For those who became estranged from their siblings because of lack of help for parents, how is your relationship now?

In my younger years I could hardly say I was empathic person Later in my golden years I discovered that in order to feel empathy you first must practice it.
Ive spent several years visiting veterans living in NH.It gave me a strong sense of empathy to act on when needed
Today most peoples problems in self absorption lye in a failure to develop what Dr.Low calls a total personality.While no one are saints,sinners or martyrs we must always seek the greater good.over our self importance.
My family while far from perfect has stuck it out.No divorces yet,lol
Another point to remember while we may dislike behavior of some family we can never divorce them.Once a brother or sister always a brother sister.
So never give up persuading those weaker there is redemption.
Peace is the purpose of life.To make ourselves and those around us peaceful."
Dr.Abraham Low founder of Recovery Inc.in 1937 and author of

My story is nowhere near as sad and bitter as others' here, but we three were never denied a thing by our parents and yet only one of us became actual caretaker to them both. At the passing of my father, the worst of us cut short his funeral visit saying his boss needed him, did nothing to help thereafter, and later dismissed the years-long demise of my mother with "she was falling apart anyway" while kicking in hardly a dime or a day of his time working on their problems or their subsequent estates, leaving me to divvy it up (fairly) while dismissing my monetary losses. The other brother became too ill to help but did, when he could. Now I am caretaker to him whom the other hasn't visited in 15 years. He accuses me of toxicity for protesting his selfishness, and has cut me off. Good! I remember my dad's sisters sued my dad for his inheritance after abandoning their father too. And so it goes, on and on, with no one learning to be fair, generation after generation.

My brother sued our father when he revoked his POA (we had dual POA) due to my brother selling off Daddy's stock and taking over $70,000 of his money without Daddy's permission. He bought a brand new truck and boat. My brother had the gall to file a complaint against me with Adult Protective Services for stealing from Daddy. Their investigation found no proof of me stealing and they opened it up on him and, of course, found proof of his use of Daddy's funds for his own benefit.
In the meantime, the lawsuit dragged on and cost Daddy hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It was a big mess.
My brother did many other things to make our lives miserable. Fortunately he did not understand Texas criminal and civil law like I did and I just worked each problem as they popped up.
It was a rough road we traveled, and as much as I would like to have a good sibling relationship with him, he cannot be trusted.
I made sure that my brother was treated well at the funeral and had the flag presented to him.
We took he and his family out to lunch after the funeral and had a nice time.
Then, about a month or so after the funeral he demanded by text to know all of the deposits made into Daddy's account for the last six months. Not the expenses, just the deposits.
I answered that I would be happy to answer all questions to the Executor (a third party entity because I refused the position).
He apparently sent an email to the Executor that worried them so much that they further refused to act as Executor.
He has always had the reputation of being a bully. He will not change.
Maybe in the future my young niece will wish a reconnection. That is my hope.

Just because my brother couldn't help with the out-of-state caregiving for our late mother, does not mean he does not love me. He does!💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

I have but one motto in life - do unto others as you’d like them to do for you in those same circumstances.

Yes it was hard struggling alone with “morale support via phone” occasionally. Yes it was difficult when they “helped” by ordering a different door instead of same type replacement when police broke down original. Dad couldn’t understand how to open the door and frequently locked it from inside unwittingly making great fun for getting in to him!

If I were to think about it - I could come up with lots of such issues. But my parents are at rest now. My sibling has their share of the money. I’m not going to waste one second in negativity. I did what I could and because I felt it was right to. God deals with anything else - not me. I’m enjoying the memories of making my parents laugh or smile despite pain, dementia etc.

I harbored a lot of anger toward my uncle for a long time because he has refused to pay toward my grandmother's care. But now I realize that I am blessed to have a husband who will pay for my grandmother's care, and I focus on that instead. I sometimes go a week without thinking about my uncle and all his children at all. My mother has the job of having to care for my grandmother, and my husband sends the check. My only solace is that maybe one day my uncle and his children will have a reckoning. If not, that's ok too. We did the right thing, and that's all that matters.

