I'm terrified of my own old age. How do I get past this feeling?

This is a great discussion. We have all the legal work done -- will, POA's, advanced directives. I have set up bill payments and noted all info in a folder on my computer that I constantly update. I have this information printed and in a marked binder in case... My sons know all of this.
However, my husband is wheelchair bound and unable to care for himself. I want to downsize so no house and yard to manage on own but this isn't the time (yet). This scares me (I am 74, my husband is 78 -- I am in good health and would be more active but being a full time caregiver is a life sucker) as I don't want to have all of this to take care of in years to come and don't want to put the burden of my frailty on my sons if things don't change in the near future. Actually, I don't want all of this to take care of NOW -- it is overwhelming, but I can't quite get to good resolution at the moment. No solutions -- just thoughts.

When I read the topic of this thread, I felt a thrill of relief! I’m not the only one who considers these things every day (day in and day out, often). Apparently, when dementia sets in, we lose our concept of it being awful. It’s mostly awful for the people around us. So I agree on the importance of having wishes in writing before that happens, AND of making it clear to loved ones that these ARE the wishes of our conscious, rational selves. Warn them that dementia can certainly change our wishes and make us want to continue to survive day to day. And talk through with them what you want to have happen. My son will, when needed, find me a nursing home that is not awful. My husband and I lost a lot of our net worth in the whole 2008 financial mess, so (barring some sort of financial miracle) we won’t be able to afford much other than Medicaid placements. That’s kinda scary, but on the other hand - better that than stealing the middle age my son and his family deserve to enjoy in freedom. My Mom has done that to my husband and me and I know my “real Mom” would never have wanted that. This dementia-possessed Mom is, of course, pretty much oblivious to the needs of others, even though she’s pleasant enough and certainly not aggressive. It’s the loss of freedom and spontaneity that I never want to impose on anyone else. Thank you all for this thread. Whoever said “old age is no place for sissies” hit the nail on the head! We all have sobering decisions to make and are fortunate to have this place to bring those things to the surface and share our experience, strength, weakness, hope, despair, doubt and faith as they all cycle through our caregiving challenges. I’m grateful for you all!

Like Zdarov said earlier - many of us are going into our golden years with blinders off as a result of being caregivers. My biggest fear is that dementia will cloud my thinking in the way it has for my mother. I remember her complaining bitterly about the stubbornness of her mother insisting on staying in her home. So guess how shocked I was when she said she'd never go to a nursing home. I tell my kids to just ignore anything I say and do what's best. Put me away. Do whatever you have to do. Just don't listen to the ramblings of a senile old lady. I plan to break the cycle of foot dragging, arguing, denial and stubbornness that have plagued my grandmother's, my parents, and mother-in-law's (yes, we have ALZ on both sides of the family) senior years. "Please let me go gracefully" is my prayer every night. I do not want or plan to be an anchor my kids have to drag through their middle age years.

The thing about getting old is that it eventually ends. Consider the alternative.

You start by reading and learning all you can. You try to take in proper nourishment and get adequate exercise.

A lot of diseases are simply malnutrition and lack of exercise.

Please don't slam me - I do understand that there are some truly terrifying diseases out there - but by taking care of yourself, at least you then also give yourself a better chance of not suffering the same situations you are afraid of.

I don't believe in "Clean Eating" per se, but I do believe in 'cleaner eating' and trying to avoid as many chemicals as possible. I believe we do need to eat more "freggies" (fruits & vegetables) and drink more water.

Praying also comes to mind - but I think I'll pass on that getting hit by a truck. :)

As a long time caregiver to those with AZ and other memory issues I know for a fact that I have no desire to live with such a cruel disease. If I am ever diagnosed I will hatch a plan to punch my own ticket before things get bad. I'm conflicted about ending life on such a note. Would be much more delightful to leave in peace -maybe during a nice afternoon nap....bathed in sunshine from a warm spring afternoon & surrounded by loved ones. Unfortunately, chances of that happening are like wagering your life savings on the lottery! I turned 60 in September and am hoping that anything other than AZ claims me. That is the worst if you ask me.

I am committed to not becoming like my mother. Lazy and no desire to live life to its fullest. She made no proper arrangements for old age so I feel I've been dumped on and that taking care of her is stealing my and my husband's time to enjoy life. We do the best we can to stay physically fit and travel as much as possible under the circumstances. I will not do this to my own children, that's for sure. But, yes, I am very fearful of becoming incapacitated and of death itself.

