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My mom has lived with my husband and I for two years. I have treasures this time with her and we are very close. My husband and I have only been married for three years and still feel like newlyweds. He travels a lot for work and would like for me to come with once in awhile but that's very difficult unless we move Mom to a Respite Care facility. We've lost our ability to be spontaneous. To be honest, I feel like I'm in the middle of my Mom and my husband. He has been so patient but he's really wants to have our lives back. And if and when we do move Mom I will still be taking her to doctor apts. and handling all of her affairs so it's still caregiving but not 24/7. My Mom is very tight with money and wants her inheritance to go to my two brothers and I but we've told her it's her money and she should spend it. She has enough to cover maybe five years in a nursing home. This upsets my husband tremendously because he feels like he's being used. My mom lives here with us for free so she can give her money to us kids when she's gone. I'm looking for advice as to what/how we should say to her. She's going to be crushed and I'm just dreading the conversation. And since she has experienced Nursing homes this past couple of years when either we're out of town or she's been in Rehab, we know she won't get the level of care I give her each and everyday. Sadly these homes are all understaffed. Any advice would be great, thanks!

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Coolcat, may I ask how old is your Mom and what are her medical issues? Whatever you do, don't refer to the facility as a "nursing home" because our elders remember what those places were like 50 years ago, back when they were asylums.

So I don't know if bringing in Caregivers to your home, with Mom paying for them, would be a good starting point. You can tell her that at your age you don't have the energy thus YOU, yourself, need help. When my Dad noticed how much the Caregivers were per month, he wanted to to cut cost, so he asked me about the cost of senior living.

Independent Living was more affordable plus he was able to bring one of his caregivers to be with him all morning. He just loved his 2 bedroom apartment which had a full kitchen. And he liked being around people closer to his age, who were also using walkers :) For my Dad, it was the money that was the driving issue, similar to your Mom.
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I agree with Freqflyer. What are her medical conditions that would cause her to require skilled nursing care? The nursing homes are much more expensive than Assisted Living. Has she actually been assessed by a professional to see what her level of care needs are? I'd start with that.

Even though she may not like it, if she she can't stay with you, she can't stay. You can get creative in how you get her into a place, but, with my situation I relied on the doctor. Her doctor said she had to go into AL. Does she need help that you can't provide?

