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Hi all, I’m 19 yrs old and currently live with my mom dad grandma and dog in a relatively small apartment. Ever since I’ve been born, my grandma was truly the only one who I could connect to and the only one who I truly felt cared from. I’ve always had a negative relationship with my mom and dad which I won’t delve into here as it’s unrelated to my grandmothers dementia. Ever since 2016 when my grandpa died, my father became a gambling addict and decided to take my mom back after their 3 month long divorce. Since 2018, my grandma has developed signs of dementia gradually. It has exponentially gotten worse since 2020. My father insists on keeping her in the home although she sadly interferes with everyone’s quality of life in the home including his own. He works nights and she always wakes him up multiple times throughout the day. He expects me to baby sit her in the mornings, although I have other responsibilities such as flight school, my gf, my social life, school, a business I’m trying to start up. Every once in a while he completely lashes out at me telling me I don’t do anything although I am the only person home during weekdays to do so. For example, yesterday I was awaken at 9am with him throwing my computer monitor on the floor because “I don’t make time for his mom” and told to move out within 24 hrs if I do not like his “lifestyle”. He later did apologize to me and I did feel as if it was genuine, but I still just do not believe this is fair to me. My grandmother also interrupts my moms sleep at night when he is at work, but he never lashes out on her for being at work 5 days a week and not being able to care for his mom. All of this just makes me feel resentment towards my grandmother which is truly sad to me as she was the only one there for me throughout my childhood and none of this is her fault. I just want to hear some tips of how to deal with all of this until I’m in a financial place to move out. Thank you

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WOW you need to high tail it out of there! Dad has anger issues and just like a drug addict he will apologize after each time he get mad at you! How many computer monitors are you going to go through before you leave?
Leave but come and visit Grandma, visit Dad, visit Mom but get out and come back on your own terms. Love your family.
Finish school - this is important.
Love yourself.
At nineteen its very hard to say no, not now - but you need to do this!
Being here and expressing your need is the first step.
Blessings to you.
It will be a challenge you can do this.
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Your parents make their own decisions in their lives. You’re old enough now to be doing the same thing.

Are they paying for your flight school and feel like you owe them your services regarding caring for your grandmother?

I would move out of the family home and pay my own way to go to school if your parents are expecting too much from you.

Get a job if you don’t have one now. Look for roommates.

There was a time in my life that I had to have three roommates in order to pay for my expenses at school and my share of the rent.

Trust me, the sacrifice of not living at home rent free, home cooked meals, a washer and dryer over going to a laundromat, etc is well worth it!

I was fortunate to have good friends who needed another roommate and I jumped at the chance to move out of my house when I was young.

I was inexperienced at cooking but I was exceptionally talented at heating up a can of chicken soup! LOL 😆 Just like Joe Cocker sang, (you may be too young to know my musical era) ‘With A Little Help From My Friends.’ We were there for each other and still are.

You may have to work for awhile to save enough money to move out. Get started now!

Best wishes to you. You are too young to be involved with caregiving. I loved my grandmother too but I was not her caregiver. I was her granddaughter.

My neighbor’s son is a private pilot. He loves it. Follow your dreams and live your best life.
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You need to move out ASAP. Get a job, live with roommates, anything you have to do to get out of this situation. Your father is abusive. Throwing your computer monitor on the ground is abusive behavior.

You don't mention your mom in any of this. How is her behavior towards you?

I am sorry your grandmother whom you were so close to has dementia. Your fathers decision to keep her in this small apartment doesn't make sense. Unless he is using grandma's money to support him and mom. Or he feels like putting his mom in a nursing home would be wrong (it's not).

Basically it sounds like your dad and mom want you to be grandma's care giver. It's wrong because you have to do all the work but can't make decisions on grandmas care and if she should be placed in a nursing home. Plus you are 19 and this should not be put on your shoulders.

You have a lot on your plate with school, flight school and trying to start a business. Honestly it would be better for you to get a job at this point and put the business on the back burner if you can so you can move out of this awful situation. If you don't you could wake up 10 or 20 years from now wondering where you life went too. Good luck.

