Should I tell my brother and sister about mom's situation, and her personality changes?

Hey - as you spend more time on this site, you will run into many, many people finding themselves in your shoes. You DO need an escape. You DO need hope that your whole life will not be spent getting beat up on by people who need all your time and energy, and you DO need time to take care of yourself. You are both very special and not special at all - you are a normal human being with normal human needs, and now doing a superhuman job. Short answer is yes, of course, tell your siblings what is going on in hopes of getting support and respite. You may or may not be well-received, as you will also find out from nosing around on here for a while. AND - one more thing - tell your daughter!! The intention not to burden her is "nice" but honestly - if she loves you, does she want you to die and leave her without you?? Who takes care of your mom and dad then, anyways, and why can't they start taking care of them now, BEFORE you can't anymore? A loving daughter would be pretty upset if their mom lets her health go to H in a handbasket without letting her know what's going on, and though she works, she will want to do what she can to help. Please don't keep trying to do something you can't do solo just out of feeling like it "should" be your burden and yours alone...!

BTW, you are probably going to collect a WHOLE BUNCH of posts from people who care about you now. Please keep all of us apprised of how you are doing and what changes you can make...hugs...prayers that you can hang on until help arrives, and that it will arrive soon.

((((Could))))) I have fibro too, but have it under control, mostly. I find that stress makes it worse. Don't use "change setting it off" as an excuse not to make positive change. In the long run you will benefit. You have had much good advice and feedback here.
Now, to quote you
"But, I have to start over, forgive myself and others and get happy and healthy. How to? I do not know. I am stuck for life!"

Just what do you need to forgive yourself for?

I am going out on a limb here, but is there any way your present circumstances are tied to the death of your husband? Are you still grieving and maybe stuck in depression from losing him? Has losing him made you feel that life will never be worthwhile again so you may as well put up with the abuse? Are you lonely? Are you punishing yourself for something you perceive you have done wrong?

As long as you believe you are stuck for life and keep saying it, you probably are, but you do not have to be.

What to do?

Write out steps you can take to improve your situation. Coming here and sharing, and reading the responses is one of them
also
- stop saying you are stuck for life and start telling yourself there is a way out
- tell your sibs and your daughter about the abuse. I know these are big steps, but family secrecy is unhealthy, and allows abuse to continue.. It sounds like you will get a better response from your daughter, than your sibs.
- discuss with your daughter how you can get out of this mess.
- see your doctor for the meds you need. Are you on antidepressants? It does not sound like it. If you are you may need an adjustment. If not I think you need that help.
- fake it till you make it - meaning until your self esteem and confidence rise, fake it by telling yourself you are worth while, and you can make the changes you need to
- start with baby steps -everyday, do something good for you, and/or something that will move you onto a healthier path

These are a few concrete suggestions, and of course, come back and share how it is going with us. People here do care. Keep unloading your pain - it helps.
♥ hugs and prayers Joan

coulditbeme, family secrets are not good and thus I think you should tell your bother and sister what is going one plus how burned out you obviously from what you have written are. Not only do you sound burned out but you sound deeply depressed which anyone in your circumstances would be. It sounds like an antidepressent would be in order so that some talk therapy could help you work through all of this fog.

How exactly has your mother threatened you? If she has made you feel that she is a danger to you, then call 911 and have them take her in to the hospital for a full evaluation and tell the hospital people that you just can't take care of her anymore due to your own health problems, etc.

BTW, who holds medical and durable POA for your mother or does anyone?

Prayers, hugs and love for you as you walk through this very dark time in your life.

Keep up updated!

coulditbeme, I have to argue with you about you not being special. That you stepped up to the plate in what you knew would be a hard situation tells me you are. This is not rah-rah talk. I am just seeing you through different eyes than you see yourself.

I have a friend with serious fibromyalgia, so I know the pain you are in, particularly with the arthritis and scoliosis. You sound like you need help so that you can take some type for restoration. I'm not going to give you advice on that, because there is advice all over the board. I know how hard it is to live with someone who has a mouth on them. They can work at your self esteem and it does have an effect. Sometimes it helps to step back and look at yourself. We all have faults and failures, but you apparently did something right in having a successful marriage and raising a good daughter who loves you. I'm sure before you became a caregiver you had a lot more successes. They are just losing their luster with pain and the constant wearing on your self esteem that you are going through.