But, if the doctor won't do that, I'd come up with a reason to go and visit a place and if it's acceptable, arrange for her to go with you for lunch or to a social event. Some places have nightly live music after dinner. It's rather lively and very nice. You might say a friend was playing in the band or you know, some reason you wanted to attend. If she sees all the others have such fun, she might not be so opposed when you explain she would be better suited there. Try to make it an adventure, but I'd stay firm.
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You can tell your mom that it's time to relocate if you feel this would be best. However, if you don't feel completely comfortable with that idea, have you thought of hiring someone to sit with her while you go on trips with your husband? This might be a happier alternative if you don't feel comfortable putting your mom into assisted living due to understaffing. Another idea to consider is whether or not someone else can take her in and maybe you can hire them to care for her, this can be a little extra money on the side. I do agree with her wanting to save as much money as possible, but don't let her become a total tightwad, this is no way to live. Yes, she does need her money and I totally understand her desire to give as much as possible to those she chooses when she's gone, but she must remember that she needs it far worse than anyone else especially right now. One thing I would seriously consider encouraging her to do is to set up her preneed with her choice of funeral home while she still can because I'm not sure she would want to burden the family with that responsibility because her wishes may not even be honored if someone else makes those choices. Having a preneed is a very smart move, something to do when you're still able to make those decisions. Paying for them to a special funeral insurance policy is a very smart move. It would be smart on your part to have her put some of her money to use and invest in her future such as a preneed since no one really ever knows when it will come in handy. If you want your wishes honored when you go, do it through a preneed and save all the paperwork if saving up money will be done, but don't just let it sit around unused when you need it now, that's what it's there for
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Coolcat You forgot to state Your Mom's age and Her Health. To be fair to both You and Your Husband it's not an ideal way to begin Married Life, Caring for Your Mother 24 / 7 since You are only three years Married, but You could still manage if You organised Carers to come in and Care for Your Mom's kneed's. Since Your Mom has enough money to cover five years in a Nursing Home Care facility, why not leave Her have the comfort of Living in Her own home where She's happiest, and Your Mom can cover the cost of the Carers Who look after Her.
I heard on Our Local Radio that here in Ireland more than two thirds of the Elderly Who are in full time Care Here could actually be Cared for at home in Their own Homes. That's a shameful statistic, and I am so glad We Cared for Our Parents at Home.
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Coolcat, as you are seeing, this isn't a good way to start a marriage. You have to think of your future. Unless your mom has enormous health issues, nursing homes aren't the only choice. I'd look into your local assisted living facilities, find a nice one and tell her that it's time for her to spend her money. Take her to lunch there so she can see that there's a good social life. But be firm. You can get more advice from the facility's social worker if you like a place and your mom remains adamant about not moving. Good luck. This is the time for change.
Carol
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Is your mom intact mentally? That makes a big difference in the answer to this question. I don't mean to be harsh when I ask that question but it truly does matter. I've learned, firsthand, that sometimes my need to inform (in order to be honest) only does a disservice to my mother's mental stability.
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We went through something similar with my mother, she required 24/7 care for the last year of her life. Luckily we are from a big family and my sisters and I rotated duties. I only lived a few blocks from Mom, but I could not bath her or take care of her very personal needs. I ran errands, fixed food and drove her to appointments.
On the other hand, my father-in-law was a very stubborn man, one night he fell and could not get up, he laid on the floor for hours, even though my mother-in-law was in the house.She took sleeping pills and wasn't awakened.
My wife and sister-in-law both live 45 miles away, My wife is stern and knows how to handle them. She laid down the law and told them they were going to have to move to the assisted living facility. Which is in their very small home town. She told them they could not give up their jobs to stay with them. At our assisted living facility age doesn't really matter that much as long as they are 50 or older.
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I guess you will have to make a choice - your husband or your mother. Marriage is hard enough and takes time to develop a lasting union. Your mother has x number of years to live and you and your husband have more. There are facilities that do good work. Go and interview numerous ones. Good luck with your decision. Your mother probably will meet new friends her own age.
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Mom does not want to spend the money - that is the key. Go around and select an assisted living home (or memory care, if that's the case) and find out how much they charge per month. Then your husband, the "bad cop" in this scenario, lays down the law and says he needs 2x that rent for her to continue living in HIS house (now you play on the traditional sexist values your mother grew up with). You, the "good cop" see how upset mother is, and you suggest that since your husband is being so mean to her, it would be better if she went to that nice facility close by where it is only half that much, and that you can visit her all the time, but at least your husband would be happy. You see the story line developing? Run with it.
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How your 2 brothers chipping in to take Mom for a few months each... I have been to Assisted Living places in my area. Yes they are expensive, however they have 3 meals a day, cleaning, and various activities to participate in each day.
I think you need to determine your marriage comes first.
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Here in Arizona there are also group homes for our elders. They are not well enough to live alone but not infirm enough for nursing home. Much less expensive, and they get decent care 24/7. Her money will last longer and you and hubby can have your lives back.
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It is unfair for your mother to expect you to care for her so that she can provide an inheritance for your other siblings who are not equally sharing in her care. Help her find an alternate place to live that she can afford and start living your life. No amount of an inheritance is worth sacrificing your life as a caregiver.
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Certainly people here have more and direct experience than I do.
What I would suggest is that you talk to social workers and/or a therapist (short-term) with your husband if he is willing to go to sort this out. It is a given that transition and changes are difficult for just about all of us. It will be important for you (and your husband) to be clear on your own needs and boundaries and decisions you both make BEFORE you approach your mom so you are on as solid footing (psychologically and emotionally) as possible and not deterred by her response(s) - whatever they are. You know now that she won't be a happy camper, of course. Prepare yourself. You want to feel good about your decision while knowing it is - or will be - hard and painful FOR A TIME for all concerned. It isn't all 'good' or all 'bad' -- it is a matter of giving them [your feelings] all a voice and acknowledge them all (as I am trained, sub-personalities or one of parts - with the 'self' watching all the parts vying for attention). In other words, you can feel bad or sad in talking to your mom about the move that is necessary while knowing in the long run, feel weird or elated when she signs the contracts to move-in . . . YOU KNOW it will be the healthiest for all concerned - her, you and your husband, and the marriage itself.
I think if you start to investigate elder care facilities and discuss your feelings that you will gain tremendous support and guidance to know how to proceed with the actual placement transition. They are accustom to dealing with these transitions - this is what they do and they will be able to provide you immense support.
Remember to give your mom time to adjust and maintain your equanimity in the process (this is where a good interim therapist might be very valuable for you/r husband) - - to sort out all the complex feelings and allow yourself time to heal while going through these inevitable life transitions. I applaud you for reaching out to this network/resource. It is invaluable.
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Consult a financial adviser, asking him/her whether it is feasible for Mom to divide her assets among the three of you. thus making her eligible for Medicaid--assuming that President-elect Trump is able to resist Speaker Ryan's call for the abolition of Medicare and Medicaid in favor of block grants.
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Coolcat, Perhaps it might make it easier for you (and your mom, too) if your husband could be persuaded to be the one to break it to your mom that you both need some space in your new marriage. How does your mom relate to him? Does she like him enough to understand that HE needs the time with his new wife? If he likes her and she knows it, it will make it easier to persuade her to move.
And another thing... When my grandma had to go to a nursing home, my uncle, who was not married at the time, visited her for several hours every day. He found a home fairly near to where he lived, and during the hours he was with her, he took care of her and made sure that the nursing staff took care of her, too. I have worked in those places, and I know how little the staff can do for patients, and it is good if a family member can still care for a loved one. That way, you don't feel so guilty about placing her there, and your mother still feels cared for. If she is able, you can even bring her back to your home for an hour or two sometimes, or take her out to dinner or whatever. The important thing is that she feels that even though she is physically not in your home, she is still a part of your lives.
Just my advice...
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You have so much more than I'll ever have - a husband, vacations, and options. I can never go on a vacation. I don't have the option of putting my father somewhere because he and my brother won't let me. I finally got some help for cleaning him but they want me to cancel that too. I don't have a life. But, to be honest, if I outlive my father, I still won't have a life because my brother dictates to me what I can and can't do. I either do what he says, or I have no brother. He's the only person who helps me but not very often.
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Have you considered Adult Foster Care? We just recently moved my mom into AFC. Found a nice Christian home with 4 residents + staff. Costs about $1500 per month. They provide round the clock assistance, meals, transportation, cleaning, bathing, etc. As long as you do your homework regarding the home, you can find a nice place for mom that still feels like home (because it's a residence, not a facility).....mom will have the care she needs, you will have your life back.

