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My 96 yr old mom has lived with me for the last 13 years. After a fall 2 yrs ago it was determined that she could no longer be left alone so I cut back on my working hrs and hired a caregiver for 16 hrs a week. However I am still finding it too difficult to do on my own. I have many siblings, 4 of whom live no more than 10 min. away. They are free to travel, spend time with grandkids and socialize. Most make a point of dropping in unannouced, once a week for an hr., but with no notice given I cant use that time to do more than make a quick trip to the store. I put my moms name on a list for a beautiful, new nh 2 yrs ago and Ive been told her name is now at the top of the list. Whenever Ive mentioned nursing homes in the past my mom always just smiled and said if she couldnt stay with me she would just move in with one of my sister.....they wont take her! They have suggested I just tell her I am moving, take her to the nursing home and pretend its our new apt. Mom does have some short term memory loss but she is well aware of her surroundings and will certainly know she was duped! She is always pleasent, and uncomplaining and I hate to tell her the only reason she cant live with me is the lack of support from her other children. I am heartbroken and so incredably sad for my mom, but I really really need my life back. Any suggestions on how to tell her.....the time is coming soon.

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Oh gosh, Sujean, your story sounds just like mine! I'm about to cry right now at work thinking about it. My husband is so worn out from our 2 1/2 years of care of my Mom. He's been so sweet & kind, but it is impacting our relationship now. I'm torn all the time about who to spend time with. I still work full time & we have care givers coming in during the day. I feel so selfish, but I too want to be able to visit my grandkids (none live near us) & them to be able to come stay with us. Right now with my Mom living with us no one can visit & we are unable to travel without the struggle of coordinating all the particulars with Mom. I can't see her living in an AL, but everyone keeps saying she will adjust. I just don't know how I'm going to tell her. She's so sweet, but her mood swings, memory & sadness are depressing me as well. I've always said I would be honest with her when the time came, but now I don't know how. Heartbroken!
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There s no easy way to get around the heartbreak that you will feel having to move your mom, I know I did it too. Only I moved my mother into a "age in place" private home that only cares for 4 people at a time. The price is much lower than a commercial assisted living place and 1/3 of what a nh would be. There is a commercial on tv that gives you a number to call where they will assign you to a person in your area who has a list of various care places in your area that you might consider. Prices vary depending on the level of care needed. Of course the large homes have more to offer in the area of activities but each home has different offerings. Also the family has to be the ones to take their loved one to the Drs when needed. Good luck it is not an easy time for you or your mom
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I got sick and had my mother in the hospital for respite for ten days and had her kove in with me since Feb 5. Mind you she was home prior to all this and found her memory has worsened but still had the idea of moving back to her apartment almost everyday. She can't be alone anymore and I also am not well but I'm the only one that looks after her because everyone works..same ole stories. She has been accepted into long term care pending a bed is available. Telling her of her condition is disheartening and tried telling het in a monatone voice and told her I loved her..she is mad, not talking to me. Her memory is very short..very. Sad to see her like this♡
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This is all I think about lately, even though we aren't quite there yet about actual placement and I've only had one informal tour of the specialty memory care place where my sister works - and where we could not actually tour all aspects of that place. My game plan is still to keep her in my house with me until my present job ends and I actually have to go back out and find other employment, especially if a trial of home care/daycare doesn't pan out. I run this stuff by her now and then to try to get her used to the idea of others being involved since it's inevitable. Like Sujean, my mom likes people and loves attention.