You deserve a lot better than this, but as a caregiver I know that you have to do all the work to get your own needs met. You are not stuck for life. The strange thing about life is when you walk to the end of one plank, another is laid down to walk on. Life is like that. So stop chewing on yourself and know what a good person you are. Try to let your mother's words dissolve in the air. They are just her dissipating her own anger with no consideration of the stress they cause. If I could wish anything for you, it would be to wake up tomorrow content. Then you could deal with getting the pain in check without having to worry about any other stresses.

I do think you should keep your siblings updated on your mother's condition and temperament. Even if they don't help, they can't say it was because they didn't know. I hope you are able to get some help so you can take some time for yourself, if only to go out to get a burger or to go to the community center. Looking forward to a shopping trip is also nice.

BTW, most of us on here know how you feel. It is terrible to feel so trapped. It is terrible to feel there is no help. It is terrible to have an elder saying ugly things to us. And it is terrible to put up with all of this when we don't feel well. But I do believe that another plank is being laid down for us. We just don't see it yet.

Could, if you don't have the guts to send your mother to the hospital and let someone else take over and assess her situation, then ask your daughter to. I know you don't want to bother her, but honestly don't you think she'd be madder then a wet hen if you didn't keep her in the loop? I know I would be if I were her. Also it IS time to let your mother's siblings know what's going on, and that you need to get out of this. Swallow your pride and make the call. You are NOT superwoman, but you ARE setting yourself up to be the martyr, which I know you don't want to be. And who can continue without sleep for heaven's sake? And I know your husband is gone, but what about his family? Did you get along with them? Can you call your former in-laws and ask for help? You did create their grand-daughter you know. Reach out to someone who can take over as your backbone till you get your legs again. ♥

coulditbe, my wife was near your age when she decided to no longer be yellow bellied toward her mother when she witnessed her narcissistic mother being abusive to our two sons just like her mother had abused my wife and her twin sister. I had finally had enough of that woman's negative impact upon my family a few years earlier and no longer allowed her to sleep in my house or to go on my family vacations.

If my wife could find the strength to stop being 'mommy's little girl' who was so intimidated by 'mommy dearest', then I'm sure that you can discover the strength deep down inside to stand up for yourself as well.

Unless, it is clinical depression, most depression is anger turned inward. Want to find some energy? Turn that anger outward by getting in touch with your anger toward your mother for being so abusive and stand up for yourself!

It sounds like you focus too much on your faults and failures which only makes you angry at yourself and is just what your mother uses to keep you hoovered into her emotional blackmail which I like to call being lost in the F.O.G. fear, obligation and guilt!

My father in law was an emotionally abused husband if there ever was one, but the sad thing is that he never believed he was strong enough to stand up for not only himself but for his daughters when his wife abused them. He lived in fear of his wife leaving him and not being able to survive without her when in fact she as the abuser was actually more dependent upon him as her slave than she ever wanted to admit. To this day she only expresses loss over his death because he is not there to do everything for her anymore. Does that sound like a strong person? No, she is not, but she wants people to believe that she's the big bad wolf who will huff and puff and blow your house down. However, most narcissists actually have a great inferiority complex and they can only feel good about themselves by making others feel inferior. Part of what I'm trying to say is to not accept how your mother views you. You are not inferior. You are special. You are worth much more than your mother gives you credit for being. I hope for the best for you as you struggle in this situation that feels so hopeless, but does not have to stay that way. Reach out for some help for your own self, save yourself from this abusive situation!!!

Cmagnum thanks for your advice. No one has POA. I am too yellow bellied to send her to the hospital as you advised; although, I sounds great. Mom doesnt physically threaten me. VERBAL to the max and beyond. Yes, I will admit that I am severely depressed. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, back surgery, scoliosis, depression, anxiety and chronic pain. There are probably more. Before I moved in with mom (dumb), I was getting healthy and happy. I always do that to myself. The bad part is I realize all my faults, failures, etc. Any kind of change, (good or bad) makes fibro worse. Now, I am throbbing and burning with pain. Why I keep pushing on is beyond me. I won't kill myself. I love my daughter too much. But, I have to start over, forgive myself and others and get happy and healthy. How to? I do not know. I am stuck for life!
Thanks again for you CMagnum. I really am glad that everyone here really care about others. You all are my only friends. Thanks