For those who became estranged from their siblings because of lack of help for parents, how is your relationship now?

I had to completely cut my last surviving sibling off and once I did my life has become so peaceful despite she is still trying to fight me over petty stuff which is now in the hands of the courts. My mother passed away unexpectedly. I have a selfish sister that milked my mother dry with her bank account. After my mom passed, never saw her maybe once a year Christmas she would stop by.. My father who was 87, when my mother died, died last year 5 years after my mom. My father needed full time around the clock caregiving his last year. I was exhausted raising my 3 son's as a single mom all while at night caring for my father. He was moved to home hospice. I asked my sister to please come see our father and if she could help. She never showed up. After my father's death, she only wanted to know what she was left and where is the money from a reverse mortgage. She was so hateful, she accused me of stealing from my father. If she had been around she would know that he had no money. All money he had went to keeping up his home and his caregiver when I was not with him. My sister was so hateful she tried to stop his probate with ridiculous claims. She did nothing to help with anything.. nor with my mom when she was taking care of my dad, which resulted in my mom's unexpected passing. Since my father died, I no longer have a sister. I know I tried to get her to stop with her fake charges and accusations against me. She was threatening me to the point I had to take a restraining order out on her so that she would never step foot on my property. I was sad at first because so many knew we were estranged at the funeral and they had hoped we would find a way to work through our differences. I had to decide for my peace of mind, to walk away. We were never close and all she wanted was money from me and my parents. As much as I felt like an orphan, I am thankful that I have friends who are like my family. I was very generous and kind to my sister when my father was living even though with his dementia he could see how evil she was because she ended up forging checks of his and stealing the little money he had. It saddens me to see that so many families get pulled apart by not honoring their parents. My ungrateful sister, did NOTHING to help my parents but felt entitled to take everything from them that she could get once she did come around. I am in a happy place. When I run into people that ask me about her, I kindly say Who? That is how my relationship is now.. non existence.

My take on this is a little different. My brother has always been there for me. He helped me out financially years ago and never expected money back in return. His son died at the age of 21 in 2003. He has been seeing a psychologist since then. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with my mother with all her nuttiness and everything. My mother always treated my sister n law like shit, so I don’t blame him for only seeing her once a year. He is a healthy person. Years ago my mother was as going to leave me everything in her will. I told her to split it with my brother. She said no. So I said I don’t want your money. Give it to my kids. So she did. The will states my 2 kids as the beneficiary. My mother is not going to ruin my relationship with my brother.

I have read this question about a thousand times. My parents are still alive.
There is no relationship with my sibling. Sibling let me know they couldn't help anymore and went on a vacation during house clean out and hasn't been back. I do not ask for their help because this person does not help. Yes, it is hard to accept because sibling is a PA and could help with doctors and medical decisions but sibling told me they weren't going to help and after asking at least a 1000x for help and getting nothing I don't ask anymore and have no contact. I am not anticipating any involvement from any extended family because there are very few family relationships left. It is sad that these people drive past the ALF almost everyday and never stop to visit or call my parents. I guess some people consider them to be dead. My parents are not the easiest to be around and many times I have to honor myself and leave when they get mean. My husband is very loving and supportive and I could not do this with out him.

Am I deaf, dumb and blind? When you go through life, do you choose to put yourself in bad situations and then stay there when you are being destroyed and horribly impacted or do you do something about it? What difference does it make who or what - you don't deserve to be in that position. When all has been tried and nothing goes right, then you have to make up your mind that you are worth it and have the right to a peaceful and happy life. If that means leaving the who or what, then do it - never look back. Make a new life - and you will - and you will be happier. No one deserves this treatment.

There is no relationship at all and I will never ever speak to them again. four sisters and each one said they were to busy to help me out with parents. I was told by each one of them when I called them asking for a few hours a week help with parents "we have our own lives and families and just don't have the time to help. call me once they die and well see if we can make the wake and funeral."
that was the topping on the cake for me.
first my dad died, than three weeks my mom passed. it was hard. very hard taking care of two people who couldn't feed themselves, wore diapers, dementia and many other health issues.. they both died in my arms.
no sisters came to the wake and or funeral but guess what? the next day after we buried my mom one of my sisters called my moms house and asked me what my parents left them in their will , talk about nerve. I said. they did for you what you did for them NOTHING. you got nothing. and I hung up....
my ex sisters never called again and needless to say I will never call them...
to treat your parents as they did after they brought you into this world, loved you and help you through many issues in all of your lives , is in my mind unforgiveable.....
I consider myself the only child...........

