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We are seniors who live in a remote rural community and my wife developed breast cancer. Since there are no cancer centers near our home, my wife's daughter (my step-daughter) who lives in a major city that has a cancer center encouraged us to move in with her and her family. This we did and my wife was shortly admitted to a cancer hospital and underwent infection control and radiation treatment. She was released from the hospital and is recovering at her daughter's home. She is doing very well now under the care of myself and visiting nurses.

After an initial period of (insincere) warmth and concern for her mother, our daughter and her new significant other started a terror campaign against us. Since, we are currently economically dependent on them for accommodation while I provide care for my wife and job search in this new city, they feel that they can lord over us. Contrary to the original offer, we were moved to a very tiny room in the house instead of the larger room we were promised. Instead of free accommodation, it was demanded that we provide rent as well as housekeeping and transportation services for their family. This we gladly provide but in return we have received disrespect (talking to us as if we are two year olds), insults, verbal abuse, false accusations, slander, bullying and shunning. Strangely, they would eat our groceries instead of their own. Also, they attempted to break up our relationship but this backfired (motivation: control of my wife and her estate). We raised the issue of showing respect for their parents and elders and they scoffed at us.

Every day we experience some kind of abuse and would love to return home but we are stuck here because of the nursing care. My wife is a strong woman and I admire her ability to deal with this situation but I believe that it was the strained relationship she has with her (mentally ill) daughter that brought this cancer on. She certainly doesn't need this emotional abuse when recovering from cancer. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

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Good news: we are going to be returning home and leaving this abusive environment. My wife finally has had enough and is now willing to accept services elsewhere.
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I really would go back home. Most County Health Departments offer excellent services to those in need, i.e. nursing staff to check on your wife etc. Also, since it sounds like you are looking for a new job, maybe it is time for you and your wife to sell your home and move to a city of your choice that has excellent medical care. Good luck.
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Caregiveryes, we love our wilderness retreat but we decided last spring to finish the renovations and get the home ready for sale. We were just about one weeks work away from having it ready to present to realtors when we had to take my wife to the cancer center. Now that she is recovering we can finish the renovations and hopefully sell and move to the community where my wife's best friend lives. They have better medical care there and she will have positive emotional and physical support from her friend and her friend's family as well.
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Most cities have cancer support groups. I strongly suggest that you contact one and also that you let your wife's doctor know what the situation is. My heart goes out to you...good luck.
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Since you are paying rent for a tiny room, and buying your own groceries anyway, and dping housekeeping, it doesn't sound like there is any advantage to staying in your step-daughter's house. And there are A LOT of disadvantages. Verbal abuse isn't going to help your wife recover. So, could you rent a small apartment in this city? It might be a bit more expensive overall but a lot less grief.
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You say your wife is being treated at a cancer center in a major city. Does the Cancer Center have resources - a social worker perhaps - who could assist you in finding an affordable place to stay where you won't be subjected to this abuse? The hospital may even have members of the community who volunteer their homes to help people in your situation. Definitely ask your wife's doctor.
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I am so glad for you. I had a similar, though perhaps not as bad, situation taking my daughter and her family in when they were on the out and out. It was my daughter who started taking over more and more of the house as if it were her own, and no gratitude for what I was doing for them, just more difficulties and a greater attitude of entitlement from her. e.g.she started making decisions about changing the decor as if it were her house, Finally it came to a head and they moved out telling my other children that the problem was that I could not get along with them. In a sense it was true. I could and would not accept that behaviour from anyone in my house, my child or not. My personal files got rearranged, my rose bushes got cut down, my godson who was staying with me was forced to leave, and more. I know, at one point she wanted to purchase my house from me cheap. Certainly gain was one major motivation.
With your wife recovering from cancer, she must have a relatively stress free environment. I do think it affects recovery. Wishing you both all the best, and now that you know "how the land lays", protect yourselves accordingly. All the best.
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I agree with Margarets - move out and find a place for just the two of you. Do you have any other children that can help you to do that? It sounds like you have some finances to handle this. You can find transportation services either through mass transit or by contacting the nearest senior center or Area Agency on Aging. If you need help to do that, tell us what city you're in and we can help get you contact numbers. Good luck and keep us posted. You don't need to put up with that kind of treatment.
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Go back to your home if she is released from treatment and follow-up in your area. Get out and don't look back and use this most enlightening information to your advantage for future planning and needs. You really never know anyone, family included, friends until you are under one roof. Hope your wife gets better and I guess you will just have to man up like your avatar and think what would Chuck do.
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Richard, it is time to move on and out and back to your rural home. Sometimes we can not make sense of why people, including ourselves, act the way we do. All we can do is search ourselves and take responsibility for any and all behaviour that may have caused any issues and then forgive yourself and let go. You expect your daughter to act one way, but the reality is that we can not expect anyone to do anything. Somewhere along the line things got mixed up. I would leave the door open for forgiveness but that does not mean that you forget or have to have her in your life, it means you forgive yourself and her. Stop trying to make sense of this and focus your energy and attention on getting well, both of you need to heal. Let go, live and let live and resentment is like a cancer it will kill you also.
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