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Mom (95) lives w/ sister (72) and her husband (80) for last 40 yrs. Mom is mentally alert but mom and Sis are co-dependents. Mom is first consideration for Sis.
Mom is in a wheelchair, can barely transfer, falls sometimes, some toilet accidents, can't shower, must have meals cooked and served to her, needs meds set-up weekly, has a Fentynal (sp?) patch for pain, can't be left on her own for more than an hour or two.
Sis has help maybe 3 hrs a day along with me driving out twice a week to prep food, meds, and pay bills, about 4 hrs/wk.

Sis's family is sick and tired of this arrangement--everything has to be arranged around MOM. I think it is past-time for a change to a NH. Sis says Mom doesn't need 24 hr. care. I have looked at NH/SNF places in case Sis ends up in the hospital because Mom can't live with me and my family and I'm not moving out to Sis's house to take care of Mom.

Does CA take over with Medi-Cal after she has spent down her limited savings (no other assets)? The NH/SNF I have toured seem to be telling me this--and they do the paperwork. True?

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Oh, funny frequentlierx-we posted at the same time!!! Good nite. :0) get some REST!!!!
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That is awesome jeannegibbs!!! So true. We cannot outrun the reaper.

I amend my previous statement to frequentlierx , he and I have been chatting and he does , in fact, have the correct human anatomy ( NO! Not that kind of chatting!!! Get your minds out of the gutter. ;0) kidding. What I mean is I don't think he is a troll so I apologize. Just another victim to stressed out caregiving.

((( hugs))) to all stressed out caregivers.
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@ jeannegibbs, RE: So I guess I dont get frequentfliertx point

I guess you dont

And I public formal apology to MishkaM :-) Nite all :-) W
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People go to nursing homes to die.
People go to Florida to die.
People go to Arizona to die.
People go to their children's homes to die.
People stay in their homes to die.
People go to hospitals to die.

LOL ... we are all going to die, and we are all going to be somewhere when we do it. The last place we go is where we are going to die, whether we intended it or not.

So I guess I don't get frequentfliertx's point. People go to nursing homes to die. So?
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It's time for Nursing Home. Why do you that they exist?
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Cheryl - If your sister is okay with the arrangement, then let her deal with it. Her family might be sick of it, but are THEY pitching in and giving their mother any help with their grandmother?? Probably not. You can't even apply for medi-cal until her assets are worth less than $2,000. They do some funky calculations with the income also (such as money that your mom pays for medicare & supplement plan premiums are deducted from the income, etc.) - at 95 years old, the fact she isn't on medi-cal yet is commendable really. Once her assets are under that mark, then you can apply for medi-cal, but good luck finding a nursing home that will take her without going through a 3-day stay at the hospital first. That's the general route anyways. Whether or not they have long-term beds available is another hurdle. I disagree completely with W's statement that people are put into nursing homes to die. When a person requires more care than a family member can give, it is SAFER to have them in a nursing home so their multitude of needs can be met. Every person's situation is different, and we are all here for support, so piling on guilt by making such a callous statement is rude and completely oppositional to the spirit of this group...in my opinion. ;)
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Don't feed the troll. Hahahahahahahhahahahahaha I needed that laugh. Thanks trolly!!!! ( like you actually have a c*ck --hahahahahahahhahahahahaha )
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my response was to the post by everlassh and then this other person mishkam jumped in, whoever she is.................................probably another gal who would make me flaccid forever as well, IDK :-) W
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that is correct
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IMO. People IMO IMO IMO !!!! We need to use that phrase more here, IMO. :0)

My great aunt had a much better life in the nursing home than she ever did in her home. And the nursing home she was in was paid for by Medicaid. I worked there as an aide and , yeah, you get some real losers sometimes that have no business being aides. But , man, she loved that place and she was very happy.

My GIL is in an assisted living NH and is loving it. She has a very great social life and is eating better. Well, just recently she has started to slow down but that is not the NH /AL that is because she is 97.

My Grandma did not like the NH. She wanted to live in her own house but she had AD and could not. She would not live with my Mom. Or her brother. She wass not going to be happy anywhere but her house but that was not possible. She was very ill with AD. This nursing home was not great though Mom visited some she did not visit enough, IMO. I was out of state at the time but visited when I could. It was not a great experience.