Not siblings but aunt and cousin. Cousin made the mistake of saying she'd stay in touch. She used her family reunion and Instant Messaging to accomplish this as to not look bad in the eyes of the Lord. After IM she made it to reunion no contact from her since.

Aunt, haven't heard from her at all, even though mom was always there for her sister.

While I personally have no living family, here is my take on siblings and parents. The parents belonged to all the siblings. In some cases, there are very legitimate reasons why some can't help but others just don't want to and it is straining the relationship among all the siblings. You might not be able to choose who your family members are but you sure can choose what kind of people you want in your life. If your siblings just don't and won't help, what kind of lousy people are they? Why would you want them in your life? If they are not kind and loving and generous and have compassion, etc., walk away and stay around people who are decent. There is no law that says you have to remain family if they are NOT family.

Well, it’s been a few weeks since the passing of my step-father. His bio child (my step-sibling) and I became estranged following my mother’s death... after she made multiple hurtful comments about my caregiving skills when my mom was sick. She never made any overtures to take care of her own father.

Long story short, she came when she found he was comatose, stayed for the funeral... and found out how much money she would get out of the estate. She left the day after the funeral. We will never be close. In fact, we most likely will have no contact. And that’s okay. No one knew who she was at his visitation or the funeral. My siblings, children, and cousins were at both. My work family came for the visitation. The clergy who presided knew me even though my step-father attended a different church. His buddies knew me and my family, because we supplied the refreshments for their game nights and balance watches. I have peace in knowing I cared for him as best I could and tried to keep both church and his contemporaries in his life.

Are there things I would change? Sure. You don’t give long term care without fatigue and missteps entering into the mix. But overall, I think we gave my step-father family, many happy memories, many happy holidays, and a sense of independence. My step-sister chose her own pleasure over being there for her father.

My relationship with my step-sibling ended with my step-father’s death. But I tried to be congenial during the funeral, let her take the lead in planning, and steered away from any unpleasantness. I now have my life to live without her judgments
and negativity. I hope she’ll be happy. I know I will be.

A different (but similar) perspective. Grandmom has 4 kids...and 11 grandkids. I was the oldest grandchild (aka: the unofficial 5th child). Anytime I needed help her children (my aunt/uncles) would say that it’s “not their problem.” Another favorite was “you better not ask my children (my cousins) for help.” Gran truly was the glue that held the family together. Sadly she chose her eldest daughter and youngest son as executors of her estate. Never mind the fact I lived in this house my whole life, both of them knew the house was mine upon her passing. The idiots never bothered to probate the estate.... my guess is that since they won’t benefit, why bother. They’re also being spiteful - cause they can’t sell the house. They’ve ignored me for the entire year ~ jokes on them... I’ve got an attorney. It’s one thing to ignore me but ignoring the law ~ yea that won’t go over so well. To quote a friend of mine, “At the end of the day...when this is all settled, I guarantee you will never hear from any of them ever again.” Sadly I know she’s right. Once they get wind that I’ve got legal representation, gotta watch my back - wouldn’t put it past my uncle’s mentally unstable girlfriend to try something out of spite.

Either way, she passed on 03/03...and family ignored me regarding probate/taxes. Now I have to clean up the mess they made. I’ll never forgive them...will never forget the crap they pulled. At the moment I’m temporarily house bound due to surgery (NWB left foot) but prior to the surgery I got a big box of family pictures. Spent many hours shredding pics... kinda cathartic for me at the moment.

I've made peace with myself that I’m an orphan. Yes I miss my family but no I don’t miss being stabbed in the back every chance they get.

Ricky: Thank you! Sure was!

I never hear from them. I am the youngest of 6 , two passed on long before Mum. The rest of them never called even when Mum was alive to check on her, or come to see her. I ended up taking care of her after my sister who had insisted on taking care of her called me out of the blue to tell me she was not going to be able to take care of Mum and that she was placing her in a facility. I won't go into all that happened to get to this point.

When my Mum passed away, after taking care of her for over 13 years, I called one of my brothers and he did come to the cremation and also paid for it. He told the others but none of them ever called. Even my brother who came just for that one day of cremation has never called since then.

I doubt I will hear from them for now. However, I anticipate hearing from them at some point in the future because there may be money to gain from some land abroad that is currently under legal dispute.

I personally cannot forgive anyone of them for the way they treated not only my mother, but also me. They could all, because they are all wealthy professionals, have done some small and big things to help me take care of Mum under better conditions. They could all have easily paid our utilities between them, all could have paid our rent or bought a house under their own name and let us live in it rent free, or even just offered to pay for respite now and then so that I could have a break, or even paid for massages for me and /or Mum here and there. But they chose not to. Even after Mum died the y could have easily between all of them, have sent me on a nice vacation as a thank you for taking care of our Mum. But they could not be bothered, yet they have had no problems taking twice a year trips abroad, across the country to play golf, etc.

