Thanksgiving; HOW do you all manage relatives descending?

Foley, I can see where you’ve made up your mind and accepted their descent on your home. However, your niece thinking how fun to bring her new puppie is ridiculous! This is one place where you need to put your foot down and ask her to board it. New puppies are not house trained and like to chew on everything! Since you decided to let them have their way that’s at least one thing you can ask for. Also I might suggest you check out or purchase a book on setting boundaries once this holiday is over. I’ve gotten pretty thick skinned as I've been on this journey and have no problem with the word No!
I had a hip replacement last week so that got me out of any Thanksgiving duties. Including seeing my dad who doesn’t care what day it is. I’ll be at home with a dinner we ordered and watching the telly!

Can you go out yourself?
let the “family” do their own song and dance, and tell them you’d like the day off.
And why cook? There’s tons of supermarkets that prepare the meal... and who says it has to be Turkey? Overrated! (My sister in law is vegetarian so we often do lasagne!) one pan!
Take the day off for YOU!

Do you have regular family meetings where you keep your siblings informed of mom's condition?
If there isn't regular lines of communication then that always leads to misunderstandings.

You could do a few things.
1. Inform your sister that Brother is at XXX Hotel and she can reserve rooms there as well. If the cats are a comfort to mom you do not want to have to deny her of that comfort by confining them to one area.
(alternate on this check with your vet as to how much it will cost sister to board her dog for the number of days she will be visiting)
If extra people confuse and agitate mom then you must tell her that she can not stay at the house because of the way it effects mom.

2. Tell everyone that you will be ordering dinner and that it will cost each person $XX..xx (If a full Thanksgiving meal is $70.00 from the local grocery store and there will be 5 people in your brothers family, 2 in sisters and you and mom that is less than $8.00 per person. And you don't have to shop, clean, cook, clean up.

Don't let people run you over for the holidays.

Agree with others. Give sister hotel info and that she can’t bring puppy to the house. Can be dangerous to have a puppy running around an elderly person’s feet and could trip her up. Your cats are obviously sensitive to mom and you won’t pen them. Also tell them either brothers plan of eating out works for you or they can order the meal to bring in. Some supermarkets do a pretty good job. Hope it ends up being a lovely and special family holiday!

Sounds like you need to speak up and as caregiver, inform your relatives what would work for YOU and your Mom. Since they have already told you their plans, tell them yours. Hope you can minimize stress. Kroger and other stores do offer a full turkey dinner so have your brother pick it up and bring to the house if they want to eat there. No dogs allowed at your house! Good luck.

First, you seem to need some help saying no to these people, or even telling them how things will go. What is the family dynamic? All these good ideas won’t work if you can’t do them. I am concerned for you that your siblings will use the opportunity to tell you how to handle mom. Or plan for an inheritance that is unfair to you. I hope you can foresee trouble coming and plan how you want to handle it. One thing you might do is bring issues up yourself. Then don’t wait for them to tell you how to handle things- tell them what they need to do to share the work. Maybe write it down so you don’t get sidetracked. Thanksgiving will be over and you can get on with life, but if they start making changes in your and moms arrangement that could be devastating for both of you. I hope you have a POLST and power of attorney and are a trustee on her trust. If not get them before they arrive!

Last year, I nipped the problem in the bud. I live with and care for my parents (now one). Every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc., I cleaned, decorated, cooked, etc. the feasts at their house. They enjoyed the company and only having to host.

Last year in February, my Dad's main doctor told me he had less than 2 weeks to live. He wanted to died at home, so I did not check him into the VA. He had a rally and perked up. His friends all came to see him. When late October came around, he was still alive, but failing. I called every relative that was usually invited for the holiday feasts, and let them know I was no longer having guests for the holidays and the oldsters could not travel. This also included all other holiday feasts. My parents are/were in their 90s, and I was tired. It was time for someone else to handle the family feasts. No one has stepped up to the plate. I did cook a much smaller Thanksgiving dinner for my parents and son. My Dad died in December. His funeral was on Christmas Eve. Cooked a small Christmas dinner for my Mother and son.

Just tell them you cannot have the entire family for the holidays. Too much work and stress. I recommend you read the book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by John Townsend. Take care of yourself.