It is my experience that the residents that get the best care in a NH are the ones whose families visit often. Personally , I would go out of my way to give more attention to the lonely residents that did not have anyone (as an aide) but I noticed that the doctors and nurses seemed to make sure the residents that had concerned family were the ones who got the most attention. HORRIBLE? But human nature? My daughter gets more from her teachers because I am all over them like white on rice. My husband and I both go to the parent teacher conferences and her special Ed teacher scheduales us last because we take so much time ;0). (we love her teacher-half the time we are just swapping funny tales about our girl). When we have IEP meetings-these determine what services my daughter is to get from the school-my husband shows up in a suit and I am full make up. And we divide and conquer. Husband sits by the special Ed. Superintendent and charms him while I get the teacher to write the services I want for my daughter. You do what you gotta do.
So if you all decide to go the NH route you can make it successful. IMO. Just be the squeaky wheel but be the squeaky wheel that is also very kind and appreciative to the all the staff at the nh because you do not want to get on their bad side,

Just some thoughts for you of you and your family decide to go the NH route.
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I guess this is the You're A Horrible Person If Your Elderly Parent Is In A Nursing Home thread.
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I don't think your sister needs your negativity on top of taking care of your mom. Support there decision to keep your mom and be helpful in any way you can. I've been taking care of my 92 year old mom for over 7 years and she will never be in a NH as long as I can help it. No one said it would be easy or without sacrifice but I love my mother and visiting once in awhile isn't a way to know what is really going on in there. Any time my mom has had to be in one for rehab reasons, I never left her alone and good thing I didn't or she'd been gone. My mom can't speak for herself, has cancer and last year was in an auto accident with a neighbor breaking both legs and has heart damage. Bless her heart, she needs me and all the love and reassurance she can only get from her daughter. I bought a mini van and what a pleasure it's been in the last year seeing her happy picking out little things in the dollar store. Yes, she's in a wheelchair so good thing I have the van. I'm not putting her life in someone else's hands ever again. I've witnessed NH care for short periods of time and I'll keep mom with me. I can't think what would be more important than what I'm doing. I feel it's what I'm meant to be doing and accept it. I'd be negative too if were old and helpless in a NH. There most likely afraid and don't need someone walking away as if there teaching them so kind of lesson, they need more love and reassurance and less self absorbed behavior from there children.
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people go to nursing homes to die, that's why they're put there W
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@ reverseroles,
i like your thoughts on NH. for various resons it may become the best option for families and elders but its not always a one way trip to " better " care. if i wanted to duplicate the care my mother recieved in an upscale AL a few years ago i could but id have to steal pills and money from her, feed her non - diabetic meals, jumble her meds and guess at her insulin needs. emotional support wouldnt be an option at any cost..
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Cheryl, I would advice more in home help. Pulling someone out of their home at 95 into a nursing home is like a death sentence. I think you should let them live their life at home, dont we all want that? I have seen too many be neglected in NH's and yes its over 10k a month for minimal care, she will still fall, be depressed and most likely get infections there Why do people think its best, it certainly isnt, at home is best, with help. good luck
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Ah. Well you cannot control what Sis and Mom decide to do, but you certainly are fully in charge of your own decisions. If not dancing to Sis's tune is "troublemaking" then so be it. Help in ways that make sense to you. It is your decision, not your sister's, in what ways you will contribute. It is hers to decide whether/how much she neglects her family.
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Nope not kidding. Mom doesn't seem delusional, yet. Must not be that strong a patch. She does think it is just fine that her daughters take care of her--really doesn't want caregivers there. To Sis, 24/7 means someone is watching Mom breathe. Sis doesn't seem to understand that she IS providing 24/7 care.

I'm the troublemaker because I won't just go along with everything the two of them want.
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i hope that you're not kidding. if ever i have heard of a situation as ripe as this for a nursing home. first of all i was on fentenyl for a long time and a person becomes delusional after a while. very bad stuff. the rest of your problem is self explanetory. stop torturing yourself.
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I just bread where the avg cost of a nursing home went up the past year by $14,000 to over $83,000 a year
as they say in german: zu teuer fur mich
translation: too expensive for me
Im heading out to New Braunfels now. Tschuss Leute! :-) wayne
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I may agree with you that it is past time for a change, but isn't it up to Sis and Mom? (I would say Sis and Brother-in-Law, but that doesn't sound like how it works in that household.)

As far as paying for it goes, yes she will be eligible for Medi-Cal when her assets and income are under the established limits. And yes, nursing homes typically have someone who can help with the paperwork.
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