I'm terrified of my own old age. How do I get past this feeling?

Agree

I kept a hoard of my mom's headache meds (combo of codeine & barbiturate) until recently, a "just in case" stash, but I decided that by the time I might need them in 25 years they may no longer be up to the task!
I'm not sure mom finds her life nearly as distressing as I do, and I have made plans for my future that will hopefully make caregiving easier on the next generation. I trust that if I reach a time when I can no longer decide for myself my family will find a nice nursing home to put me in.

Ha ditto!

Your post worries me. None of us enjoys the iniquities of aging. I sure don't appreciate all the sags and wrinkles and memory lapses. I also am sole caregiver for my bedridden husband. So I spend s lot of time building him up and keeping the sarcastic comments and anger about caregiving inside of me. But, I would never consider suicide. There is no guarantee that incontinence, etc. will be a part of your aging process. And, if it does happen, handle it and move on. I saw a video the other day of a woman who is 100 years old who went skydiving!

Hugemom, no need to worry about me. It's just that I'm face to face with what could possibly be my future. I'm not enjoying this side of it and it's plain that my in-laws are hating it with all their being. I just find myself hoping that, as my dad used to say, "I just want to wake up dead one morning." The suffering and mental decline is hard on everyone involved.

I understand.

With the recent passing of my FIL IN my home on Hospice (6 &1/2 weeks) his hospitalization before that, and the previous 13 years he lived with us until he died at 87, Yes, I think of the alot recently!!!

I would Never do to my children, what my FIL expected out of us, it's just so incredibly selfish, to do this to your middle aged kids!

Yes, there are circumstances where the parent may need to come and live with you for a time, during illness, or Hospice, and I would do that again, and feel good about the way we took care of him, but all those years and years of imposing on your child's life, and without a thought of the inconvenience of it all, him thinking he was doing us a favor by paying 500 dollars rent each month, while you provide 2 meals a day, and take care of his every need!

No, I Will find an alternative route for the end of My life, and it won't be on the backs of my kids lives, even as great as they are, all Saying it would be their honor and duty, uhh-uhh, as it soon transitions into feelings of resentment and sacrifice, and I could never wish to do that to someone else! I'll happily go to a Nursing home, or hopefully the new laws of Death with Dignity will become a much more acceptable way to go, that gives Me the control over my end of life, that doesn't end up Leaving my LO's racked with guilt, as I would never want that for them.

I guess it's time for me to really begin concentrating on my own good health (I'm 57), so the days of having to even think about this are still a long ways off, but you just never know anymore when something might happen to you, and I know that I'll be thinking on this as our experience is still so raw and fresh, as we try to find our new normal after so many years caring for my FIL in our home, may he rest in peace.

My main worry is that my sig other will refuse to downsize and not move into Independent Living, he's already digging in his heels even after seeing what my very elderly parents went through :P Guess no lessons learned on his part. Anyhoo, I plan to downsize whether he comes with me or not.

I think about this every day, as the dreaded family curse of arthritis is really causing me some miserable days--and that's just mild joint pain!!

My hubby also is giving me a lot of grief about downsizing--but I also am doing it and he can come with me or not. He's not the one inconvenienced by the 4 staircases in our home and the laundry downstairs and the huge yard. He also said "what's the big deal? When I retire, so do you!" Nope, actually my job will get about 50% "worse" when he's home all day.

We're not ready for IL but we are more than ready for one-level living and for a garage that hold BOTH cars. Many a snowy winter day I have to dig out my driveway and THEN my car to go somewhere. ALso, in a split entry home? You'd be totally trapped if you couldn't do stairs.

This is NOT my kids' problem and I don't intend to make it be so.

Well, old age - I am here and it is not that bad. I turned 80 about a month ago. I think cwillie nailed it when she said "I'm not sure mom finds her life nearly as distressing as I do".

My mother is wheelchair and bed bound. Nobody wants that for themselves or anyone else, but she is well cared for and not in pain. Old age and its issues will happen if you survive long enough. Nasty diseases can hit at any age. 

My plan for the future is to downsize, and eventually go into assisted living and then NH as needed. My kids will be as involved as they want to be, but, I will work at not burdening them.