I posted earlier about my big brother acting on his guilt and money issues and being a pain right now as my mother is dying. We all have our individual levels of disfunction, but as a family, we pretty much work. So I'm sure we'll work this out eventually. I think what becomes of a family that's torn apart by a member's bad behavior depends on the ability of the offended to tell the offender exactly what their words and actions did and how they made the offended feel. It also helps if the offender realizes he or she was an asshat. Write a letter. Be specific. If the sibling is such a narcissist that he or she won't read it or will make fun of you, don't even send it. Writing it down is freeing. You might get an apology. Or you might forgive without one...

I have a brother (I hate using that term for him) who meddled so much when my wife and I were looking after my elderly mother (severe dementia). He caused more problems for me (lawyers) that I could never forgive him. I haven't spoke to him in five years and don't miss him at all.Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Long story short, I have not had a conversation with either of my siblings who controlled everything but actually caring for my parents! They lived in other States!! My Mom and Dad were. Totally dependent on me! I did it for 10 years! No contact and probably never will!!

What Siblings....
my four sisters decided to turn their back on the very people who brought them into this world, who loved them, and was always there for them, never letting them down either.
BUT when the shoe was on the other foot, they were no where to be found. Not a call, no drop by, not even a card was sent. they made it clear to me that they were to busy with their own lives to
find the time to chip in at all. They were so busy that not one of them and or their children came to my parents wake and or funeral.
disrespectful to say the least.
but guess who called the day after my parents were buried wanting to know what was in my parents will and what they would get.
I had the pleasure to tell them "NOTHING" just like you gave them and hung up never to speak again.
in my book this is so disrespectful and so unforgiving. I don't see it any other way.
I had four sister in my life at one time. I now have four ex-sisters whom I will never forgive or forget the pain they added to my parents on there death bed.....

Going on five years of not speaking to my brother. He sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday a year ago. At the time I did not know who it was, then when I figured it out, I tried to reach out to him to ask for help with mom. Both my older brother and I work 10 hour days, and pay for the care mom gets when we cannot be with her, and are there with her in the evenings and days off. We just wanted some help... However, received no response, so I guess no response is a response. You grow up with these people your whole life and think you know them, and they turn out to be someone you never knew... I have mourned his loss long ago and moved on. When it comes time for the Lord to come for mother, nothing will change. He was not there when she was alive, don't need him when she is gone.

As one person answered, holding on to all those negative emotuins againat the "absent" sib(s) hurts you, not them...but it doesn't mean you have to become best buds and that their actions were ok.
Your sib(s) actions demonstrate the lack of love and respect for the parent(s) also, which to me is the biggest offence. These people who gave them life, housed, fed and clothed them, loved them....are being tossed aside because their "usefullness" is gone. These sibs have lost more than they can ever fathom. I pity them...and wonder what will happen to them when they need what they would not provide.

I’m involved in both my elderly parents care. They do pay me some but certainly not the equivalent to having home care but I’m fine with that. My siblings know I get paid so that gives them the silent excuse not to be more present for my parents. I find this sad but refuse to dwell on it. It certainly has changed my view on those that choose to be absent. Thankfully I have a decent relationship with my parents but caring for them can get overwhelming.