I think it's important to recognize that your particular LO's situation is unique. Out of every elder in my family that I can think of, none were incontinent before they passed. I think that you are so close to your LO's daily life that it's making you fearful and giving you anxiety. There are no guarantees that any of your fears will ever come true.

Take a break in any way you can. Hire additional help or respite care. Find a local therapist that you can talk/vent to in order to help give you some mental distance.

I think anxieties of this type can be indicative of caregiver burn out. Perhaps reading some articles about this may help you.

My friend and I, both 89, just had a lovely three mile walk around a state park, enjoying the changing colors of the flora. We have both dealt with loss and are still dealing with handicapped loved ones in our care but we laugh a lot and don't feel that growing old has been an irksome journey. (I don't have money for help of any kind and probably don't clean house the way I used to but I keep our heads above water financially.)

I think about this everyday. I already told my best friend, that I will take matters into my own hands, if I feel the need. I will know what to do when the day comes. I pray God takes me gently one night. I have been caring for my mother (92) who is bedridden for last few years all alone. Family is mostly MIA. I wish I had a crystal ball but they are on back order.

My parents were very angry about getting into old age and made it clear they were "done" around the time they turned 70. At that point they were in very good health (resembled 60 year olds, honestly) and had ample money in the bank to continue enjoying life. They then took to their easy chairs, started drinking all day every day, cabin fever set in, anger, resentment, fighting, poor nutrition, etc. By the time they were in their mid 70s they had aged dramatically and now, not even 80 yet, are damaged to the point where travel and enjoying life is no longer an option. My moral of the story is that attitude toward aging counts for a whole lot! My parents had all of the pieces of the retirement puzzle put together except for having a good attitude going forward, and that pretty much ruined everything :(

Like Golden23 I'm there, too, (87) and still enjoying life. My only advice is light exercise about 3-4 times a week, eat as healthy as you can (occasionally enjoy things like pizza, cheeseburgers, and ice cream,) and keep your weight at an acceptable level. Keep your mind busy; other than watching TV you do can read, do puzzles, and find a hobby you enjoy.  
And oh yes, trust in the Good Lord.
Of course, we're all different but this has worked for me.

Great thread. I turn 60 next week. This past year I have placed my father in NH and my mother continues to live alone out in the country. She seems to be okay living along and has welcomed the peace of having to take care of my fathers needs. And he was very needed :). She and I have talked and when it's time, she'll go to NH with my dad. But until then I go weekly to handle everything she has questions and take her to visit my dad. I set her up with a mobile help company, so I can have peace of mind. All POA's and wills have been set up and I know their wishes as they come along.

Now is time to get myself all set up. I'm an only child and have no immediately family that I can turn to, so I have talked with a dear friend and she has agreed to be my POA and carry out my wishes when the time comes. I plan on spending everything and living what time I do have. Retirement and SS will be enough to take care of NH should I need it, so I don't have to burden the medicaid system.

I know I should lose weight but it's been hard keeping myself on schedule when I'm worried about my parents and my own mortality. As I remodel or make improvements to my home, I'm fully aware of setting it up for my older life style coming. I have been very independent all my life so being alone is not scary to me. I think if things take a nasty turn health wise, I'll look into other states that recognize end of life dignity. I hope to travel some when I can. But now is my time to make my parents feel loved and know that they raise a caring and loving son. My blessings to all caregivers

Don't fret about a worst-case scenario. None of us knows what awaits as we age. Let your children know the plans you have in place and how you want them to handle your care if it comes to that. But think positive, you may live to 95 without any significant problems.

I think your concerns brings up another very good reason why we must take care of our health today. That means, lose weight, (for many, that means a lot of weight), stop eating processed foods (and that means fried foods, fast foods), and start eating wholesome foods (they are even cheaper than processed foods) and start walking, a lot of walking. Also, let's change our mental mind set -- become grateful for today. Yes, you might not even have a tomorrow. Be grateful for the small things, (can you walk)? Be grateful, many people cannot. All this will make for a healthier and happier present, and eventually old age. Discuss your wishes with family and loved ones, make a Living Will, and save your money. Don't give up control easily to anyone (POA) -- that can be a big mistake, even to a LO. And become more mindful of today, this moment. It's all we ever really have, the rest of our days are gifts. If you are spiritual, think more spiritually, it makes us grateful. And grateful people, even old people, are happier and healthier. Good Luck:)

Great answers above! Most important: In your fifties, help someone else. If you don't have a family member to care for, step in for someone else or take a hospice course and volunteer there. Consider it "Going to old-age school." It will help you move through the fear. Get your paperwork done and get it notarized; you can improve on it later. Clean up your diet and find a form of exercise that you'll actually do, even if it's only a vigorous half hour daily walk. You'll sleep better at night. (We're 78 and 80 with no family to depend on.)

