Im full time caretaker for mom 73, diabetic, Alzheimer's w/Dementia diagnosed last Summer. Daddy 88. Im so exhausted all the time and don't know when I can take real break. Always something to do. All I do these days is cry.
Reach out. It is rare that there is truly nothing that can be done to give yourself a break, there may be friends or family who would step in if you have the courage to ask. Be reasonable but specific about your needs... just one afternoon away might be a place to start. In the long term you will feel more in control if you are able to come up with a plan. You obviously can't continue the way things are, so decide what you are still willing and able to do. If they need paid caregivers or to move then explore ways to get it done. If you tell us more about yourself we can offer more specific advice. It's OK, we're here for you. ((hugs))
Losing one's self to care giving an elderly parent is easy to do and we all know its h3ll. My story of burnout actually cost me my health earlier this year. Last fall my folks were in a terrible situation (mom in recovery after a brain injury, dad ill and in the hospital) and they had to come back to be near their kids who were nearly 150 miles away. None of my siblings stepped up. It was just me and my husband. I won't even bore you with the details of getting them up here but we did it. They are now in an assisted living place that is about 2 miles from us and a good one. However....the stress and depression this caused me broke down my immune system. I easily caught pneumonia in January which took me about three months to finally rid myself of because of the damage it does to one’s body. Stress and depression will break down your immune system! Be careful! It was a great lesson to be learned! I love them both but they have lived life, owned homes, traveled extensively, had a family, done just about everything they have ever wanted to do. It’s the way life is supposed to be. I couldn't be happier for them. All I need to do it visit and make sure they are OK. But I won't get drawn into the drama anymore. Dad needs to get a POA now. I refuse to take it. I have advised them both to use their CPA friend of 30 years and they have agreed. He will also be their executor. I have no guilt. I have been a very good daughter. I am so damn lucky they are living where they are but they did lived with us for nearly a month before they got in. I almost went out of my mind! I really feel for so many of you that have elderly parents at home. I would be dead by now if my parents lived here permanently. My parents come over here about once a week and it’s an OK visit. I am trying to encourage them to reach out to the people at their facility. Super nice folks there! It all takes time. This will get worse as the years progress and believe me I would far rather get a call from their facility that one of them passed away in their sleep. What a blessing for them! We baby boomers that are helping our aging parents let's remember these days when we get older. Don't allow your family to give up their lives for you. Not fair! Save your money! Make sure you have a place to go. Make sure your directive is honored and not allow someone that can override it due to emotion! Make sure your living trust is in place. Death is not to be feared. It’s a part of life. I am 53 and hoping I will live as long as my parents at 83 and beyond. Our time on earth is limited. Another thing I learned after all this is the following…. There are worse things than death. For example: being kept alive by ventilators, peg tubes, sleeping 20 hours a day, can’t even get to the bathroom without help, diapers, dementia, no driving, pate foods, need I go on? Not going to be me.
It seems to me you are placing too much importance on you being there, but I may not have all the info yet.
Dad is 88, but is he still competent? Why can he not supervise your mom?
Neither one needs assistance with mobility, bathing or toileting yet?
You gave up your job to move in, are you not being compensated? If not then visiting a lawyer and drawing up a caregiving contract should be a number one priority... how will you manage your own old age if you impoverish yourself now?
Mom is only 73, she can easily live another decade, and although dad may seem old at 88 many men are now living into their late 90s. As they become more frail and dependent your burdens will only increase. Be sure you understand what the future may hold, do you see yourself still there in ten years providing physical care?
U r right. I can't do this long term. Im always exhausted, never rested now and its only get worse. My coping skills r n need of improvement. Its depressing me to think what lies ahead of me. Im only 44, single, no kids, not dating anyone? When do I have time. I need to find myself again. Thanks! U have given me a reality check.