Ask yourself, what would be the ideal for holidays for you and your mom? Do you like to host: the decorating, the cleaning, the cooking, the having people over...? Does mom do well with have people in or is it easier to go "out" and return to your "normal home"? Consider costs and what is feasible?

It seems that your family have decided what works best for them without considering what works best for you and mom. Are you comfortable with them making these kinds of plans on a regular basis in this manner? If not, please talk to them about what works best for you... and mom. Maybe this can be a one time option - if you are able and comfortable in making it work. If it is too difficult, consider how you and mom can celebrate without them or a get together on another day with extended family. Just because somebody else hosts a party doesn't mean you have to attend.

Just a suggestion, but set boundaries now before it gets too close to Thanksgiving. Sounds like sister should see about a hotel room too. Who’s doing all the work? If it’s going to be you, then think of going out and coming back to Moms for pie and visiting. You have to think of yourself too. If it’s stressful for one, it more than likely be stressful for others. What do you and Mom want? Good luck

Sounds like brother might have best idea, but the sis staying with y’all tells me they both are pretty clueless.
Tell then now, this will not work for us and why.

Oof. Time to break out the old, "That won't work for me." Followed by a statement of what will work for you. Time is rather of the essence so you will have to address this right away.

Tell them flat out Mother's no longer able to go out. Fine if they come and stay in hotel - that you are not able to host them in Mom's house and it is far too disruptive for her. If they just walk in - say you are going out and they can take stay and take care of Mom for however long - and leave. They won't take you up on it and if they do great! Let them see what it is like living with Mom as she is now (not their remembrance of childhood). The ones who do nothing always can tell the hands on do-ers what to do. Don't listen. Also, draw up a legal plan as to what happens if something happens to Mom - do you get house - will it be sold? - allow for monetary compensation for your time as caregiver (or is house to be that compensation?) If she needs SNF - does she have money to pay for it - or state could take house when she passes. Time for an elder care attorney talk .

I do not celebrate gluttony, that is, "feast days," being against Seventh Day Adventists so there is zero stress when it comes to holidays.

Learn to say no. Trust me it gets easier.

Some wonderful advise from all. You have to decide what works best for and is enjoyable for you (and mom). If you do decide to "entertain," I totally agree with the "keep it simple" crowd! The family farm here has traditionally been the gathering place for our large family at Thanksgiving (Christmas is quieter), and I don't like to deny the younger generation memories of holiday gatherings here (dad agrees and enjoys the youngens). So it is what it is until my dad's situation changes drastically. Several years ago I discovered Honeysuckle turkey breast tenderloins (about 30oz ea.) in the grocer's meat dept that cook up in 45min or so. They always turn out perfect, moist, flavorful. Everybody raves, even the "dark meat" lovers and kids. No more thawing, basting, baking, deboning, carving. I buy 4 in varying seasonings for a group of 20 adults +half doz kids. (Thankfully a much smaller group this year...and we may just go out to eat and come back here for dessert!) Each family volunteers or is assigned items to bring: sides, dessert, beverage, ice, dinnerware, etc. Daughter and nieces have clean-up duty while I take a nap with a toddler and my dad naps in his recliner. Yes, a lot of cleaning and prep and post-cleaning that totally poops me out, but thankfully there is always some reasonable calm after the storm.

This reminds me of my family in the distant past. In my mom's state of mind now she sometimes latches on to past experiences of relatives descending and thinks it's happening again. It's quite horrible for her. When she was still in her house she once locked all our doors and closed the drapes and sat in a darkened house most of the day expecting that they would be on her porch any time. I could not convince her that they were not coming. (They were in fact all dead). She eventually decided she would let them in but was not feeding them. It took up an entire day and evening. Luckily she finally was convinced they had made other plans.

I am all for the idea of you leaving for the weekend and letting everyone else have a lovely Thanksgiving in the house. As soon as my children were raised I have almost always opted to have holidays with friends, not family.