I'm a physician...so, naturally, I'm the Worst patient and not in touch with my own Mortality/upcoming Frailty. It comes from years of being a Nerd. I stayed Single. My Mother died of a Bad Cancer at 59, almost thirty years ago. As the Only Son, my Father begged me to come back here to the Midwest to care for him. So I DID, for most of two years (I put him in a place the last two months.) It's hard. Try to eat healthy, and exercise (I should TALK-I'm busy cramming for re-re certification in my specialty, so I'm online or listening to DVDs all day long.) I take a low-dose Lithium supplement, to ward off Alzheimer's disease. In Bipolars (which I am Not) the ones prescribed just psychotropics have a 33% incidence of Alzheimer's-the ones on Lithium??....FIVE percent. And you don't need to take the high doses they do to achieve benefit.

I'm 70. I was the sole caregiver, for 6 years, for my late wife, who suffered with vascular dementia and its complications until she went Home in 2014. I married a remarkable widow, who has COPD and limited mobility, in April, 2016. I have had 5 major surgeries since 2014, including a complicated open heart procedure. I am currently in good health, and working on losing 40 pounds. All of these things have made me mindful of my own humanity. I could choose to worry about pancreatic cancer, which is rife in my family, and a horrible way to go. I find that choosing to celebrate each day, and looking for humor and communion with God and with others, is a remarkable way to live in the present. We only get one chance to enjoy or worry through each day, and to develop cherished memories. The quality of our days past and present are valuable for our futures. Regrets, which I have observed in others, seem to be the most tenacious of memories, even in the later stages of decline. Concentrate on finding and sharing the blessings of now, leave yourself a legacy of special memories, and trust God for the future.

At 60 I don't feel like I'm slowing down at all. The problem remains with my 84 year old mother, who I have recently moved in with. I have no husband or children, I have 1 brother who is wheelchair bound with MS, I won't ever have any help with any care in my future. My dad at 87 is in a nursing home facility suffering with Alzheimer's. I'm working with my mom to try and downsize from he split level home to perhaps a mobile home community, the biggest problem has been with many of the retirement communities and the outrages cost to live in one, we've checked out several in the area. The next big headache is cleaning out my parents home with over 60 years of crap stored in every nook and cranny. There's so much on my plate, and I have zero help with any of it, all this may kill me before old age does.

CeeCee65, what an excellent conversation you've started! Obviously, a whole lot of us have this very thing on our minds...

I have no kids, so my husband and I will just have to look out for each other as long as possible. I'm always trying to downsize and get rid of "stuff" to make caring for the house easier as I get older. Him... not so much! As far as caring for him (he's 13 years older than me) and for myself, I am taking each day as it comes.

What will the future bring? I have no idea. But this thread is providing a lot of insight. Let's keep the conversation going!

I agree Lynn19, I only have to make sure all my wishes are in writing since I have no children, I only have to give my husband my "wish list" and most important, be grateful to God  for all the blessings  I've been able to enjoy here & now!!

I read all the comments and most everyone has their plans in place. I believe for me that having a plan is very important. I know age is only a number, unless your adult son reminds me that my husband and I are getting old. I am 63 and my husband is 67. He has had a lot of health issues. Besides my 91 year old mother, who resides in a nursing home and despised it, there is no longevity in our family. I wish someone had told me to take better care of myself when I was young. We have our wills and funeral plan. My son has promise to abide by the living will. I am a Christian and have faith that God will not give me anything that I could not handle.

Lila, thank you! Nutrition seldom comes up in these threads, and I feel like I've heard a dull thud whenever I mention it. Fats in the diet has low social awareness, for sure. And that the cholesterol level is supposed to raise as you age. I'm glad you have such a great role model in your life :) turns out those are important at any age, right?!

