Mom is in one of those lucid times, which don’t happen very often, but when they do I spiral. I know that sounds awful, but it puts me so on edge, and I feel guilty for moving her into AL ... even though I know it is the best thing.
I spoke to a friend of mom’s the other day, and my step-sister yesterday, and mom is (very clearly, like she is as clear as we all are) telling everyone that she should be better and be home by November. 😦
When she isn’t clear, we go places like the casino and restaurants on the water, which she thoroughly enjoys. However, last night I told her that maybe we would go out on the island for lunch this weekend, and she very sharply said, ‘Yeah, whatever,” so I know she is going to tell me this weekend that she’s going back home. 😕
If she is still very lucid this weekend and does bring it up, I am thinking of telling her about the dementia and how we are going through this together. I know I have brought this sort of a situation up here before, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. When I tell hubby about this recent situation, he is able to just laugh it off and say it will pass ... whereas I get so stressed out, I feel like I’m having constant panic attacks. 😞
As I’ve said before, I don’t tell her she has dementia, because I don’t want her to feel scared ... but I also know that I am so extremely stressed when she isn’t happy on why she can’t go back home. I’m thinking that if she seems very clear tomorrow, that it’s time I just shoot straight with her, so maybe she will understand and not get so mad about things.
Sorry for rambling. I’ve just been so stressed the last few days and needed to get it out of me. ❤️
Ask yourself "does giving a disease name help my Mother to understand & enjoy her life more? ...&/or make any solutions for her or yourself?
I suggest not
Does it give doctors a reason to load even more stress in the form of additional medications (with severe side effects) into an already weak system.?
Definately
Telling a person they have "X disease" merely saddles them with unnecessary fear and dread
i think telling them they have dementia will make no difference. My Dad would have denied it anyway and say they had made a mistake. Part of the disease is denial that anything is wrong.
He always wants to go home and has tried everything. Bullying me and the staff. Saying he has been mistreated. Telling me others are going home. The list is endless.
i just agree or say oh you are possibly right or change the subject.
good luck
Try reflective responses to her questions, i.e. : "I'm ready to go home now."
Mom, I know you enjoy (the garden, the .... your favorite chair ...
Do you have a favorite sweater (or blouse) you want to wear? That could go into knitting, your creative projects, etc.
Although I know it isn't a good idea to bring up things that they won't necessarily remember so you don't want to put them on the spot -- it may take some finesse on how to divert attention. You could role play with a friend. Or look at some You Tubes.
Best to try to answer a question with an open ended question, that can lead into other subject matters.
My aunt told me last night that I am way more compassionate with my mother then a lot of people are with their parents. I think that that comes from really never having much of a father figure, and my mom has always been “my person“.
At one point in my life, I remember my stepsister getting all pissy because my mom and her husband at the time had gone on two cruises that year. That made me so angry! I explained to my mom that she and her husband had worked their entire lives and if they wanted to go on a cruise every damn month, then they should do it.
I have always just wanted what is best for her, and now that that is in my hands, it does seem very overwhelming at times. So, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your ears and your voices during this time. Again, I’m sending big hugs and love to all of you! ❤️✌️
I can only hope that if dementia is in my future that my kids will treat me kindly as you do your mom. I was, for the most part, their all. Dad was "in the picture, but only just. I did tell them that if they were not comfortable dealing with it, not to worry about it. It isn't for sissies and hearing/seeing/learning all that I have had to go through with mom isn't for everyone! I can only hope some asteroid or something takes me out before any kind of dementia can creep in!! Mom was really one of the luckier ones - she made it to 90 or 91 before it became noticeable - minimal at that time, but we will had to learn and make plans!
It is a constant learning process. I knew nothing about dementia other than the word Alzheimer's (most likely mom's is vascular.) I started out seeking information so I would know how to recognize the behaviors, react/deal with them and what to perhaps expect. One thing was clear - although there are general paths of behavior/memory issues, every person goes down their own path.
Mom will be 3 years at MC in January. She turned 96 in August. She was the first to move into the MC (place was rebuilt) and of the few who moved in shortly after, she is the only one remaining, everyone else came much later (seems like every few months there is a new face.)
The saddest ones (they are ALL sad) are those who are still fairly young, some younger than ME! Once happy vibrant lives brought down by this. Can't speak for my brothers, but I am thankful mom got so many good years before this. She has outlived all others in her generation of family and most friends. Who knows, she might outlive us too!