Can someone tell me what the staff in the Alzheimer's-memory care specialty units actually DO for or with the patients in the late afternoons when the sundowning kicks in? My mom is still very much ambulatory and has no physical problems to speak of. Would appreciate somebody elaborating on this; what's a day really like in these higher priced places for folks like my mom.
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Medicare has a link on their website that rates the nursing homes in your area (if they take Medicare). I have found they are usually spot on. We placed my mom in a nursing home in the 'nice' part of town. It was a very pretty facility. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say looks are deceiving. Found the website when looking for a place to move her. And the one she was in only had one star. Found a 4 star facility to move her to based on Medicare's rating. It wasn't near as pretty but she did MUCH better there. I recommend looking at their ratings before moving a loved one.
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Sujean, Your Mom can have a roommate, it's cheaper if she shares a room. She can have a little light by her bed. She would have another lady with her all night. Also you can tell them what she likes to eat and what she does not like. They are there 24/7 to help her with things like the swallowing issue. Try it, you can always bring her back home if it is a junk place.
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Sujean your story is sad but you and your mom are both lucky you have been able to be there for her for as long as you could. Because I had to work I was not able to take care of my mom. She's gone now and I feel sad because I could not be there for her like you have been for your mom. Getting old is cruel.
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Moving a loved one to a long term care facility always brings a lot of challenges and issues especially to the care recipient. Most long term care dependents find it hard moving to a facility due to the uncertainty with the environment and living condition and of course, the thought that they will be away from relatives and family members. I have written a few suggestions on how to ease the transition from home to long term care facility at infolongtermcare -
http://www.infolongtermcare.org/ease-the-transition-from-home-to-ltc-facility/
You may find it helpful in dealing with moving your mom to a nursing home
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Wow. I try to imagine realizing that your mother is still 'kicking' at 96 and realizing that you just cannot do it anymore. It might be fair to say that to her in the kindest terms possible. I always think about what I would want said to me in this type of situation. She may be frail but she is still a grown up and deserves to be treated as such. You gained your strength and care from her and it's right to tell her that. That you have run a good race and that you will still see her as much as (you plan to). But I am guessing that when you took this on you had no idea it could go on for this long. You have to take care of yourself. Offer up to your siblings to take on her care or you will have to do this. Then find the best place possible, knowing nothing will ever be 'good enough' to assuage your guilt. Not that you should be guilty, but I think it is not possible to not feel some of that.
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I am dealing with the same situation. Mom has severe dementia now and is in her own reality. She still tells me she loves me everyday and makes me laugh. I am looking at a memory care place with private rooms. The problem I have is that she doesn't like to be alone and starts to cry if she thinks she will be.
She is scared to be alone and likes to be with me all the time. That just breaks my heart. She loves attention and would be okay if lots of aids and workers would be around her. I don't want her just sitting in her room all by herself. She also is scared to go to bed at night by herself, and I don't know how she will do at the memory care place. I usually lay down with her until she goes to sleep. I am so protective of her and I have been so upset about leaving her at the memory care unit. She never lived on her own and was independent. She always lived with family. She doesn't do anything at home except walk around and sit and walk around again. She mostly looks at her magazines and talks to the people like they are her friends. She is a very picky eater and only eats a handful of things I know that she likes. So of course I am concerned about her eating. Today she was drinking water and forgot how to swallow and scared herself. She was always social, but I don't know if she will be at the memory care. I just keep picturing her sitting in her room with nothing to do and feeling so lonely and crying and not really knowing why I left her there. This is so painful to me if I only knew she would be okay.
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I agree, have her Doctor tell her she needs to go. That's what I did. It sucks and it was really hard. But don't think you will be completely free, you still have to go visit her a lot at first. When you don't you will feel guilty. Get ready for chapter 5 of Taking care of your parent, going to the Nursing Home all the time.......It takes a while getting over taking them there but really it is the best for everyone. It's been a year now for me and I still go see my Dad at least 3 times a week. He likes it there, all they do is sleep and eat and look out the window just like they would at home. Good luck, we have all been there, you will do fine, you will be so much happier and you will get your soul back.
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I was advised by my mom's Doctor to tell her that he said that she could no longer live alone and that he thought that she should move into a private ALF. She accepted that explanation but still often asks to go see her Doctor so that she can talk to him about it. If I were you I would modify my explanation to say that your Doctor doesn't want you to be taking care of your mom at your house anymore for stress reasons and that he thinks that she should live in a ALF place. If your were to look for a "age in place" home she would never have to go into a nursing home. Good luck making the right decision for her. I know just how hard it is to make.
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An excellent dementia specialist recommended giving an ADLO medication - such as Seroquel- for a short time prior to the move to help the person stay calm. Then a while after the move, you can taper off the medication.
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Talk with the administrator at the NH. They deal with your type of problems, every day. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her and get it over with.
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I am in a similar situation. I have been living in my mothers house with here for the past seven years. I have no life left, and I have no siblings to help. I really cannot afford to put her in a nursing home, the house is all I have. I had to retire when my father died seven years ago. I was given the choice,"your career or your mother!" At the time, it was not a choice for me. I chose Mom. But now I am beginning to realize what an effect it has had on my own life. My own health has suffered, and I am not getting any younger either. I think sooner or later we all must deal with this decision. I truly feel for you.
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Seems like the best approach is to just gently, but firmly, tell her the truth -- it's too much for you and your sisters aren't up to the job either. If saying this makes you feel like crying, then let her see that too.

This situation is a team effort and your mother may be willing to embrace that concept. If not, then it's time for tough love. Emphasis on love. I find that my 95-year-old mother (who has dementia) is a lot more receptive when I come from a place of love rather than frustration.

Good luck and God bless.
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I hav the same problem than you. Get no help from my 3 brothers. I also need my life back but financially do not have enough money to pay for old age home and my brothers, who took all her money, all of a sudden cant help paying.
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Dear Windy3737
Making a decision for a Nursing home for your mom can be the most difficult choice. It was for me. It took along adjustment period for my mom. She fell in her apartment, couldn't get up to press the help button nor had realized that her pendant she had been wearing that she could have pressed. I had to take her to Ems for check of breaks. After 3 days and a subsequent care at rehab she the decision for nursing home was apparently what I had to face. Many family members did not disagree. You are choosing a safe place for your mom. And ther are many of your siblings that can visit. And the grandchildren. I had to remind myself mom is there for her safety not to be forgotten. Mom has been at the NH for 2 years. I still feel guilty, but I know she's there for her safety. My faith and my spiritual guidance reassured my decision. When you make your decision I hope you will find peace in your heart in due time. Take care of your self. You are a beautiful person to be with your mom. Be sure to have a Poa for your mom and health care advocate for many decisions at the NH. God Bless.
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Take for the tour and tell her it will be some day soon. Let her meet the staff and some other residents. Talk up the amenities, involve her in activities. Have lunch there together. Assure her you will still see her. Tell her you are getting old too. Assign a day to each nearby sibling so she sees each one weekly. Ask the grandchildren to visit on weekends.
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