Im full time caretaker for mom 73, diabetic, Alzheimer's w/Dementia diagnosed last Summer. Daddy 88. Im so exhausted all the time and don't know when I can take real break. Always something to do. All I do these days is cry.
I'm so glad I found this forum!! I have been very depressed and trying to figure out how I can cope with this situation. My mom has lived with us now for 3 years and we always were very close but now living together is another story. She's 88 and is in fairly good health but just wants to lay in her recliner all day and watch tv which is a downer for me! I didn't really think this through and wish now I would have insisted she go to an assisted living where she could be around people her own age. I don't know what to do, I suggested the assisted living yesterday since we aren't getting along and she says fine put me in there and forget about me. So now of course I would feel guilty!! Has anyone had to do this??
If MIL is on Medicaid or is Medicaid eligible, get the ball rolling and match her with a facility that accepts Medicaid. If her assets require her to go private-pay, do that until the money runs out. Then switch her to Medicaid.
Now for the million-dollar question. What does your wife get out of this? Other than living in a zoo and turning your marriage into a constant competition of who had a worse day?
Both sets of parents are in their 90s. Which puts you & wife in your 60s/70s. No offense, but you're too old for this. Having MIL's specialized (and increasing) needs under your roof 24/7 is not conducive to a healthy life for you and your wife.
When MIL was your age, was she living they way you and your wife are? Probably not. How about your parents?
It's time to make a change. At the rate you're going, there's a good chance MIL will outlive you and/or your wife.
There's nothing wrong with saying, "I want our life back" and "I want our home back." Give it a whirl.
I feel as if I have burnout. My 94 year old mother in law lives with us. She has full blown dementia . We have her going to adult day care and have two people stay with her for about five hours each day until we arrive home from work. She is fine with the two aids until my wife gets home. Then she gets antsy and snippy with the aids. I also care for my parents,both 99 years old with advanced cancers. My dad requires most of the care due to the nature of his cancer which requires frequent visits to the ER ,dealing with catheters, bladder infections,edema,not sleeping,etc. my dad can be very demanding and impatient. I own a seasonal business do 'this time of year I am able to meet their needs,but during my season I work seven days a week twelve to fourteen hours a day. I am now in the process of getting things ready to open,but find I can only get things one in the late day or evening which leaves me wiped out. It doesn't ge any easie as when Iget home I have mymother in law. Here is an example. Yesterday I had to take my dad to a dr visit. The nurse took us in at the appointed time and went through the usual questions. Because only one doctor was on duty we had to wait a bit. My dad started in complaining and took it out on the nurse. I asked him to please stop. He quiets down for a time and the doctor arrives and my dad immediately starts in that he can't sleep and wants sleeping pills. This goes back to my dad wanting instant relief with no care about side effects. Along with cancer he has Gerd . We have tried to thebetter part of three years to get him to change his diet. Lately he has come around,u now balks at taking the meds because he didn't get instant relief. We get home and he and my mom start arguing over something trivial. I am in the middle mediating. After dealing with my parents I come home to my mother in law being nasty to one of the aids. It hit me wrong so I left the room and didn't return until she had gone to bed. It just feels like things are out of control. From the moment I wake until bed I am dealing with myarents needs anthen comeback to deal with my mother in law.
Frazzledwife247 - this is for YOU-- Beer Juice lowers Blood Pressure naturally. Publix, our local supermarket here in Florida, sells several different brands. Buy the organic if you can afford it. 1/2 cup a day is what I give my mom and she now doesn't have to take any high blood pressure medications. I live with her and cook super healthy , organic and super low sodium meals. So that probably helps too, but drinking the 1/2 cup organic beer juice and taking a good probiotic , helps with so many health issues. I give her a Renew Life, Ultimate Flora, women's care probiotic with the green label, every night before bed in a tablespoon of her favorite yogurt or applesauce. It's really been helping her skin problems. She can't swallow pills so I just open the capsule and pour out the contents into the yogurt. No smell or taste to it, she wouldn't even know I added if I didn't tell her. If you search the internet, there are all kinds of supplements that can help the elderly AND the caregivers. It's always the same story: the one sibling that doesn't work due to their own many health problems is the one that ends up dealing with the guilt and pain of having to take care of the mom or dad. The siblings always reply: " well, I work." And they usually don't have any health problems. So is caregovers who already have serious health problems of our own, ended up ushimg ourselves to death because we think that since we don't work, that it's us that SHOULD be taking care of them. BUT PUR JOBS ATE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOBS IN THE WORLD BECAUSE WE NEVER GET TO LEAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY AND GO HOME AND RELAX! NEVER! No one knows what it's like to be sick AND have to be a caregiver. Not unless they live in your shoes.. and it will never happen. If only someone could invent a pill that would make us not feel guilty , that would solve a lot of emotion turmoil. Only God knows what we are going through. I don't have an answer, I only want to say that I am one of those people too, that is sick and full of health problems, yet I am the one out of us three kids that ended up having to take care of my parents. It's just not fair OR right.
