I often think of how unfair this situation is. Never mind that some universal "fairness" doesn't exist. It's not as if shouting into the night "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" is ever going to result in situations improving.
What I mean when I say "not fair" is that my parents had their time and chance to be my age already. They did what they wanted, no elders or children to take care of anymore so it was THEIR life to do as they pleased. They didn't have to wipe their parent's rear end, plead with them to bathe, deal with the rashes they got from NOT bathing, deal with their complaining, inability to do anything independently or even make their own meals. They, comparatively speaking, were carefree. They never knew this prison. They never knew the feeling of pouring your entire life into the care of someone else who is never, ever, ever going to gain abilities. Yes, they had children but children develop abilities. As long as I take care of these two it will be downhill all the way.
I resent this. I resent the hell out of it. They had their chance. They had their lives to live freely and without guilt...the same guilt heaped on me by them and my siblings. It's hard most days to not feel like some pathetic patsy who is stuck in a hell of her own making. I could easily cart them off to an assisted living place but then there's the guilt. And instilling guilt is the one talent they were masters of. Boy, could they dish it out.
Here it is, Christmas Eve, regular caregiver has the day off (all the holidays off, in fact) and I'm here begging my mother to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed. And the fill in caregiver will do her best but she doesn't know this situation and doesn't know my mother has to be reminded that she needs help cleaning herself. And she refuses to let anyone help her. So what do I do? Sit and wait for her to develop sores from rashes due to uncleanliness? Does ANYBODY want their epitaph to read "Died because she refused to wipe her ass"? Well, that's where she's headed.
I don't even know if I have a question here. I'm just tired. Tired of being underappreciated, tired of having a compassionless life. All expectations and no thanks for what I do. My sibs are judgmental, full of opinions and criticism and selfish as hell. They are NO help whatsoever on any meaningful level. And they can't understand how, when asked what I want for Christmas, my answer is COVID. And I'm almost positive I'm only 50% kidding about that.
My holiday wish for everyone here is going to sound ghastly and horrible but I'm making it anyway. I hope that next year at this time, we're all free of our current miseries. If our LOs have passed, let it be painless and fast and in their sleep. If they haven't passed...well, I've got nothing here. If they haven't passed on I hope we're at least a little less miserable than this year.
We'll get through these holidays, warriors. Best to all of you :)
Meanwhile my three siblings, including one sister, who are all home owners (multiple homes in two cases) with well to do children and no worries about their financial futures are not expected to do anything.
Oddly, my mother doesn't expect my sister with an 8 bedroom mansion (and children moved out), maid, groundskeepers to do anything, though she could easily take my mother in because her one home includes a separate wing that was originally designed for servants.
Ironically my mother didn't take in her own mother, though my mother was widowed at that point, owned her 4 bedroom home and had all adult children. She stuck her mother in a nursing home. But I'm not expected to have any life....
imho you need to find the best care home you /they can afford and be the sweet loving daughter you used to be.
There will receive proper care activities and lots new company with 3 shifts people around the clock. You’ll visit and be there for good times.
you can’t expect your parents think this thru logically ... they’re no longer able.
you’ll have to deal with guilt like all of us but decide this was best solution for everyone.
now nobody’s doing well !
we’ve all been there !!
best luck
I hadn't looked at it this way, Carla, but you are right! And hasn't it been mentioned here that one of the possible plans for handling the huge onslaught of aging Baby Boomers is to provide some kind of "support" to families? So there you go -- it's still going to be on the families!
ExhaustedOne, how did it come to be that you had to be the one who had to take on the caregiving? I'm always interested to read how that happens. Please make the choice to NOT do this any longer, as it is affecting your physical, mental, and emotional health.
For me, it was either take it on myself or leave mom to her own devices, which were not working due to dementia. Although she was "okay" alone in her condo for a while, it wasn't going to last. Initially I tried bringing in aides, to get her used to them, for the min 1 hr/day but that didn't last 2 months (she refused to let them in.) Plan B was to find a safe place for her. I did all the prep work, making sure all documents were updated, searching for places, etc. At first, both brothers didn't see the issue (blind? deaf? nope, just clueless.) Once they did, they were okay discussing options and went to check out some places. Again, clueless, because after the first place, they had "sticker shock" at the cost! Both said, with gleams in their eyes, for that kind of money, they'd take her in! Riiiight. They couldn't even be bothered to visit her, and they were going to care for her 24/7? HAH!