So, keep on learning, do keep reading here, even topics that might not seem to apply, as they could help you in the future! The first few times I read people recommending testing for UTI when odd behavior occurs, I pooh-poohed them. Not anymore. First UTI, mom became a raging person, needing to get out, go home, guests coming, every afternoon/evening! Happened on a Friday night, no access to doc until Monday. Antibiotics for the UTI, Lorazepam for the "anxiety", which was needed until the UTI cleared. More recently, bed wetting. Although we had already switched her to disposable undies, more because sometimes she couldn't get undressed quick enough, she started wetting (read soaking) the bed and herself, and wouldn't get up if they tried to wake/toilet her. Sure enough, another UTI! Once cleared, no more bed wetting.
So, keep on learning, loving and caring! Your mom sounds like she is in that mostly enjoyable state, so relish it! Don't try to convince her of anything, don't say NO to moving, even though you won't move her, don't try to explain what is going on, just enjoy, try to brush off the questions/comments, change the subject, defer what it is she wants to "later", aka don't be specific about a day or date. As Isthisrealyreal found out, once in a while something you say or do just might stick with the person and it might not be something you want to stick!
I told my dad and was promptly told I was an effing liar, he does not have any type of mental issues or dementia. He still remembers that conversation but can't remember to take his pills. It is a no win situation and you must pick you battles wisely.
Hugs, this to shall pass.
I avoided the topic - knowing my mother, I likely would've ended up being called many names as well! She would probably also remember it, unlike most other "new" tasks/things. I knew what her opinion of dementia was, long before it impacted her, so no way would I bring up the D word!
I also told my brothers I would NOT participate in the actual move. Figured I would get the blame whether I did or not, but for the most part that piece of the plan seemed to work! When previously we had taken her keys to the car, YB did ALL the talking and took the key, I just stood in the background. On the way out, I asked could he disable the car as I am sure she has another key. Sure enough, next day I get the nasty call accusing me of taking her key and to bring it back - I could *honestly* say I never touched it (and didn't even have possession of it at that time.) She asks: "Well who did then?" Reply: You're so smart, you figure it out and I hung up. Forward to day 2 - call even nastier demanding I get down there to fix whatever I did to her car. So clearly I was right - she had another key and managed to find it.
So, I made all the arrangements/plans, but did NOT go on moving day (she only went reluctantly due to a phony letter YB wrote from "Elder Services" at the hospital that treated her cellulitis, which she got just prior to move day! I also stayed away for about 2 weeks after the move. Although for the most part she doesn't think of the place as home, I can say that she has never asked me to take her home (early visit about month after move she saw me and said 'funny you showed up, when (YB) comes tonight, I'm going to have him take me home.' I'm standing right there, doesn't ask me (VERY thankful!) and when I gave YB heads up, he wasn't even going there that night! It'll be 3 years in January, and no requests for me to >take< her home (drop off at mother's or ask if I have key to previous home they had, but no asking ME to take her home!)
I would recommend you read / listen / sign up for some of TEEPA SNOW's seminars. They are the best in the country. I've been training on-line w/her for years.
One major mountain (bit) of wisdom I've learned (well, continue to learn) is to NOT argue with a person w/dementia. Do NOT set up any verbal exchanges where one is right and the other isn't. This only upsets everyone involved and may elevate blood pressure, etc. No one wins.
It is ... shockingly fascinating - to say the least - when a person with dementia 'appears' to be so lucid and as if nothing is amiss - brain functioning appears to be absolutely normal. This is part of dementia.
I had a client (brilliant world traveler/writer, several books published and the quickest wit you'd ever hear) said to me "What do you call people like me who need help from people like you?" I said "people that need some help."
Actually, while I work in this field, it is one of the most intriguing and heartfelt experiences of my life. It continues to challenge me as - no one can throw me (us) off as a person with dementia. To talk and 'try to help' a person who believes they are fine (and do not have incontinence . . . when they are peeing on everything day in and day out) is a special skill we learn as we go along. This is my experience anyway. It keeps me on my toes as no other situation does. It challenges me to be quick, sensitive, and as honest as I can be filtered through loving kindness. gena
When he was in the local Mental Health hospital, getting three meals a day, no street drugs, clothes laundered, proper meds administered on schedule, daily showers etc., he did very well. Does this sound like a care facility? He would be discharged to a half way house, then to live independently. Soon he would crash and it would start all over again.
It was never fun for my former mil to see her son in a mental institution, but it truly was the best place for him. Now he is in permanent care as he had a stroke in the shower at a half way house and received burns to much of his body from the hot water.