Hi , ive got the same problem for 6 trs straight , recently i stopped fulltime work & its worse , its been 24/7 for 6 yrs And carer stress gets worse! Call the age care assessment persons & tell them! Ring tge carer help line & tell them! Get a social worker envolved & tell them! There is respite at home or in a nursing home! All the help lines will give you advise! Try everything! Get community help at home & in a government facility where carers or helpers come to the house & help for...? Depends on your government set up ! Or people cone to pick up your folks for the day ! Or there are day centres for dementia elders or 1 month facility respite where your folks are looked after by nurses in a nursing home for 1 wk or 1 month...or if you have money pay cash for home carer respite or there is gvt goverment high care .../ dementia help!!! Im in oz , you are in ? States? In any event its a hard maze cause the system has left my mum & me down and no matter how many doors i knocked on non of them opened i had to force my way in to get mum correct medical help for oarkinson , dementia,... And non of my siblings helped except for my bro when he was is the country but unless you get real help eg gvt assistance 5 hours a day at least for free with high care carer help for a couple of months you will get sick mentally & physically!!! Oh yeah my mum refuses nursing homes & her meds are all wrong & tge system make her sick by misdiagnosing her for 25 yrs thats how she hot parkinsons & i think the drugs most elders take kills their brain cells & in some cases they just call it dementia ... Their medication side effects cause real damage ! Get help from anyone cause you will get very sick cause thats what will gappen if you continue! Depression will get worse & then how will you save yourself! Remember family or people who refuse to help you are time wasters if its government well report them ! If its family well move on cause you cannot force peopke to love you or help you! You will find most people will abandon you so do not let that make you sad! It is what it is! So only associate with people who will help you !
I guess Im so exhausted now. I can't even come up with a plan. Have keep going bcuz there is noone else do it right now. I am gonna look into meal on wheels cuz that would help alot. I do have siblings that come down 4 weekend help out but I haven't been going anywhere when they do come. I have lost myself while taking care of them so I don't know how to relax. I went to hotel Saturday night couldn't rest, eat, just cried,felt guilty leaving parents, mad bcuz had go start back over sunday. So n my eyes it was waste of $. ,I just need a real break at least 3 days 3 nights. Not responsible anyone but me. Do nothing. The issue is $ bcuz Im on fixed income, not being paid much take care of them. Finances are major issue. So I have to save up 4 it. Moved back home 2 1/2 years ago. No vacation yet. Parents r still able walk, hygiene needs, but I do all cooking, driving,grocery shopping, etc,
WOW! I need go counseling talk through feeling. You have some great points. I need a Care Plan. I have health issues and have been on disability since 2013. Im trying improve my health problems so I can work again. I guess I haven't looked at big picture realistically how long this could last. I am trying pay off my car so that would help me financially.
I just want to say to anybody who is a caregiver to an ailing relative--go to your local Office on Aging or whatever your version of that is. State lotteries monies go toward senior care services. I just found this out about a year ago and did not realize it but our state (PA) has something called the "Waiver Program". This program provides free at home nurse's aides, nurses, Physical Therapists and Occupational Therapists. You can also get needed supplies at home through Medicare and prescriptions from your loved one's doctor. We are having a hospital bed delivered today that Medicare and Medicaid is providing along with bathroom handicap supplies and other necessaries like compression stockings. Talk to your loved one's doctor about these things. The Waiver Program in my state also can provide a ramp or a walk in shower installed free of charge if it is necessary. If we didn't get this kind of help, I'd be in the wacky ward right now.
my mom fell and broke two lower ribs 3 days ago. She is 93 and has later stages of dementia. I am by myself caring for her with the help of a caregiver thank god for that! I got VA aid and attendance in which, I am so grateful. I am told things will get worst and I know but I guess I don't want to hear it. I guess I just fell depress like this will never end does this sound terrible. I love my mom but it should have been different. I just hope my children are not faced with the same situation. I guess I am feeling sorry for my self and I know I need some release and I just feel bad for the fall and sad because of her pain. I guess I need to vent...thank you
It's very taxing and stressful caring for an elderly parent. I do think as children we should do what we can for our aging parents. I do not, however, think we "owe" our own lives. I have been doing the caring for elderly parents for almost 20 years. I started when I was 33. I am now 53. My primary life is done. I have my own health issues. I wish I had the outlook "keep on going...I owe my parents". At what cost do you finally pay your debt and be able to enjoy your own life?
In the long term you will feel more in control if you are able to come up with a plan. You obviously can't continue the way things are, so decide what you are still willing and able to do. If they need paid caregivers or to move then explore ways to get it done.
If you tell us more about yourself we can offer more specific advice. It's OK, we're here for you. ((hugs))
My story of burnout actually cost me my health earlier this year.