Change is never easy and human beings often stay in bad situations because it is comfortable and familiar, even if it is painful and destructive.
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Your grandmother is your Father's responsibility.
You are 19. It is time to go on to college (I recommend one out of state) or to get a job and get your own place.
Do so and let your father and grandmother know when you will be moving.

It is fine to help them.
It is not fine to throw your own life on your grandmother's funeral pyre.
Your twenties are when you learn to operate your own life for yourself and that decade is full of lessons you need to learn for a quality life.
I wish you a lot of luck.
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helpplzlol Nov 14, 2023
Thank you :) I chose to do flight school instead of college, I’m still 50 hrs short of getting my flight instructor/commercial certificate. That’s why I’m a little stuck on what to do. I also have applied to a few jobs but not have gotten anything back just yet. I’m just stuck in the which “hard” do I pick, live at home for a few more months and deal with this until I get my certificate, or move out get a job and somehow still have enough to pay for the remaining hours towards my certificate
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Is there Lifeline or Crises line phone number where you live?

From there, you may be put in touch with a youth agency or councelling to help assist you plan your next moves.

That may be staying until you finish you studies, or maybe finding some sort of student accomodation. I've seen where young people living in tricky situatuons were supported by phone & txts from youth workers. (Or meeting casually at a cafe). It can be very discreet if needed.

There may be support & services for your Grandmother that your parents don't know about too. But this is your parent's responsibility. I'd stay clear of that for now.

You've heard the flight safety talk about putting your own oxygen on first right?

Work towards a safer environment for yourself first.
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Run. For. Your. Life.

Lots of excellent advice here. Wish someone would have told me the truth back when I was your age. Value yourself, especially when others do not.

I think it’s awesome you’re going to flight school! A college education doesn’t mean what it used to anyway. Avoid predatory student loans, keep a useful job, and stay independent of your family- and spread your wings & fly high…

Makes me think of song lyrics

“God help you, if You Are a Phoenix
And you Dare to Rise Up from the Ash
A Thousand Eyes will Smolder with Jealousy
While You Are Just Flying Past”
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You need to rent a room and get Out of Dodge . You are the target for the dysfunction and it will Only gets worse . Visit grand ma occasionally when Dad is Not home . Why do you think Mom is working 5 days a week . You are being abused and the target of someones anger . Get some therapy , rent a room, save up for a apartment, finish school. Please take care of yourself and enjoy your Life. Grand Ma would want you to do that . She would want you to be Happy and successful in your Life . If you Only Have a few More Months to finish the certificate and can Ignore him That way you will Have a skill and can get a Job . There are other options too . Couch surfing , Youth hostels . Sounds like you are Not sleeping either .
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All the advice to move out seems tone deaf to me in today's economy - where do you all expect an unemployed 19 year old to live?
My thought is to carve out a private space in your parent's home - buy a keyed passage lock for your bedroom and shift all your possessions into it, then spend as little time in the common areas as possible - it's time to transition your position in the home from child to independent adult. Spend your time not in flight school out of the house - looking for part time work? (your father can't possibly object to that, can he?) and limit the use of your "mini apartment" to sleeping and studying.
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AlvaDeer Nov 15, 2023
I expect him to get an education and or a job, and or TWO jobs, cwillie? I was out of the house before my 18th birthday, and that was a loving home. Our economy is full of jobs and educational opportunities. We could say the same about a 30 year old or a 40 year old, right? Time to GET employed. Time to GET an education and a life. Time to start working on that goal, working being key word here. If he needs to stay home for 6 months while he works and saves, fine. But unless he is severely disabled, this economy needs him, and he needs to work and fly the nest and make his own life, whether that is rooming with a few other fellow young ones or not.
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My suggestion, get your ducks in a row. You already have a lot on your plate. I would get your flight hours in first. But that does not mean you can't start looking for a place of your own and a job. Just don't do anything because your mad at the time. Think things thru and have an escape plan.

Your Dad maybe gambling and drinking because of Grandma. He feels he needs to care for her but has no idea how to. Maybe he has regretted taking Mom back. Maybe when he is in a good mood you can tell him grandmom is going to need more and more help as her Dementia progresses. Its OK to place her. Medicaid will pay for her care. Then he can visit her knowing she is safe.
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