then all i hear is 'i don't feel good' and so the circle. Sigh....

Back to you from Brooklyn!

JanMarie,

"That makes 2 of us" would sound insensitive. "Get used to it!" could be outright cruel. Not easy to channel your emotions positively when you're running on fumes all day. Years ago my mouth didn't always check with my brain before saying something. It happens.

Only thing I can suggest is to pick a day when she's fairly lucid and review the symptoms of Parkinson's and the effects of medications. That might help her understand why she's feeling poorly and take some responsibility for her own health.

Also, don't discard the possibility the "I don't feel good" could be attention-seeking behavior, in which case a kiss and a reassuring hug could do wonders.

BTW, here's a hug and a kiss from NYC. Hang in there girl. You're doing the best you can with what you have.

This is what you and I will hear for as long as we have to, because the day that we don't hear it, we will wonder how we reacted to it, and need to know that we were wrong in the reactions that we had. I was a miserable person to her, and I am sorry because it made me miserable to my husband, children and grandchildren as well as a phony. To me utter shame, I did not act well, and I need to amend this for as long as I am able to. Ultimately, we are wrong. This woman raised me, changed my diapers, heard my complaints, cried with me, rejoiced with me, and loved me unconditionally. Old age set in and changed a lot, granted. I resented the changes and blamed her for her mind-set; this is not her fault. God forgive me for how I've treated her. Now when she tells me, "I don't feel well", I have to believe her and empathize. She really doesn't feel well. I will live my life to the best of my ability. I will care for her because it is right to do so, because I do love her through all her negativity, complaints and anger, just as I hope the almighty loves and forgives me.

Tlhanger....Yes, my Partner has to have a sweater over his shirt, a blanket or TWO as he is cold. I swear it is nearly 100 in the house and he is cold. Does not make sense and I fear it could make him sick.

One of the two things mom just says. The other is" I'm cold". It could be 100 and she just says that. I think she is over dressed and sweating, but I give her sweaters and blazers and a blanket whenever she wants it.

Hang in there - As we are all doing - it is frustrating & aggravating, and just part of her being now. It is the rote response in her mind that gets some sort of reaction from you. My Mom complains to other people about the care that she is getting from dentist, doctor, HomeNursingAide, wven me; but if you ask her in front of those providers, "Oh, I'm fine, no complaints, go with the flow..." - part of her natural personality that has no more masking. It is an "Oh wow...didn't know and don't like the person behind the mask" moment...but nothing we can do but grin and bare it...and vent...and breathe, then start again. Hang in there.

Oh Jude, my Partner complains about his pain also. The other day when we were in the doctor's office, he turned to leave the room and turned around to my Partner and said, When are you coming over to my house to supervise the new wall around the property? You need to get back to work and you would feel better. Your old, what do you expect? He understands what I am going through. He has been my Partner's friend for nearly 20 years. He understands EVERYTHING about my Partner. He does not take any of the "oh Woo is me" from him. The nurse hugs me and says, "you are doing a great job".

Oh yeah, I know this deal too. "This hurts, that hurts". Then we go to her doctor or her nurse visits and she tells them she feels "great!". Then they ask her to rate her pain from 0-10 and she says "eight or nine". So it's tough to know what's really going on sometimes.

Or she'll be having a rather good day and she'll be upbeat and happy. Then a visitor comes by and suddenly she's dying again. It sure can be frustrating.

What concerns my sister and me is that Mom has complained and cried wolf for 20 years, so we will never know when she REALLY needs help and is really in trouble with something serious.
My biggest problem now is my 45 year old, divorced daughter. She "always does what she always does and she always gets what she always gets". Yet she calls me with every little problem and gets me upset so I can't sleep at night. Her ex has been on a vendetta to get even with her for 13 years, using and manipulating the children, who are now teens. The man is a psycho, cheap, sadistic and just plain relentless, and his wife is a worse psycho who hates my daughter because she couldn't have children of her own. So I get calls every time he does something that impacts her, upsets her, which is at least a couple times a month. Some things she can't fight, but she should have put her foot down 10 years ago. So, she has been constantly his victim to protect the kids. If they told her anything and she tried to intervene, he would take it out on them. The latest being her 16 year old son's call to her while she is on vacation with boyfriend - telling her how much he hates the guy, doesn't want him at his ball games, how rude he was at an event, how she needs to get another boyfriend, etc. (he is a nice, decent guy, none of what he said he "witnessed" himself - yep, lies straight out of his father's mouth, but an attempt to keep her from being happy, having a boyfriend, to make her come alone to games, or he won't see her (he lives with his father, he's just like him and has been a brat since he was 2)
Anyway, bottom line is, I'm almost 70, I just can't take any more of worrying about her when I can't do anything about it. She lives out of state but is a loner, hasn't put down roots in 20 years, so I'm her "ear" for all her problems. I'm worn out, I can't take it, don't want to hear it but I seem to be all she has. I've suggested counseling, joining clubs, etc - nope - always a reason why she can't. (Lordy, lordy, she is just like my mother!) I'm getting older, I just can't handle everyone else's stress too anymore. (my 100 year old mother, my brother-in-law is dying, my daughter's problems and my own health issues. I am so tired!

