Thanksgiving; HOW do you all manage relatives descending?

Tell your sister she is welcome to cook thanksgiving for mom and visit with her while you go out to dinner with your brother. Then you'll all gather at mom's home for desert.

If they propose anything inconvenient say " oh, I couldn't possibly do THAT".

Oh no! That doesn’t work for you. What gives them the right to plan things exactly as they like and not discuss it with you beforehand? They can’t expect you to automatically follow suit.

You make Thanksgiving comfortable according to your liking. All you can do is offer a few suggestions, then let them figure it out. It’s so hard getting everyone to agree on something. There has to be some sort of compromise.

Holidays can become so stressful! Nip it in the bud by telling them your plans and do as you wish. They can do as they wish. None of us have the power to change anyone else.

I rather like your brother's approach, I can't really fault him for being clueless that mom might not be good going out of the house. I understand that many supermarkets do take out Thanksgiving meals so that might work better?

As for your sister.... Are you saying she is expecting to stay with you? I love Barb's response "oh, I couldn't possibly do THAT", I would tell her where brother is staying and urge her to hurry to see if there are still rooms free so she doesn't miss out.

"Free rooms would be nice!"
Maybe brother can pay for them?

My thing with holidays-what do all these no see-um relatives do the rest of the year? I'm not saying yours but all of ours in general.
This year is going to be quiet for me. I can already tell.
good luck and hope things work out.

Foleydaughter:
It is wonderful that your family wants to get together for Thanksgiving.
Consider that you are "discussing" the plans now with them, by e-mails, since you were not consulted in advance. Just because their plans are delivered to you rudely, does not make it a real plan unless your input is accepted.
I could be called "enabling", but I just want you to have a good Thanksgiving too! So, I am going to suggest a solution, based upon what I have read so far.

It would be helpful to know what you and your family has done in the past to get together, prior to Mom's decline? What were your plans, if any, and what would you like to see happen? And, if family has traditionally gathered at Mom's, consider that yes, they are "clueless" and missing that tradition.

Here is your response to their offers to visit:

Dear brother and sister:
So happy to hear that you are coming for Thanksgiving! I have discussed your visit with Mom. We will be serving sandwiches from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. that day.
Other than that, you are welcome to bring any food pre-cooked and ready to serve. We cannot attend a restaurant event however. We will be home, as we are everyday since Mom's decline.
There will be no dogs, as we cannot accommodate them nor can we pen the cats. Sincerely hope (niece) can find a place to board her dog, because I would love to see her!
You may choose to stay with brother at this hotel:...
Looking forward to seeing you all on Thanksgiving!

Love, Sis

Foley, what do you feel about overnight with sister and niece at your house?
Will that work if she does not bring her dog? Are you experiencing any burnout? If so, you stay at the hotel and sister and niece can stay at the house overnight? Go out for some fun with brother and his wife?

Hoping if you state your needs and preferences (or rules), that they will still come, and it could be a better day. At the very least, they will see for themselves your Mom. A chance does exist that Mom will be on her best behaviors, or even "show-timing", and no one will learn anything, and go on their merry ways.
imo.

I recall a hysterical(to me) answer to a post last year. It stated that it was hoped that all the visiting relatives would expect to be eating the bland pureed food that is prepared every day for Mother.

Who owns the house you r living in. If Moms, then I can see where sister feels she can pick rooms and bring the dog. If ur house then you have a right telling niece sorry, no dog. You are not keeping your cats penned up during their stay. If Moms house just nicely ask that the dog be left home.

What you need to do is have brother and sister talk to each other. Let them hash out TG plans. Explaining that Mom does not do well out of the house. Maybe sister will change her mind and eat out. Maybe Mom will do well eating out with family. My Mom surprised me when we ate TG out and we had to wait to be seated. I sat her near my brother and let him and his wife do for her.

If you have one of the rooms sister picked then tell her sorry, thats my room so u need to use this one.

