What's the best way to tell a family member we will not help without sounding like a jerk. My aunt is ill, and her only son whom has autism has been taking care of her. He is doing his best, he is only one person. My mother (her sister) wants to help, I refuse to let her. I will be one driving them around (her son does not drive), or fielding phone calls from my father how annoyed he is. My cusion does not seem to understand the difficult position his requests put his cousins into. We all have our own issues, it is tough on him we have a support system and he does not. It is not our problem, I wish I could make him see that.
He never really got along with our family he was the youngest by a large margin and was also closed off. We barely know him, for him to come by after all this time asking us for help because his mom/our aunt wants to reconnect with family is unreasonable. My aunt is the youngest, my mom will cave. My cusion does not speak the language, we do so our aunt finds it more comfortable around us. One again that is not our problem.
My cusion is doing his best to respect our wishes, his hands are tied our aunt wants to live her house to see her family he does not let her see calls 911, and then the police call me because my cusion tells them the truth, and I have to explain it to the cops. That I do not want my aunt to see my mother. He is stuck again, my siblings whom do not live in the same state want me to help and have asked why not just give him a break for 4 hours a week. They use the excuse I am retired and that is unfair. It is my time to give away no one else.
I'm tired of being seen as the bad person for putting my sanity first. I have already cared for my mom who has cancer, my sister who has CP, my son who has mental health issues. My cusion is making unreasonable request, he wants my mother to tell our aunt she does not want her to come over, knowing full well that is not the case. I do not want to deal with it but I will be the one dealing with it.
I am exhausted of everyone telling how I should proceed. It is sad he has to go through this before 30 by himself but once again it is not my problem. I am sick of family members across state lines suggesting I give him a break, where was mine when I needed it.
I have tried to explain to him she needs to be placed, but trying to get someone with autism to place their parent that has cared for them is no simple feat. Especially when you have social workers telling him that placement is not ideal at this moment. They just do not want to do the work to place someone that is younger but has no money, nor deal with a child that is heavily engaged with the parents care. Such cases are not fun, use to work as a community guardian. Children like my cusion are the worse, they are persistent, yet lack zero understanding as to what limitations the system has.
I wish I could make him understand, and I am sorry our aunt has to go through this, but once again it is not my problem. Him having the police call and ask why she cannot go over was the last straw that broke the back. Not my problem, idc if mom had told her she is welcomed anytime, not my problem not dealing with it. Everything has to go through me when it comes to my mom I am her POA. I am responsible for her, he does not get to call the shots nor does my aunt.
Trying to reason with those are the spectrum is rough especially he is case due to the fact he is getting mixed messages. He does not get people give him mix messages to be nice, cause no family member wants to be blunt and say we do not want to be to bothered by our sister aunt, we have enough issues.
This was mostly meant to be a vent session, I will not go into details regarding her health conditions or family history.
The more you try to not sound "like a jerk" the harder it will be for you to get your message across to him.
You must be direct: "Cousin, I cannot help you take care of your mother. She needs more care than I or my mother can give and her needs are only going to increase. In my opinion, you and your mother need a lot of help from professionals who know how to manage these things. I can help you make arrangements with such professionals. What do you think about that?"
It would be a true act of kindness for you to help put in place a real plan for this man and his mother. Whatever you decide, I hope you consider taking a direct approach.
I think you have enough on your plate. I fully understand where you are coming from. It would not be Mom helping, it would be you.
I suggest you call APS. Ask that they go and evaluate the situation. Tell them that your immediate family cannot help him and why. Explain he is autistic and as such cannot be reasoned with. He and Mom need to be put on APS's radar. If something happens to ur Aunt, he is going to need help. Maybe a group home for the Autistic. I so hope your Aunt has set him up with services. Social Security Disability? Does he have a father, maybe contact him saying his son needs help maneuvering the system. Where I live there is an agency for those with Autism. It helps them live on their own and find services.
Your County should have a Disability Dept. Office of aging maybe able to help.
My new saying: I am here to show someone the way, not be the way.
I always try to caution the people who write questions on Forum that you cannot change anybody. So just as you cannot change the relatives and what they think and say, they cannot change you.
It is on you to explain to your Mom that you have no intention of supporting her in trying to help her sister at all. It is on your Mom to say what SHE thinks of you.
What we think is neither here nor there.
Say "no, we can't possibly do that".
Is your cousin getting public benefits? If so, there should be a SW or case manager involved. That's whose lap this needs to be in.
He even asked me to put a restraining order against my Aunt, so he has something to show her. My aunt does not believe him because she is not wrong, my mother did say she can come over anytime but that is not her call to make anymore.
Just like everywhere we have limited caregivers and she has no medical need. Medicaid and Medicare do not cover social companionship. Just the nature when the person has no skilled need or medically nesscary condition. My aunt does fall in the gray area of mental health concerns. Not much reliable support that can be put it place, even trying to place her would be rough sell from an insurance side. She has no skilled need, she has no negative behaviors, all she wants is to see her family. I know social workers do not want to put up with his type either, nothing will be good enough. The smell will get to them, they will look too much like a hospital, activities are limited, and the list goes on. She will also have to agree to such things she has not been deemed incapacitated yet.
Problem is I do not want to deal with it and because I have POA, what people do not get is what my mom wants is moot. I have to deal with the hassle while he gets 4 hours of peace on the weekend.
If the mom were bad enough to be in a facility, they'd still let her have a phone.
In this physical distancing age, there are many ways for your mom and aunt to visit remotely - Zoom, Google Meet; Facebook Portal... Perhaps one of those will work to give the sisters some face to face time.
Is there a request for the 2 sisters to visit at you/mom's home for a couple of hours, or is there a request for respite for your cousin, with you providing care for his mom.
If mom and sister want to see each other, they need to figure out the logistics. Transport via cab/Uber to one home or the other.
What mental health issues does Aunt have? Is she being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?
I can sympathize.
You are right, it is not your problem to fix.
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