I'm so tired of my Mom saying, "I don't feel good." Anyone else?

Its hard to discern the truth from just complaints sometimes. The people that we are dealing with (parents, spouses, siblings, etc) as caregivers are usually depressed personalities anyway. They have conditioned themselves to respond more negatively than positively as a coping mechanism. There is an element of selfishness and manipulation in some cases which is the result of unhealthy emotional dependence. Very few of us are taught how to deal with life's adversities effectively. We "react" to them which usually creates more problems for us. As caregivers, we have to be the voice of reason, compassion and control for the sake of our loved ones. Its hard and I deal with guilt daily because I know that most of my mother's ailments are self-induced because to a degree her primary motive is to have her way. Her way is to have her adult children and grandchildren around her all of the time. There is nothing wrong with wanting your loved ones near you except that it isn't possible or reasonable. She has never wanted us to move away or to have our own lives. She has pushed everyone that has come into my life away and I let her do it. I am finally claiming my life. My mother and father have a parent-child relationship. My mother doesn't understand boundaries and has manipulated all of us to do what she wants us to do. She made me emotionally responsible for her from a child. She had a stroke 3 years ago. It was a minor one, but she is holding on to the experience to manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for her and waiting on her. She has yet to do anything to help herself recover from the stroke. She wants us to treat her like she is disabled, when she has no physical disabilities. She just has a speech issue that could be corrected. She started showing symptoms of depression when she retired about 8 years ago now. I will be there for her but I am so happy that I am learning how to put the right boundaries in place. I am learning how not to let her use the fact that I love her to manipulate me. I question whether she really has dementia and it is getting harder for her to play the victim role. She has kept this up for 3 years now...if its all an act, its going to be revealed at some point. Right now we are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. We have caught her doing things that she claims she can't do more than once. She doesn't know how to focus on herself in order to get better. Most of the people that we are caring for are prisoners of their own minds. Their fear does manifest into physical ailments and they simply don't know how to turn that negative thinking around. All that I can do is try to help my mother without being sucked into it myself. I accept that I can't change who she is nor can I make her happy. I have to look out for my own emotional and mental stability while helping her as much as I can. It isn't easy nor pleasant some days and the emotion can get overwhelming!

Oh I must of been lucky, my mother never did complain about anything.Other than not wanting to take a shower, oh that was fun haha. I miss her so much, even if she would have complain. I think of all the times I complained growing up and she never once said anything. I know your mom plucks your last nerve, but be glad she is still with you complaining and all. For one day you will miss her and wish she was back with you.

one thing you may ask your doctor about is prescribing a placebo. With my MIL its also a matter of memory of taking a medication and she insists she needs it. Placebo's cause no harm and if taking a pill makes her instantly feel better, then I would ask him to prescribe some....

Hi all - wow, lots going on in this thread! My heart is breaking ver some of the things I've read. One thing I've extracted: everyone try telling your person that they *must* come up with a scale or else you won't be able to help with the truly bad vs. the 'normal bad'! I hope that will ring with some of your-all's person. Also, every time I read so many people feeling so awful (true or not, and where on the scale) I can't help to notice that nutrition isn't discussed along with meds! Think about finding (or making, putting vitamins so they're ground in) a quality shake you can make them drink daily and get some finer nutrients into them (and yourself, for that matter!). Our diets are pretty poor, often highly processed food. Doctors don't say, 'Gee, her cells are starving.' I'm not contributing nearly any of the good support and advice other have here, but unless we're adding 'you are what you eat,' to me the conversation isn't complete. God bless all of you, and what you do every day.

We have an Eyore also, I find if I say back oh yes, I have a headache/ sore back/ aching knees and begin to go into great detail about MY pains it puts a kibosh on those complaints. No one likes to listen to that stuff all day.

When I'm not sure how to help exactly, I sometimes say, "well, how about a backrub, do you think that would help?" It always seems to be enjoyed and it doesn't have to be a super long one.

With all of those medical challenges she really doesn't feel good, so have a little bit more compassion. She is not trying to make your life hell, but when people are in pain they usually want to "share" their pain with those closest. One day you may have just as many pains, so try laughing (view comedies). Laughter releases endorphins in the brain and will produce a "runner's high" and lessen one's pain.