We did Bob Evans a couple of years back. My SIL didn't think a 8 people meal was enough so we ordered an xtra 4. We didn't need the 4. It was great and DH thinks we could do it again.

I think your brother is trying to be considerate by lightening your load with other accommodations and a restaurant meal; he's just not in touch with your mother's needs. Your sister is apparently really comfortable considering your home as her favorite hotel or home away from home. Neither of your siblings are very considerate about _asking_ before planning for others. Are you by any chance the youngest?

I would reply with an email announcing Mom and you will be celebrating Thanksgiving with a catered meal at 1:00p(?), since Mom enjoys neither restaurants nor late meals anymore. Then ask your brother if he would like to pick up the meal on his way over. Most catered meals include the turkey or ham and basic meal choices (mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, rolls); you can add a couple of family favorites for a really nice meal with a minimum effort.

I would consider letting your sister and niece pen the cats (moving the litter box and crates) when they arrive and freeing them prior to leaving. I would probably be informing them of which rooms they could use. Assuming your sister has stayed with you during previous holiday visits, she probably thinks you expected her to stay this time around too. I know you are ticked and I agree you have a right to be; however, you probably don't want to have a big argument over it. You could thank your brother (in your sister's presence) for being so considerate helping out by staying at the hotel and purchasing the catered meal so you didn't have to work so hard on the holiday.

OK then, pureed sandwiches served cold, from 2-4 p.m. Lol.
A N D . . . . . Thanksgiving in D E C E M B E R !!!

I am enjoying this question Foley. Humor is to lighten up, and hopefully it is not at your expense. You are justified in being shocked by your siblings.

Just to test out family dysfunctions, I emailed a family member asking if she has Thanksgiving plans, and would she like to include us and a visit?
She replied already.....
"That sounds fun!" "Maybe in December" "I will keep you posted".

Mwah ha ha ha. Yes, this really happened. True that!

Quietly and keep it to yourself, grab your purse, keys to car and say you have to run an errand.    Splurge on TWO movies and let them deal while you're out.  In fact, get a pedicure too.   Maybe meet with a friend for a while.  Take your own mini vacation away while all your family is there.  When you return and they ask you where you were,  say you can't remember.

Wine it up Girl !!!

ok ... Tell sister with dog, dog has to be muzzled around the house because cats are not used to dog.

Actually, cats will do fine if they are confiined in an area for a couple days... So, make a home for them in your bedroom, catbox and all.... Water, food, etc...

Make sure they bring the poop bags for dog, because once your cats get out, they do not want to go in their backyard and step in dog poop... Yeah, like that really happens, cats are too smart.

Do go out to dinner to minimze fuss! Less work for sure.., and tell them they can bring mom home when they feel like it. AND DON'T FORGET YOUR MANNERS.. THANK THEM FOR DINNER AND LEAVE.
You will have coffee and donuts ready in the AM if they can pop a Benadryl to spend a few minutes at home with MOm and you.

Make sure cats have a place high enough or they can jump that high in case dog gets into that room.

Even better, start looking for DOGGY DAY CARE !!! SEnd them the information about the local DOGGY DAY CARE.

Good luck ! Have fun, and enjoy it as much as possible. Happy Thanksgiving

You could move to Australia - no thanksgiving...

Seriously though I can relate for Christmas. Your brother's approach of a hotel & resturant is good but I think those who don't live with you & Mum just don't get it - don't know how hard to go out etc. I would get on the phone & just tell it how it is. Or if they'd bulldoze you by phone, txt/email.

"I'd love to see you all. We will have to adapt to what's going to work for everybody though - especially Mother".

Special needs (age, etc) are just that, *special* & need to be the priority.

And YOUR cats get to stay - I am insulted for them!

Does mom give two hoots about Thanksgiving anyway?

At my house, I don’t give a hoot and it bothers my mom tremendously!

To the point that she refuses her invitation for Thanksgiving dinner.

