What can I do to tell my sister our Mom's fine and the doctor said so?

Mn. Pami, what happens if you get seriously ill? I'm a caregiver with officious, meddling family members irritating the beep-beep out of me, too; so I sympathise with how it feels to be lectured by back-seat carers! But your sister does have one serious point, there - I hope it never happens, but if you do have a major seizure or worse spit-spit-spit God forbid and couldn't look after your mother, what would happen?

Your sister's view, I suppose, is that if your mother were already in residential care then it wouldn't matter. I know you've got the medic alert, so that would help with emergencies, but what about temporary cover if you're ill? Would it help you and your mother, and might it cheer your sister up, if you had a contingency plan in place?

There are probably some miscommunications going on here. When you say "Mom is fine" I immediately thought uh-oh, the usual, the out of state person with casual contact thinks nothing is wrong or is in denial, and the doctor thinks someone who can chit-chat for 5 minutes in the office is "sharp as a tack". What I think you mean is that Mom may have some mild cognitive impairments and needs someone to live in with her, but the arrangement you have to do that is "fine." I.e. long-distance sister fears you are in denial and worries about it. Long distance sister needs to know you realize what Mom's level of care needs really are, and that you are providing them, and your medical conditions are under good control so you can continue to do so. Maybe a copy of the doctor's report, with Mom's MMSE score. Maybe a little Skype during whatever time of day Mom functions best, if sister can't just visit and see for herself. Ideally, there would be an agreed upon plan if for any reason you might not be able to manage if things got worse suddenly or over time.

And, as noted above, maybe you better make sure to pre-emptively get the POA papers in order if they aren't, with you as POA presuming that's what you want.

Pam, I say again that I think perhaps your sister wants your mother in AL so she doesn't feel any obligation to help you care for Mom. If she comes right out and says she doesn't trust you, that's a red flag to be on your guard. You don't know what your sister may do.

I would even go so far as to recommend that you discuss your mother's situation either by e-mail or texting (if you do texting) and keep these kinds of discussions by phone to a minium. I just have this uncomfortable feeling that your sister has her own agenda and you could be hurt or damaged in some way in the long run.

I know of a situation when sisters documented each other's activities with their mother - one of them was trying to prove she was a better daughter and constantly undercut her own sister's actions and attempt to help.

These kinds of situations can give vicous. "Watch your six!"

I'm not sure why your sister thinks your mom will be better off in assisted living, maybe because of the chance for socialization? Does she say why she thinks mom would be better off there? Is it possible your sister is trying to watch out for you and thinks you're doing too much with your medical issues?

Tell your sister to call your mom at a later time if she's calling her too early. When I wake my mom up from a nap (when I call her), you'd think she'd been drinking. She slurs her words and is totally out of it until she fully wakes up. She's 94 and has no short-term memory, but can still function in independent living.

thanks everyone! MY mom and I went out and got flowers to plant in her planter for a flower garden and she loves it. Then I sent home and planted my flowers in the garden. I have been planting flowers everytime I feel down and it helps me. I tried to talk to her, but she wont listen. She basis it on when she was here in January and based it on that. The doctor and i have seen improvement in her. My sister calls her in the morning when she just awakens and of course her mind is a little fuzzy
who would be a little fuzzy when you first awaken, but then after she eats breakfast she is fine.I am trying to make my mom happy for as long as she lives. Mean time I have high blood pressure and hypertension and I have had a seizure. I am on medication for both. She wants to put my mom in a assisted living and my mom doesnt want to go. She is fine and she is on medical alert.No she isn't planning to come here and take care of mom. She has also said she doesn't trust me. I have my moms best interest at heart

Your sister doesn't have day-to-day observation of your mother so she doesn't see those daily fluctuations. What she observes is less consistent, so it may be that she's reacting to what she perceives are memory issues based on one conversation to the next, over whatever period of time.

You might first tell her (if you already haven't) that:

(a) You're with Mom on a daily basis and don't see the same issues,

(b) Exactly why and based on what observations has she arrived at her memory conclusions, and

(c) Exactly what she anticipates could be done, given that she's in California, Mom and her doctors and you are here. Is she planning to come here to help care for Mom?

Turn the tables on her and let her help with the mental tasks of caring.

My feeling is that when family complains about some aspect of care provided by the caregiver, they need to be prepared to step up to the plate and contribute.

Have you tried talking to your sister to find out why she feels this way about your Mom's memory? Everyone over 50 has a memory lapse now and then...at least that is my story for now.

I would listen to the doctor and your own personal observation of Mom. Ignore sister. It is hard for sister not being there to help but she needs to be supportive of you! She probably means well but you are the day to day person. Your opinion is the only one that counts.

Good luck.