Jan Marie, I can identify. I am finding it fatiguing. It saps my energy and I become lethargic and somewhat depressed. Mom is a yes, butter, so it's either no, no, no, no, no or but, but, but, but, but. When I suggest things to help she responds with either, "I can't be bothered" or "I can't walk like I used to", or "there's nowhere interesting to go - it's not England, I'll start tomorrow (of course tomorrow never comes). She never uses the splint for her carpal tunnel syndrome (of course with the extensive damage it doesn't make any noticeable difference anyway); she won't do yoga; she won't go for a short walk; she can't be bothered bathing her eyes. Her refrain is, "the sooner I die the better", "I wish I could die", "I'm going to see if I can get a house in England" (my sister has been offering free trips there, and even Rome one year, but she says she is too old/ill to travel or it will be too painful to have to come back to Canada.

It is hard to sustain empathy and patience when someone is hyperfocused on negative feelings and is not able for one reason or another to embrace any kind of relief or consolation. I also believe the psychic energy rubs off on you/me/one. Funnily enough, giving her a hug or putting my arms around her will snap her out of it, because she doesn't like those expressions of affection. So when I've had enough, I'll go over, put my arms around, her tap her and she says "Alright, that's enough" (lol).

There are only two other ways I can handle it: accepting where she's at psychologically but refusing to go down that path with her; maintaining purpose in my own life (albeit that is getting harder to do - I just broke a commitment because I slept in and I feel terrible about it); and just removing myself from the situation to take a break.

mental illness can cause physical manifistations- i know because i have them. and medications cause side effects. she probably DOESNT feel good and telling her its alll in her head will not help trust me. all you can is help her communicate the details of why she isnt feeling well ect like a book with symptoms in it you can show her and she can use ect. also logging everytime she says things and what she says can help determin a pattern you can show her (without anger or resentment) to make her realize that mabey some symtoms arnt symptoms ect. contact me if you need further explination- also if you cant take care of your mother without resentment towards her telling you she doesnt feel well please use a psw orcaretaker. what your feeliing is probably compassion fatiuge which family member of loved ones do get after long periods of interaction. but please remeber. aging not only hurts mental but emotionaly and physically to . she didnt choose this life or to feel like she does.

Yes!!! My gran who lives with is constantly complains of pain. She asks for a "pain pill" almost every 15 minutes. I think she is just mentally addicted to the idea that a Motrin will fix everything. She has also become like a little child. She sulks and pouts when things don't go her way.
You are not alone. I found writing down my fustrations really helped cope with the day-to-day life.

Sometimes a little humor helps. Most days for the past 5.5 years my mother has sinus congestion and says, "I'm coming down with a cold." The other day I told her she had been coming down with one each day for over 5 years now. She said, "No, this is the first time I said it." She was really indignant about the whole thing. No more was said.

The next day, she sniffled and said, "I'm coming down with a cold." I just laughed. I don't know if she remembered the day before, but I could tell she was thinking about something.

It's the same with poison ivy. She gets a bump and tells me she needs calamine lotion. "I got this poison ivy here." I tell her she hasn't been outside in a long time, so it's not poison ivy. Still, on many days we go through the same. The other day she ordered some calamine from the pharmacy to deliver. She had to treat her "poison ivy." Calamine is drying, so I really don't like her to use it, but...

I feel your frustration. My mother has every ache, pain and illness possible. Her answer.. a medical team!! She sees a different healthcare provider almost everyday! Her life revolves around appointments. She has a massage every week sees her osteopath every week and sees her psychiatrist 2x month so she can get her "feel good" prescriptions. My mother is determined to never have a headache or any other ache.
I believe the generation of mothers (ages 75-95) suffer at a very high rate from NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and other emotional issues. They are incredibly needy and self-absorbed. My suggestion is you get your mother evaluated by a doctor specializing in geriatrics. Wishing you peace.