Mom, 88, has severe arthritis and had bypass surgery this past spring. She and Dad, 92, with COPD, 24 hour oxygen and moderate dementia, live in their own home. Sibs and I support this and try to have a schedule to provide care and support. I hired Home Instead 3 days to supplement our care, especially since sibs have own health and job issues and in case winter weather impedes travel for me on my days (an hour away). Mom and one sib, the one she listens to the most, thinks only family should help. But same sib has already disappeared from care for weeks or months at a time this past year with no communication that this was happening. Just stopped showing up and would not answer phone. Even when finally answerd Mom's call, would not say if or when might return to care. When in help mode, he has had a tantrum because someone else did grocery shopping, then refused to do any shopping. Now "back" and he and Mom say Home Instead not needed. Sib also hides things in parents house. i.e. I bought a container to organize meds and it just disappeared. Anything he "doesn't like". Mom says nothing when he verbally attacks sibs or Dad or even herself. Everyone including docs, and sibs is stupid and only this sib knows anything. If it was just him and Mom, I'd visit once a week or less and just leave them be together. But I and other sibs worry about Dad who is subject to sib's and Mom's verbal abuse. Mom has an eating disorder (not officially diagnosed) and keeps track of everything he eats and has to comment " He ate 3 oranges today already" When I say that is mean, Mom, she says "he's my husband. I can say what I want".. No money or dietary problem, by the way. Sib has said Home instead will be gone soon. Mom has already canceled one of the three days three days two weeks in a row. In summary, two of us sibs are subject to criticism for what we do from cooking to laundry to making hot chocolate for Dad and verbal abuse at any time. We're there for Dad. But how do we survive this ourselves and keep Dad emotionally and physicallys afe?
It's very taxing and stressful caring for an elderly parent. I do think as children we should do what we can for our aging parents. I do not, however, think we "owe" our own lives. I have been doing the caring for elderly parents for almost 20 years. I started when I was 33. I am now 53. My primary life is done. I have my own health issues. I wish I had the outlook "keep on going...I owe my parents". At what cost do you finally pay your debt and be able to enjoy your own life?
I guess I am lucky that dad is mobile but it is getting tiring. Between him, his dog, my daughter and her husband and their dog I am burned out. I run a business from home so I am here 24/7...... I am either playing dog sitter (cant leave a puppy locked up in a room for 10 hours a day), or shopping and cooking and trying to run my business. I get so overwhelmed that my business pays the price. I get ADD and put things off until the last second because I get interrupted. Its 2:00 and I haven't got much done for work. It's either home issues, family issues or something else that gets me off base. Tomorrow I go to a conference for 2 days with my wife so I can forget about it a little. Hopefully the house will be in one piece when I get home.......
Taking care of a parent with serious physical or mental health needs can be very hard even with help from other family. But we owe it to them. They have done so much for us. Now its our turn.
I think I am getting caregiver burn out..my mom is in. Memory care center has been there for 4 years I go visit her just about every day..for the past 4 years..about 2 months ago she was put on hospice..about 2 weeks ago I started what I think it is anxiety attacks I know I am getting burned out I am the only one to care for my mom and visit her and try to make sure everything is ok at the memory care center..I know her days are numbered..and I think that is what's hitting me hard..when to doctor and she put me on Prozac..seems to be helping a little..how can I help myself to cope with this better??
