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We went out of town to bury her husband, and now that we are packing to go back, she has suddenly become suspicious that I'm leaving her behind, shipping her off, or "placing her in a sanitarium". The actual plan is that once we get back to town, she will be going to a wonderful place that specializes in memory care...and I have a feeling it's going to be ugly. Trying to stay positive, and I have a long time family member who's actually going with her so there is a familiar face, but now I feel guilty about placing her in that position....my Mom might get really nasty.....I feel bad for my mom too, but honestly there is a part of me that feels resentful that she only cares about herself. She's been kind of self absorbed for years, so it's not entirely the dementia, I just hate being in this position. I don't like being the bad guy, I wish I could make everyone happy, I am a complete wimp when it comes to confrontation. How does she know??? She can sometimes be so clueless and unobservant, why is she sensing it now?

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Just be prepared. I hate to be the voice of doom but...I expected my moms move to a NH to be bad - and she knew for quite some time it was happening and when. Still, I prepped the NH, warned their head guy, even had a rx for Ativan in their hands for the ready. All moving day mom was pissy - that was actually better than I expected. Brother and I left after moving her in, getting her settled - around dinner time. Still pissy but no drama. Then at 10:30pm I got The Call. Not only had the sh*t hit the fan but all hell had broken loose as well. It was a complete nightmare. Seven months later and all is well but I don't think I will ever get over that night. Sorry - and here's hoping for better luck for you.
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JJ, my mom was moved to memory care a year ago. It was very hard on her and still is at times. She is doing much better, but still has her moments. It is a hard decision and a difficult transition for all involved. The staff have dealt with it all, they have seen the worst of the worst, they do their jobs well. I know I sure couldn't deal with what these facilities do over and over and over again.

I did as you when mom was moved, stayed out of it and the leaving her there. I dropped her at the door to my two twisted sisters that thought nothing was wrong with mom. That was the worst of it for me. No guilt. I had provided her care 24/7 for four years! Now the sissies turn course they have an entire staff to rely on.
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Did you explain to the family sidekick that he/she might be in the crosshairss of some batsh*t crazy drama? If not....or if you're concerned that you didn't explain adequately....call or text him/her immediately.

This relative probably "gets it." After all, he/she agreed to step in and save your sanity during the hand-off.

Some elderly parents put on their better behavior -- or some semblance of a filter -- when dealing with those they don't see often. If this is your mother's m.o., make sure the sidekick understands that acting as Proxy Adult Child might expose him/her to new rants.

Hope for the best, JJ. You made a thoughtful plan that addresses everyone's needs. (Take note, I did not say "wants"!) And you are blessed to have a supportive relative working with you.

Deep breath.....and march through it. Keep us posted.
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Blackhole. Gladimhere, and Rainmom,thanks for your responses. family sidekick is forewarned....and such a gem for putting herself in this situation. Have had several pow wows with all involved, lengthy conversations with the caregiver staff, lengthy conversations with the memory care staff, head nurse, night shift nurse, house keeping lady, maintenance man...etc. warned them all about my feisty Mom. They have all been reassuring and seem ready for the challenge. I think they are used to this....I am the one in unchartered territory.

Will keep you all posted.
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JJ - sounds like you did all your ground work. "Forewarned is Fairwarned" right? One thing that definitely did not help me was that the NH scheduled two sweet young things covering my moms area that night - neither one had a clue as to what to do and were scared out of their minds. Since I did warn them you'd think they would have assigned some tough old matron to my mom! Since you warned everyone but the mailman - or did you? - your odds are better than mine were! Solider on!
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JJ
I hope things go smoothly for you and your mom - let me tell you how blessed you are to have someone help you with the drop off - hopefully this person will continue to visit your mom
I have been truly blessed with a dear friend and a wonderful housekeeper who both visit my mom weekly as I work 50+ hours a week
I hope your mom adapts to the facilty as my mm has not after 5-mos and I've just returned after midnight from trying to settle her down for the night - I have very little good to say about big reputable memory care with nice physical buildings but insufficient care -

I am now in a difficult situation of having to file a grievance but not having an alternative facility for my near 93 year old mom and she can be stubborn and feisty - her short term memory is gone but she knows she's been locked up