While I would have been happy to share the necessary tasks with them, I got the door slammed in my face, multiple times. Fingers too. OB just bellowed at me to "Give it up" with no offer of another plan. YB told me that the facility takes care of everything. Sure they do.
So, in the interest of ensuring my mother wasn't left hanging out to dry AND ensuring everything was properly taken care of, I gave up on them and just did it myself, including the visits. No guilt or regrets for moving her into MC. She got excellent care. She was happy most of the time. She will be VERY missed by the staff (the outpouring of care and sorrow at the impending loss was very apparent from them - from bros? Hah.)
So, basically I wanted to be sure she got the best care and that everything else was managed PROPERLY. I couldn't count on those two clowns for anything... except maybe their hand out when the end arrived. If I could, I would slap their hands as I hand them their "share" of what's left.
but here is the deal and where the rubber meets the road. You should decide right now..are you enjoying being controlled by so called "guilt"? If not, then do as you wrote and place them in assisted living already. There is nothing written that says you must give up all semblance of a life. Guilt implies wrong doing. It is not wrong to find a place for her to live where PAID shifts of caregivers will take care of her needs. She is a human not a cancer and truly deserves to be put where she can get care and you can then return to being a daughter and getting some of your life back. This will sound tough and I don’t mean to be hard hearted but I am pragmatic....do it or don’t complain. You truly are in control of how you are going to handle this. Best of luck.
Set your boundaries firm and stick to them. I have both parents nearly 90. I take care of their meds, cleaning and a few meals a week. That’s it. Any personal care needs have to come from elsewhere. When either of them can’t function in their own place they will move to a facility. My boundaries stand.
My suggestions were always met with "not yet, not now" we are at the yet now and it's all my responsibility as there is no on else to pick up the slack. In some ways am thankful for covid as it gives me the ability to be with them every day, I would have had to take family leave otherwise, they count on me for everything including translation services. I don't know if they feel any guilt but it doesn't seem like it, Not once do I get are you ok?
Your anger and resentment isn't good for any of you, so yes, find a nice place for them (assisted living won't take someone who can't toilet themselves), and live your life.
You're responsible for making sure they're safe and cared for. You are not required to martyr yourself.
When the ILs were healthy, there'd be beach house trips where she'd talk about how the kids were waiting on her and that's HOW IT SHOULD BE.
FFIL's mother died in 2018 at age 103 in a home. FFIL did not upend his life for her, or insist that she move to his house, nor did he and FMIL move out there. He spent maybe two hours visiting in the last five years of her life.
How about you ask them? Say ‘I’m reaching the end of my ability to make my life revolve around you. I’m sure you feel guilty about it too. When I stop, what do you plan to do?’ Remember, it’s their responsibility to plan for their own future. You can give them 2 or 3 options to think about, but you are NOT ‘carting them off’ anywhere. You are stopping what you are doing now, and they work out what happens next.
Nothing will change until you decide to stop what you are doing. You stop, then things change. It’s a great New Years Resolution to take back your own life!
I love what you said and I'd love to be able to agree with you. But I can't. It would be great to be able to just hand the problem back to the parent, and ask them how they plan to manage when the caregiver steps back. Unfortunately, I doubt that it will work. My mother, who had been a model of control and independence all her life, turned into a puddle of weepy helplessness at the mere suggestion that she try to handle any of her old-age issues on her own. It was thrown right back: "Well, what can I do? How will I manage? You know it's not safe for me to be left on my own!"
And I would not count on the parent feeling guilty about it either. My mother's attitude was that she could not help getting old, and needing help from her children. Our culture encourages and reinforces an attitude of entitlement on our parents' part - the belief that people's kids should step in and help them as the grow older. There's no competing norm of taking responsibility for one's own old age, or making an effort to burden one's children as little as possible. Those who claim the loudest that they never wanted to be a burden to their children may be the first to say "It's not my fault. I can't help that I need help."
Unfortunately, I think that the more of us do it, the more it becomes the norm, and the more it becomes expected that adult children will sacrifice years and even decades of their lives to caring for their elderly parents. To me that's the worst of the problem - that the trend is going the wrong way. Even as it becomes commonplace for people to survive into their children's old age, and even as demographics and career goals make parent care even more of a burden that it ever was, the expectation is becoming more and more fixed in people's minds. So when the parent grows old and can't manage their "independent" lifestyle without help, it's automatically assumed that some family member somewhere will put their own life on hold for years to help the parent through the end of theirs. I'm not endorsing this practice, not at all. I'm just telling it the way I think it is.