There are respite facilities that could care for your parents for you to get a break. I would recommend go online to find quick inexpensive getaways and find a friend or family member that will go with you so that you don't have so much free time to think about the guilt. There are ways of finding affordable getaways on social media (craig's list, local tourist boards, airbnb, etc.) Even bring a really good book you have been wanting to read and psyche yourself out beforehand that you will let nothing stand in your way of relaxing and doing what YOU want even if that is to simply walk every day for 5 miles and listen to music. Go hiking, go by the ocean, go in the mountains, etc. That is how I escape at least for that little while and I feel not only no guilt, but revived for another short period. Look for ways every day to do something you like - sit outside in the sun reading a book, walk to the store if you only need a few things, etc. I hope this helps.
I saw you're post and wanted to let you know you're not alone. I sympathize with you because I too am in the same boat with you. I am exhausted all the time, don't know when I can take a break either. I always have something to do too. I feel like crying but I refuse to cry and I am only helping one person--my father, let alone two people like you have. I cling to the hope that someday I will reap my reward(s). If you are truly helping your parents with love in your heart I believe you WILL BE rewarded. I try to hold onto the idea that God only gives us what we can handle.
I feel like I should let you in on an embarrassing secret of mine. I have let myself become so preoccupied with caring for my dad that I have had no time for anything else but him. As a result, household duties have gotten ahead of me and we now have mice which have found their way into some of our food. I feel that if I had had more time to get things done, the mice would not have come into our home. I'm trying to wash curtains which were coated with dust today while the mouse in the house could be heard ripping into something. I felt like crying but I told myself "no."
I have very little help from family and friends. When they do help they want to do whatever it is fast and furious. Sometimes it's not worth asking for help is how I feel at times. I'm not sure what your situation is with your family and friends.
I don't know about other people but I have been thinking lately that our government needs to do something to help those people who become caregivers for family and friends. especially those who quit their jobs to become caregivers and are keeping parents, etc. out of the nursing homes.
I am wired...BP very high...especially after I go to sleep...whew... My husband has most of the conditions on the list...I give him 17 pills a day Was Bi-polar on the list?...hmmm
My husband is 90, I am 78...I am (was) lively...Whew high bp just about does me in after I go to sleep...It wakes me up and I spend the night on the massager to get it down before the med takes effect. Whew...Anyone in the same boat?
I have taken care of my mother for the past 6 years. Caregiver burnout yes I have that my mother is unable to care for herself yes she is getting worst. She has Alzheimer's & Dementia I chose to quite my job to take care of her yes it's hard but I refuse to put her in a nursing or assisted livings home. I have siblings that help when it's convenient for them do I complain yes I do it does no good. I found a program in my st that offers a lot of services & will pay you for taking care of your parent with a 2 week paid vacation for you. It's called caregivers home.
This is a contination .. i am just learning about these blogs. I was saying, i have struggled with my own health issues becore my husbands brain injury. In the last 5years he has gone from highly functional brain to confused dementia. Every day we spend at least 2hrs for him to figure out that i am his wife, where the rest of the family is, why ae moved 1.5yrs ago, etc. He cannot be left unsupervised which you all understand. It is becoming more difficult toget up evey morning. I have already completed all the recommended legal changes. He qualifies for state aid which is blessing. They provide care giver 14 hrs a week. I realize it is no longer enough. I am not quite sure what to do next. I value your experiences!!!!
I completely understand your pain. I know it's not easy. It does not last forever, but you should know in the process that you are not alone.
I run. I run and I run and I run. To stay somewhat grounded because my family is non recovered alcoholic adult children. My mom is an alcoholic and dad is her enabler.
This speeds up the process of years left - drains sanity and intensifies the view from my front row seat.
I spent my morning in tears.
But I run.
My dog just died of cancer and she was my closest friend and companion. I isolate. Nobody wants to date or marry someone my age or situation. Ive tried. My kids are far away.
Keep our body moving. That's what I do. I fuel it with good food and go to 12 step meetings to reframe my shitty upbringing. I continue so I can learn to accept myself and not try to change others with grace. How'my doin? LOL
I also got insurance through the state because I went yrs without it after divorce and losing everything. Stupid divorce. So now I go to therapy once per week but it is the 12 step that saved me from suicide.
