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I always appreciate the perspectives that this group provides as we all navigate our roles as caregivers. I'm at a decision point with returning my mom to assisted living and could use some advice or a reality check. She's 92 and is generally healthy, but can't be alone for too long. She is a fall risk, so I prepare her meals, do her laundry, and generally keep an eye on things. Dad died in May 2019, and she stayed on in the small, top shelf AL facility where they were together. I made the decision to temporarily bring her home in March when we were unclear on what COVID would bring. I have never been inclined to keep her permanently at home. Caring for my dad with advanced Alzheimer's disease depleted me of my life's supply of caregiver energy, so I don't have much to give. I have been 100% teleworking since March 6, and have had the bandwidth to prepare meals, do laundry, and try to keep her at least somewhat entertained. I got my return to the office email last week, so my spare time will evaporate. I am excited to return to return to work. I love my career and am ready to get started on a new project that was stalled during the lock down. I am 60 years old, so this will probably be my last big project before I retire. I contacted the facility where mom was, and the good news is that her bright, beautiful apartment is being completely renovated and will be even nicer. They have agreed to have her return when it's ready in a few weeks. Although I had hoped to keep her home until January, this seems like a good juncture. The facility is in Phase 2 of a three phased reopening. Residents have resumed activities, group dining, and salon services with distancing guidelines. They are allowing residents to socialize, but external guests are still limited to the library or patio by appointment. Residents can leave for medical or dental appointments. By comparison, it's only my spouse and me at home, no kids, and very little activity in the house. I work all day, and then try to get some exercise and relax a little before bed. I'm inclined to make the move. Thoughts?

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Your parents made a decision to go into an ALF in the past.

If I understand it correctly, that was a good decision and you only removed her due to possible Covid problems.

So, in keeping with that course of action, I would want to know if they have had Covid cases with residents or staff and then if they have had, how they handled it or what their plans are should someone test positive. I’m sure you probably know that. Just following the logic. Checking those boxes.

Then I would be concerned about how your geographic area is faring with Covid. Of course, all could change, but as others have said, your going back to work brings an element of risk in as well.

Should things heat up on the Covid front, you can always change your mind.

I think I would tell mom “Our break is over. Things are returning to a bit of normalcy. I’m being called back into the office and lucky for you, your home has been refreshed while you were away”

Then make sure you have deliveries set up as needed if needed or be prepared to sign on additional services as she and you adjust to the move.

You have had an unexpected opportunity to have your mom with you for a few months. I’m glad it’s worked out for both of you.

And remember that we are all Aging and there is no way you can prevent her from continuing to decline. Don’t rush to condemn yourself if it takes her a minute to adjust. It will probably take you a minute as well as you become readjusted to your inoffice work routine.

Be sure to let us know how it goes. We learn from one another.
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notsomuch Sep 2020
Thank you, thank you, thank you. What a thoughtful response. We were fortunate enough to have chosen a great fit for an AL facility that mom enjoyed. She has kept in touch with her friends there and is not sorry to return. As you said, it may take her some time to adjust, but in the end this is the right move. Good reminder about the deliveries. I have on my list to ask about additional services. Mom knows all of the adjunct caregivers there and has a few favorites when we need to move up in care levels. Thanks again!
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Talk about perfect timing. It sounds as if you two have had a wonderful opportunity to bond as adults for a few months and now it is time for you both to assume your regular but still intertwined lives.
And when you return to your work site you will not have the time to truly engage her. You both like the facility that she chose years ago so this is going to work for both of you!
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Let go of any guilt over moving her back. You are one of the few lucky ones to have things working out perfectly for both your mom and for you. The Assisted Living facility now has experience in handling the pandemic so she is probably no less safe there than in your home, especially now that you will be out each day on your return to work. She will have assistance and company during all hours - day and night - when you would be unable to provide company and help. You can go back to work and enjoy your return to some semblance of normalcy knowing that you did a great job keeping your family and your mother safe. Good for you! Everyone's a winner with this move.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"jkm999,"

I had thought the same thing as far as her mom not being any less safe in the ALF than in "notsomuch's" home now that she'll be back in the office environment.

Well said on every point!
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Yes, move her back. The best part of AL for my mother was seeing her engaged in activities with the other residents. Some days it was like the cool girls table in high school but at least it kept her busy! When she was at home or staying with me her chief activity was sitting in front of the TV napping.
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notsomuch Sep 2020
Yes. We used to laugh about the lunch table. My mom had two friends in AL, one who was just a precious little old lady who loved everyone and one who was just mean as a snake. The nurses used to call the table the Mean Girls because of the mean one :-)
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It's OK to be normal again.
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DILKimba Sep 2020
Amen!!!
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Ive told my daughter that as much as i love her when the time comes i want to live in assisted living ... thats why im buying insurance.

i have no interest staying alone with nothing to do during the day when i could be living in a pretty facility with meals fixed/room cleaned/activities.

maybe your mom misses the facility but doesnt want to hurt your feelings ?
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
We need more moms like you! You sound fun and interesting. Best wishes.
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Not sure what is holding you back from what sounds like a good idea.
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notsomuch Sep 2020
Maybe Just a little guilt that if I tried harder I could manage...
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It’s ok to let go. It’s best for both of you and darn you got lucky timing.

you might want to run out and buy a lottery ticket 😂
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notsomuch Sep 2020
I really need to pinch myself. We had to wait to get in during their initial admission there. I need to wrap this up before something happens to jinx us!
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I think you should do it. She was happy there, has friends, it will be a familiar environment. Sounds like the AL is doing a good job of managing social distancing and visits. You will be able to visit. I’d say GO FOR IT! We never brought my in-laws home and their center has been exemplary in managing the virus. They are not all gloom and doom. Unfortunately due to fear, many centers may have to close down due to people pulling out. Then when people decide it’s safe, spots will be harder to come by and much more expensive.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
Dear "DILKimba,"

The last part you wrote about centers may have to close down... is a very scary thought for everyone who has loved ones in facilities. If that does end up happening, I feel terrible for both the loved one and their family member(s)!
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As you said, this was a temporary thing because of the virus. Seems to me this is a good time to take her "home". The place is familiar to her. And you need to get back to work and have your life back.
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notsomuch Sep 2020
Yes. I just can't do the caregiver thing forever. Trying to care for my dad with Alzheimer's disease exhausted me. I'm glad I did it, but that's all I had in me. She loved the apartment and has "muscle memory" for steps to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. It became home to her.
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