Hi Everyone,
I guess I just wanted to vent more than anything here.
I sold my place beginning of the year and the plan is moving in to my parents temporary while I look for a new place. Then my dad's sudden passing, followed by Covid. It ended my stay at home is extended as my mom now needs help.
At home, there are me and my two other siblings and I am the only one working. While I am able to work from home, I have a demanding job where I work 10 hours a day and many days without breaks and lunch is kinda eat while you work. During the week, I also block off time during work to help my mom shower in the morning. I have to say, it can be very stressful some days. I also provide some financial help to the family.
My sister stays up at night to care for mom's night time bathroom assistance. She goes to bed around 8 in the morning and wakes up at 3 in the afternoon. Sometimes she will cook or go out to pick up some groceries, if she feels like it. I offer to do dishes and laundry. However my sister constantly complains that I am not doing enough at home and will constantly leave work for me to do in the evening.
My brother will do most grocery, cook and care for mom.
I feel unfair but keep quiet to avoid confrontation, hoping to move out as soon as there is a fix for Covid next year.
What bothers me a lot is the poo issue. As mom gets older, she has diarrhea quite often and everytime my sister will excuse herself from it and I ended up have to clean the dirty clothes. I don't want to complain but this is one thing that Really Really bothers me. I know it is not mom's fault to have a bad stomach but I have a hard time cleaning! ! I feel bad of feeling this way but the more it happens, the more frustrated I get.
I don't know if it is bad, I decided to throw away her dirty clothes and replace with new ones. But my mom is a very sensitive person and she only likes her briefs which they no longer available and my mom's expectation is for me and my sister to clean it.
Many days, I just want to escape and go stay with my BF.. but I feel guilty of leaving now, esp with the Covid situation we are all dealing with and mom really could use the extra help...have I also mentioned that mom and my sister do not get along?
Dont think there is any solutions to this .. just need to vent... thank you for listening/reading.
Feeling lost
Until you leave.
What sort of help does Mom actually need? Has she spoken to her doctor about her issues - including the frequent diarrhoea?
Thank you for hearing me out. I am so glad I found this forum. I feel that I am not the only one having the issue and I feel the love and support.
My mom's issue is aging. She is in her 80s with chronic kidney disease. She was fairly independent before dad's passing. After that I can see the drastic changes. She is losing her strength and the ability to care for herself including taking a shower or changing clothes. Her walking is no longer steady. And I guess as one getting older, they become stubborn. She refuses to use walker to assist her with walking around the house and has fell a few times. We got worried and hence we become her aids whenever she needs to get up..whether to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen or go to bed.
She is also not following a straight diet as she should be for her kidney condition. My sister and I tried but my brother softened when he sees that mom is eating little as she complaints that food is tasteless.
Mom's stomach is getting weaker these days and diarrhea happens quite frequently.
Mom has a little depression so we try to keep her company and cheer her up where we can. there is always someone with her 24/7. Beside working and taking care of mom, I am very tired. I am sure my siblings feel the same.
I know she will be more and more dependent in the coming years. I want to spend time and help taking care of her but sometimes couldn't help thinking about my life...
I finally asked her doctor (geriatric specialist) if SOMETHING could be done. He suggested adding an OTC probiotic. It worked wonders for my mom. Super probiotic from Walgreens, their brand.
Check with her doc before giving it a try.
Here's what to do and tell your sister and brother to do the same.
Fill the washing machine with water and a few scoops of OxyClean crystals dissolved in it. When your mom soils her clothes or bedding, everyone just put them into the machine. When the machine is full and you're ready to wash the load, drain that water out, add detergent and wash in hot water.
This will take care of the problem rather than throwing her clothes away. I'm sure you, your sister, and your brother can handle putting the items in a plastic bag when they become soiled and tossing them into the machine to soak. It's not that bad.
Good luck!
As a woman who has suffered from IBS-D all my adult life, I fully expect to be wearing disposable undergarments at some point in my life. And yes, I know many of my triggers, I have tried various diets and am currently under treatment for SIBO.
Sorry you are dealing with this. I couldn't do it. Will say some prayers for you and your family.
Chronic diarrhea is not normal and can be helped with many different things. I personally prefer the natural route and will always start there.
So get some probiotic pills, get some kombucha it is a probiotic drink and get a good probiotic yogurt if mom can eat dairy.
I feel for you, that end of things is a deal breaker.
Just curious, why is your sister living with your mom if she doesn't get along with her?
If you keep allowing this, it will get to where you are doing it ALL. They assume you'll handle it if they don't, and they're right. If I knew someone else would clean the poop and make the money, I doubt I'd be inclined to step up either. Why are other people in the house not working also?
It's not your problem that mom and sis don't get along. They're adults and need to work it out themselves, or at least be civil. You can't fix it.
You have to escape. There is no guilt in leaving for your own place or with BF. You have a right to a life too. You can still come by to help, but stop living there. They might gripe, complain, and try to guilt you when you do leave, but it's not because they'll miss you. It's because they'll be forced to get off their butts and help, be it with mom or a job.
I understand feeling lost. You feel lost because you've indeed lost the life you had, and you've traded away your life for those around you who do little to nothing.