UN-believable..... This weekend I moved my daughter and her husband into our home for a short stay while they look for a place to live. They both have new jobs here. I am very happy about this that I get my daughter closer to me after 10 years. Of course there will be ups and downs but it will be good. So I leave dad alone for the day. Ask him to let the dogs out. We get home at 5 after all day moving and unloading at storage. Winds picked up and a small hurricane ensued as we got out of the cars. Power was out so I get to the back door and he is there, standing in the way as I try to get the door open to let the rest of the family in. I final get the generator on and see him bandaged up on his hand. I ask what happened and "oh I cut myself making zucchini, its only 12 stitches"..... He just about cut his finger tip off. He said "I cleaned it all up and drove my self to convenient care". So we look, he did somewhat OK, but blood all over the cabinets, had to re clean all the dishes and knives.... We just had this conversation about not frying in the house..... so as soon as we leave what does he do? He makes zucchini to fry up.... due to the injury he did not finish.... so now I have to worry about him hurting himself just cooking... I left the house for 10 hours.... It is always something. I leave the house and he does what we ask him not to and something ensues... Now we have 3 dogs, his, mine and my daughters. So he closes his door to the living room to keep the new dog out.... it's OK, we don't need the AC..... he complains if the other dog comes into his living room. His dog (est 14 years old) is hacking up a storm and he thinks 'oh its allergies". I say, "take him to the vet" I figure the dog had a serious issue, its been going on for days".... He doesn't want to because it will cost him money and he is planning to visit family next month....
It is like living with a child, "don't do that", he does.... It's all about him.... he does not come out to talk to his grand daughter unless it is time to eat.... I'm done trying"..... I need a vacation, now that I have 2 adults here maybe I can......
I knew I had caregiver burnout when I would find myself shaking and couldn't stop. Even though I was under my own roof and my parents under their own, it was the constant worry about them living on their own in their single family home which had a lot of stairs. My Mom refused caregivers or people to come in to help her clean. And my folks were in their mid-to-late 90's, and Dad was a fall risk. And I was their "kid" and what did I know :P
How I wished I could turn back time, I would have done things so much differently. Such as the slightest hint of burnout I should have chatted with my primary doctor about that. But silly me, I thought I could charge ahead and handle it on my own, without help of calming medicine or talk therapy with a therapist who was familiar with caregiving :(
Seven years later, after crashing and burning from stress, I am trying to crawl my way back.... primary doctor is trying different calming meds to see which ones would work, without having all the known side effects that is written on the pamphlet :P And I am trying to find a therapist who will take Medicare, not easy. Geeze, this is the time when us seniors could use such help by Medicare.
Ive been a caregiver for 2 years now. It get tiring. I am burned out. I watch over my neighbor too as her kids are west coast. I help with repairs around her house. It is nice as she thanks me for helping. As for my situation with dad it gets old fast. I cant really take vacation. Maybe with my daughter moving in temporarily for work I can get away for a week. He has no medical issues but it is just the living together that gets old. I cont talk to my wife without him in on the conversation. I know it is hard for him but it is worse for me. Not sure if I need to talk to someone or not. My wife and I talk but it is always complaining about the situation, we try to listen to each other and give a united front. I talk with friends but it ends up me complaining and they really don't care nor get it.
Along with what AstridK said, I would check with what ever insurance you are using and see if they subcontract nurse registries or HHA's to help the client at home. I work with Compassionate Care, a nurse registry in South Florida and we have clients that are covered by the state and we send aides to their homes, instead of billing them we bill their insurance company. It's kind of like preventative care. It'll take some calls and research to achieve but in the end i think it will give you the piece of mind you need. Good Luck! They are lucky to have such a caring and loving child.
