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To be honest with you, I don't feel like this nurse knows my dad at all or even knows that much about hospice. I know he has gone WAY downhill in the past week (really very quickly) and that this might be it. But his vitals are all good and he's breathing his normal way (which has always always been loud open mouthed when he sleeps). He still is eating (but very little). He's sleeping A LOT now but then they are also giving him 3 kinds of meds for agitation which I'm sure is making him sleep. He needs the meds because otherwise he thrashes around trying to get up until he falls . He fell many times in the past few weeks. They put a catheter in him tonight because the care team said he hadn't urinated (but then he's barely eating and drinking).


Anyway, I know he is close, and I feel relief about it but I feel like she's wrong because of the vitals and the breathing being "normal " for him. But what do I know? Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm just worried she is wrong and that this will go on and on.


I'm the only kid in town and I go visit each day but mostly he is just sleeping and maybe once in a while will open his eyes momentarily. I can only stand to stay about a half hour because there is nothing to do but watch him sleep and even when he opens his eyes, it's very quick and he doesn't seem to see or indicate anything. Yesterday he didn't even open his eyes and then I come back later in the day and still he didn't. I don't even know if he sees anything or hears me as there is zero reaction. It really bothers me that I don't want to be there because I know I should be doing some kind of vigil. But I guess it bothers me more just sitting there watching him.


As you can tell, I'm a bundle of conflicting feelings about all this. I miss my dad so much, so why can't I be there for him?


Sorry for the "stream of consciousness" sort of question. I know there really isn't an answer and that the nurse can't really know everything. I just wish this would be over sooner rather than later...which, probably means it will go on for a long while yet.


Thanks for listening

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Mary.

I understand how you feel. I lost my mom this past April. She was 95. It’s excruciating to watch a parent decline.

I would trust your father’s nurse. They know all of the signs when a person is dying. They see these situations over and over.

We don’t want to face the end. We do miss the person that they once were. I find the grieving starts long before an actual death. I even feel like anticipatory grief is harder than the grief that we feel after they are gone. I felt relief after mom died because she was finally at rest. I still miss her and always will.

Dying people don’t eat shortly before dying. My mom slipped into unconsciousness. I felt like you do. I was just watching her sleep. I became anxious because I don’t know if I would have wanted to see her take her last breath. I went everyday to see her but didn’t stay more than an hour or two. It was too painful for me.

Mom knew that I loved her dearly. Take comfort that your father knows that you love him. Many people die when their loved ones aren’t around. Somehow, I don’t think that this is an accident. Maybe they don’t want us to go through watching them fade away.

I saw my mom a few hours before she died. I truly believe that their soul has already left their body. Look at the near death stories that people tell. They speak about seeing a light, other loved ones, some even say they see angels and Jesus.

They will die in their facility or in my mom’s case, the hospice house, and it is terribly sad. In another way though, it is joyful because they will never suffer again and meet up with family members who have died.

Please don’t feel guilty about not staying any longer than you can. I wish you peace as you go through this difficult time in your life. Take care and many, many hugs! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and your dad.
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My Dad passed the morning after Thanksgiving. He had been bed bound and at time a little "out of it". All his kids were at home for TG. The men watched a football game and ate with him in the living room. The women and children ate in the kitchen. By this time he couldn't talk but he could grunt and was aware what was going on. He was tucked in bed at 10pm. Mom found him gone at 6am the next morning. He died in his sleep.

Your father's agitation is partvof the dying process. With my Mom it was humming which got louder as the days went on so shevwas medicated for it. The next thing, she wouldn't get out of bed, then she closed her eyes, then she couldn't swallow...all this signs the body was dying. She died 2 weeks from the time she would not get out of bed.

