The memory care facility where my husband is cannot get him to shower or shave. He won’t let anyone near him. He has FTD. What should we do?

They can't force him, that's assault, although he may not know that. But they do.

Has anyone tried a sponge bath at the basin in his room? It's not ideal but it's better than nothing.

Maybe they could try doing a bath and a shave on different days so it's not as much at one time. An electric razor might be more agreeable than shaving creme and a razor.

Yes they have tried sponge baths but he just yells to get away. I’ve had success getting him in the shower but it wS a struggle and I’m sure he still had shampoo in his hair. He uses an electric razor and will do himself but it’s a hit and miss. So frustrating.

I'd consult with his doctor about it. If he is not allowing anyone near him, he may be frightened, anxious, confused, etc. I'd see if medication could help ease his mental distress. That might help him relax and be less resistant to care. And, I'd check on the facility's credentials. Staff in Memory Care facilities are specifically trained in my state. They are experts at handling tough cases and they usually figure out how to best manage the care of the residents. It may take lots of different approaches, but, it's doable, without upsetting the resident. At least, that's been my experience.

I worked as a CNA in SNF and one of my ladies shower was scheduled for evening, my shift. She would be fine until we got into the shower room and she would start yelling. They switched her shower to the mornings and she was fine. I don’t know what time of day you dad is getting is shower, maybe they could change time of day..

I agree with Sunnygirl and LisaNJ. Dad thought he was showering every day, bc he had no concept of time, so twice a week was a struggle. The staff in his MC worked with him, tho, changing his shower time and even his aide, more than once, to make him comfortable. I found that there was always an aide Dad seemed to trust more--tho not always the same one-- so when there was a problem with showers or anything else, we just had to find out who he trusted that day. Also, the facility director came up with the idea to hang a sign in his bathroom that showed shower days and times. For some reason, that helped. They would point out the shower sign to Dad when it was shower time, and he was much more cooperative then.

talkey: Interesting about the sign on his bathroom door. Perhaps, like many of us, in his working days, he had a schedule to follow and now this brings something familiar to his day.

Make sure the staff is showing him around the same time of day he had his shower at home. That it's a staff person whom he gets along well with in other situations. That the shower/bath room is WARM ENOUGH, this is a big problem in LTC homes. Have some soothing music, music that he likes. Make sure the aide is SMILING with him, having a nice conversation before she even begins the bath. Suggest that the aide ask for your Dad's help. Maybe he doesn't like a stranger, especially if it's a female, to help, so they need to find ways around this. Have a male aide help, give your Dad a towel for his lap (you can still wash under it, or maybe he can wash himself). There are lots of reasons people with dementia have a hard time with bathing. Getting to the bottom of it may be time-consuming for the place he lives, but if they will give it time they usually can make progress. Be sure they are being gentle and pleasant with him. Re shaving: maybe they can organize a shaving party for all the men, just as they have nail time for the ladies. Make it fun and gentle, shaving can irritate if not done well.
Dementia is difficult, for the person as well as for the caregiver. Confusing, scary. It's the caregivers job to take the time to make it less confusing, less scary. The problem is probably not your dad, it's the time constraints of those caring for him. Demand that aides are given the time they need to do good caregiving!

I noticed that at my LO's MC, they play music during shower times. I think it helps relax the resident to have the staff member humming along with the music as they are bathed.

PS Hit or miss shaving seems fine! He still has a sense of taking care of himself, and who really cares if he's not as clean shaven as he once was. It's all about HIM: his sense of security and comfort and independence.

If his vision is affected and the bath room is all white, could he be afraid of stepping into empty space? Could they use a colored patterned bath mat on the floor/shower? Would a cup of tea ahead of time calm him? So much is trail and error and in care homes they don't employ enough staff to give residents the time needed to figure out their needs, unfortunately. Families must advocate for better staffing.

Dear One, Agree with Minstrel. My mother’s care giver is very gentle, speaks softly, never forces and is always smiling, smiling, smiling. She has mom choose the clothing she wants to wear just before showering. She now looks forward to her shower with Sally. Much Love.

This too goes with the territory. Who is upset? You or the memory home?

My DH will not bathe the way he used to but he's clean. He can't shave himself anymore and waits for me to realize he needs it. Sadly, when you are the only one and doing 24/7 caregiving, not everything gets done. I have asked DH to not wait but to ask or remind me of cutting his hair and shaving him.

As an aside, they also tend to not want to change clothes as often. So I now use a towel like a bib and change the shirt when soiled.

Is shaving essential? Maybe it would be a lot better just to let him grow a beard. As we have been told in this forum before, one should pick his/her battles. Showering is important, shaving is not.

Perhaps a bribe is in order. Like he can get his favorite chocolate chunk ice cream or wouldn't it be nice to put on that new aftershave we got you after your bath, dad?

Thank you all so much for wonderful advice. Tried most of them... no luck!! He is adamant he will NOT get in the shower AGAIN... says he already did. Tonight I said ‘let’s’ get in the shower together and then we can snuggle in bed.... he said no, I could go ahead in shower but not him. So NOT the man I married. Yes, he is my husband, not my dad. Thank you all so much for taking time to help.

Gardined, you sound pretty creative yourself! It must be very frustrating that nothing works.

Would he prefer a bath to a shower, do you think? Does the facility have a walk-in tub?

Thank you all....unfortunately, my husband has entered the world of Hospice Care. He is declining so rapidly and with his FTD the doctors said you decline faster BUT...his is the most severe/extreme case they have seen. His personality has totally changed and his anger!! Unreal!! It's not the medications causing these symptoms, unfortunately, it's the disease. I know it’s hard to find a balance between controlling symptoms, but also making sure they are not just making very sleepy patients. Because my husband is so young and healthy other than his brain this is really hard to accept. Things that he is resistant to which are not a safety risk, such as showering, are not so important anymore. Hopefully hospice can get a sponge bath in. I can’t believe we ate at this stage of the disease already. Now we just want him to be comfortable and have a feeling of being loved. Quality of Life!! 💕

Gardined, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make him feel loved. Best wishes, and make sure you take care of yourself too!