Please let us know how it goes and if you have any questions
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JJ good luck today!
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JJ, how did the move go? We learn from each other here, so let us know what worked and what didn't.
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Hi Babalou, the plan worked quite well. At the airport I pretended to get a phone call from my hubby stating that I needed to stay and wait for him to catch another plane for a business trip, but that he had arranged for a ride for Mom and Family Friend. I walked them to the car, they got in and apparently it all went off just fine. They got her in the building, she was greeted by lots of friendly faces, they had dinner, took a tour, showed her the room. Once all the "staff" left however, she got pretty ugly with the Family Friend. Family Friend was going to spend the night, but after several rounds of my Mom being ugly and yelling, and almost violent, she went to get help and the help encouraged her to leave. I think it was possible she (Family Friend) was actually making things worse without even realizing it, because apparently they got Mom to bed, she had a good night, ate breakfast etc. Her caregiver showed up from 10-2 and they played ping pong, did crossword puzzles with another resident, etc. etc. The update from the caregiver was that Mom tagged along to the activities (but I suspect it's only because the caregiver was there and she thinks that she is her granddaughter)
Staff at the memory place have told me not to come visit until Monday, they want Mom to get used to the routine, the meals, and hopefully make a few friends.
When Mom was nasty to the Family Friend, she kept saying how angry she was at me for not telling her ahead of time. NOT that she would have remembered anyway.
I will continue to keep you posted, in the meantime, I'm catching up on laundry, going to go out to dinner with friends, and going to put in some decent hours at work this week!
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By the way, we have told Mom that she is there for "Memory Therapy" and that the doctor prescribed it, and this is one of the best places around to receive the therapy. They will be giving her speech therapy just to give her some extra attention and gauge how she is transitioning. We are all alluding to the fact that it's temporary, that she might actually see an improvement with her memory issues, and at least now she gets an opportunity to make friends with people her own age and have a little independence. She complained about living in the "dungeon" in my home (the basement) so there has also been some teasing that at least she is out of the dungeon.
I'm pretty certain when she sees me, I will be receiving lots of "take me to your house" so I'm kind of glad I get a week "off" before I have to go face the fire.
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That's good news JJGood19. It sounds like things did go pretty smoothly. I told my cousin about the same as you did about how she was there for therapy for her body and memory. Eventually, she forgot that it was not her home, but at first she asked when she was going home over and over during my visits. She would forget that I had just explained that it depended on her progress and the doctor would make that call. It sounds like you are prepared for those questions though.
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Yea! I'm ridiculously pleased - considering this doesn't really effect me. But I've come to think of this site as a more compassionate and understanding group of good friends. A victory for one can be shared by all! Telling your mom this is dr ordered and temporary is definitely the right way to go, in my opinion. Fingers crossed for you that soon your mother will be engaged, making friends and come to think of this as her new home. Now - go do something wickedly decadent for yourself!
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UPDATE:
Sunnygirl, looks like I will be answering lots of similar "take me home" questions.
Mom had her third full day today at the Memory Care. All three days the caregiver has been with her for about four hours encouraging her to do the activities and meet the other residents. Today I received a good update from the caregiver, but then this evening received a phone call from the evening nurse (this is the first time she's met Mom) and she said that my Mom was upset because she thought I was coming to pick her up this evening.
I explained to the nurse that "I was on a business trip till Monday" which was the recommended time for me to wait till I could go visit. The nurse decided it would be OK to talk to Mom, so this is the first time I've gotten to talk to her.
She sounded pretty pitiful, very confused and kind of sad, but the nurse said afterwards that she seemed better having heard my voice. Mom asked when I was picking her up, and I told her I was out of town and wouldn't see her till Monday -- then we had this long back and forth about what day it was today and how many days till Monday, only to have it three more times. (Mom sundowns worse on some days, today was definitely one of those -- very confused and scared I think)
Mom also said to never let her out of my front door again, she was coming back to live with me. I didn't even try to talk about it, just tried distracting her.
I have a feeling the first few visits are going to be HARD!!!!
In the meantime I've had lunch out with girlfriends and a massage! Yay.
Have to cover for someone at work all day tomorrow (not Yay) and the first Saturday I have free from watching my Mom in two months I get to watch the grandsons! ha! At least the boys don't follow me from room to room.

Does anyone successfully take their parent in memory care for outings? I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to take her out because she might refuse to go back. I'd love to get her back to all her activities: weight training with a trainer at the gym, volunteering at the humane society, playing cribbage at the senior center, going to her weekly AA meetings, and going for walks.
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JJ
Your mom sounds a lot like mine
After 5- mos of memory care I believe the most difficult time for the residents is after dinner until bedtime - staff is busy putting folks to bed and the pour souls with behavior problems are often left unattended in the common area - my mom spends these hours looking and waiting for me to come home from work - 2-3x a week I go in the evening and help her get ready for bed and stay until she falls asleep
It may be very difficult for you to leave after your visit since she might expect to go with you
I had a made a routine of taking mom out for Sunday dinner and a movie but tw weeks ago she put up a fit and refused to go back in - it was scary but next day I noticed a bruise on her arm that looked like a hand print so I suspect she may have had an encounter with another resident - this is scary for me as the men can feet violent and even the women hit
her mood has improved since and I'm thinking of taking her out this Sunday - I hate the thought of her not being able to leave as after all I placed her there for a better quality of life than a nursing home
she's had a tough few months with a bad fall in her room requiring a trip to the ER and several UTIs -
Let us know how the first visit goes
I spend a fair amount of time there each week keeping an eye on things and getting to know the staff - this isn't easy
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All in all, JJ, great news!
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Uuugghh!!! Thanks all for posting, - I know - knew - this will be the WORST day of my life...........or the FIRST OF THE WORST days of my life - if - when - we place mom at a "place"........................I am scared outta my skin. Sorry for not being upbeat and positive at this particular moment, but I am very scared.