I try to look after what I have and make the best of my life. I remember years ago wondering what my life would be at age 80, if I made it. It is nothing like what I thought it would be. It is more interesting. On turning 80, I decided to give up some things and among them is worrying about/being afraid of the future. I will keep learning, trying new things, working to keep myself fit and healthy as long as I can. I wouldn't sky dive at any age, but would love under water experiences. Practice your Kegels, eat sensibly, exercise as you can... look after you.

my experience echos what cwillie said: I'm not sure my mother finds this phase of her life anywhere near as distressing as I do. The effort it costs her to get up out of a chair, to get into and out of the car, and her need to rely on other people for everything, that would horrify me. But her, not so much. If anything, she seems to take comfort in having an excuse to keep people around and tending to her constantly. She doesn't want to be alone, and her helplessness ensures she never will be left alone. Someone is with her or a quick phone call away at all times.

I don't have kids, but I would never set my life up to depend on unpaid others to take care of my needs in a way that would keep them tethered to me for extended periods of time. It's one thing in a crisis - it's another when the crisis extends into months and years and still people are not free to go back to their own lives. It is an imposition and I would never want to be the one responsible for it.

Grappling with old age is an interesting experience. The main problem is that I think I am still middle aged and can do anything I want but my body has decided otherwise. Unlike Golden I will not reach 80 for another 15 months but then I never expected to live past 70 as none of my mother's family did. It is somewhat annoying not to be able to follow through with projects I have ideas for but on the other hand it is rather nice to sit in my recliner and talk to my aging care friends!
Old age caught up with me a couple of years ago when I became seriously ill and body parts have been falling apart steadily since then. I was invited to sign a DNR on the operating table and later offered hospice. Despite many attempts by the medical profession to kill me I am still here and as onary as ever.

Right now I need to make it through to February to prove that everyone who is elderly does not die within a year of breaking a hip!

Incontinence what a delightful subject. It is horrible when you are the one on the cleaning up end but can be quite comforting when you suddenly sit in a warm pile of poop and someone else needs to clean it up. I told the nurse I was sorry but I just could not wait. She assured me she would rather clean me up than pick me up off the floor. I hasten to add that I am now over that little inconvenience.

I would like to be able to do more of the things I want to do but that does not include cooking dinner every night. Food has absolutely no interest to me these days except the occasional treat of pickled herring (in sour cream) or good smoked salmon (at $40 a pound) and some good fruit mainly grapes these days.

What would I like to do? High on the list at this moment is gardening. my flower beds have not been touched in two summers and the weeds are unbelievable. Hubby mows but does not do weeds. I don't care that I can no longer do housework. Used to be very houseproud but once we got into the horse business my barn was cleaner than the house.

I have always enjoyed my own company so it is no hardship not to be able to go out and "enjoy" life. In fact I find it quite distressing to be in a crowded restaurant.

As far as having any of my children have to take care of me. I certainly would not want to place that burden on any of them but luckily our eldest has been successful in her career and would be happy to help us financially if needed.

Should I outlive my husband which is unlikely as his family has good long life genes I would be quite satisfied with assisted living.

Old age is not that bad as long as you recognize it for what it is - just another stage in life's cycle.

Look to the future with optimism,enjoy the things you can still do, downsize your expectations and be grateful for what you do have.

I have chosen to hit the road for the rest of my life. I will make sure that I am not found until it is too late.

The family has always said...you will live forever if you survive the first heart attack. So,I hope that is my "out"

I have already determined that when my big place with lots of stairs and land gets to be too much for me, I will move to IL in a place that has the full spectrum of care. I have long term care insurance so if physical disabilities get the best of me I will be able to afford some good options. My kids are wonderful, but their personalities do not lend themselves to being long term caretakers.

Our state has a Death with Dignity law, which my father took advantage of when his cancer progressed. It was a real blessing for him and the family - he had a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones. I will likely use if I get an illness qualifies. I don't want to put myself or my loved ones through what my MIL had to go through at the end of her life. No dignity, and all her energy went into dealing with the pain and difficulties of dealing with a failing body so she wasn't even able to have meaningful time at the end with family. And I think that if I am diagnosed with dementia, I plan to take some sort of action. I really wish Death with Dignity included dementia diagnoses, which are fatal diagnoses but not within the 6 month time frame that Death with Dignity requires.

To me, quality of life means a lot. I have dealt with some chronic illnesses over the years, and it is very very hard. But have managed to address them so now my quality of life has improved a lot. If I were to develop something that didn't have the option of improvement, I really don't want to hang around.

My mother decided when she was 60 or so, that she did not want to live if she lost her mind or control of her body. She had already seen friends with early onset Alzheimer's, and slow deaths from disease.

Mum is 83 now and still in good mental and physical health. She has a DNR and I have medical and $$ POA for her. BC, Canada allows assisted suicide, should it come to that. Mum knows which NH she wants to live in when she can no longer live in her house.

