How is everyone here going to do Thanksgiving while being a full time caregiver?

gladimhere: that is hilliarious! But wow, you are going through it, aren't you. So true...a more than a full time job with no pay. I make myself believe that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It took quite a while to believe that. I've gone through alot of anger, resentment and stress. But now I'm just resigned to it, and try to keep my chin up. I've even got an adult daughter living here with me who is NO help at all, and I think is really the cause of alot of my stress...not to mention keeping my blood pressure up! Regardless, I'm going to try to make it a good day. Hope you and everyone else does too. :)

And of course those nights that there is yelling I need to go upstairs to calm mom.

Solegiver-
The only reason I asked if you are 24/7 is to make you realize that what you are doing is a 24/7 job, much more than what most people consider a full time job! I know it is difficult, as I care for my mom with Alzheimer's and her husband with general age related decline. But I think he is beginning to develop dementia as well, to many things that should be remembered that are not. I sleep in the basement directly below their bedroom and in this 60 year old house the floors creak substantially, I wake each time they are up and between two of them it is probably five or six times each night, wait for the toilet flush and creaking floors back to bed. And from 5:00 am on, I sometimes wonder how many people are sleeping in that room, it is a constant parade back and forth it seems. There are also nights when I hear them yelling at each other because both wear hearing aids. My mom is trying to get him to go home because she doesn't want her little girls, that are now all in their 50's, to know she is sleeping with someone. Gotta love it! ;)

Twenty years ago my MIL hosted Thanksgiving will her children and stepchildren. That meant the ex-wife, who had cancer, was going to be alone. So my MIL invited her and they sat on either side of my FIL at the head of the table. They spent the entire dinner making fun of him. It was the best, most hilarious Thanksgiving I ever attended.

gladimhere, I'm a 24/7 caregiver. And in the past week, dad has woken me up 3-4 times in the middle of the night! And then he's awake at 8 am! But you gotta do what you gotta do, right!? :)
RebeccaJ and 58yroldchild, I can relate very well with you, and I feel your pain. All the best to you.
assandache7, I appreciate everyone's input :)

I am going to stay home and cook for my dad and husband, gonna do the whole nine yards minus the siblings. I have 4 brothers and sisters, all relatively close, rare phone calls let alone visits (my brother says he has a family to attend to!!) 86 year old dad's mobility and balance are very poor, he has CHF and has recently found out how bad his heart is, he is operating at 30%. Add in dementia, lymphodema and the fact that he is a really big man, it can be really taxing as you all know. So, I hope they all have fun taking "care of their families," maybe someone will pony up and call dad. Not one of them has any idea of what a day as a full time caregiver is like. Blessings to all of you in caregiverland!

While over the years it has always been nice that my ex-SIL has included us in family functions for the sake of the grandchildren, who now have children, I couldn't believe that she expected me to bring Mother to her house for Thanksgiving. She knew Mother wasn't up to the last two functions.

Maybe she was just being polite or maybe she doesn't realize how bad she's gotten. She hasn't seen or talked with Mother in about 3 or 4 months, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

I explained that Mother is very feeble, in fact I just got her a wheel chair and had hand rails installed all around the house. All the people that are usually there would just confuse Mother. So she and I and maybe my brother are just staying home. Today I pick up catered meals -- easier than cooking and tomorrow I'll reheat. I doubt she'll eat hardly anything.

I did say that it would be nice if people had time to stop for a short visit, it would make her happy. The one grandson did call to say on his way back to Virginia from PA, on Saturday afternoon, he and his family would stop. I think small individual visits will be nicer for her. She gets tired quickly.

Solegiver-
Are you a full time caregiver, 40 hours a week, or a 24/7? There is a very big difference.

Hey Royal ? , take your own advice and Don't express your advice with others!!!!!

Solegiver that is wonderful!! And I totally agree with you about your Mom being with you... Hugs.

Well, I guess a miracle has happened, and my sisters who live near by are going to come over here to the house to have TG dinner with our dad and me. They are even bringing food. I do realize why they are doing this, but I'm going to set that aside, and enjoy seeing my dad be happy to have his other daughters here. There are actually ten of us. Seven girls, three boys. My mom and brothers are all deceased. So it will be four of his daughters here. (First time in ages!) The others live out of state and cannot make it. I felt my mom's spirit yesterday so strong. Maybe she had some doing in this! :) I wish you all a loving positive time tomorrow and hoping we all keep the strength to carry on regardless!

I've taken care of my mom for 5 years, she barely can walk, she has a touch of dementia and to much more to list, I go from my apt to her mobile home everyday to make sure she is okay, I have medical alert which is great but I use my family to help also if I can't be around or I just do the best I can, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I am 48 and it's taken my life away and now I'm trying to find a nursing home but she can't afford it and the insurance doesn't cover that much so I am just trying my best and looking for help financial from an insurance company or state funded resources.Its hard but ask god for help and keep doing your best since that's all you can do, I will pray for everyone in my situation

I like HolyCow's suggestion - invite the sisters over for a Thanksgiving visit. Is that something they might do? It could even be Friday or Saturday.

Most of us are so much busy in our lives that we have not time for our elders. We do not even think that they treats us very well in our childhood. However, i will suggest you to be relax and continue to have care for your dad. Do not express it with others.

Ugh!! I'm getting stressed out.. I know how my Mom is going to be anxious today and especially tomorrow. I haven't seen my son in 6 weeks and he'll be home tonight and I know my Mom will want all the attention.

