How do we tell Mom's friends and our family that we had to place her in a residential care home?
Not sure if this is more venting than anything else. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with ALZ about two years ago. By then, she was in financial straits and it seemed like we were uncovering one unpaid bill after another. It was also clear that she could not drive (we found multiple unexplained dents on her car) or that she could be left alone for more than a day. She lived in the same small town her entire life and her friends and our family friends insisted to us that she could not move out of town (never mind that it is a 40 minute drive for us), and so we made arrangements for her to move out of her mobile home on to a granny cottage on a family friend's property. After about a year, that wasn't working, as she was not taking her meds consistently and the small space was full of clutter and rotten food. So, about nine months ago, my husband and I (there are no other relatives) made the choice to move her to a residential care home that is 10 minutes from our home. She has her own room. Meals are taken care of and staff gives her her meds. The family that runs the home has a young boy and small dog that she loves. We also get to see her at least 3-4 times a week. She is happy, her outlook is much more positive, she gets along with her fellow residents and has visits not only from us but a couple of friends who live close by. So what's the problem? None really, but it's evident my husband and I are no longer welcome to events in the small town and judgment that we were cruel to not take her in. We are both in our early 40's and work full-time. We make sure she is healthy (as one can make her), safe, taken care of, and happy. We contribute to her care beyond what Social Security covers. I'm at peace with our choices, but it hurts me to see my husband be scolded or admonished. Any tips for dealing with judgmental folks who were once telling us that we were supported "no matter what"? Thanks for listening all, this site has been a comfort to me and my husband.
12 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- My father is hiding accidents and problems he is having from us. Why is this happening?
- How do I care for a parent that's not always been a good parent?
- When my pop died all the children got a check, but we gave them back to our mom and put them into a CD. My sister has cashed them in. Is this fraud?
- How do I stop my siblings from upsetting Dad?
You might make some short videos on your cellphone so that you can show people that she's smiling.
I'm a firm believer in giving people only as much information as I want them to have. If they ask a question that is clearly none of their business, I just gloss over it with a different statement altogether. I don't call them out on it or try to shame them, I just ignore it.
Tiredalready, just try to understand that these people love your mother and expected her to age in place because *that's what they want to do and what they don't want to do is be moved away from family and friends*. But their situation is not your situation. You are being admonished and shamed? So why do you put yourself in the position to be near these people? If they do it every time they see you, it wouldn't be long til they wouldn't be seeing me.
Best wishes to you and your husband. Understand that you are still caregivers, just not "hands-on". Please feel free to come here and read, reply or vent any time you want.
Close friends: "Let me know if you want to visit, I will ask her if I can give you her address".
I love send's suggestion to offer any so called friend who asks if they would like to visit her ?
We're in a small town too, talk about super nosy questions! If they all thought my dad was soooo great why haven't they gone to visit? Grr!! But really glad they haven't 😉