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My 96 yr old mom has lived with me for the last 13 years. After a fall 2 yrs ago it was determined that she could no longer be left alone so I cut back on my working hrs and hired a caregiver for 16 hrs a week. However I am still finding it too difficult to do on my own. I have many siblings, 4 of whom live no more than 10 min. away. They are free to travel, spend time with grandkids and socialize. Most make a point of dropping in unannouced, once a week for an hr., but with no notice given I cant use that time to do more than make a quick trip to the store. I put my moms name on a list for a beautiful, new nh 2 yrs ago and Ive been told her name is now at the top of the list. Whenever Ive mentioned nursing homes in the past my mom always just smiled and said if she couldnt stay with me she would just move in with one of my sister.....they wont take her! They have suggested I just tell her I am moving, take her to the nursing home and pretend its our new apt. Mom does have some short term memory loss but she is well aware of her surroundings and will certainly know she was duped! She is always pleasent, and uncomplaining and I hate to tell her the only reason she cant live with me is the lack of support from her other children. I am heartbroken and so incredably sad for my mom, but I really really need my life back. Any suggestions on how to tell her.....the time is coming soon.

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Take for the tour and tell her it will be some day soon. Let her meet the staff and some other residents. Talk up the amenities, involve her in activities. Have lunch there together. Assure her you will still see her. Tell her you are getting old too. Assign a day to each nearby sibling so she sees each one weekly. Ask the grandchildren to visit on weekends.
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Seems like the best approach is to just gently, but firmly, tell her the truth -- it's too much for you and your sisters aren't up to the job either. If saying this makes you feel like crying, then let her see that too.

This situation is a team effort and your mother may be willing to embrace that concept. If not, then it's time for tough love. Emphasis on love. I find that my 95-year-old mother (who has dementia) is a lot more receptive when I come from a place of love rather than frustration.

Good luck and God bless.
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Dear Windy3737
Making a decision for a Nursing home for your mom can be the most difficult choice. It was for me. It took along adjustment period for my mom. She fell in her apartment, couldn't get up to press the help button nor had realized that her pendant she had been wearing that she could have pressed. I had to take her to Ems for check of breaks. After 3 days and a subsequent care at rehab she the decision for nursing home was apparently what I had to face. Many family members did not disagree. You are choosing a safe place for your mom. And ther are many of your siblings that can visit. And the grandchildren. I had to remind myself mom is there for her safety not to be forgotten. Mom has been at the NH for 2 years. I still feel guilty, but I know she's there for her safety. My faith and my spiritual guidance reassured my decision. When you make your decision I hope you will find peace in your heart in due time. Take care of your self. You are a beautiful person to be with your mom. Be sure to have a Poa for your mom and health care advocate for many decisions at the NH. God Bless.
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I am in a similar situation. I have been living in my mothers house with here for the past seven years. I have no life left, and I have no siblings to help. I really cannot afford to put her in a nursing home, the house is all I have. I had to retire when my father died seven years ago. I was given the choice,"your career or your mother!" At the time, it was not a choice for me. I chose Mom. But now I am beginning to realize what an effect it has had on my own life. My own health has suffered, and I am not getting any younger either. I think sooner or later we all must deal with this decision. I truly feel for you.
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Talk with the administrator at the NH. They deal with your type of problems, every day. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her and get it over with.
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Medicare has a link on their website that rates the nursing homes in your area (if they take Medicare). I have found they are usually spot on. We placed my mom in a nursing home in the 'nice' part of town. It was a very pretty facility. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say looks are deceiving. Found the website when looking for a place to move her. And the one she was in only had one star. Found a 4 star facility to move her to based on Medicare's rating. It wasn't near as pretty but she did MUCH better there. I recommend looking at their ratings before moving a loved one.
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Oh gosh, Sujean, your story sounds just like mine! I'm about to cry right now at work thinking about it. My husband is so worn out from our 2 1/2 years of care of my Mom. He's been so sweet & kind, but it is impacting our relationship now. I'm torn all the time about who to spend time with. I still work full time & we have care givers coming in during the day. I feel so selfish, but I too want to be able to visit my grandkids (none live near us) & them to be able to come stay with us. Right now with my Mom living with us no one can visit & we are unable to travel without the struggle of coordinating all the particulars with Mom. I can't see her living in an AL, but everyone keeps saying she will adjust. I just don't know how I'm going to tell her. She's so sweet, but her mood swings, memory & sadness are depressing me as well. I've always said I would be honest with her when the time came, but now I don't know how. Heartbroken!
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Wow. I try to imagine realizing that your mother is still 'kicking' at 96 and realizing that you just cannot do it anymore. It might be fair to say that to her in the kindest terms possible. I always think about what I would want said to me in this type of situation. She may be frail but she is still a grown up and deserves to be treated as such. You gained your strength and care from her and it's right to tell her that. That you have run a good race and that you will still see her as much as (you plan to). But I am guessing that when you took this on you had no idea it could go on for this long. You have to take care of yourself. Offer up to your siblings to take on her care or you will have to do this. Then find the best place possible, knowing nothing will ever be 'good enough' to assuage your guilt. Not that you should be guilty, but I think it is not possible to not feel some of that.
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This is all I think about lately, even though we aren't quite there yet about actual placement and I've only had one informal tour of the specialty memory care place where my sister works - and where we could not actually tour all aspects of that place. My game plan is still to keep her in my house with me until my present job ends and I actually have to go back out and find other employment, especially if a trial of home care/daycare doesn't pan out. I run this stuff by her now and then to try to get her used to the idea of others being involved since it's inevitable. Like Sujean, my mom likes people and loves attention.

Can someone tell me what the staff in the Alzheimer's-memory care specialty units actually DO for or with the patients in the late afternoons when the sundowning kicks in? My mom is still very much ambulatory and has no physical problems to speak of. Would appreciate somebody elaborating on this; what's a day really like in these higher priced places for folks like my mom.
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I got sick and had my mother in the hospital for respite for ten days and had her kove in with me since Feb 5. Mind you she was home prior to all this and found her memory has worsened but still had the idea of moving back to her apartment almost everyday. She can't be alone anymore and I also am not well but I'm the only one that looks after her because everyone works..same ole stories. She has been accepted into long term care pending a bed is available. Telling her of her condition is disheartening and tried telling het in a monatone voice and told her I loved her..she is mad, not talking to me. Her memory is very short..very. Sad to see her like this♡
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