But I have to have thanksgiving here because ironically it will be less stressful for Mom!!! Lol

And the weather is awful, which is an added bonus! You'd think we had a hole in the roof and no heat by the way my Mom is talking about it!!!

Sole: What would you think about asking your sisters to stop by during the day on Thanksgiving and just visit with Dad for a few minutes. They can have their big Thanksgiving get together at sisters house but make a point of hopping in the car and driving over to see Dad. If they had any decency they would have at least offered that and brought you both plates of food.

I am constantly amazed at people anymore and how selfish and self serving they can be. My heart goes out to you and Dad!!

At our house, I am cooking for the rest of the family and caring for Mom. My mother is still able to get around and may even help me chop up a few things if she is in the right mood. No one is bringing anything no one ever does but I am happy to see them anyway.

God Bless You Both!

What a wonderful son. I hope the storm is light and traveling easy along his route. You raised a good one, Boni.

My son, his wife and my 3 grandchildren are driving 1000 miles to spend T.G. with me and Mom, smack in the middle of that storm. (Any prayers would be appreciated). My son just told me.....Mom, besides the yukky stuff, I'm gonna take care of Gramma. I want you to have fun with the kids, and let me take care of everything else. I am so blessed. Hope you ALL have a blessed Holiday as well.

cmcwrinkl1 enjoy your time "alone". Your hubby sounds like a real keeper, LOL - how sweet of him to invite his sister and son for Thanksgiving. I hope you two can have some nice time together and your mom does OK with your sister.

Cmcwrinkl1 what's fantastic!!! Enjoy every minute!!

My sister surprised me by inviting Mom, who lives with me, to their house for Thanksgiving. This will give my husband and me a much needed break. They are keeping Mom for 3 nights. I'm driving her over (2 hours) and they will bring her back. I can hardly think what I will do with all that free time in my home.

I thought my husband and I would have a nice Thanksgiving day alone but the caregiving urge never stops. He invited his sister and her son for dinner so that they would not be alone. But at least we will have other time to ourselves.

Sole-
You are absolutely right, it is about them.

Thanks for all your responses. It's good to see that some get family together! I do get dad in a special chair called a Geri-chair. But it is so cumbersome and heavy, there's no way to move him around (outside) in it! It's interesting that they've only visited him once when he had to go to the IPU for a few days (at hospice center for my respite). A friend told me it's obvious why they only want to do something on a holiday....it's really to make THEMSELVES feel better. Not my dad or me!

Most of us, when we have a vulnerable loved one, want to take care of them. We need help and we hope that there should be someone to help us. However, it is heartening to know that our own relatives do not come forward to help us. In most of the cases, we are not willing to have strangers take over the care of our loved ones, and our loved ones normally are not excited about that idea, either.
However, outside care eventually becomes a necessity for many. As in your case @solegiver, you might need someone to help you take care of your dad.
Do you think that an assisted living facility or a nursing home is an option?

Last year my husband was on hospice in November. I hosted a family dinner the weekend before Thanksgiving. All of our children and their children and his ex-wife showed up, about 25 people. I had hoped he would be able to join us for a little while, but he remained in bed. The only one who hadn't recently visited was his ex-wife, and I made sure she got a few minutes with him. They both seemed glad for that.

On Thanksgiving day itself he was feeling a little more chipper and I took him around the neighborhood a bit in his wheelchair and then we had a nice traditional meal supplied by Hospice. He died a week later.

This year my mother (93, dementia) is in rehab. One of my brothers will eat there with her. She loves the food there and is looking forward to it. This brother is particularly good with her. He doesn't care for large gatherings and she often hasn't felt like going out, so he has had many holiday meals with her since she's been a widow. My sister is hosting a very large gathering. I'll be there. Mom would be there, too, if she weren't in the transitional care unit, but I think this year it is probably just as well she has an alternative to the boisterous gathering.

Solegiver, obviously your sisters don't comprehend the situation. I don't know if they sincerely want to see their father for one last holiday, or if they'd like him there as kind of an ornament, as a symbol of their family spirit. But either way he obviously can't be there. I kind of like lsmiami's suggestion about the cards!

At his age in his condition and in hospice, you are absolutely right, moving him to a holiday dinner would not be the least bit enjoyable for either of you. I would buy a nice holiday card and send it to each sister, I would right a nice note advising that dad's condition prevents you from sharing with them and that dad would be very thankful for their visit as this will likely be his final holiday season.

Get a sappy card at Hallmark.....just a different way to ask them to visit, but the Holiday spirit may guilt them.

If they visit, maybe they will open their eyes and hearts.

I am sorry, it is a difficult Holiday for you.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the family ever said, "We'll come pick up Dad (or Mom) at the house, then bring him (her) back"? It is more like they say they'll do something if we'll do all the heavy lifting. I would absolutely love for my family to give me a day vacation by coming to get her for the day. I know it isn't going to happen.

Sole, I can certainly identify with two siblings within 10 miles. One wanted to host, but I explained just too hard on mom. So, I offered if she wanted to cook, she could certainly do it here. Would you be surprised if I told you I never received any sort of reply? Nope, probably not. So, after two weeks, said to heck with them and planned a nice, quiet Thanksgiving meal for mom, her husband, and me with one of my friends. And my mom is not bed bound. I simply cannot imagine your siblings even asking you to take him out! And you are right, because they don't assist, they just do not get it, nor will they ever. In previous years I have also told siblings if they want mom there they would need to pick up and bring home, I would take a break, that didn't go over well either, oh well. That is just the way it is.