Before Mum started fighting Parkinson's we all got along well and were very close too. My Mum was a great Mum to all of us, but especially to my sister who was a much wanted daughter after having four sons. My parents made many sacrifices for their children, to give them a better life. There was just no excuse for them to turn away from both of us, other than being simply selfish,

So depending on what happened between your husband and his brother, I would not count on them communicating an time soon or ever.

I am sad, but also cannot forgive them for not thinking of me even once to lend a hand or in some way to care about what I was enduring while taking care of Mum. But this is what happens to many family caregivers, they get dumped on, and then they never hear anything from siblings. At least you care enough as a sister-in-law to worry about their relationships. Even my siblings-in-law cared. MY sisters-in-law has never called me once in the entire time that my brothers have been married, neither has my brother in law. By the way these are healthcare professionals - physicians, pharmacists, nurses, engineers!

Well, that opens so many tabs in my head.
I love my siblings, BUT...
I always idolized my older sister which turned out to be a waste of my pre-teen years as well as hopes and dreams of being like her. I would make sure she had the proper attire for her dates, do her nails and hair. She had her choice of any guy in high school. Me, I wore cat-eye glasses (very popular now), braces, great complexion though, but I wasn't as good or as smart as my sister. I was reminded every day.
Younger was the baby of 3 girls. I never have liked this sister since she was born. I love her because she is my sister. She could do whatever she wanted when she wanted and right in front of Mom/Dad.
Then there's my baby brother. He carries the family jewels so we all know he was placed on a throne. He is the only sibling I really have a relationship.
They wouldn't let me know what was happening with our Mother for over 5 yrs. They got tired of being responsible for her, so I was given the responsibility totally unexpected 1 day, they weren't talking with me no matter how I tried.
Now that I am in 'control' so to speak, I am handling all of her affairs. There are things I don't tell them and some things I do. I will deal with that later, Mom is my major concern, not theirs.
I'm sure that when everything comes to an end, none of us will be talking with one another again. That hurts me and crushes my heart, but 2 of 3 don't and never really did give 2 hoots about Mom. The other I'm close with but not like we had been.
We have to accept that families are no longer the Beaver Cleavers or Father Knows Best.
This may be rude to some, but those born in the 60s and up are non-relationship/families any longer UNLESS there is money involved.
You sound a lot like me. My life has always been about family, but my perception of the perfect family, the perfect family holidays all died in the 80s when our Father left our Mother. Not only did it crush Mom who was that 1950s wife/Mom, it also crushed my 1950s of thinking we were that 1950s family.
It's hard on me mentally and physically, but I have a great therapist. I have to learn my family life is no longer, will never be again, and I just had my head in the clouds trying to make it the perfect family picture and family.

May I ask how many caretakers here are first born? How many female vs. male?

I probably won’t see my siblings again and don’t care right now as I am in the thick of it. I am planning on moving away. I may feel sad about it someday but not now.

Pretty disgusting. Not only can siblings be real jerks, there children can be as well. My older brother has two nieces, both of which are around 30, and both live about an hour drive away. Their grandparents, (our parents) treated the two girls like little princesses. Now that our parents have gotten older, they are no where to be seen, yet alone to help out. No cards, no flowers, nothing. They are of the "entitled" generation. Dad was in the hospital for six weeks. No visits from them. Mom sits around with advancing dementia. All the nieces care about are their own lives.

I moved mom to the city where I live about four years ago. My younger brother is not financually able to make the cross country trip to see her, so I paid. He spent a nice week with her though he's unable to do much physically because of his own health.
My sister, who also lives on the other coast, can visit but doesn't. I asked her to do a couple of things, but that hasn't worked out well. My husband finally convinced me, my sister's issue is with my mom.
At times it's very hard emotionally, but then I come on here and talk. I've been blessed to have found good senior housing and healthcare for mom a few minutes from me.
She has a home health aid every day. (She complains constantly about the service.) Shes getting more "complainsome" each time I visit.
Though she's on a very limited income all her expenses are covered and she has about $300 left each month which I make sure is used for her personal care and enjoyment.
My resentment with my sister was hurting me. I had to let go.

As she travels the world on two-and three week luxury vacations, I'm sure she doesn't give us a thought.

I really don’t care about not having a relationship with my brother any more or his 2 daughters who seem to be fine with what he’s doing.........because of course they’ll benefit in the long run.

