Been dealing with stress, upset, difficulties for a very long time. With not any break in between. First mom. Then Moms funeral and estate mess. Then five months after mom died. Husband had open heart surgery and a stroke.
it isnt hard to look around and find people and even entire nations suffering worse than we are . i feel like ive been ripped in half right now but life has to go on . millions have lost their sons and daughters to senseless wars . my life didnt come with any guarantees . probably be a bunch of crooked fine print if it had of ..
One aspect you should address with a therapist is identifying what you can and can't do, how you can be efficient in what you can do, and how to hire out what you can't do, or accept that not everything you want to do for your husband can be done.
Life is a journey of learning those basic and critical issues, and how to adapt them.
You've posted repeatedly on the issues and frustration arising from caregiving. How much outside help have you gotten? Have you reached out to people in your synagogue?
I'm sure you realize you're not the only one dealing with a variety of stressors; some people here have much more complex, serious and demanding issues. They too are struggling, as so many posters here are. We're all facing challenges. And we each react in our own ways, trying to find something close to a tolerable medium of accepting what we can and can't do.
Sadly, I don't see that progression in your own caregiving journey. I think you've "hit a wall" and can't get beyond that. Some of this is learning to problem solve, most of it is learning to understand what you can and cannot do.
Life might not get better; it might even get worse. I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to get some help and continue with that so you can at least identify what your limits are and learn to accept that not everything that's desirable in caring for someone is going to happen .... because we're all human, and we all have limitations. But you need to understand what yours are, learn to accept what you can and can't do.
You also need to focus on what you CAN and HAVE done. In your mental assessment, it seems the negatives dominate. Where are the positives? Make a list of what you've done for your mother and your husband.
Are you getting out and taking breaks for yourself as you wrote once that you would do?
This isn't meant to be unkind, but you're the only one who can change your outlook. You might want to read Tgengine's thread, the advice that was given him and the struggle he faced to stand up to his family that was exploiting him.
I needed a reminder that other people are going through worse. I'm just tired and frustrated. No, there is practically no outside help. Don't attend services. Haven't for many years. Don't have friends so other than therapist and online don't have anywhere to vent.
I think we all need reminders sometimes that things could be a lot worse. E.g.,
We could be trapped in the Middle East and required to wear burkhas, denied the right to vote and literally be prisoners in sexist states.
We could be young girls in Africa being sold into the sex slave trade.
We could have been in US areas devastated by floods, tornados, hurricanes or winter storms. We could have lived in the NE during last winter's storm when one of the islands was flooded, power was out, lines were down....imagine trying to care for your self, let alone an elder with no power, no generator, no heat...
Anyone of these makes me thankful I am who I am, living where I am, and haven't had any power failures longer than a week.
Hadnuff-- Not to pile on, but the BLAH and the blankness hang around long after the intensity simmers down. And you are nowhere near the simmer-down phase. I am worried about you, as are others on this forum. Hoping you can rally and embrace one adjustment that will ease your stress. One (just one) thing such as a support group... or therapy/meds... or some in-home help for hubby... or someone to clean your house once a month? You get my drift. Sounds simplistic, but sometimes removing one burden will spark additional possibilities. Take care and hang in there.
Hi. I know what it feels like to be going through so much(one stressor after another) and not have any support. One thing I learned about myself when I was really overwhelmed and burdened is that I am an amazing problem-solver and very resilient! This gives me hope. Now that once again Im in a new and yet uncomfortable phase of my life..that is making me miserable!!! Ughhh! I am going to pray for our spirits to be lifted in love and light. Hope you feel better,
I should have added that it isn't the issue of exploitation that I think you could benefit from reading the post. It's the issue of being caught in a specific mindset, of one in which it doesn't appear as though things will change.
And it's the issue of facing that restriction, of self limitations, of inability to change, and finding the courage to reach deep within, or listen to advice given here, and start making changes....little steps, just little steps, one at a time.
Hadnuff, doesn't it seem like it is one thing after another? For our parent(s) there seems to be conflicting emotions. Part of us is sad that they are gone, but another part of us is relieved, and we feel guilty thinking that way.
Next comes dealing with the funeral. I was glad I had an outstanding funeral home for my parents who passed within almost a year of each other. And were buried out of State.
And now the estate... oh my gosh, it's like doing one's incomes taxes... so complex that I tend to set it aside hoping it will go away. And I am getting help from my Elder Law Attorney, I can't image doing it on my own. But yikes the cost of doing the probate this way :P
And now you are dealing with hubby and his medical situations. I know it must had been a shock for everyone when your hubby had a stroke right after having heart surgery. That's not suppose to happen in the grand plan of things. He's probably pretty upset over all of this, too. And that makes it hard for you, too.
Believe me, back when dealing with my folks, there were times I hoped I wouldn't wake up in the morning.... let someone else deal with all this.