Last fall my folks were in a terrible situation (mom in recovery after a brain injury, dad ill and in the hospital) and they had to come back to be near their kids who were nearly 150 miles away. None of my siblings stepped up. It was just me and my husband.
I won't even bore you with the details of getting them up here but we did it. They are now in an assisted living place that is about 2 miles from us and a good one. However....the stress and depression this caused me broke down my immune system. I easily caught pneumonia in January which took me about three months to finally rid myself of because of the damage it does to one’s body. Stress and depression will break down your immune system! Be careful!
It was a great lesson to be learned!
I love them both but they have lived life, owned homes, traveled extensively, had a family, done just about everything they have ever wanted to do. It’s the way life is supposed to be. I couldn't be happier for them.
All I need to do it visit and make sure they are OK. But I won't get drawn into the drama anymore.
Dad needs to get a POA now. I refuse to take it. I have advised them both to use their CPA friend of 30 years and they have agreed. He will also be their executor.
I have no guilt. I have been a very good daughter. I am so damn lucky they are living where they are but they did lived with us for nearly a month before they got in. I almost went out of my mind! I really feel for so many of you that have elderly parents at home.
I would be dead by now if my parents lived here permanently. My parents come over here about once a week and it’s an OK visit. I am trying to encourage them to reach out to the people at their facility. Super nice folks there! It all takes time. This will get worse as the years progress and believe me I would far rather get a call from their facility that one of them passed away in their sleep. What a blessing for them!
We baby boomers that are helping our aging parents let's remember these days when we get older. Don't allow your family to give up their lives for you. Not fair! Save your money! Make sure you have a place to go. Make sure your directive is honored and not allow someone that can override it due to emotion! Make sure your living trust is in place. Death is not to be feared. It’s a part of life. I am 53 and hoping I will live as long as my parents at 83 and beyond.
Our time on earth is limited. Another thing I learned after all this is the following….
There are worse things than death. For example: being kept alive by ventilators, peg tubes, sleeping 20 hours a day, can’t even get to the bathroom without help, diapers, dementia, no driving, pate foods, need I go on? Not going to be me.
Dad is 88, but is he still competent? Why can he not supervise your mom?
Neither one needs assistance with mobility, bathing or toileting yet?
You gave up your job to move in, are you not being compensated? If not then visiting a lawyer and drawing up a caregiving contract should be a number one priority... how will you manage your own old age if you impoverish yourself now?
Mom is only 73, she can easily live another decade, and although dad may seem old at 88 many men are now living into their late 90s. As they become more frail and dependent your burdens will only increase. Be sure you understand what the future may hold, do you see yourself still there in ten years providing physical care?
And carer stress gets worse!
Call the age care assessment persons & tell them! Ring tge carer help line & tell them! Get a social worker envolved & tell them! There is respite at home or in a nursing home! All the help lines will give you advise! Try everything! Get community help at home & in a government facility where carers or helpers come to the house & help for...? Depends on your government set up ! Or people cone to pick up your folks for the day ! Or there are day centres for dementia elders or 1 month facility respite where your folks are looked after by nurses in a nursing home for 1 wk or 1 month...or if you have money pay cash for home carer respite or there is gvt goverment high care .../ dementia help!!! Im in oz , you are in ? States? In any event its a hard maze cause the system has left my mum & me down and no matter how many doors i knocked on non of them opened i had to force my way in to get mum correct medical help for oarkinson , dementia,... And non of my siblings helped except for my bro when he was is the country but unless you get real help eg gvt assistance 5 hours a day at least for free with high care carer help for a couple of months you will get sick mentally & physically!!! Oh yeah my mum refuses nursing homes & her meds are all wrong & tge system make her sick by misdiagnosing her for 25 yrs thats how she hot parkinsons & i think the drugs most elders take kills their brain cells & in some cases they just call it dementia ... Their medication side effects cause real damage ! Get help from anyone cause you will get very sick cause thats what will gappen if you continue! Depression will get worse & then how will you save yourself! Remember family or people who refuse to help you are time wasters if its government well report them ! If its family well move on cause you cannot force peopke to love you or help you! You will find most people will abandon you so do not let that make you sad! It is what it is! So only associate with people who will help you !
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