I'm dealing with this now since this year will be the first holidays I don't spend with my sisters. I was primary caregiver for Alzheimer mom for six years until I couldn't handle her anymore and she was placed in a home. I gave up my home to move in with my mom to help when we first notice the memory problems getting out of hand. I was assured by my three sisters that this would be very hard, but they would help. One month later when we had the first family meeting after I had time to truly access mom's situation, I was told that I wasn't doing anything more then the rest of them who lived ten blocks away and were never around. The whole thing got more and more abusive because they had all the control over mom's finances, and I was stuck with all the care. I had a very caring boyfriend at the time who came by three or four times a week and spent countless hours listening to mom and helping me clean out the hoarding mess Mom had let the house become. He did so much yard work and handyman repairs. He was an electrician and updated all the unsafe electricity in the old house for free. He was an angel. All my sisters cared about was if he was taking a shower there. If so, he needed to pay part of the water bill. OMG!!!! If my sisters were so worried about having this "strange man" in mom's house, then why didn't they send their own husbands over to help with the handyman stuff and give us the weekend off? Fast forward to now with my mom in the old age home for a year now. My sisters have reinvented the past and according to them, they were at mom's house on a daily basis. According to them, I was using mom for free rent and lived like a twenty-year old with my boyfriend. I really regret not documenting everything I did on social media. My sisters have perfect fake lives on Facebook. All the extended family believes my sisters or don't want to get involved. I am 56 and feel very alone in the world. My boyfriend and I eventually broke up due to the strain of the caregiving and my grief. As a kid, I always thought selfish, mean people like Scrooge ended up spending holidays alone. I had no idea that the givers could end up alone. My sisters invite me to their holidays but it's understood that I have to be quiet and play the game of the perfect family and how they are wonderful and did their part. I am choosing to walk away from the role of family scapegoat. I know/hope next year will be better because I am rebuilding my life with love and self-caring. The main hard thing for me is the anxiety attacks I get when I go to visit mom in the old age home in case I run into one of them. I feel sick to my stomach in their presence. Also, I am not sure how to stay in contact with extended family or with my sisters' kids. They have fed the kids lies so they all think I am an unstable aunt. And, if I continue contact, I probably will be! Thanks for letting me vent a little.

after my mom passed I moved Dad into my house. I chose for the sake of my Dads relationship with my siblings just to let it all go. Letting go of this stress was well worth it for me.

The youngest of five siblings, I was essentially dismissed from my family at age nineteen. Not for any particular reasons, just that I was never really liked all that much by my parents, and once I was raised, that was it. My sibs, who enjoyed their favor, and stayed within a ten mile radius were treated with generosity. (Given I wasn't liked, I moved 400 miles away, and was not treated similarly.)

Fast forward forty years, (twenty of those years in which I stayed away entirely), guess who is the main caregiver of my physically and mentally failing parents?

My sibs are varying degrees of helpful in my parents' care, but if one was measuring in fahrenheit, it's a tad chilly. Given the generosity with which they were treated over the years, their varying levels of assistance and their subsequent reaction to tasks required of them has been eye-opening. (Geez, welcome to my daily existence, don latex gloves and shut up already.)

When my folks are gone, my contact with the sibs will be minimal. They're mostly reasonable, decent, and certainly much better than many siblings people have been describing. But that being said, I also realize with certainty that we have little in common beyond blood. By my standards they are rather self-involved and not people with whom I wish frequent interaction.

Holidays will be adequate.

This has been an interesting string. I am the oldest of a large and seriously disfunctional family. When I was a kid I ended up doing a lot of "babysitting", housecleaning and too many chores not appropriate for a small child. I think of myself as "pseudo" mommy. And guess what? My siblings think I was/am bossy, judgmental, whatever. Shift to now. I moved into a house with my parents. I took care of them for 11 years, not medical, but cooking, cleaning, helping to picking them up off the floor, Dr. visits, etc. I got some help, but not much, from sibs. And why? I'm still bossy! All those old ideas that grew up when we were little became reasons why it was OK if I did it all now. Eventually my Dad passed away and I became convinced that Mother would be better in AL. Ironically one of my not very helpful sibs lived locally and I moved back to where I had lived before and left her with Mother in AL. Taking care of her in AL is nothing like running a house w/ 2 elderly people but there is a certain amount
of shopping and Dr. visits. In the several years since I have moved back to my former home I've thought a lot about the various sibs. Some were and are grateful that I was willing to care for the folks. Some still think I'm "bossy" and won't answer emails. For a while I had a mantra that went like this: I'm an Only Child.
I will say that caring for my folks gave me a chance to come to terms with my really poor childhood. And that was a good thing. And now that my Mother is seriously demented she is happy, really happy, for the first time since I was a kid. An odd thing, but it makes me happy that she is finally happy.