What really bothers me is that myself & my sons have been cut off from all & any contact with my 97 year old mom with dementia. It’s been over 2 1/2 years now since I’ve seen or spoken to her.

It’s really hard to let go since she lives across the street from me so I can see that no family goes to visit her & brother goes there maybe twice a week for about an hour at a time. It’s really heartbreaking when I see a rescue truck go there & I don’t know if she’s ok or not..........she has fallen numerous times in her house.

For keeping my family away from my mom in the last years of her life I will never forgive him..........EVER!

As my caregiving saga unfolds, the more I am disgusted with my sibs.
I'm pretty well painted into a corner as the resident caregiver, and the way they value their own time, yet disregard mine and my need to actually leave the house, (my dad can't be left alone), even to go f***ing grocery shopping or make a pharmacy run, is so vexing I walk around shaking my head in dismay.
They have NEVER offered me an unlimited day off, it's always, "How long are you going to be gone? I have things to do." I didn't take any money for my services, or for groceries, etc., for over a year as I figured if I did, then it would be considered "my job."
Although it was a bitter pill, I came to the realization that they did consider it my job, so a few months ago I started taking money. Yep, it's MY JOB all right.
When my dad is gone and the dust settles, I wish very limited interaction with them.
My sister is, IMO, showing signs of early onset, but it won't be me doing the care taking.
So outta here.
Thank you for letting me vent.

I can totally relate. I have two sisters and one brother. My boyfriend of 18 years helps me take care of my mother and father. We have a big problem finding caregivers who are reliable. My mother has many health concerns: Type 2 Diabetes and Lewy Body Dementia are just two. No contact from any of my siblings...no help from them!

For me, I contributed many hours of care giving going on three years now. I live 6 hours away. My home situation changed, thus my availability changed. I still go, but my visits are shorter. One sister seems to think I am no longer "involved," but I am. It's hard knowing this is how she feels, and maybe she has rethought that since I discovered it. I've sacrificed a lot, risking my family's financial future and my own marriage (not that he has ever threatened ending it). I am doing the best I can for all involved.
I guess my point is, make sure those who have done their part and have backed off some, due to necessity, are not getting the same reputation as the siblings who have done nothing. I don't understand the uninvolved siblings. I really don't. I refuse to make excuses for them. There are things they can do from a distance. If they are taking vacations, going to concerts, remodeling their homes, etc, they can afford to pay for hired care givers, house cleaners, meals, etc. They can show up and do things for their parents or the main care givers on some weekends. So, for that reason (and a few other reasons that revealed true character), I have no desire to continue a relationship with our brother. It took me a while to accept this. Someone asked me if I would be friends with him were he not related. The answer is "No." He has too many other ethical problems for me to befriend him. I only feel apathy towards him now. As for my two sisters, I want them in my life and am seeing any hurtful comments as care giver burn out, grief over dying parents, and just venting. They are amazing care givers too.

In retrospect, I face the hard reality that my mom pitted us against each other, letting the youngest lie to her face most of the time while I exposed his lies in frustration. His smug jokes at the crises she faced and which I had to help her through emotionally, legally and financially were the least of it. I had bought her a small house and handled the myriad problems with it, briefly managing to convince her the imbalance was unfair, that his pleading poverty while sending photos from continual, expensive vacations including whorehouses in the Philippines was insulting. Then he got married and used that as his excuse for doing nothing to help out, so in resentment, I told our mom about the whorehouses among his other glamorous vacations. I never thought she would, but in anger she told his new wife. The s- hit the fan! He thought I had no right to complain as sole caretaker and demanded an apology from me. Now, years later, in the middle of drug rehab after losing his job, he claims his Chinese wife (whose English was so poor he misunderstood her) said that I told her directly about the Philippines in order to destroy his marriage. He demanded I make a video of myself apologizing and further, demanded that my wife be in it. We haven't talked in years.

My mom has dementia & @ 95 years of age brother who did absolutely nothing for her took her to a lawyer & got unlimited DPOA & had her change her trust to 100% himself from the 50/50 way she had it before our argument.

You’re right NeedHelpWithMom they are absolute control freaks & greedy.

There is no more relationship.........he wouldn’t lift a finger to help with mom then tried to pull the POA & control card with me telling me how everything was going to be done.

I told him to do it himself & he hasn’t let me see or speak to mom since & it’s been over 2 years now.

I don’t ever want him back in my life!

Last time I saw my brother was a month ago in Court. He walked in empty handed wearing blue jeans & leather jacket, I wore a professional suit and brought 3 binders with all of the documentation of the $20,000.00 I have paid to return the house to a "semi-normal" state. There is still more work that needs to be done, but I'm retired and financially tapped out now. The judge ordered that he pay half of the carrying costs of moms house that we own 50/50 as "tenants in common".....I have yet to see a penny. We FINALLY have the house listed with a court appointed realtor, but my brothers son did so much damage that no offers have been made.