The bottom line here is that unfortunately, aging people don't feel the way they use to. Their body parts are wearing out and there are aches and pains. The things they use to be able to do without effort like walking, reaching up into the cupboards, brushing their hair, showering, etc. the things we younger people take for granted. My mom is 87. I tell myself that since I am not 87, I don't know what it feels like. It's not a pleasant experience knowing that your mom is never going to feel really good again, that's just reality. I just try to realize that she won't be with me forever and I don't want to feel guilty after she is gone that I wasn't more understanding and helpful. What am I going to be like when I am older? My thoughts are with all of you who have ill and cranky parents. It is a challenge. Love and peace to you.

beazer! you shouldn't be so tough on caretakers...sounds like you weren't living with your mom fulltime and taking care of her????

omg sendme2helpto said it all!! my dad drives me craaaaazzzy wen he starts whining!! he also does this to make me mad...like asking me for a certain type of cookie 5 times a day...when he knows I haven't had a chance to go to a certain store to buy them cause i have a million other things to do! he was on a kick a while back...he would ask me 3 times a day why my idiot brother hasn't come to see him! I finally went OFF on him big time...I screamed my head off to STOP repeating himself and when I get the dam cookies, I'll give him some...and he could call his son if he wants!! Oh, all the while, I have to drag my poor mother around the house because she's bedridden! Anyway...after that scream fest he has STOPPED antagonizing me. I am having a checkup done on him...and asking the doctor to give him some antidepressants! I GET IT DAD...YOUR 91 YRS OLD...YOU COULD BARELY SEE, CAN BARELY HEAR, CAN BARELY WALK...WHO WOULD WANT TO BE ALIVE THAT LONG AND LIVE LIKE THAT??? NOT ME!! LOL

OldBob--you are a real SWEETIE!! That's love....I pray my hubby goes before me b/c he wouldn't treat me that way--(as he doesn't now!!), I'm sure being an invalid would land me in a NH faster than you could imagine.

JBB123--some people love to be "sick". My grandmother had a saying "she ENJOYED bad health her whole life". Wellll...sad as this may seem, some people love to be sick. Either just recovering or just getting something or actively having it. My mother falls in that category. She does NOT want to be well and has enjoyed her life of not feeling well. LOVES a good ER run, LOVES even more a little 'procedure' or surgery. It's a mental illness, and we all treat it as such. She has a lot of age related health issues, but even when she was younger, she was always sick with something. I don't handle my frustration with her well, I get angry and end up at home, stomping around, being pointlessly mad. I need to learn from my 4 sibs who basically ignore her. They are all just fine and she seems fine with their infrequent visits, so I am going to "learn" how to stop fussing at her. Mother doesn't have Alz. but she has "broken record syndrome". I hear the same stories over and over.
You're seeing your mother out of conscience, which is fine. She probably doesn't remember you--which hurts! Just keep your visits super short and when you're done, leave. When mother was in a rehab facility, I kept my visits super short, and when I let, I would sit for a few minutes in my car and do deep breathing exercises to clear my head. Sounds like she not only doesn't WANT to be happy, she wouldn't know happiness if it hit her on the head. Her happiness is NOT your responsibility.

JessieBelle - I was laughing reading about your Mom and the poison ivy. The other day my Mom told me that she'd figured out that the reason she's been so weak lately is because of the awful heat we've been having. I told her, "But it's air conditioned to 74 in here, and you haven't been outside. You complain it's too cold." She said, "But the barometric pressure is still high" and waved me off lol.