BetseyP

I do not plan on having any meaningful relationship with my two living brothers once my 85 year old mother is no longer with us. I take her to all doctor appointments, do most meal planning and preparation, figure out who will do home repairs and when, tote her to my house on holidays, etc, She is still mentally sharp and can take care of her household bills. She is careful with money. About five years ago she planned and paid for her own funeral (bless her heart). She still drives but I doubt that can go on much longer. She pays a housekeeper to come in once a month or so. I have an individual in mind to help out during the day once that need arises. I still work full time and stay with her during the week, and travel to my out of town home most weekends. She has friends who sometimes take her out for lunch.

My youngest brother is absent because of trouble with the law, although he would take money from her if she would allow it. The other one is little help (but is her favorite and her POA for health care and executor of her estate). He and his wife are caring for HER father, but spend very little time with my mother.

So, no, my resentments about their lack of help are how it is for me and I don't feel guilty about it.

I posted this in April 2018:

“For the past 14 years I have dealt with a sibling who thinks that my parent's problems are mine because I live closer. I've had to deal exclusively with my father's dementia and other medical problems until he died and am now doing the same for my mother (minus dementia). He only lives about 250 miles away but only comes to town on holidays and special times like Mother's Day, etc. I was expected to visit with him when he decided to show up and act like nothing was wrong, which I did for a long time. I became very angry about his non involvement and had it out with him a couple of times to no avail. He thinks it's my attitude and not his fault. About four years ago I had it and decided I was going to break relations with him. In my opinion, he can come see my mother at her assisted living facility (on his semi-annual visit), call her on the phone, or whatever. Just leave me out of it. I continue to handle my mother's medical, financial, and emotional needs without having to deal with the additional stress of dealing with him...”

So, the question is, “How is your relationship now.” My answer, “no change”. My mother (age 96) has had a couple of crises since my previous post and I would advise him via text message about her status but as briefly as possible. He continues to make nightly courtesy calls to my mother at her assisted living facility and talks mainly about himself and politics. He averages two visits per year to see her, stays about four hours, and heads back home. So, I am content not to have to see him or deal with him when he does come to town. My mother continues to defend his non-involvement which I understand because she and he are a lot alike. So, I continue to do what I think is right in regards to my mother’s welfare. I see no grand reconciliation with him in the future whenever my mother has passed on.

So glad to know I have plenty of company in having a sibling and no relationship other than nasty. I've been pondering the promoted "Christian" idea of forgiveness, but it just doesn't work for me. A better word to describe my emotional resolve is being complete. It isn't going to get better. She will never accommodate or even let me participate in family gatherings, and no amount of kindness, care or consideration will change her stance. There is nothing to forgive, but I can finally accept that it is what it is and be complete about it.

My younger brother was reared to be a narcissist, exactly like our mother, and continues to truly believe he is a golden child, never did/does anything wrong, and entitled to everything he desires. He's 64 now. I, as the oldest of the two being reared together (the older half-brother by our dad, was grown when we were born), was reared to be responsible, dutiful, respectful, and to understand I was nothing, unlovable, and undeserving of anything; total opposites. I honestly was never jealous, but couldn't understand the difference. I've had years to understand the reasoning and how it all came about, but my brother is not a person anyone would enjoy spending time with. He was physically abusive when we were young, and did several things that could have hurt me permanently. By the time I was 12 I had learned it did no good to report to my mother. Bro. wants to marry someone who will treat him as our mother did, but is unable to find a woman who will put up with his need to dominate and bully.