I have no idea what he has told my extended family (i.e. cousins, aunts, etc.) but they have pretty much been silent with little to no communication as before. At this point, I frankly don't care. Once this settles, my plan is to walk away and not look back. The saga continues with a trial to begin in the spring. Till then..........

Jack,

I just read your reply to cwinter. Love your response! Wow! That’s exactly how my mom was with me. They think our siblings are so wonderful! We are supposed to overlook all of their crap. If we don’t then we are the bad guy. It’s unbelievable at times, how they think.

It’s horrible when parents pit their children against each other. Resentment builds.

Caregiving all alone, mom stirring the pot constantly with my brothers, her being a perfectionist, her not respecting me or cooperating, geeeez many other things too, all contributed to me burning out and asking her to move in with my brother and SIL after living for nearly 15 years in my home.

Sadly, my relationship with mom and my brothers were destroyed. Actually the relationships with my brothers was never all that good because we are just too different. I don’t mind different if it is complementary but not when it’s destructive. Know what I mean?

I lost everyone.. She was the last drop of glue that held my last surviving sibling and I somewhat together. So yup... what relationship.

I texted.. How are you? Got a return message... Can I call tomorrow? THAT WAS LAST WEEK.
Oh well....

What relationship?

I'm not sure how things will end between me and my younger brother. I feel like our relationship started to decline when we both went away to college. I was always the adventurous one and never really moved back close to home. My parents always kind of babied him, paying his rent and buying his car...whereas with me, they figured I could just do it on my own...and I did. I feel like some of the resentment I felt towards him started with all the pampering he was receiving, while I was making my own way in the world. During this time, my parents also came to resent me, telling my brother things like "Oh your sister doesn't care/love us because she moved away and is having so much fun without us." I guess I didn't realize that travelling around in your 20s equaled not loving your family. But anyway, things really started falling apart when my dad died about 2 years ago. My brother moved in with my mom because I was not willing to give up the life I had begun building to move back to Alabama. As my mom's health began to rapidly decline, my brother was unable to care for her, though he didn't see it that way. When I would visit, the house would be filthy dirty. There wouldn't be any food in the house and they would only eat fast food (my mother has diabetes, and I still feel that eating nothing but fast food for 2 years contributed greatly to her rapid health decline). My mom had infected sores all over her body from living in the filth. So I offered to move mom across the country to live with me, with the plan being to get rid of her house so she can get on Medicaid and go into a SNF or at least get home care. NOW my brother is refusing to move out of her house, claiming he can't save enough money to move (he has a full time job). He accuses me of being selfish for not taking care of mom myself, and that the only reason I'm talking about SNFs and home care is because I don't care about mom..when the reality is that I'm only 30 and want to start my life (get married to my boyfriend of 6 years, have a kid, career, etc..). When I try to talk to him about saving money to move, he just threatens to become homeless, which greatly upsets my mom. It makes me so sad because we were really close growing up and always hung out together and had a lot of the same friends. I'd like to have that version of a brother back, but I just don't see how it's going to happen.

Yes there is hope. I held so many resentments that I was really over anxious. Turns out, brothers (i3 of them) did nothing the whole time Mother was still with us. Long story short, I reached out first. I had to, I discovered that it was my own doing to not communicate. It is what brothers and I were taught - don't talk about anything that was either emotional or private to ourselves.

It took a good effort on each of our own parts to say "we need to learn to communicate". It was and to some degree still is foreign to each of us. It has been less than 6 months since Mother passed, but we have been fortunate and made hugh strides.

When Mother passed and my own health "went to hell" I have had to learn that I am partially responsible for the split I felt. I also did things that told my brothers I didn't need/want their help. Oh how wrong I was, stubborn and all that.

However, to date my brothers and I "check in" frequently. I am sure each of us regrets where things were, but I refuse to get stuck there any longer. We are now "The older generation" and I want to enjoy every second of it.

Good luck metoo111 with a little effort and a decision to be "OKAY" no matter what you will find that peace you search for - sending hugs and prayers.

I have seen this all too often. Sometimes others in the family for whatever reasons just simply will not or cannot help with caretaking. If the situation is really legitimate and valid, that is one thing to consider but if it is just simply selfishness and the unwillingness to do anything to help, then ask yourself - do you really want people like that in your lives? Personally, I would not. And then go on to make a good life for yourself without them. People have to deserve to be treated well and if they can't be decent, then why have them in your lives?