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My mom has lived with my husband and I for two years. I have treasures this time with her and we are very close. My husband and I have only been married for three years and still feel like newlyweds. He travels a lot for work and would like for me to come with once in awhile but that's very difficult unless we move Mom to a Respite Care facility. We've lost our ability to be spontaneous. To be honest, I feel like I'm in the middle of my Mom and my husband. He has been so patient but he's really wants to have our lives back. And if and when we do move Mom I will still be taking her to doctor apts. and handling all of her affairs so it's still caregiving but not 24/7. My Mom is very tight with money and wants her inheritance to go to my two brothers and I but we've told her it's her money and she should spend it. She has enough to cover maybe five years in a nursing home. This upsets my husband tremendously because he feels like he's being used. My mom lives here with us for free so she can give her money to us kids when she's gone. I'm looking for advice as to what/how we should say to her. She's going to be crushed and I'm just dreading the conversation. And since she has experienced Nursing homes this past couple of years when either we're out of town or she's been in Rehab, we know she won't get the level of care I give her each and everyday. Sadly these homes are all understaffed. Any advice would be great, thanks!

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Coolcat, as you are seeing, this isn't a good way to start a marriage. You have to think of your future. Unless your mom has enormous health issues, nursing homes aren't the only choice. I'd look into your local assisted living facilities, find a nice one and tell her that it's time for her to spend her money. Take her to lunch there so she can see that there's a good social life. But be firm. You can get more advice from the facility's social worker if you like a place and your mom remains adamant about not moving. Good luck. This is the time for change.
Carol
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Coolcat, may I ask how old is your Mom and what are her medical issues? Whatever you do, don't refer to the facility as a "nursing home" because our elders remember what those places were like 50 years ago, back when they were asylums.

So I don't know if bringing in Caregivers to your home, with Mom paying for them, would be a good starting point. You can tell her that at your age you don't have the energy thus YOU, yourself, need help. When my Dad noticed how much the Caregivers were per month, he wanted to to cut cost, so he asked me about the cost of senior living.

Independent Living was more affordable plus he was able to bring one of his caregivers to be with him all morning. He just loved his 2 bedroom apartment which had a full kitchen. And he liked being around people closer to his age, who were also using walkers :) For my Dad, it was the money that was the driving issue, similar to your Mom.
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I agree with Freqflyer. What are her medical conditions that would cause her to require skilled nursing care? The nursing homes are much more expensive than Assisted Living. Has she actually been assessed by a professional to see what her level of care needs are? I'd start with that.

Even though she may not like it, if she she can't stay with you, she can't stay. You can get creative in how you get her into a place, but, with my situation I relied on the doctor. Her doctor said she had to go into AL. Does she need help that you can't provide?

But, if the doctor won't do that, I'd come up with a reason to go and visit a place and if it's acceptable, arrange for her to go with you for lunch or to a social event. Some places have nightly live music after dinner. It's rather lively and very nice. You might say a friend was playing in the band or you know, some reason you wanted to attend. If she sees all the others have such fun, she might not be so opposed when you explain she would be better suited there. Try to make it an adventure, but I'd stay firm.
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I guess you will have to make a choice - your husband or your mother. Marriage is hard enough and takes time to develop a lasting union. Your mother has x number of years to live and you and your husband have more. There are facilities that do good work. Go and interview numerous ones. Good luck with your decision. Your mother probably will meet new friends her own age.
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Is your mom intact mentally? That makes a big difference in the answer to this question. I don't mean to be harsh when I ask that question but it truly does matter. I've learned, firsthand, that sometimes my need to inform (in order to be honest) only does a disservice to my mother's mental stability.
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We went through something similar with my mother, she required 24/7 care for the last year of her life. Luckily we are from a big family and my sisters and I rotated duties. I only lived a few blocks from Mom, but I could not bath her or take care of her very personal needs. I ran errands, fixed food and drove her to appointments.
On the other hand, my father-in-law was a very stubborn man, one night he fell and could not get up, he laid on the floor for hours, even though my mother-in-law was in the house.She took sleeping pills and wasn't awakened.
My wife and sister-in-law both live 45 miles away, My wife is stern and knows how to handle them. She laid down the law and told them they were going to have to move to the assisted living facility. Which is in their very small home town. She told them they could not give up their jobs to stay with them. At our assisted living facility age doesn't really matter that much as long as they are 50 or older.
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Mom does not want to spend the money - that is the key. Go around and select an assisted living home (or memory care, if that's the case) and find out how much they charge per month. Then your husband, the "bad cop" in this scenario, lays down the law and says he needs 2x that rent for her to continue living in HIS house (now you play on the traditional sexist values your mother grew up with). You, the "good cop" see how upset mother is, and you suggest that since your husband is being so mean to her, it would be better if she went to that nice facility close by where it is only half that much, and that you can visit her all the time, but at least your husband would be happy. You see the story line developing? Run with it.
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Here in Arizona there are also group homes for our elders. They are not well enough to live alone but not infirm enough for nursing home. Much less expensive, and they get decent care 24/7. Her money will last longer and you and hubby can have your lives back.
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It is unfair for your mother to expect you to care for her so that she can provide an inheritance for your other siblings who are not equally sharing in her care. Help her find an alternate place to live that she can afford and start living your life. No amount of an inheritance is worth sacrificing your life as a caregiver.
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Certainly people here have more and direct experience than I do.
What I would suggest is that you talk to social workers and/or a therapist (short-term) with your husband if he is willing to go to sort this out. It is a given that transition and changes are difficult for just about all of us. It will be important for you (and your husband) to be clear on your own needs and boundaries and decisions you both make BEFORE you approach your mom so you are on as solid footing (psychologically and emotionally) as possible and not deterred by her response(s) - whatever they are. You know now that she won't be a happy camper, of course. Prepare yourself. You want to feel good about your decision while knowing it is - or will be - hard and painful FOR A TIME for all concerned. It isn't all 'good' or all 'bad' -- it is a matter of giving them [your feelings] all a voice and acknowledge them all (as I am trained, sub-personalities or one of parts - with the 'self' watching all the parts vying for attention). In other words, you can feel bad or sad in talking to your mom about the move that is necessary while knowing in the long run, feel weird or elated when she signs the contracts to move-in . . . YOU KNOW it will be the healthiest for all concerned - her, you and your husband, and the marriage itself.
I think if you start to investigate elder care facilities and discuss your feelings that you will gain tremendous support and guidance to know how to proceed with the actual placement transition. They are accustom to dealing with these transitions - this is what they do and they will be able to provide you immense support.
Remember to give your mom time to adjust and maintain your equanimity in the process (this is where a good interim therapist might be very valuable for you/r husband) - - to sort out all the complex feelings and allow yourself time to heal while going through these inevitable life transitions. I applaud you for reaching out to this network/resource. It is invaluable.
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