Above all, stop the guilt and stop beating yourself up. You've gone way above and beyond helping her. It's time you get to enjoy some time with your husband and build a life together.
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Coolcat: Here is one possibility of what could/would happen--
#1 Your mother suffers a trauma, e.g. stroke or CAD.
#2 If so, YOU don't have the wherewithal to care for her.
#3 She then must be moved to an SNF, which will have to be covered through private pay or applying for Medicaid.
#4 You will only fool yourselves if you think your mom's health will stay the same because it will not.
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Coolcat: You could try an AL, but what happens when your mom suffers a TBI, e.g. Traumatic Brain Injury?"
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My mother had a variety of problems as she lived alone. A great neighbor helped some, but it was becoming obvious to everyone that something needed to change.
I talked with her about assisted living and she agreed to go look at a few with me.
There were a lot of "rest homes" in her area but all the ones we saw made living there look like something contagious, and I emphatically said so. We repeatedly told her she could/should come live with us but she had good emotion-based reasons not to and I knew that it would be a tremendous challenge for us all, given the already strained relationships.

One night while I was visiting her she fell on the floor at night, and finding a can of hairspray which she thought to be a flashlight, she crawled around til I awakened and found her. From then on I she started to listen when I told her it was no longer safe to live alone. I enlisted the neighbor in this campaign, and also asked Mom's doctor to start playing the bad guy in my behalf. It wasn't long until she consented
to move the 600 miles from her beloved home to join us.

After an initial visit, she came to understand why we would need to add on to our house for her rather than just offering her the extra bedroom. By selling her house, and using the proceeds, we could do it. Of course, then she would have to work at adapting too, but would be relieved of the responsibilities of maintaining her house. Again that beloved neighbor helped by supporting our goals.

When it finally all came together and Mom moved in with us, it was an ongoing struggle emotionally, but we found her an excellent doctor who she trusted and he was able to influence her too. Mom was with us for just a couple of years, and after she died we found out just why she had been so emotionally unbalanced for most of her life.