If the nurse is telling you he is transitioning she is probably right. I don't think good vitals mean a thing. The body just starts shutting down.
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He may not open his eyes or seem to be sleeping but hearing is the last sense to fail. It isn't easy to watch a loved on fade away, but you should do what is best for YOU. Talk to him, tell him you love him, and that if he wants to go to sleep you will be fine and will ensure everyone is looked after. We often have to give our loved ones permission to pass on. A vigil is up to you - it is something we do for ourselves, whilst our LOs sleep and are at peace. But talking and saying what you want to and what he needs to hear are something you can do rather than sitting in silence. Hugs with you at this difficult time.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2021
Sweet answer. I agree with this. I told my mom and brother that I loved them in hospice, even after they were unconscious. The hospice nurse told me that they do hear.It is the last sense to go.
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Boy are they ever wrong! Nine months ago hospice gave my mom 2-3 WEEKS to live. In December it will be five years since her oncologist gave her 12-18 months to live. Her secret to longevity seems to have been never believing or accepting what the doctors told her;)
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I was told about 3 different times that my husband was dying during the 22 months while he was under hospice care in our home, and he didn't. And even on the 4th time, when I was told he would be dead in 3 days, he lived for 41 days before he died.
So the morale of the story is this----only God knows that day and time that He will call your dad home.
Just be with him, tell him how much you love him, and leave nothing left unsaid. God bless you and your family.
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marydys Jul 2021
yeah, this is what I'm afraid of. Dad is determined to live and I think they are discounting that factor. He's still amazingly strong even though he's sleeping all day long. But yes, I do say I love him and it's OK to sleep and we'll all be OK. He knows I love him I'm sure of that.
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If he stops urinating, it means his organs are shutting down. My father-in-law lasted a week when this happened.
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Skin color will typically change. There will usually be a mottling of the skin at the extremities and then often the back and torso.
A pressure sore called a Kennedy Ulcer can form. That is typically on the very lower part of the back, maybe just below the waist. And can be butterfly shaped. It will start out pink.
Increased secretions and a change in breathing.
These are some of the signs that might be visible. There may be sounds she hears internally that might be different than what she has heard in the past.
All that said these are typical but not everyone will exhibit all or even any of these.
If this is stressful or you are unsure of the care that he is getting at home you can request that they transfer him to the Hospice In Patient Unit where there will be round the clock care and monitoring
((hugs and peace))🙏🏼
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I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

Hospice “bounce” is when someone is released from hospice care because their condition has improved.

This happens occasionally. It happened with my mom. I since have read about with numerous other patients.

Hospice nurses wanted to give mom morphine, but we wanted to be able to communicate with her.

I will always believe that if Mom. would have taken everything they brought she would have slipped into a near coma and died quickly.

i am grateful for all the time we had together, even when she was very sick.
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My mother died earlier this week. She was mostly asleep for about three days before dying, except she'd raise up a hand to twirl her hair as was her lifelong habit.

Her vitals were normal for her when I left her on Sunday night -- better, in fact, than they'd been for the past few days -- so I fully expected to see her again on Monday morning, but she was gone before I came back.

Her hospice nurse felt something was pp when she saw her last on Thursday, so she was right. To my untrained eye, Mom was about the same as she'd been for weeks.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2021
So very sorry for your loss, MJ. Many hugs sent your way.
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So, I went in early to see dad this morning and his eyes were open and he was moving around and "reaching towards the ceiling". He seemed to recognize me and I spent a long while talking to him.. saying a prayer to him , paying some hymns. He seemed better than he had been in a few days because his eyes were open and he was reacting some. Then I left because my brother was coming to see him and he's from far away so I felt he deserved the day with dad to the extent he wanted to be there. All day I wondered if I should have gone back over there but I didn't. My brother left around 3pm and by 8pm dad was gone. I feel bad no family was with him. I am really quite shocked because his vitals were still good and he had so few of the "signs" they say to look for. I thought we had a few weeks after he stopped eating and drinking but he ate yesterday. I'm really sad but I'm glad for all of us that it's over. Thanks for listening and for your stories as it helped.
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Beatty Aug 2021
So sorry for your loss Marydys.

Many times people do wait until LO's have slipped out, Dad is at peace now & you got to tell him goodbye. Treasure that 💙💙💙
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Marydys, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Many, many posters here have told us of staying with family members for days on end, and then the person dies when they step out of the room. I think some folks must need to be alone to pass.

You did your best for your dad and you should be proud of that. Find the good memories and be comforted by them.
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Mary, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies and peace during this difficult time.
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Marydys, I am so sorry for your loss.
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My condolences on your loss Mary. My dad's vitals were great, too, right up until about 6 hours before he passed. I wasn't there with him when he did pass either, which is how he wanted it, I believe. Wishing you strength & peace during this difficult time. You've been a great daughter to your dad & you were there for him every step of the way.
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