I've been in your shoes. My advise is to Inform those planning on staying at your mom's that they will need to secure a hotel room that accepts pets. (Perhaps give a phone# to a local reputable hotel)...This is your cats home as well and they will not be locked away. . Since they took it upon themselves to self invite, inform them that you have no time or energy to prep for all guests wants and needs. Let MOM decide if you are eating in or out. If eating out, you're only responsibility is to get mom prepped and ready to go. Or... let your siblings do it.
If mom decides to eat in, let sister do all the shopping, prep and cooking and sis can feel like she is contributing while you tend to mom. SIL could stay at the hotel during dinner then you can visit at the hotel and bring her a plate of food...Brother can either take you somewhere for another meal or have a meal at his hotel or whatever. For heavens sake..... have a backbone and don't let them dictate what Mom is going to do!! Do what your mom wants to do and tell them know what the plans are. Perhaps they can take mom for the day and let you get some well deserved rest if you are too miffed at them. Stand your ground! If they don't like it...oh well.....Good luck!!

Vodka and Xanax 😉..kidding
I'm in the same boat....I buy the food, prepare it and clean up and wealthy sister shows up with dinner rolls and takes leftovers.
I haven't had a day off from being the caregiver in 2 1/2 years so it's great adding even more stress...😕😕😕

Oh, I could have so much fun with this. Elderly mother in law with dementia here and she couldn't care less about Thanksgiving dinner. I'd be out burning hot dogs on the grill with only mustard for a condiment. "Yall eat all yall want!" MIL loves hot dogs.

I handled it with honesty. If you cannot handle the extra "company" - tell them that you are not having Thanksgiving this year.

I am sorry that you are letting others dictate what you have to do for Thanksgiving. And all because it's what your mother wants and to avoid a fit by your sister.

How did it come to be that they all think so little of you, considering what you have given up by living with your mother and taking care of her?

I wish you would go on a trip and leave your mother in your siblings' care.

This could be a teachable moment. Tell your sister that she will have to stay elsewhere. Go out for dinner with the plan of pies/desserts back at mom's. Let them see what mom goes through with the transition of restaurant to home so that they understand mom's situation.

I think it's wonderful that they all get along well enough to want to come. My son and daughter don't speak to each other anymore and although we live in same city I have to initiate any get-togethers. I did get to see more of my son when his 2 daughters were too young to be left alone; my daughter is unmarried with no kids, but spends holidays with her father (my ex) in nursing home. She has made his care her full-time job (an RN, she resigned from hospital where she had worked for 25 years). This year I am the one who is traveling with a small group of strangers to South America for the Thanksgiving holiday.

I’m so glad that I quit the holidays years ago! Be thankful at Thanksgiving for quitting miserable holidays with obnoxious relatives!

Give a wonderful gift to yourself at Christmas by not doing Christmas either!

You say, "I'm sorry. We won't be able to host this year. If one of you wants to pick mom up and take her to your house. That will be great." Don't allow yourself to be a doormat! Or, I would take off for the day and say "thanks for giving me a break today!"

I would assign to each of the the dish they must bring.
you will not be cooking or cleaning up....so they need to get an order in..wherever.

next...the dogs are NOT invited. It is bad enough they invite themselves into a situation that is already too difficult...but dogs too? I think not.

if they do not like your plan...remind them they invited themselves, you are just trying to accommodate The situation.

Save yourself, so have dinner catered & give the bill to bro & sis as 'their contribution' as you are providing the venue because this will be better for your mom who is the most important person to be considered - be happy with the cats otherwise they'd all be staying with you

Here in Canada, we are more civilized by having Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October .... LOL - it marks the end of summer as well as cottage closing - better weather & more space between the turkeys

Stop Enabling, Put down your Foot and use your Turkey Wish Bone, Get on that PHONE..ASAP!!! Even if thye do Come, Hun, Not at your Place.xx

Tell them that, honestly, you were not planning on cooking Thanksgiving meal at all due to the demands of taking care of your mom.  You would love them to visit, but in order for this to happen, Thanksgiving preparations are their responsibility.  See what mom is agreeable to (at home or out) and give brother and sister a couple options, certainly not limiting them, but just suggestions, and tell them they can split the expense.  And sis will have to stay at a hotel - no other way to accommodate mom's needs!  They'll either make it happen, or you'll never see them do this again.  Also, I'd throw in that, as long as they are here for the weekend, you've planned to have some away time which you desperately need,  so they can visit with mom alone.  T

A quick phone call to all. "Now hold on, just a minute. No one contacted me for full updates on what can or can not be handled here and this is what can and can not take place. Period!!!