Dad (they divorced years ago) is the problem. He will not make plans, refuses to consider any form of assisted living. I am lucky that my brother has 'taken' dad on, but he is not too observant. When Dad's teeth started to break, my brother had not noticed. Turned out Dad had several abscesses and had to have teeth removed. Bro has a basement suite where Dad spends much of the winter, during the summer dad goes to the family cottage.

Me, I do not worry yet about my old age. I know the house I live in can have the basement converted into a wheelchair friendly suite if needed. My neighbour (houses are the same) did that for his wife. I could rent out the upstairs. Or I may decide to sell down the road and buy a one level house. I love my pets and am not interested in condo or apartment living at this time.

I expect my kids to live their own lives.

Yes, every stinkin miserable day ( because of my mil and FIL). I have already made a decission at 59 that should I get diagnosed with any life threatening illnesses I'll let nature take it course.

I don't like the transformations that old age is bringing me either but, one thing is for sure, my sister died of cancer at 47. After the diagnosis, she had seven weeks to live, to leave behind the love of her life; her beautiful son. She had restarted her life 17 months previous to the horrible news in a beautiful new home she was so proud of. She was so happy and her life was taken. She didn't get the chance to grow old to watch her son flourish. He was 18, she'd be so proud of him for what he has achieved from then on.

If we don't die old, we die young.

I'd rather be fat, old and ugly :D

My biggest wish, above all, is for my sons to be healthy, and live a very, very long life too.

There are only two ways out of this life: die old or die young.

We don't know what our old age will bring us. My paternal grandmother died in her sleep in her late 70´s. My mother is still living a perfectly normal life, she´s 82. My neighbour is in her 90´s and she still cultivates her lands (as was my maternal grandmother).

We don't know what's going to happen to us but, to me, dying young is the most tragic of all fates.

I hope I have been useful.

Good luck!

It is a nightmare seeing your parents suffer. In a way it is comforting knowing what you are heading towards they have gone through it before, still not much of a consolation. Your time is going to come. I suppose we just have to prepare for it. And hope it won't be too bad. Just try to look forward to each new day and think good thoughts. It's all any of us can do.

the way things are going, nuclear war is most likely going to happen in a year or two...we all go out together. So don't worry about it.

It’s not aging in itself that is the problem, it’s the decline in health that often (but not always!) occurs with aging. I know a very active woman in her 90’s. She has good posture, walks a lot (with no need for a cane), and she gives intellectual lectures to a study group.

So “taking care of oneself” to the best of one’s ability is a biggie. Good nutrition. Some form of exercise, to get the blood circulating. Good thoughts (meditation and prayer can help with this). Mental stimulation, be it from books (audio is okay), conversation, or creative endeavors, such as arts and crafts.

Be sure to get sufficient healthy fats in your diet. The brain is mainly fat, and it needs good, natural fats to be healthy. That includes animal fats, such as butter, fish oil, and even lard from grass-fed cows.

Reducing sugar and starches (and replacing them with fats) can improve the mood and brain, not to mention do wonders for the blood sugar. Check out the low-carb, high-fat diet, also called the ketogenic (or keto) diet. There is plenty available info on it on YouTube.

Ceecee and all, what a good thread. I have noticed that focusing on my mother's decline, for her sake, has me almost living it myself. We have to find ways to differentiate our selves from their experience, no point in living through it twice. But also of course this is meant to make us plan for ourselves. I also have a timer set for about when I'll go into independent living, and ceecee don't forget a living will where you declare many of your wishes. I'm trying to observe how one has to let go of pride in many ways, and release yourself to not being fully 'in charge' anymore, like some here have acknowledged. Some of the worst I think any of us sees is the stubborn, quarrelsome attitudes and THAT is what I'd like to avoid.

Lila, thank you! Nutrition seldom comes up in these threads, and I feel like I've heard a dull thud whenever I mention it. Fats in the diet has low social awareness, for sure. And that the cholesterol level is supposed to raise as you age. I'm glad you have such a great role model in your life :) turns out those are important at any age, right?!

I think the decline of others is difficult to watch, but I'm not sure it's as hard for those undergoing it (if their attitude is in tune, like our pets do), to echo what some of them others have said. For all her complaints, my mother has said she feels a natural surrender going on all the time.