I just want to say to anybody who is a caregiver to an ailing relative--go to your local Office on Aging or whatever your version of that is. State lotteries monies go toward senior care services. I just found this out about a year ago and did not realize it but our state (PA) has something called the "Waiver Program". This program provides free at home nurse's aides, nurses, Physical Therapists and Occupational Therapists. You can also get needed supplies at home through Medicare and prescriptions from your loved one's doctor. We are having a hospital bed delivered today that Medicare and Medicaid is providing along with bathroom handicap supplies and other necessaries like compression stockings. Talk to your loved one's doctor about these things. The Waiver Program in my state also can provide a ramp or a walk in shower installed free of charge if it is necessary. If we didn't get this kind of help, I'd be in the wacky ward right now.
I can relate with you regarding the burnout I feel the same at times and other times I do ok! I am hoping the day will not come that I have to put my mom in a place but I do have to think of my health. My mom is 93 and is stabile at this time. She had sundowners and acted crazy. I ended up going to a neurologist and she prescribed Neudexta its a newer medication and she is better. I count my blessings for that! My mom would go on these itching tangents and it was crazy and really stress me out. I was looking into the alzheimers association for listing of support groups. also, I received aid and attendance for my mom through the VA and that helps with her care too. I wish you a lot of luck with your mom and just know there is support out here.
WOW! That's must be heartbreaking that your mom treats you like that. Maybe you need to go talk it over with a friend before completely stopping helping her. You don't want any regrets. You may have Caregiver Burnout. Look up some info about it. It maybe time to look into alternative living options for your mom, nursing home or assisted living facility. You must take care of yourself as well. Accept your feelings bout this situation and make a decision that you can live with. Good luck.
I have been my mothers care giver for 4 years. Now she is accusing me of taking her money, cloths, and meds. She even canceled her debit card. I have done nothing but give to her I have bought food meds ect. Its like now she expects everything out of me and gives nothing in return I don't expect to be paid just a thank you great job but nothing its to the point that I come home crying. I only did this because I thought my dad would want me to take care of her. I have siblings but they don't help just have there hand out. I think I am at the end of this whole thing.
one else is there for us we know that God is always with us.
If MIL is on Medicaid or is Medicaid eligible, get the ball rolling and match her with a facility that accepts Medicaid. If her assets require her to go private-pay, do that until the money runs out. Then switch her to Medicaid.
Now for the million-dollar question. What does your wife get out of this? Other than living in a zoo and turning your marriage into a constant competition of who had a worse day?
Both sets of parents are in their 90s. Which puts you & wife in your 60s/70s. No offense, but you're too old for this. Having MIL's specialized (and increasing) needs under your roof 24/7 is not conducive to a healthy life for you and your wife.
When MIL was your age, was she living they way you and your wife are? Probably not. How about your parents?
It's time to make a change. At the rate you're going, there's a good chance MIL will outlive you and/or your wife.
There's nothing wrong with saying, "I want our life back" and "I want our home back." Give it a whirl.
Beer Juice lowers Blood Pressure naturally. Publix, our local supermarket here in Florida, sells several different brands. Buy the organic if you can afford it. 1/2 cup a day is what I give my mom and she now doesn't have to take any high blood pressure medications. I live with her and cook super healthy , organic and super low sodium meals. So that probably helps too, but drinking the 1/2 cup organic beer juice and taking a good probiotic , helps with so many health issues. I give her a Renew Life, Ultimate Flora, women's care probiotic with the green label, every night before bed in a tablespoon of her favorite yogurt or applesauce.
It's really been helping her skin problems. She can't swallow pills so I just open the capsule and pour out the contents into the yogurt. No smell or taste to it, she wouldn't even know I added if I didn't tell her. If you search the internet, there are all kinds of supplements that can help the elderly AND the caregivers. It's always the same story: the one sibling that doesn't work due to their own many health problems is the one that ends up dealing with the guilt and pain of having to take care of the mom or dad. The siblings always reply:
" well, I work."
And they usually don't have any health problems. So is caregovers who already have serious health problems of our own, ended up ushimg ourselves to death because we think that since we don't work, that it's us that SHOULD be taking care of them. BUT PUR JOBS ATE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOBS IN THE WORLD BECAUSE WE NEVER GET TO LEAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY AND GO HOME AND RELAX! NEVER! No one knows what it's like to be sick AND have to be a caregiver. Not unless they live in your shoes.. and it will never happen. If only someone could invent a pill that would make us not feel guilty , that would solve a lot of emotion turmoil. Only God knows what we are going through. I don't have an answer, I only want to say that I am one of those people too, that is sick and full of health problems, yet I am the one out of us three kids that ended up having to take care of my parents. It's just not fair OR right.