In response to some of the comments: I do not agree that you need to think of 'far worst" situations in order to feel grateful for what you are 'not' going through..You are feeling pain and that is valid. Just try to highlight your positive's...Exercise used to be my stress reducer and now I have a torn labrum :(( so I cant enjoy my classes for the next 3 months. I am going to start walking. Learning to change my mindset..thats my intention this month. Good Luck!
Hadnuff, I saw your post about how you don't have any family or friends to help you or to confide in. It sounds like your husband may not be able to give you much positive reinforcement. I would imagine that to work your tail off and not get get any positive reinforcement would be frustrating and might help inspire a negative dialogue in your head.
I realize you may get positive feedback on this site, but, have you thought about a professional CD that provides positive and reinforcing messages? You can play them at home or in the car. They may provide you with some positivity. I've even heard of people who go to sleep with them playing. It's just a thought of something that might help and I don't think they are that expensive.
The recordings are of a pleasant voice that says things like, "You are a kind and loving person. You are valuable and a great asset to your loved ones." or 'You are capable and brave. "You show much courage and should be very proud of your accomplishments." Just hearing those words may effect our subconscious or that's the theory.
One aspect you should address with a therapist is identifying what you can and can't do, how you can be efficient in what you can do, and how to hire out what you can't do, or accept that not everything you want to do for your husband can be done.
Life is a journey of learning those basic and critical issues, and how to adapt them.
You've posted repeatedly on the issues and frustration arising from caregiving. How much outside help have you gotten? Have you reached out to people in your synagogue?
I'm sure you realize you're not the only one dealing with a variety of stressors; some people here have much more complex, serious and demanding issues. They too are struggling, as so many posters here are. We're all facing challenges. And we each react in our own ways, trying to find something close to a tolerable medium of accepting what we can and can't do.
Sadly, I don't see that progression in your own caregiving journey. I think you've "hit a wall" and can't get beyond that. Some of this is learning to problem solve, most of it is learning to understand what you can and cannot do.
Life might not get better; it might even get worse. I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to get some help and continue with that so you can at least identify what your limits are and learn to accept that not everything that's desirable in caring for someone is going to happen .... because we're all human, and we all have limitations. But you need to understand what yours are, learn to accept what you can and can't do.
You also need to focus on what you CAN and HAVE done. In your mental assessment, it seems the negatives dominate. Where are the positives? Make a list of what you've done for your mother and your husband.
Are you getting out and taking breaks for yourself as you wrote once that you would do?
This isn't meant to be unkind, but you're the only one who can change your outlook. You might want to read Tgengine's thread, the advice that was given him and the struggle he faced to stand up to his family that was exploiting him.
See this thread: spend some time reading it.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/sandwich-generation-212413.htm
We could be trapped in the Middle East and required to wear burkhas, denied the right to vote and literally be prisoners in sexist states.
We could be young girls in Africa being sold into the sex slave trade.
We could have been in US areas devastated by floods, tornados, hurricanes or winter storms. We could have lived in the NE during last winter's storm when one of the islands was flooded, power was out, lines were down....imagine trying to care for your self, let alone an elder with no power, no generator, no heat...
Anyone of these makes me thankful I am who I am, living where I am, and haven't had any power failures longer than a week.
Now that once again Im in a new and yet uncomfortable phase of my life..that is making me miserable!!! Ughhh! I am going to pray for our spirits to be lifted in love and light. Hope you feel better,
And it's the issue of facing that restriction, of self limitations, of inability to change, and finding the courage to reach deep within, or listen to advice given here, and start making changes....little steps, just little steps, one at a time.
Next comes dealing with the funeral. I was glad I had an outstanding funeral home for my parents who passed within almost a year of each other. And were buried out of State.
And now the estate... oh my gosh, it's like doing one's incomes taxes... so complex that I tend to set it aside hoping it will go away. And I am getting help from my Elder Law Attorney, I can't image doing it on my own. But yikes the cost of doing the probate this way :P
And now you are dealing with hubby and his medical situations. I know it must had been a shock for everyone when your hubby had a stroke right after having heart surgery. That's not suppose to happen in the grand plan of things. He's probably pretty upset over all of this, too. And that makes it hard for you, too.
Believe me, back when dealing with my folks, there were times I hoped I wouldn't wake up in the morning.... let someone else deal with all this.
Just try to highlight your positive's...Exercise used to be my stress reducer and now I have a torn labrum :(( so I cant enjoy my classes for the next 3 months. I am going to start walking. Learning to change my mindset..thats my intention this month. Good Luck!
I realize you may get positive feedback on this site, but, have you thought about a professional CD that provides positive and reinforcing messages? You can play them at home or in the car. They may provide you with some positivity. I've even heard of people who go to sleep with them playing. It's just a thought of something that might help and I don't think they are that expensive.
The recordings are of a pleasant voice that says things like, "You are a kind and loving person. You are valuable and a great asset to your loved ones." or 'You are capable and brave. "You show much courage and should be very proud of your accomplishments." Just hearing those words may effect our subconscious or that's the theory.