The generation your caring for did not have to deal with this horror.
it is unfair , I thought about this for 2 years while I visited my dad in a nursing facility until he passed from Covid. He was dying but I kept fighting for him and killing myself with daily visits and constantly criticizing staff. I was a different person and it took years off my life.
I was missing out on my new granddaughter and so many times I was resentful. I ended up losing my job and my personality became bitter and resentful.
Dont let this happen to you
My father in law is going on 97
and my husband is going through the same thing. My husband is diabetic and his condition has worsened due to daily visits to his dad and his sister barely helping out
You have to be able to admit you can’t do any more by yourself
Best to you
They will not get better .
There are so many positive aspects of AL or a nursing facility.
They get round the clock care by staff that come in fresh every 8 hours.
You get time to yourself and time to spend with them that is positive
instead of being there24/7 and being burned out the whole time.
Its a new way to help them they will benefit you as well.
best to you
Exhaustedone,
You need to let go of the guilt trip. I know it is so much easier said than done! You have done all that you can. You put up a good fight, now it is time to let go! It is time for you to think about you and there is no shame, no guilt in that! Have you ever looked up the word "guilt or guilty"? It implies that you are or have intentionally hurt someone or cause someone pain and that you did something wrong. You haven't done any of these things! You have been a good daughter. A good caretaker. You have done a good job and now it is time for you to fire yourself! You have reach to the end of your rope...you have gone beyond what a good child would do! No one (Drs & researchers) ever thinks about what they really are doing by prolonging life. The consequences it will have. The unfairness that it brings!
I really think if you had a friend telling you this story (your story) you would tell them the same thing we are telling you. It is time for your parents to go to AL!! Trust me, if my mother had the money she would be in AL faster than a New York minute! I would not feel one bit of guilt! I am Done!!! I am over the guilt trips! I am over taking care of someone who never took care of me! I am over with caring for someone who doesn't appreciate me or what I have done! I have a new vision for what I want my life to look like and caring for my self-center, self-entitle and who wants to make my life h3ll mother is not in that vision!
Like I have told people in the past "I love you, but I love me more!" That is how you need to think about it!!
You matter...you count...you need to take care of you!
And your right...it is unfair!
Hugs!!!
Forget about what your siblings say or think. You need to start taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. There is NO shame in you placing your mom in a facility.
You've done your time in caregiver prison with no help from your siblings. Your sentence is now done. Put her in a home. Most of us totally understand the resentment and anger you're having because in truth it really is not fair and you are getting cheated. The elderly of today who we are caring for did not have to become caregivers to their parents because elderly then did not live to the point where they became ornery and abusive infants that had to be cared for 24 hours a day. Don't sacrifice your life because you can be guilted into believing that your life belongs to your elderly parents and should be spend in servitude to them. It doesn't. I want you to think about this. When you are old and looking back on your life, will you be glad that you missed out on so much of it because you spent it in servitude to ingrate seniors who appreciate nothing and whose sense of entitlement is so outrageous that they actually believe their own kids should become slaves to them? Because somehow it's owed to them? Don't do that to yourself and your life. Find an assisted living facility or nursing home and take back your life.
We were pretty much in the same boat with my mom also. She would refuse to get a bath for weeks at a time and refuses to let anyone help her with anything. If I would even ask to go in the bathroom with her it would just cause a fight and finally just gave up. I’m sure she’s not getting the care she needs nor does she want it. We were dealing with dementia even though we never got an official diagnosis because all the COVID started and just got tired of arguing with her all the time. She always would say we are picking on her when we would ask her to do something she didn’t want to do. We are still dealing and have no placement but hoping it happens soon
Best of luck in your journey and know you are not alone.....
of town specialist appointment for stepdad, stopped and purchased a wheelchair for him and spent three weeks driving her to and from the hospital, because she will not drive in metropolitan areas. I drove her home for a weekend. The minute we arrived, she complained that the grandchildren had not mowed and edged her lawn properly. I live 4 hours away. I left my family and job to basically take care of her husband and be her servant. Neither of my parents would have gone to this extent for their parents. I am truly baffled for choosing to make those choices! What was I thinking or trying to prove?? I have learned a lot about myself and my capabilities and limitations over the past two years.