I read all the comments and most everyone has their plans in place. I believe for me that having a plan is very important. I know age is only a number, unless your adult son reminds me that my husband and I are getting old. I am 63 and my husband is 67. He has had a lot of health issues. Besides my 91 year old mother, who resides in a nursing home and despised it, there is no longevity in our family. I wish someone had told me to take better care of myself when I was young. We have our wills and funeral plan. My son has promise to abide by the living will. I am a Christian and have faith that God will not give me anything that I could not handle.

I agree Lynn19, I only have to make sure all my wishes are in writing since I have no children, I only have to give my husband my "wish list" and most important, be grateful to God  for all the blessings  I've been able to enjoy here & now!!

CeeCee65, what an excellent conversation you've started! Obviously, a whole lot of us have this very thing on our minds...

I have no kids, so my husband and I will just have to look out for each other as long as possible. I'm always trying to downsize and get rid of "stuff" to make caring for the house easier as I get older. Him... not so much! As far as caring for him (he's 13 years older than me) and for myself, I am taking each day as it comes.

What will the future bring? I have no idea. But this thread is providing a lot of insight. Let's keep the conversation going!

At 60 I don't feel like I'm slowing down at all. The problem remains with my 84 year old mother, who I have recently moved in with. I have no husband or children, I have 1 brother who is wheelchair bound with MS, I won't ever have any help with any care in my future. My dad at 87 is in a nursing home facility suffering with Alzheimer's. I'm working with my mom to try and downsize from he split level home to perhaps a mobile home community, the biggest problem has been with many of the retirement communities and the outrages cost to live in one, we've checked out several in the area. The next big headache is cleaning out my parents home with over 60 years of crap stored in every nook and cranny. There's so much on my plate, and I have zero help with any of it, all this may kill me before old age does.

I'm 70. I was the sole caregiver, for 6 years, for my late wife, who suffered with vascular dementia and its complications until she went Home in 2014. I married a remarkable widow, who has COPD and limited mobility, in April, 2016. I have had 5 major surgeries since 2014, including a complicated open heart procedure. I am currently in good health, and working on losing 40 pounds. All of these things have made me mindful of my own humanity. I could choose to worry about pancreatic cancer, which is rife in my family, and a horrible way to go. I find that choosing to celebrate each day, and looking for humor and communion with God and with others, is a remarkable way to live in the present. We only get one chance to enjoy or worry through each day, and to develop cherished memories. The quality of our days past and present are valuable for our futures. Regrets, which I have observed in others, seem to be the most tenacious of memories, even in the later stages of decline. Concentrate on finding and sharing the blessings of now, leave yourself a legacy of special memories, and trust God for the future.

I'm a physician...so, naturally, I'm the Worst patient and not in touch with my own Mortality/upcoming Frailty. It comes from years of being a Nerd. I stayed Single. My Mother died of a Bad Cancer at 59, almost thirty years ago. As the Only Son, my Father begged me to come back here to the Midwest to care for him. So I DID, for most of two years (I put him in a place the last two months.) It's hard. Try to eat healthy, and exercise (I should TALK-I'm busy cramming for re-re certification in my specialty, so I'm online or listening to DVDs all day long.) I take a low-dose Lithium supplement, to ward off Alzheimer's disease. In Bipolars (which I am Not) the ones prescribed just psychotropics have a 33% incidence of Alzheimer's-the ones on Lithium??....FIVE percent. And you don't need to take the high doses they do to achieve benefit.

Great answers above! Most important: In your fifties, help someone else. If you don't have a family member to care for, step in for someone else or take a hospice course and volunteer there. Consider it "Going to old-age school." It will help you move through the fear. Get your paperwork done and get it notarized; you can improve on it later. Clean up your diet and find a form of exercise that you'll actually do, even if it's only a vigorous half hour daily walk. You'll sleep better at night. (We're 78 and 80 with no family to depend on.)

I think your concerns brings up another very good reason why we must take care of our health today. That means, lose weight, (for many, that means a lot of weight), stop eating processed foods (and that means fried foods, fast foods), and start eating wholesome foods (they are even cheaper than processed foods) and start walking, a lot of walking. Also, let's change our mental mind set -- become grateful for today. Yes, you might not even have a tomorrow. Be grateful for the small things, (can you walk)? Be grateful, many people cannot. All this will make for a healthier and happier present, and eventually old age. Discuss your wishes with family and loved ones, make a Living Will, and save your money. Don't give up control easily to anyone (POA) -- that can be a big mistake, even to a LO. And become more mindful of today, this moment. It's all we ever really have, the rest of our days are gifts. If you are spiritual, think more spiritually, it makes us grateful. And grateful people, even old people, are happier and healthier. Good Luck:)