I am going to be 60 this year. I have RA, degenerative disc disease, hypothyroid disease, Barrett's Esophagus and HAD for eight years undiagnosed hyperparathyroid disease (not related to my thyroid) that produced awful symptoms and ended up having two large tumors removed. I force myself often when I don't feel like it to get up and move. I walk about 4 miles a day 3-5 days a week and go to the gym. I keep my house clean, garden, walk my dogs, etc. I love my husband and he loves me. It means a lot. He is due for his third knee replacement in August (two partials and this will be a full). He's 65. My parents, who really do have the world by the tail, are both NPD and self centered. My dad will move and exercise, loves his yard, but any time I have had enough pain to sideline me, he says "Wait till you get to be MY age". It's always a contest (not for me) and my mother bitches and moans more than anyone I have ever met and never HAS taken a walk or done anything but demand me, me, me attention. Anytime I have called her she always begins with how tired or how this or that hurts. She really could care less if I have pain and never asks. ALL roads lead back to her. I don't mind hearing from someone I love to a certain extent their frustration about no matter how you try, sometimes you just get sick of being sick and tired. But it has to be an empathetic two way street at least some of the time. Constantly moaning and groaning and doing nothing to help yourself feel better smacks of constantly needing to be the center of attention. I am over that!

I find if my 93 yr old mom doesn't get enough of the right kind of attention from me, she will start with the aches thing. I'll often turn on the TV music channel to get her mind on something else. If I have the time, I will sit with her or bring her to the kitchen for a change of pace/surroundings. Like a baby, I make sure all her needs are met physically, then I make sure she has something to do. Boredom will bring on the default mode of "I'm not feeling good".

It really helps to think.... how will I want to be treated when I'm her age, sitting there..... and that helps me have compassion.

There are times my mom will say she's feeling bad when she just wants attention. That can anger me because I feel manipulated. Especially if I don't have time to sit there and pay her undivided attention. However....

I often think of what kind of life it would be like to sit there and not be able to do what she once could. My mom was a workaholic... so she really feels the misery of not having something to do. I rack my brain trying to think of things. Puzzles, coloring, magazines/cutting, I really do need to think of some other things to take her attention off her self. She also does not like to do anything that requires learning something. Though she was once a hard worker, now she is lazy lazy lazy. She won't even turn the TV on... nothing interests her. So...... that doesn't help. But I will not resort to depression medicine unless I am not able to bring her around for weeks and after all other attempts are exhausted. Meds can complicate things.

Jocelyn, what you wrote is so true. Nothing can make me feel worse than sitting around doing nothing. My mood and feeling of well being goes downhill quickly if I sit around the house. Getting out even just to go for a walk makes me feel better. Imagine if I couldn't do that? I wouldn't feel good, either.

And this is why I **never** tell my only son (only living family member and 25 years old) if I feel bad, physically or emotionally. Never. *Never* And then yesterday, he screeches at me that I never share with him when my health changes. "Quite frankly, my dear," I said to him "it's none of your business."

I would love to hear that my mom didn't feel good all day long - all I hear all day long is about whether she has pooped, how much she did or did not poop, why isn't she going regularly - she goes ALL day long, every time she goes to the bathroom. I am so tired of hearing about, wiping, and smelling poop all day long I could cringe.... but life goes on, we have to take it in stride, the disease is what it is and so are our moms.

I can't remember a time when my Mom was not complaining about her health or money OR my Dad. When I was young I had no idea how to deal with her. We were SO enmeshed. I lived in utter fear for her well being. It affected my health and my marriage. I finally ended up in counseling and over the years I have learned to detach. She is elderly now and I'm 59 and the chronic complaining is still there. I call her most days of the week and never expect any more than a litany of negativity from her. Now I just say I'm sorry that she is not feeling well or I'm sorry she is worried or angry. If she wants to talk about it I listen for a while then I change the subject. I seldom offer advice and I don't offer to jump in to make things better. THAT just leads to a never ending list of demands on me and more complaining from her. I mostly listen and tell her I love her at the end of each phone call.

Visiting is more difficult because along with her complaints she starts fights with my Dad and tries to involve me. Again I try to change the subject or I get up and start doing chores. Still my blood pressure goes sky high and I am exhausted when I get home. I can manage interacting with my Mom over the phone and when I visit but that's it for me. I would not ever live with either of my parents.

My heart goes out to all of those who have chosen to live with and care for negative demanding parents.