Bro. would not do anything for our dad after he suffered a serious stroke unless he was paid. During the eleven years dad lived post stroke I took care of him. He was able to continue living in his own home for five years after the stroke, moved to AL for four years, then NH for the remaining 22 months. During the years bro. had himself named conservator, which I did not contest, never dreaming he would proceed to sell off everything he could lay hands on, pocketing the money. He criticized everything I did, but never helped. In eleven years he prepared dad's meds once when I had the flu, only to double dose him on some of the them. Luckily dad suffered no ill effects. Bro. even managed to cash in a $6,000 CD (certificate of deposit) my dad and I owned jointly, and tried to force me out of my house b/c my dad's name was still on the mortgage at that point. A judge decided I needed to re-finance my home to remove my dad's name from the mortgage. Guess who pocketed the difference in my re-finance? By the judge's decision it was supposed to be a refund to our dad for his part of the mortgage.

Thankfully, our half-brother treats me like gold, and we get along perfectly. He was not involved in the care of our dad for various reasons, and truly did not need to be, but he and the younger brother are also estranged b/c the younger bro. told us all (all family members) many years ago we were not good enough for him.

When my mom decided to sell her house she moved into my bro.'s home, which she previously owned, but had signed over to him years before. I'm sure she finally saw the attitude she had created in my bro., but would never admit it. I'm afraid he abused her too, but again, my mother would never have turned him in.

After all this and more, why would I desire to expose myself to such a poor excuse for a brother and son? I chose to forgive him, but stay away for my own safety.

This one may top all. My situation a bit diffirent as my parents are still living, 98 and 100. Not only have I worked the past five years taking care of two elder parents, my brother sued me to get more of the trust! It got real ugly and expensive. I tried offering professional family mediation several times before, but he ignored the idea. Actually some positive things came out of, but more legal work to do. I now keep a daily RECORD of everything I do for the folks. I now get paid monthly by the trust. I contacted the local county senior abuse authority (for abusing me). So this is on record. My brother and his obnoxious wife have been told not to pop in without a notice. still, I can't believe my own brother did this. So how will our relationship be after the demise of the parents? I don't expect to ever talk to him again.

There is no relationship! I could say so much about this but it doesn’t help me get past the way they have treated me!

I never hear from my brother. No text, no call, no contact at all

nor do I make any effort to contact him.

its been almost 3 years.

I am quite happy to leave it be....soon to become ancient history.

It’s been 4 years since the last parent passed, and 3 since my only sibling and I “divorced”. At the time of our parents’ deaths 14 months apart, I was the full-time caregiver for both who were in late-stage cancers. I moved them into my home and cared for them while mom passed, them dad, while working full-time. I am single, and though it was crazy challenging-over whelming at times, it was also the richest, most rewarding time of my life. Brother and SIL live in the same city and both even work at the hospital where they were treated. They were of some help while mom was alive, but not at all once mom passed away. As soon as she went into hospice in the last 3 weeks of her life, they went into full-monster mode! They hired a lawyer to re-draft all of the parents’ paperwork-will, POAs, beneficiary deeds. This was not necessary, though it did enable my brother some advantages of which we were unaware at the time. Also they accused me of not repaying a loan 15 years earlier (I had, but had moved several times since, and been through a divorce and did not have records that would satisfy them, as if I needed to!)
After mom passed, dad had me contact another lawyer to make the necessary corrections to his will, and other documents, spending more good money after bad. This put a target on my back, because I’m sure that my brother and his wife thought I was behind it all so I could steal from him. ( they did not know that I was supporting him myself after mom died).
After dad passed, things only got worse. Dad made me the sole executor. I went out of my way to be more than fair, expecting the vilification that was certain to come.
When it came time to divvy up dad’s estate, the claws really came out, and it was a nightmare. My SIL was the greedy one behind it all; my brother had been rendered useless by her narcissistic demands decades ago, so it was whatever she wants, and she was our for blood to get all she could from my parents’s estate, no matter what.
In the end, lawyers, delays, accusations, etc. destroyed any chance for my brother and I to have a relationship. I’ve moved on—I did not come away with even half what my parents’ wished for each of us, but I have memories, self-respect, respect from others, and my head held high. I miss my brother terribly, and wish there was a way forward but realistically, not while his wife is alive. I hold out hope, but do not hold my breath.
Knowing what I know from having gone through all of that, I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but I’d be a lot more aggressive in protecting my interests and not be trusting that the people I’d known for years, trusted as my siblings, would have my interests at heart.