Your Mum may have her lucid periods for the same reason my former bil did well. All her needs are being taken care of and you are not doing the hands on care. There is no reason for you to feel guilty because you understand that she cannot have what she wants.
Do you have a member of clergy, therapist or other person who you can talk to in person about your feelings? Do you worry that Mum is well enough to leave and you will once again be providing all the care? You know as your husband does that this will not happen.
It has been posted here many times, but we all need to remember, we are not responsible for our parent's happiness, or any other emotion they experience. Your mother may be mad about her situation when she is lucid, but that feeling is hers alone. You did not cause her decline.
If you visit her and she is in a mood, cancel your planned outing and leave. There is no rule in life that we have to stay with someone when they are angry, unhappy or in any way taking out their bitterness on us.
The memory loss - funny your MIL says she doesn't have a problem! Most will say that. Our mother did, at one point, say she did sometimes forget things, but followed that with saying she was entitled to forget because she's old!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sure mom. Forgetting things does happen for all of us as we age, but forgetting you just said/asked something 5 times in the last few minutes? Nope. Thinking you already took your meds, but haven't for days?
Funny too how she "takes on" the side effect and then uses it to refuse the medication! I forget which thread it was, but I was amused by one person's account about mom "pretending" to dust & clean while searching for the hidden car keys! So many behaviors with cognitive decline are difficult to deal with and disheartening, but this one was just soooo cute! I could just picture her mom dusting along...
They may understand for a bit but you’d be explaining again the next day or maybe an hour later. Plus it could hurt feelings, cause anger and so on. Just not worth it.
My fathers dementia has slowly worsen over the last 9 years. He would never agree to any testing. So I just rolled with it, learned how to placate and divert him. I have reminded him through the years that his memory is not very good these days. He’s not bothered by that. He has zero short term memory.
The other question that that comes up here is whether or not to tell a dementia person that a spouse has died. Same issue. It won’t be retained. I’d have to force my dad to re live his grief over moms death every 15 minutes. Absolutely no point in doing this. I avoid the subject and if he asks about mom, Oh, she’s down in therapy. We’ll go see her later.
I know it is hard but you will get to a point when you realize that the mom you knew is no longer there and you no longer have to keep looking for her approval. You are doing exactly what you need to do and that is making sure she is safe and taken care of. :-)
Consider whether you would want to be told if you were in her position.
Consider how and whether she herself will benefit/use whatever information, if any, you decide to share.
Consider the aspects of her present condition that would change if more information than she already has were presented to her.
My LO KNEW, not from me, and became more and more anxious from her intermittent awareness, and worked frantically to keep those of us whom she loved from knowing her “secret”, with increasingly sad results.
Your mom may have some ideas about home, or just a sense of longing that there was a place once that she loved, and she isn’t there. But talking to her about the “whys” of her being where she is now isn’t likely to stop her longing.
I remind myself constantly that I am my LO’s source of peace, care, safety, and comfort. “Truth”? In my opinion, for an LO with dementia, overrated.
My step-mother has dementia, not sure exactly where she fits on the scale, but there are times when she is more lucid. When those times come around, we discuss her issue. Several years ago, I told her she had dementia, it did help her as when she is with the program she will ask me "Do you think I am doing better", I will respond in kindness, she is relieved.
She once said to me "You are my angel, I know that you will take care of me, I am no longer afraid".
So for her, it was the right thing to do. My very best!
I tried for the longest time to try and have my mom understand what was happening and her dementia diagnosis, but gave up. Finally, a neurologist and psychologist team told her that she had dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, and she seems to have accepted their diagnosis, for now. There will be a time where she will forget the evaluation and their diagnosis.
Thank goodness for hubby’s....and this too will pass is absolutely right. In November, it could easily be something else, so just go along the best way you can right now, use fibs, and perhaps back off from visiting as frequently right now. Take care of yourself!
Your mother may think she's going home in "November", so let her think it. When November rolls around, you can let her know she'll go home when her doctor thinks it's a good idea to do so. Or some other comment that seems appropriate at the time. She's taken care of where she is and BOTH of you are thriving. There is no need for you to be panicking either.......old age is tough. We don't always get what we want, but if we're very lucky, we get to live in a nice place AND have family members, such as our devoted daughters, looking out for us and taking us to casinos, and restaurants, and out to the island for lunch.
You're a wonderful daughter and your mother is lucky to have you.
Keep up the great work!