Its 2:00 and I haven't got much done for work. It's either home issues, family issues or something else that gets me off base. Tomorrow I go to a conference for 2 days with my wife so I can forget about it a little. Hopefully the house will be in one piece when I get home.......
I feel like I should let you in on an embarrassing secret of mine. I have let myself become so preoccupied with caring for my dad that I have had no time for anything else but him. As a result, household duties have gotten ahead of me and we now have mice which have found their way into some of our food. I feel that if I had had more time to get things done, the mice would not have come into our home. I'm trying to wash curtains which were coated with dust today while the mouse in the house could be heard ripping into something. I felt like crying but I told myself "no."
I have very little help from family and friends. When they do help they want to do whatever it is fast and furious. Sometimes it's not worth asking for help is how I feel at times. I'm not sure what your situation is with your family and friends.
I don't know about other people but I have been thinking lately that our government needs to do something to help those people who become caregivers for family and friends. especially those who quit their jobs to become caregivers and are keeping parents, etc. out of the nursing homes.
My husband has most of the conditions on the list...I give him 17 pills a day
Was Bi-polar on the list?...hmmm
In the last 5years he has gone from highly functional brain to confused dementia. Every day we spend at least 2hrs for him to figure out that i am his wife, where the rest of the family is, why ae moved 1.5yrs ago, etc.
He cannot be left unsupervised which you all understand.
It is becoming more difficult toget up evey morning. I have already completed all the recommended legal changes. He qualifies for state aid which is blessing. They provide care giver 14 hrs a week. I realize it is no longer enough. I am not quite sure what to do next. I value your experiences!!!!
I run. I run and I run and I run. To stay somewhat grounded because my family is non recovered alcoholic adult children. My mom is an alcoholic and dad is her enabler.
This speeds up the process of years left - drains sanity and intensifies the view from my front row seat.
I spent my morning in tears.
But I run.
My dog just died of cancer and she was my closest friend and companion. I isolate. Nobody wants to date or marry someone my age or situation. Ive tried. My kids are far away.
Keep our body moving. That's what I do. I fuel it with good food and go to 12 step meetings to reframe my shitty upbringing. I continue so I can learn to accept myself and not try to change others with grace. How'my doin? LOL
I also got insurance through the state because I went yrs without it after divorce and losing everything. Stupid divorce. So now I go to therapy once per week but it is the 12 step that saved me from suicide.
HUGS
We just had this conversation about not frying in the house..... so as soon as we leave what does he do? He makes zucchini to fry up.... due to the injury he did not finish.... so now I have to worry about him hurting himself just cooking...
I left the house for 10 hours.... It is always something. I leave the house and he does what we ask him not to and something ensues...
Now we have 3 dogs, his, mine and my daughters. So he closes his door to the living room to keep the new dog out.... it's OK, we don't need the AC..... he complains if the other dog comes into his living room. His dog (est 14 years old) is hacking up a storm and he thinks 'oh its allergies". I say, "take him to the vet" I figure the dog had a serious issue, its been going on for days".... He doesn't want to because it will cost him money and he is planning to visit family next month....
It is like living with a child, "don't do that", he does.... It's all about him.... he does not come out to talk to his grand daughter unless it is time to eat.... I'm done trying"..... I need a vacation, now that I have 2 adults here maybe I can......
How I wished I could turn back time, I would have done things so much differently. Such as the slightest hint of burnout I should have chatted with my primary doctor about that. But silly me, I thought I could charge ahead and handle it on my own, without help of calming medicine or talk therapy with a therapist who was familiar with caregiving :(
Seven years later, after crashing and burning from stress, I am trying to crawl my way back.... primary doctor is trying different calming meds to see which ones would work, without having all the known side effects that is written on the pamphlet :P And I am trying to find a therapist who will take Medicare, not easy. Geeze, this is the time when us seniors could use such help by Medicare.