Doesn’t she know how much I was looking forward to having the house to myself?

Darn! Can’t win even a couple hours to myself.

charlotte

Thank you all for the responses.

The movies or staying with brother and his family sound wonderful, even splendiferous. But it will cause more trouble than it is worth. Can hear sister now. And family upset upsets Mom. She already "lost" her expen$ive hearing aids today, something she does when upset. They were found (bless the aide) but a fast trip to the hearing aid place was needed to repair one. And to order a new earpiece.

I got a turkey on sale and most of the stuff needed for dinner. I have silver polish, etc.

Yes, I still resent being descended on. My bad attitude, I guess. Yes, my brother was trying to do right. But someone else had to stick oar in.

The cats will be in my room with box, etc. I just found out that brother's nearly blind and deaf old dog is also coming as will another niece's puppy. I know from previous visits that brother's dog does not like our dog. Do not know how she will react to other dogs.

Pray.

I recently learned to use a very helpful line with others, when necessary: "Unfortunately, that just doesn't work for me."
Period.
No other explanations necessary.
I do not take well to being told who's coming to stay with me, what rooms they will be using, and what will need to be done with my pets. Or that they will be bringing their pets.
Unfortunately, that just doesn't work for me.

Good luck! Hope you (and all of us) can get thru The Holidays this year with our sanity still intact.
Sigh.

The question was HOW to manage... Sounds like you have some good plans now. Hope it goes well!

If the matter is actually how to say NO, some good advice has been given for the future.

beatty,
you dont have to feel indignation on the behalf of the cats . cats invented the concept .

out local vet clinic put up a humorous sign a few months ago .

" if cats could text you back -- they WOULDNT " .

Since you are the live-in caregiver, you most definitely deserve and need a break. I bet they expect you to COOK the meal too, don't they? Bless their hearts.

If I were in your shoes, I'd book myself a little getaway while they are there and let them do ALL the caregiving. I would absolutely do this.

Foley - Is it even possible for Mom to have a good Thanksgiving?

No snark. I am genuinely asking.

It sounds like every possible scenario will lead to some sort of Mom Meltdown. If I am correct, then choose the scenario that works best for YOU.

And sadly, your siblings probably won’t learn anything from this Thanksgiving - no matter how it turns out. Won’t gain any appreciation for what you manage every day.

They might learn that their dogs are not welcome next year. But only if you tell them!

Thanksgiving is weird. So much noise about one particular meal on one particular day. And the insulting presumption that it’s a 4-day weekend for everyone.

Good luck!

So, Foley, you are going to do what your siblings think best, I take it?

If that's what you WANT to do, that's just fine. But I'd like you to think ahead to Christmas and to next holiday season.

What does a GOOD FOR MOM holiday meal look like for mom? It probably has to do with pre-planning by you and siblings together.

Mom is upset because YOU are upset. Figure out how to avoid the upset. And move on from there.

We won't be spending Thanksgiving with mom because her facility is having their big thing the Saturday before Thanksgiving and I told my brother that he and his wife and their family can spend it with her. He told me that they will do that. Not sure if he meant that they have already planned it or what. Maybe the day after Thanksgiving, we will see her. We are going to his sister's for Thanksgiving. Have another brother that lives in Ohio but not sure what he is doing.
Pray that things get calmer for you.

BarbBrooklyn, yes. First, brother already paid for hotel. Second the shrieking about saying "no" would be heard next June and beyond from the sister. Third, Mom does know the siblings are planning to come (sister called and repeated message) and I know she would like to see them.
She does not know (or is forgetting intentionally) that the dogs are coming. My cats will be safe in my room, but I know they will be stressed.
And I will be cooking. Mom will like a big dinner and with most of the trimmings. My plan (the gourmets here can cover their eyes) is to do most of the dishes Tuesday and refrigerate or freeze. I will set table and do final housecleaning Wednesday. I also informed football-mad sibs that I dropped Directv so it is over-the-air for football. Already heard small squeals.
That leaves the turkey (18 lbs) for Thursday. And dinner is going to be early afternoon. Mom usually has dinner around 3 p.m. so that keeps her mostly on schedule.
IN odd moments am trying to come up with a list of things out of the house they can do. The outlet mall does big Black Friday, and an area dairy bar is going to be on national tv. Suggestions welcome.