This is not for you to fix, but you might consider some kind of low risk way to reach out to them like sending a card or a holiday letter. It would come from both of you. That's pretty much why I send any Christmas cards these days.

Tread lightly when it comes to your DH's relationships with siblings.

Be supportive of your DH, but not judgemental - sometimes "old wounds" are reopened when a sibling isn't doing their "fair share" of caregiving. You really don't need to mess with DH's sibling rivalries/histories.

You surely don't need to carry the blame if you push him and things turn sour.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this after all you have been through.  In answer to your question, I'm sorry to say we have a lot in common.  It will be the one year anniversary of my beloved mom's passing this Christmas day.  My sister and I have been helping my father daily while our brother has done basically nothing to assist.  We clean our dad's house, make him food, run errands for him, take him out, pay his bills, spend quality time with him almost daily.  My brother always has some excuse.  When my mom was in hospice my brother promised me that he would stay with her in the hospital one night and then I would stay the next night and so on so we could take turns as it was so much for one person to do.  Needless to say, he spent NO nights there and I spent 14 nights and days in the hospital with her (which I don't regret at all! It was my mom and I would do anything for her).  The point is there is nothing you can do to change people.  Your husband did the best he could and karma will come around.  People do the best they can with what they have.  If others don't do that, the burden is on them; not you.  :)

This is a tough one, like a lot of others have said, this forum has been a saving grace, just to read that I am not alone, others are going through the same emotions and issues I am. I am the oldest of 3 - I have 2 brothers. Mom was moved to a nursing home in March of 2017 - she had a stroke 17 years ago that left her partially paralyzed & in a wheelchair. I did everything I could for her in those years. She has dementia and we had Visiting Nurses come in to get her up, bathe & dress her, but it got to be too much. One of my brothers lived with her, I have to give him a lot of credit, he took her to all of her appointments, handled her meds, made sure she ate, etc..... I was present every day to help, but my other brother ( the favorite) was never present.... I made him go with me to visit the nursing home before making any decisions, but that has been about it. He does not go visit her & he never asks about her. He stopped coming for the holidays too. I have reached out several times to inquire what the issue is, but no reply. It has hurt me & my family, I always hosted the holidays (at least 3 a year), and I never see my niece & nephew. It is hard, but he has made his choices, I continue to go see mom & be her advocate. Neither brother go visit mom anymore.... : (

My mother is starving to death in hospice right now; she has no appetite, specified no feeding tube or heroic measures, and doesn't ingest more than a couple hundred calories a day, spoonful by spoonful. My older brother, who doesn't live with my younger brother and me, has suddenly become the perfect son. He visits every day, and calls us when we go more than 2 days without seeing her. (I was sick for a week; it completely destroyed his planned lecture.) Turns out his job has changed into something still high-paying but requiring none of his skills and demanding no focus at all. They're trying to bore him into quitting or retiring. So he's money-focussed and real estate focussed, and trying to plan the rest of our lives while we're still kind of shocked that our mother went from healthy, mobile, but occasionally forgetting her own sister (the one constant memory) to a bedridden women in less than a month. She can't even speak in a way we understand anymore. So I understand his financial worries, but I wish he'd shut up for a couple weeks. It looks like we'll sell the house, but we need to do a bit of work on it. It remains to be seen how big bro behaves in the next few weeks and months. He did stop threatening to evict us.