I think the decline of others is difficult to watch, but I'm not sure it's as hard for those undergoing it (if their attitude is in tune, like our pets do), to echo what some of them others have said. For all her complaints, my mother has said she feels a natural surrender going on all the time.

Ceecee and all, what a good thread. I have noticed that focusing on my mother's decline, for her sake, has me almost living it myself. We have to find ways to differentiate our selves from their experience, no point in living through it twice. But also of course this is meant to make us plan for ourselves. I also have a timer set for about when I'll go into independent living, and ceecee don't forget a living will where you declare many of your wishes. I'm trying to observe how one has to let go of pride in many ways, and release yourself to not being fully 'in charge' anymore, like some here have acknowledged. Some of the worst I think any of us sees is the stubborn, quarrelsome attitudes and THAT is what I'd like to avoid.

It’s not aging in itself that is the problem, it’s the decline in health that often (but not always!) occurs with aging. I know a very active woman in her 90’s. She has good posture, walks a lot (with no need for a cane), and she gives intellectual lectures to a study group.

So “taking care of oneself” to the best of one’s ability is a biggie. Good nutrition. Some form of exercise, to get the blood circulating. Good thoughts (meditation and prayer can help with this). Mental stimulation, be it from books (audio is okay), conversation, or creative endeavors, such as arts and crafts.

Be sure to get sufficient healthy fats in your diet. The brain is mainly fat, and it needs good, natural fats to be healthy. That includes animal fats, such as butter, fish oil, and even lard from grass-fed cows.

Reducing sugar and starches (and replacing them with fats) can improve the mood and brain, not to mention do wonders for the blood sugar. Check out the low-carb, high-fat diet, also called the ketogenic (or keto) diet. There is plenty available info on it on YouTube.

the way things are going, nuclear war is most likely going to happen in a year or two...we all go out together. So don't worry about it.

It is a nightmare seeing your parents suffer. In a way it is comforting knowing what you are heading towards they have gone through it before, still not much of a consolation. Your time is going to come. I suppose we just have to prepare for it. And hope it won't be too bad. Just try to look forward to each new day and think good thoughts. It's all any of us can do.

I don't like the transformations that old age is bringing me either but, one thing is for sure, my sister died of cancer at 47. After the diagnosis, she had seven weeks to live, to leave behind the love of her life; her beautiful son. She had restarted her life 17 months previous to the horrible news in a beautiful new home she was so proud of. She was so happy and her life was taken. She didn't get the chance to grow old to watch her son flourish. He was 18, she'd be so proud of him for what he has achieved from then on.

If we don't die old, we die young.

I'd rather be fat, old and ugly :D

My biggest wish, above all, is for my sons to be healthy, and live a very, very long life too.

There are only two ways out of this life: die old or die young.

We don't know what our old age will bring us. My paternal grandmother died in her sleep in her late 70´s. My mother is still living a perfectly normal life, she´s 82. My neighbour is in her 90´s and she still cultivates her lands (as was my maternal grandmother).

We don't know what's going to happen to us but, to me, dying young is the most tragic of all fates.

I hope I have been useful.

Good luck!

Yes, every stinkin miserable day ( because of my mil and FIL). I have already made a decission at 59 that should I get diagnosed with any life threatening illnesses I'll let nature take it course.

My mother decided when she was 60 or so, that she did not want to live if she lost her mind or control of her body. She had already seen friends with early onset Alzheimer's, and slow deaths from disease.

Mum is 83 now and still in good mental and physical health. She has a DNR and I have medical and $$ POA for her. BC, Canada allows assisted suicide, should it come to that. Mum knows which NH she wants to live in when she can no longer live in her house.

Dad (they divorced years ago) is the problem. He will not make plans, refuses to consider any form of assisted living. I am lucky that my brother has 'taken' dad on, but he is not too observant. When Dad's teeth started to break, my brother had not noticed. Turned out Dad had several abscesses and had to have teeth removed. Bro has a basement suite where Dad spends much of the winter, during the summer dad goes to the family cottage.

Me, I do not worry yet about my old age. I know the house I live in can have the basement converted into a wheelchair friendly suite if needed. My neighbour (houses are the same) did that for his wife. I could rent out the upstairs. Or I may decide to sell down the road and buy a one level house. I love my pets and am not interested in condo or apartment living at this time.

I expect my kids to live their own lives.