FFoley, thing about setting some boundaries/expectations in advance of Chistmas or whatever your next holiday is

" You can see that mom doesn't do well with this upset in her routine; let's talk about what to do for the next holiday now so we don't have to wait until the last minute to make plans".

Foley, your mother lives in YOUR house right? If so, why on earth are you going to lock your cats in a room? You have every right to tell your niece the dog isn’t welcome. You must be a better person than me because I WILL NEVER lock my cats up or throw my dog outside to accommodate others. They can leave their dogs at home or pay to board them somewhere. They can spend the holidays elsewhere if they don’t like my dog in the house.

This holiday season happens every year - thank heavens in Australia we don’t have Halloween (though the shops are pushing it) or Thanksgiving. If you don’t make your own arrangements in advance, you are a sitting duck for rellies telling you later what they have decided to do. What I do (and I think most here in Oz) is to send out emails in October or even September to ask what rellies would like to do and what you would like yourself. It’s particularly useful in blended families – for example, DH and I arranged to go away two years ago so that my daughters could have Christmas with my ex, their dying father, with no difficult dynamics. It seems silly to wait for unreasonable requests and then complain. And if you have the most difficult circumstances, make sure that you pull the shots!

Is AL still warm at TG? If so, those dogs would be outside more than in. Hopefully their visit is short. 😊 So now you have excepted whats going to happen, please enjoy it. Don't stress out. Do what you can ahead. Put others to work. Have the dinner later in the afternoon. You can have someone peal and cut potatoes up in a bowl of water and put in the frig till time to cook. I have a sweet potato casserole that can be made ahead. You can eat off of nice TG paper plates and they have plastic utensils that look like real flatware. When done, it all goes into the trash. Have a clean up committee. Don't try to do it all yourself. Sometimes what we dread, turns out to be something good. Its all attitude. Be happy that family wants to come and spend time with Mom. Clean the week before. I love Swifter stuff. Just before they come, take one of the dusters and quickly go over everything. I use their dry mop on my Pergo. I have a small vacuum for quickies. And what doesn't get done, oh well. They are their for Mom.

The dogs would bother me. I hate when people don't ask if an animal can be brought to your house. But, if they r well behaved. Maybe a compromise. The dogs go in the garage or outside while the cats are allowed to wander house for a while. And if one of the rooms requested is yours, sorry sister will just have to sleep in another one. My bedroom is just that, my bedroom.

Since you take care of mom all year.

Let them know this will be a nice break for you and you'll be happy to order all the food pre cooked for Thanksgiving and they can pick it up and pay for it.

Inform your Sister and Niece that your so happy they will do the Clean up after.

Can’t think real straight at the moment. You are getting great options here, so only one thing to add. If not this time, for future. Stop by a local tourist venue or hotel lobby, and grab up all the touristy brochures for museums, boat rides, local theaters, whatever. Store them in a pretty box for visitors to peruse for what entertainment they might like do do when they visit. It doesn’t matter if the brochures are kept year to year, or added to, they can call the phone numbers or visit the websites from brochures to confirm hours, admission. My sister keeps such a box, as she lives in one of the areas of the country where there are a lot of famous tourist venues.

Wishing everybody here has the exact Thanksgiving they wish for, or reasonable compromise. I’ve found a local market does the very best holiday meals, just heat at home. Ordering one for us, once again. Two people, lots of leftovers, I’ll be freezing a couple meals so we don’t get sick of leftovers. Economical, delicious, and for me, with the China and crystal on the table, I feel like I’ve truly had a holiday meal. No family nearby, so easy peasy for me.