I hear you guys!!!! My 90 yr old late stage ALZ father denies all pain and discomfort no matter what in front of anyone except me (his daughter and cared for him at home for 21 years) and my husband. He is hyper-sexual so of course he has to be a Big Strong Bull (even with ALZ!) in front of the doctor, nurses, aides, whoever. He has zero short term memory, COPD, back lung from being a coal miner, arthritis all over, fingers knotted with arthritis, prostate cancer, two pressure ulcers stage 4 on ONE foot top and bottom so bad they are now black with rot and can't be brought under control, 50 lb weight loss in less than a year (he is now 118 lbs at 5feet 8inches, other pressure sores on buttocks and back, buttock boil, incontinent and in diapers, two broken hips, bed ridden 100% and MORE...he will complain how badly he hurts (and I see why!). He is PRN for morphine. I ring the call buzzer, nurse comes in and he perks right up, smiles and swears nothing hurts so they walk away, thinking I am trying to kill him with drugs or something. Sort of opposite of what you have.

My mother said that for most of her life! I remember coming home from grade school and hearing that. She passed away two months ago at the age of 93. She graduated to "I've lived too long". If you didn't disagree within ten seconds, you were in trouble!
Unfortunately for my mother, the reason she never felt well was because she never exercised one day in her life. Back then, if you were thin, you felt you didn't need to exercise.
I pretended I didn't hear the "I don't feel well" comments and just went on to another topic.
And, I've learned to exercise, eat well and complain about not feeling well to my doctor....not my loved ones!

Don't feel bad, I know someone in his 90s who lives alone and frequents the ER almost every day or night. Late one night the squad actually showed up twice within the hour. He does this for attention and brings most of his problems on himself. Watching this ongoing problem is enough to make anyone not feel good. The man won't take proper care of himself. He won't drink any water, and as a result gets very frequent infections. He also needs lots of dry staple food such as cereal and cookies which in the end causes him serious constipation. Then, he takes a laxative to cause diarrhea. He's notorious for spreading feces everywhere, and he has already left a big mess in his bathroom. Not much seems to be done despite daily aides coming to his home to help him. There's been so much going on when no one else is around, meaning there's so much going on that most people don't know about. When you're trying to speak up, it seems like the blame is shifted onto you for even knowing what's really going on when no one else is around. I can't tell you how it feels to even be falsely accused of stuff you didn't even say or do. The person I speak of very obviously has serious mental issues, and it's been suspected by multiple parties that he may actually have the onset of dementia. I'm just not cut out to deal with this type of person I'm speaking of. I've actually done all that I possibly can to help him whenever I possibly could. I've actually been falsely accused him of having his oxygen regulator when I don't even use oxygen equipment. This really didn't make sense to either me or the responding officer so he didn't even investigate. Another thing I was falsely accused of is using people for what I can get from them, (which is never the case). In fact, if this were really true, I seriously doubt I would've spent almost $50 on a pizza for both of us, which is really a whole lot out of a very tiny SSI check. Therefore, this just doesn't come from people who take others for what they can get, it just doesn't happen. In fact, we even took turns paying for dinner many times. It's just during the last two months that I was going through a span of a very tough financial situation, which was fully and very clearly explained to this person. It was explained that the situation would only be temporary due to some unexpected expenses that happened during those last two months. Right in the midst of those very hard times is when I was falsely accused of taking others for what I could get from them. Doesn't seem like mentally ill elders tend to pray on you during your very hardest times? Why do people always have to kick you when you're down, but they're nice to you when you're up? This person also knows that I was in the process of fixing a salvage vehicle that was only minorly damaged when a tire went flat on the road and had to be taken to a shop for repair. I'm very close to getting that vehicle back on the road since repairs have been made through my insurance company. My only vehicle happens to be a gas scooter which is very close to going for inspection to get it legally back on the road. Being stuck without being able to go anywhere for about nine months is bad enough without someone causing unnecessary trouble for you. I think this person is very jealous and even mad because I'll soon be getting my vehicle back on the road. This person cannot drive anymore since he's been supposedly declared legally blind. No one really wants to take him anywhere it seems, and I think it's because of how he's treated others as well as me. You can't just go ordering people around and making unrealistic demands of them, especially at the worst possible times and expect them to cater to you. I only wish someone out there knew from experience exactly what I've been going through for the past year with this particular person, because I've never seen or dealt with anything like this. There doesn't seem to be any family in the picture, and I don't think I blame them for what I have discovered. The only family that I know this person has is actually planning to move out of state, and I guess I don't blame them. This would give them the advantage of vanishing without a trace to be as far away from this person as possible. I know this person's family is moving out of state because I heard the grandson saying something on his last visit. This particular person is also notorious for destroying other people's reputations and falsely accusing them like he has me. What's being said behind my back by him and others, they better darn well prove it because none of what they said is true. God knows what I did and didn't do, and he will very soon repay. I think the person now has a very guilty conscience knowing that he's clearly in the wrong since I successfully hit some nails on the head and addressed the issues with the truth, which is what he definitely hates, truth. He's also a perpetual liar, because he also lied about buying an ice cream stand. This was summer of 2014. At first I would've thought he was scammed until he slipped me some unrecognizable lines that actually turned out to be lies. I never would've known without someone in the know revealing some secrets, and I'll explain why:

The person I was dealing with said that the seller of the ice cream truck was going to work his way around to our area to drop off the purchase since he was working on a contract with the ice cream stand. This was said to be why delivery was taking so long, and here it is Summer 2015 (and still no ice cream stand).

The real truth:
Anytime you make such a purchase as this, delivery is supposed to be swift. Therefore, the seller does not continue working the stand.

Another thing I was told is that the ice cream stand was in a place called "Central."

The real truth:
There's no such place as "central."

There was supposedly a stolen boat, (but come to find out there is no boat).

Twice now, he said that medications were said to be "stolen" from his apartment. It wasn't until much later that I discovered he was actually abusing those medications by overdosing on them. One of those medications is his albuterol, and albuterol if overused can actually cause your heart to beat abnormally fast. Albuterol can be abused through overuse. In fact he told me one day that his doctor discovered he was abusing his albuterol, he told me out of his own mouth. The next day he had the nerve to try to get some from me since I use albuterol only as needed. Needless to say, I didn't fall for his trick and he got mad. Right after this is when a cop showed up at my door and told me about the oxygen regulator, which I clearly did not have. A very short time later, he said that he found the item in a box in his apartment. Oh yes, his medications were never "stolen" as he said, more than once I saw him getting into the lockbox where his medications are locked up. I also saw him removing extra pills and taking them to his room. I don't know what he did with them, but I know he was in that lockbox for about 1 to 2 minutes. I'm sure that his medications were locked up for a reason, and this may very well be that reason. The only people who normally get into that lockbox are his aides and his nurses. What I think needs to happen is someone needs to take guardianship of this man and put him in a nursing home. He will not die just from being in a nursing home. However, he can die if he neglects to take proper steps to keep him himself alive, which includes proper nourishment and any life-sustaining care.

This very same person also happens to be in a power chair, and he has badly destroyed his apartment. This happened to be the best apartment in the building, and it happens to be in what may very well be a historical building. This person has very seriously damaged his last two apartments, and he's now going for people on his scooter or power chair. I actually saw him hit almost hit someone this summer 2015. I actually saw him almost hit one of his aides a while back, and he has almost hit me twice within a short time. This particular VA owned power chair also happens to have a footplate that can actually break someone's leg if he rams someone in the leg. Another thing that I didn't know when he first got this chair is that he was actually up to no good with it. He even told me how the footplate can be used to hook someone by the ankles and trip them. This could actually cause someone to fall and get seriously hurt besides just the footplate injuring them. Again, the footplate on this particular power chair is a very dangerous part since it really can seriously hurt someone if this particular person happens to hit someone with it. This can cause very serious injury to a person's legs, especially if it happens to be to the bony area of a person's leg. Someone somewhere really needs to remove this tool from this person's care before they seriously hurt someone. He has also been nearly hit four times since I knew him, and this was even brought up in a conversation from someone else who also knows about everything this person's been doing. Apparently I'm not the only one who knows about the traffic incidence, others also know probably more than I think they do. This makes me wonder if others may also know what I discovered has been going on for so long.

Now that you have a better idea of things I had to deal with over the past year, I must say that none of you are alone. I can honestly say that dealing with all that I've had to face the past year is definitely hard, especially if you're very inexperienced with identifying all the behaviors but I've had to witness. When you're powerless to do anything because proper channels won't step in and take over to override these behaviors, this makes dealing with these kind of difficult people even harder. I only wish that some mentally ill people were allowed to be locked up as in days past, because some of them clearly are a danger to society if they find an opportunity to do great harm. This is why some people clearly need to be in an asylum or other institution where they cannot hurt no one else ever again. I only wondered just how many people this particular person actually harmed, and I also know that one of his past aids was falsely accused of stealing hundreds of dollars and a car, (neither of which was actually stolen).