Whoah.............sniff sniff............sniff........... meighteight
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JJGood19,
When you do arrive for your visit, I would take something that you can talk about, since she will likely be asking about leaving, how long, etc. I'd have the short answers ready and the re-directions. I would pull out the magazine or calendar with cute kittens and start pointing to which one was her favorite, how I liked that color blouse on her, show me the tv room, here's a nice snack and do you want it now, etc. Soon, you have lots of things to talk about when leaving comes up.

Another thing that I did was to allow her to believe that she made the right decision to check into rehab. I would praise her for making that decision and tell her that I supported her completely. I think that made her feel more in control. I think she had forgotten that the doctor and I had insisted she enter the place.

I would use caution when taking her from the facility. She could yell and refuse to get back into the car, which would scare me. But, what I did encounter was that she became disoriented and forgot she lived in the facility. She became frightened and asked why she was there. It took a while for me to show her around and get the staff and other residents to comfort her. I will not do that again.
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Hi JJ,

PLEASE tell us how's it going? Would you? I'm concerned and interested, since some day, what you are experiencing will be my turn.

Hugs,
M88
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Hi M88, thanks for asking. Hubby and I dropped in for about an hour and 20 minutes today. She was very happy to see me, but broke down in tears several times asking if she could please come live with me. It about broke my heart, but I stuck to the story about following doctors orders and wanting the best medical care possible for her. She seemed to like that part.
We sat with her at lunch, but we had already eaten, then we walked in the courtyard a little bit. I brought her a book by her favorite author, one of her cups that she likes to drink her Diet Coke in, and a card that someone mailed to her from back home. When we left I told her we had to go to the office, but that I would be coming to have breakfast with her in the morning, so she liked that....all in all, it was a decent visit.
The caretaker is going to take her to play cribbage tomorrow at the senior center for her first outing, and Wednesday I'm going by to join in the art class with Mom.
I will keep you posted.
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JJGood19, oh my. That visit sounds fantastic! You must be thrilled.
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I am so happy for you all.
If mom is happy, we're all happy. (Have you ever heard that saying b4?).

I have the tendency of anticipating the worst case scenario. I need to knock that off.

Thank you for the update, and please let us know how things go.

Thinking of you,

M 8 8
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Another successful visit....I don't want to get my hopes up, and I know there are good days and bad days, but the breakfast visit was a success, in fact Mom didn't ask one time about living with me. The caretaker also took her to play cribbage at the senior center, and they had a fun time, and Mom went right back to the memory care place without a hitch. The activities director also told me that she's been very good about participating in activities like "chair yoga" which she would normally look down on as not real exercise.
Thanks everyone for all the support, it's been so helpful.
I will let you know how the art class visit goes!
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Great update, JJ!
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Very good!
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I'm so happy for you and your mother. I know what you mean about getting your hopes up. Things can change, but it is so nice that she is adapting and enjoying herself.
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It's so stressful to move into a facility, and with Alzheimer's any changes to normal routine and surroundings can make them act out. My mom yelled and screamed in the lobby that she was higher than all the other people in there. They suggested I leave, and I guess the show was over for a while. They don't always do this, but for some, they suggest you don't visit for one week at first. It's awful, I felt like the worse daughter and I was actually grieving myself. The second week, they suggested we just call. I started to think, what are these people doing? The main nurse who has been there for many years, actually had her own 94 year old mother there with this disease. It seems to be working, a month later, she still asks to go home, that's not going away. She can still converse. The other day my son asked his grandma, "Granny do you like it here?" She said, "Yes!" I was relieved. Get her signed up for activities, my mom goes to painting and ceramics now.
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My daughter and I went to join Mom for the art class today, the caregiver was there too, and all four of us colored along with the other regulars. What a funny group, lots of chit chat with the others, lots of real talent....anyway, we had a good time. My daughter said later, she had never seen my Mom smile so much, even when she was living with us.
There were a few questions about how long she was supposed to stay, but no crying! Yay! Tomorrow the caregiver takes Mom to the gym to work out with the personal trainer, and I know that will go over well.
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I popped in today for a 15 minute visit, brought Mom a book and some Diet Coke, they were just beginning "story time" which the director of activities wasn't sure Mom would enjoy, but she sat down expectantly, hugged me good bye and seemed very pleased about our plans for Monday. Monday is the first time I am taking her out, to the gym for a work out...fingers crossed and double crossed!!!
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JJ, so sorry you had to go through this with your mother. It sounds like it went about as well as it could have, given the circumstances. They don't understand they need help, its difficult for seniors to lose everything familiar and to adjust to new surroundings, and the dementia makes it harder. When Mom was moved to the NH, she was in pretty bad shape, mentally and physically, yet she kept asking when she could go home. (The home she kept talking about was the one she lived in when she first married my father.) We told her this is her home until she gets stronger and feels better and then we can talk about going back. With her dementia, that seemed to satisfy her temporarily, until she forgot the conversation and we went over it again. But, it worked better than telling her she would never leave.
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JJ, great things are going so well for your mom! Not many are able to do as well!
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