Tips on how to redirect Mom's questions about my deceased father?

gkcgkc, I'm so sorry for all those painful losses. I cannot even imagine. Are you in the states? How much down time do you think would be refreshing? I'm asking because if you can live with a full day (to start with) maybe contact a local church. Often larger churches have care ministries and would be willing to help even if you aren't an attender. Or there are respite services that you can contact, adult day cares, etc. Not sure about your financial situation, but it should be paid for from your mom's funds if possible. In the states we have in-home care agencies. I am using Visiting Angels, which is a national franchise and has been doing it for longer than most. I'm very pleased with the companion care they provide my 2 very elderly aunts in FL.

Also, my MIL with short term memory loss also forgets her husband died and we have to remind her. We tell her the truth of when he died, and that we did tell her. Then we redirect the conversation to something else so she doesn't get mired in it. You could put a picture of your father in a prominent place where she will see it and put a note on it with the dates of his life (Jan XX, 1919-Jan XX, 2020 Rest in Peace, or something to this effect). This may prevent some of the repeating questions. Let us know answers to the other questions so you can get the best suggestions. May you gain peace in your heart as you move through your loss and grief.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. A very difficult topic for you to keep addressing with your mother, who's obviously reliving the event every time you discuss it!! I don't think there's a 'right' answer here, truthfully. Except to say that you really do not want your mother to KEEP reliving her husband's death every time she brings it up, which is what happens when memory loss and/or dementia is involved. Perhaps you can distract her when she brings up the subject? That may not be realistic.........I don't know your mother's specific memory loss situation, so it's hard to say.

Here is a link to an article on the subject:

https://www.samvednacare.com/blog/2017/06/06/what-to-tell-a-loved-one-with-dementia-about-their-friends-and-family-who-have-passed-away/

If you Google "What to tell a loved one with dementia when their spouse died" you will get a variety of pages to come up, each with useful information. You may be able to glean a few tidbits from each one to help you chart out a plan for yourself to deal with your mom.

Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you both can heal from such a huge loss.

I am so sorry for your losses You are not alone in this. My Dad passed away in his sleep five years ago. within a year my dog died and then my son died, Mom started to forget this about a year ago. It is so painful to tell her again, and again, and again that my dad passed. She asked all the questions, all the details and like you accused us of not telling her. I imagine it seemed that way to her. Now she remembers that Dad passed away and she forgot about it. We support her that she can remember that she forgot and it is okay that she forgot. She has faith so is reminded she believes they will be together someday when her God determines it is time. They were married 65 years and of course the grief is intense. I take real deep breaths as I process this and relay information to mom once again. I remain calm and empathetic and try to comfort her best I can. There are so many that have passed that she often goes through a list of who is here and who is not. She often spends time with relatives that have passed. I just accept that is her reality in the moment. I try to help the moments pass and create new happier moments. She will often have "the best afternoon ever" after an episode of grieving. This seems to occur 2:30 to 4 pm most days.

gkcgkc, my only tip is to play along by living in your Mom's reality and tell her white lies when she asks about your father, brother or anyone else who is deceased, or who chooses not visit her.  After explaining to my dad, who was in his 90s, dozens of times that his parents, my mother, and some of his brothers and sisters were dead (we even visited many of their graves), I finally realized that such explanations and visits were not useful.  So, during my dad's last couple of years, when he would ask about them, I'd tell him that they were shopping or visiting someone else and that, no, we couldn't go see them right now because it was too late and/or all I had was a bicycle today, but that we could go "home" to see them in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hearty breakfast.  Such white lies almost always worked, but when they didn't, I would walk the memory care halls with him to "help" find an exit.  In my case it may have helped that my dad often/usually thought I was his dad, so he may have been more compliant than he otherwise would have been.

Kudos to you for being both your mom's and dad's caregiver.  I know that had to have been exhausting and I can't imagine the effect all your recent losses have had on you. I hope you're able to find a way to get the down time that you surely must need.  If either your dad or mom was a veteran, the VA may be able to provide some assistance and Medicare also provides a few days of respite care to give caregivers some rest. Best wishes.

The LO for whom I care at present also swings between periods of remembering and not remembering. I have developed the habit of using unfocused comments like,

”I haven’t heard from ( person’s name) in a while. I’ll try to contact (——) when I get home.”

”We thought (———-) had told you”.

”They (unspecified) said they thought you knew”.

“He had an appointment”. “He went to check on Uncle ....”

Plausible, non specific, open ended, comforting.

Please don’t put yourself through “explaining” to her. That’s not fair to you. If she “accuses” you of anything, her accusations shouldn’t impact on you, since they come from her partial comprehension of information that is too complex for her to really interpret correctly. Know when this happens that the comments toward you come from her confusion.

So painful for all concerned, but part of the tragedy of dementia for many of us.

The memories and volital nature is something we deal with daily. I agree going thru this over and over every day just sucks the life right out of a person. We tell MIL of dads passing at leat 50 times a day, sometimes she responds that he is in heaven waiting on her and other times responding o well it has not been long enough not to cry and she will start crying -5 minutes later like nothing happened.....