This person son was also falsely accused of arson to a house that the now elderly person used to own. Hindsight really is a good teacher, and I now seriously doubt that the person accused of arson ever set fire to a house that was either never owned by this person, or was so far gone that it had to be demolished by the city.

As for this person's wife and other people who came and went before me, I must seriously question whether or not "Emily" was really his wife and whether or not she really died. After all the very subtle and very clever lies that were told to me over the past year, I can only wonder if "Emily" ever even existed. If she did, I must wonder if she really ever died or if she simply just left him after dealing with too much for too long. I tend to strongly suspect the latter since many other people have had to part company with this particular person. When you're dealing with what I've had to deal with for so long, being away from such drama actually makes you feel better for once. Additionally, you also can't help but watch from afar as the person continues in misery that you simply could not fix. We can't fix what we simply cannot fix. There's no use wasting your precious time trying to fix what you cannot fix. We often cannot realize this until it's long too late, and a lesson we learned. At first I thought this person was a blessing, but he only turned out to be a lesson to be learned.

I'm sorry, BUT excuse ME ??? How DARE you say that, I took care of my mom for 6 years here at home and she died on April 5th 2015, Easter Sunday, and what I would give to hear her say "Anything", let me tell you something before you never hear her sweet voice again, I was here 24/7 everyday with no help from my sorry family and I got tired, I got upset sometimes, my mom was bedridden and I did EVERYTHING for her, she has Dementia and she thought people were coming in and taking her belongings or I was giving them away and I would have to tell her "no" mom no one is doing this, some times I would leave her room and go in mine and just scream or just cry my eyes out, but I did it cause she's my mother and what I would give to just be able to hear her voice and touch her now!! Our last words to each other was I Love You and I left the hospital and the next morning I got that call, Come up her she has taken a turn for the worst, I Flew there and she was gone, I held her face in my hands cause they told me her heart was still beating, her face was ice cold at her chin and it started going up to her nose then eyes and then the Doctor told me she was gone and I never got to hear her voice again, I have cried everyday and beat myself up cause I "would" go in my room to cry myself and the whole time it "Wasn't about ME, it was ALL about her. I wish everyday she was still here so I could here her say anything.

JessieBelle - I was laughing reading about your Mom and the poison ivy. The other day my Mom told me that she'd figured out that the reason she's been so weak lately is because of the awful heat we've been having. I told her, "But it's air conditioned to 74 in here, and you haven't been outside. You complain it's too cold." She said, "But the barometric pressure is still high" and waved me off lol.

OldBob--you are a real SWEETIE!! That's love....I pray my hubby goes before me b/c he wouldn't treat me that way--(as he doesn't now!!), I'm sure being an invalid would land me in a NH faster than you could imagine.

JBB123--some people love to be "sick". My grandmother had a saying "she ENJOYED bad health her whole life". Wellll...sad as this may seem, some people love to be sick. Either just recovering or just getting something or actively having it. My mother falls in that category. She does NOT want to be well and has enjoyed her life of not feeling well. LOVES a good ER run, LOVES even more a little 'procedure' or surgery. It's a mental illness, and we all treat it as such. She has a lot of age related health issues, but even when she was younger, she was always sick with something. I don't handle my frustration with her well, I get angry and end up at home, stomping around, being pointlessly mad. I need to learn from my 4 sibs who basically ignore her. They are all just fine and she seems fine with their infrequent visits, so I am going to "learn" how to stop fussing at her. Mother doesn't have Alz. but she has "broken record syndrome". I hear the same stories over and over.
You're seeing your mother out of conscience, which is fine. She probably doesn't remember you--which hurts! Just keep your visits super short and when you're done, leave. When mother was in a rehab facility, I kept my visits super short, and when I let, I would sit for a few minutes in my car and do deep breathing exercises to clear my head. Sounds like she not only doesn't WANT to be happy, she wouldn't know happiness if it hit her on the head. Her happiness is NOT your responsibility.

