Should I tell my parents I can't take care of them because I have Asperger Syndrome?

Having Asperger's doesn't necessarily mean you wouldn't be a good caregiver. In some ways it might be an asset in setting up what needs to be done and then doing it. The one reservation I would have is knowing how an emergency would affect you. Only you can know that, since you know how things go for you.

I know that you can grow up aspie and have people around you never acknowledge it. My father I am sure had Asperger's. He kept to himself and didn't bond with anyone but my mother. He was successful in his job, though. If you were to ask my mother, she would say nothing was wrong. He just didn't like being around people. She never worried about his not bonding with his children. They lived 65 years together and she never thought anything was off at all. I have a brother who is very much like his father, but again my mother says he is just quiet. I understand how your parents don't recognize things.

My only recommendation is to decide what you can and can't do for them. For example, maybe you could do things like taking them to the store or doctor's, but maybe you can't get involved in their day-to-day lives. It is the same advice I would give anyone thinking of being a caregiver.

If your parents don't accept you have Asperger's, I wouldn't force it too much on them. The term didn't even exist in their day, so it would probably strike them as crazy and futuristic. I would set limits on what I could do and help them arrange services if their needs exceed what you can do for them.

They raised you, so they know full well what you are like. Maybe they don't have a label for it, but they know. You share your status with their social worker and their doctor so no one tries to push more onto you than what you can handle. So glad you are staying ahead of this.

My nephew has Aspergers, and opted to take care of his Grandpa in exchange for pay ($15/hour), because he was having an extremely difficult time with jobs. We learned that it was critical to actually write down the exact tasks expected, which was meal prep, laundry and Grandpa's bathroom cleaning. We wrote down exactly what days, hours, tools used, etc. Nephew was incredibly conscientious about meeting those expectations. But could not grasp the "soft" feelingful stuff which non-Aspies do without thinking. As Grandpa declined, Nephew could not roll with Grandpa's incontinence, repetitiveness and cognitive changes and began yelling at Grandpa. After three years of loyalty, my Sister and I had to hire professional caregivers. In retrospect, it seemed Nephew was extremely logical: "Grandpa shouldn't be like that; I yell at him til he comes to his senses." There was no malice or ill-will in Nephew. Just pure logic. That is how it struck me. Maybe assess what you do now, and reach to ask yourself if you can keep it up once your parents' physical and mental condition goes South. But also protect yourself from others not understanding your brain set-up. I don't know if there is a caregiving sub-group for Aspies, I suspect there is. I would be happy to research that for you.

The point isn't whether you have Asperger's or not; the point is you setting healthy limits on what you can do -- for WHATEVER reason -- and not being guilt-tripped into doing more than that. It's time we all stopped being afraid of our parents' anger or pressure or non-understanding. They're just people, and we're not kids.

Diagnosing conditions such as Asperger's and ADHD is a recent practice. The milder forms of these conditions were simply considered someone's 'nature' or personality. So, you have to take that into consideration when judging your parents ability to accept as a disease something that they merely consider your unique personality.
Like any adult child who is facing the role of caregiver for their parents, you have to determine what you are or are not willing and able to do. In the same way that someone with a herniated disc would be smart to get help with any task that would involve lifting their parent, you should assess which tasks you are not up to and get help with them. It can be that simple.

I'm curious what your therapist says about telling your parents?

Please know you can and should be seeking outside care for your parents.. Like every caregiver we get to a point when our lived ones care become overwhelming and we need to step back and let the professionals take over.

Good luck..

If you feel you cannot take care of your parents, no matter the reason why, kudos to you for recognizing this now. Depending on the others in your parents' lives (siblings, social workers, doctors); it is important to find the one person who can start getting services lined up as your parents need them.

Could you tell us a little more about their situation? I see they are living at home, do they have the financial resources to hire a care manager? Any other family near-by whom they trust? Is your address Puerto Rico? I don't know if there is a huge difference in the medical system there compared to here (in Iowa). We have an Area Agency on Aging to call for assistance.

Do you have a hard time calling your parents? I do and sometimes I have a hard time going to visit them, even though I am not diagnosed with Asperger's.

You are not alone; I hope you have at least one person to whom you can turn to for support. The people on this site will always be willing to help, so if is easier for you to come here than to talk to people in person, come here as often as you want. Peace and good wishes!

I agree with 45aliceeileen - take care of yourself first. Just dealing with Asperger's can be a huge challenge. You already help with some errands and appointments and you shouldn't have to be the only one to shoulder all their needs when you're trying to handle your own difficulties. Maybe, as someone else suggested, you could ask your therapist if, or how, you should tell your parents. Sometimes it can help to let go of a secret. I kept my struggles with OCD & depression a secret for many years and it takes a toll trying to hide it. I don't think of Asperger's as a mental disorder.. Isn't it more of a developmental disorder (maybe I'm wrong about that)? In any case, in this day and time, you would hope folks would be more accepting of your diagnosis. I'm no therapist, though, so that's why I think you should discuss this with yours before you consider telling anyone.

you sure can tell them .I know Aspergers is enough for you to handle .Please don't get stressed out by other things .Take care of yourself first ,Your parents know how you are .Why do they expect this big responsibility put on your shoulders .

Chimonger, what a depth of understanding you have! Thank you for the roadmap you shared, it is incredible. I promised to find resources and I am looking as I post this. Remembering my ancestors, stoic and just farmed, hard. No problem. No conversations. Just support and basic security from their unspoken love.