And it was all worth the struggles.
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I agree with the others in it would be helpful if we knew your mother's age and mental capasity. My heart does go out to you. My mother had Alzheimer's and we eventually had to move her into our home to live with us. She lived with us for three years. It was not easy and because her mental abililties, or lack thereof, as well as other health issues it was unbelievably stressful. Going to this website for advise and comfort was one of the best things that I ever did. Please read all that you receive. Being realistic with what you can and cannot do is some of the best advise that I received. I did finally have to move my mother into assisted living. It was truly one of the most difficult discussions I ever had to have with my mom, even though she didn't understand everything, she did understand that I was moving her away from my home and she was so heartbroke. She cried and begged me to let her stay with us, so be prepared. It will not be easy. But due to my mom's health issues and my own it was no longer possible for me to keep my mom in our home. I did find a Private Care Home with only six other people living there and it was very nice. They were able to give my mother very good care, although it was never what I could do in my own home, as you obviously understand. Although my mom cried the entire ride there and I cried for weeks afterwards and every time I went to see her for several weeks, she was so much better off and did so well. Sadly my beautiful sweet mother died only a month ago, less then a year after we had to move her, and I am still numb and devastated, but do know that we did the right thing. If my mother was in her normal state of mind she would never have wanted to cause the hardships that her medical problems cause our family. Just remember that love for your mother does not mean that you have to do everything yourself. Finding the best place possible for your mother to stay is very much a part of giving her the best care possible. You will be in my prayers. I hope this was helpful to you.
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Someone mentioned something that really worries me about trumps mention of illuminating Medicare or Medicaid for block grants for each state. I'm not sure if this will make the program is better or worse because what if the money runs out and someone needs medical expenses covered such as prescriptions or other very necessary expenses, then what?
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I totally agree with bringing in caregivers. I am 42 with disabilities. The thought of going in a nursing home when i'm older is one of my worst fears and I wouldn't go. I'd rather live in my own home with help, or not be here at all. It's like the human race, you get good staff and bad staff. You just don't know what you will get. Would you want to live in one?
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I was in a similar situation - but my mom has Alzheimer's. It's hard to comment unless we know what your situation is and what you mom needs assistance with. Does she need a nursing home or would an assisted living facility work? If assisted living would work, I would start by visiting facilities on your own. Get an idea what the pricing is and what facility you think she would like. They are all different. Assisted living may be a better option.

Do you homework first before you talk to her. Start visiting places, see what's out there I found out that the farther I went out - away from the city, the costs would be lower. I placed my mom in a very nice facility in the country that is about an hour away, but half the cost of something nearer to me. I am very happy with it and I do not feel that they are understaffed. It's good to get an idea where you want her, because most of the time there are waiting lists, so it may be a while before you can place. Then when you find a place, talk to her about an senior living community - not a nursing home. A Place for Mom was very helpful to me.

Most places are very accommodating for future residents to come out, visit and have lunch. Good luck, it's never easy.
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When you are being torn in two--between your mom and your husband--how is that fair? It's a dilemma that you should not have to solve. I think you should explain to mom what the situation is and tell her that you love her dearly but it is time to make other living arrangements for her. That as much as you treasure your time with her, you also love and value your husband. Reassure her that you will still be actively involved and will see her often but that you and your husband need time together...alone. Unless she has cognitive impairment, she will remember what it was like to be newly married and how special that time is. I would also reassure her that you and your siblings appreciate her desire to leave her money to you but that you all would rather that she use the money for her own comfort and pleasure.
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She should definitely pay her way whilst living at yours. Why don't you see about your Mom living at one of your brothers house's, seeing how your husband has a problem with you taking care of the woman who brought you into this world.

Just don't put her into a nursing home, unless that's what your mother truly wants for herself.

Just remember to expect the same from your children, as you will be the example to go by.

Speak to your brothers.
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Use your moms money to bring caregivers to the house while you go away with your husband.
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I also note that Mom can't live at yours for free, and I agree she should pay her way.
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Labs4me writes: "It is unfair for your mother to expect you to care for her so that she can provide an inheritance for your other siblings who are not equally sharing in her care." Yes! How can parents not see how unfair this is?

I have had some of this attitude with my mother. She has excellent LTC insurance, but has told me she never wants to use it (because heirs will get the premiums back). Well, I'm the only local sib (and only female), and so does she think I'm going to be her personal attendant? NO WAY. Whatever she might think as she declines further, this is not going to happen. My 3 brothers are fully aware of this.
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I dont think inheritance comes into question. I'd want to make sure my parents were happy, and it's as simple as that. The parents should pay their way though, and that's entirely a different situation completely, as it costs to live x
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