omg sendme2helpto said it all!! my dad drives me craaaaazzzy wen he starts whining!! he also does this to make me mad...like asking me for a certain type of cookie 5 times a day...when he knows I haven't had a chance to go to a certain store to buy them cause i have a million other things to do! he was on a kick a while back...he would ask me 3 times a day why my idiot brother hasn't come to see him! I finally went OFF on him big time...I screamed my head off to STOP repeating himself and when I get the dam cookies, I'll give him some...and he could call his son if he wants!! Oh, all the while, I have to drag my poor mother around the house because she's bedridden! Anyway...after that scream fest he has STOPPED antagonizing me. I am having a checkup done on him...and asking the doctor to give him some antidepressants! I GET IT DAD...YOUR 91 YRS OLD...YOU COULD BARELY SEE, CAN BARELY HEAR, CAN BARELY WALK...WHO WOULD WANT TO BE ALIVE THAT LONG AND LIVE LIKE THAT??? NOT ME!! LOL

beazer! you shouldn't be so tough on caretakers...sounds like you weren't living with your mom fulltime and taking care of her????

The bottom line here is that unfortunately, aging people don't feel the way they use to. Their body parts are wearing out and there are aches and pains. The things they use to be able to do without effort like walking, reaching up into the cupboards, brushing their hair, showering, etc. the things we younger people take for granted. My mom is 87. I tell myself that since I am not 87, I don't know what it feels like. It's not a pleasant experience knowing that your mom is never going to feel really good again, that's just reality. I just try to realize that she won't be with me forever and I don't want to feel guilty after she is gone that I wasn't more understanding and helpful. What am I going to be like when I am older? My thoughts are with all of you who have ill and cranky parents. It is a challenge. Love and peace to you.

What concerns my sister and me is that Mom has complained and cried wolf for 20 years, so we will never know when she REALLY needs help and is really in trouble with something serious.
My biggest problem now is my 45 year old, divorced daughter. She "always does what she always does and she always gets what she always gets". Yet she calls me with every little problem and gets me upset so I can't sleep at night. Her ex has been on a vendetta to get even with her for 13 years, using and manipulating the children, who are now teens. The man is a psycho, cheap, sadistic and just plain relentless, and his wife is a worse psycho who hates my daughter because she couldn't have children of her own. So I get calls every time he does something that impacts her, upsets her, which is at least a couple times a month. Some things she can't fight, but she should have put her foot down 10 years ago. So, she has been constantly his victim to protect the kids. If they told her anything and she tried to intervene, he would take it out on them. The latest being her 16 year old son's call to her while she is on vacation with boyfriend - telling her how much he hates the guy, doesn't want him at his ball games, how rude he was at an event, how she needs to get another boyfriend, etc. (he is a nice, decent guy, none of what he said he "witnessed" himself - yep, lies straight out of his father's mouth, but an attempt to keep her from being happy, having a boyfriend, to make her come alone to games, or he won't see her (he lives with his father, he's just like him and has been a brat since he was 2)
Anyway, bottom line is, I'm almost 70, I just can't take any more of worrying about her when I can't do anything about it. She lives out of state but is a loner, hasn't put down roots in 20 years, so I'm her "ear" for all her problems. I'm worn out, I can't take it, don't want to hear it but I seem to be all she has. I've suggested counseling, joining clubs, etc - nope - always a reason why she can't. (Lordy, lordy, she is just like my mother!) I'm getting older, I just can't handle everyone else's stress too anymore. (my 100 year old mother, my brother-in-law is dying, my daughter's problems and my own health issues. I am so tired!

Oh yeah, I know this deal too. "This hurts, that hurts". Then we go to her doctor or her nurse visits and she tells them she feels "great!". Then they ask her to rate her pain from 0-10 and she says "eight or nine". So it's tough to know what's really going on sometimes.

Or she'll be having a rather good day and she'll be upbeat and happy. Then a visitor comes by and suddenly she's dying again. It sure can be frustrating.

Oh Jude, my Partner complains about his pain also. The other day when we were in the doctor's office, he turned to leave the room and turned around to my Partner and said, When are you coming over to my house to supervise the new wall around the property? You need to get back to work and you would feel better. Your old, what do you expect? He understands what I am going through. He has been my Partner's friend for nearly 20 years. He understands EVERYTHING about my Partner. He does not take any of the "oh Woo is me" from him. The nurse hugs me and says, "you are doing a great job".