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I realized that I started asking this question in another post and it probably wasn't the right place, so lets try here.
My MIL has lived with me for the past 11 months. When she moved in, the doctors told us she had about 2-4 months left. End stage cancer (pancreatic, liver, spleen). She has always been a pretty nasty person, that girl in high school that was your best friend to your face and then the moment your back was turned said the most terrible things about you and spread nasty rumors - yeah, that is my MIL. She has spent her life as a martyr, using people's sympathies to her advantage and to get people to do things for her. She is a pretty negative person, and never has been able to empathize for other people's situations. She turns everything around to always be about her, and always has to "outdo" everyone with her problems being worse than theirs. But she is my husband's mother, my kids grandmother, so I have looked beyond her behavior and loved her as I love my own mother.
When she got sick, I of course stepped up and did everything I could to help her. Surgery and Chemo were not successful, so when we found out in June that the cancer had spread, we moved her into our house and decided to make what time she had left filled with laughter and surrounded by family. That was 11 months ago, and now her personality has taken its toll on my kids and myself to the point were no one can stand to be around her. My husband and his brothers help me, they each spend a day with her so I can work but only having to spend 6 hours with her a day makes them less annoyed with her nastiness than myself - I deal with it ALL THE TIME!
Things have become pretty heated the past couple months, especially bad this past month. She fell and was "out of it" for a few days, turns out she was not taking one of her medications (she was dumping it because she doesn't like the taste), which is what cause the temporary dementia. Once she started feeling better and coming around, she accused me of over medicating her and said that was the reason why she was getting "loopy", so now she documents in a log every time I give her medication, the name, the dose, the time. I am the only reason she is still alive, I have fed her, stayed up all night with her, bathed her, taken care of her when no one else would. I have given up my life for her for almost a year. I caught her last month on the phone with a cousin saying that "Well, you know...she just does the best she can" in a rude tone. I couldn't believe it. When I confronted her about it, she said I was too sensitive and that she meant that I do a good enough job considering that I also have to take care of my kids and can't focus all my care on her. She has also told other family members that I am not attentive enough, one day she had to wait 20 minutes for me to bring her tea. She says nasty, snide comments all day long and I am just fed up. I have spoken to my husband, told him I don't deserve to be treated that way in my house, to which is response is "she has always been that way". Well, she may have always been this way, but I don't have to put up with it anymore. If she cannot find a way to appreciate what I do and have done for her, then I can't and won't do anymore.
So how do I tell my husband's family that I am done being her caregiver and that I do not want her living in my house anymore? I have had some health issues lately due to stress and anxiety, my kids hate being home and I have no social life anymore. I can't keep doing this. I have no idea how much longer she has left - it could be two weeks (which I can handle) or it could be another 6 months (which I cannot handle).
Thanks for any advise.

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Sorry but just saying don't take it personally is not too helpful. So her MIL is dying, scared, etc. Does that mean that pbjgear should give her MIL a free pass to treat her like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe? No! My dad had terminal cancer, he got to where he couldn't do the things he wanted to do and he may have been scared himself and I know he was depressed but he never once was nasty to me or anyone else. He stayed the sweet man that he always was. Dying doesn't excuse someone's bad behavior.

I hope you decide to come back pbjgear and let us know how you're doing. If your MIL is still in your home you can do one of three things. Let things continue as they are or tell your husband it's either you or her and he needs to know that if he chooses her then you will be moving out and he and his family will be taking care of her. Or the third thing is set your boundaries with her and let her know that there will be consequences for crossing them. She can treat you with respect or she can go to a facility. Her choice.
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Well, it is wonderful to say don't take it personally but...How would I feel, I would feel horrible, but I'd also understand that it was my responsibility to make sure my needs were met when I was in a position to do so and I would most certainly show appreciation to those that care for me. Patience is a virtue, but I do not recommend martyrdom, if you are in a caring business, it means you are detached and have staff shifts and are not burdened by the whole thing. I do not think it helps to make people feel guilty for not being so perfect.
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Let me say this. Please understand. They are elderly. There life is at the end of the road. How would you feel if you could no longer take care of yourself. People younger than you telling you what to do. How would you act. Please think about that. I have been a caregiver in Houston for over 25 years. Actually in the business. Don't take it personal. My aunt did me the same way. But when family asked her about moving away from me. She said No. Although I heard her on the phone talking about me. Patience
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It has been 5 months since the initial post. Just wondering how pbjbear is doing.
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You wrote that hubby "calmly escorted me from her room and told me to calm down, that there was no use in arguing with her because she doesn't think she is being mean and she won't change." Hey he's right. But does that mean you are just supposed to suck it up without respite? You are getting abused because MIL thinks your husband's lack of support for you and failure to even grasp the depth of your raw emotions, plus her pitiable state = full time care from you no matter how bad her behavior is, no holds barred, no questions asked.

Now, I'd say that's BULL...and the next question would be, is she right, or can some limits be set? Pancreatic cancer is a horrible disease, but in itself does not make you demented or excuse being continuously just stupidly and inconisderately biting the hand that feeds you..
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I would arrange for hospice like others have suggested. Your spouse will turn a deaf ear at this point. But, stand your ground and state it simply and without drama, mean it and make sure they know that you mean it, or else, what? Do you know what you will do if you can't get through to them, if you draw the line then what is the repercussions if your needs are not heard, be sure you are willing to follow through then do it.
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pbjgear, my heart breaks for you, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because you love your husband you took his mother into your home with the intention of making her last days as nice as you could. Unfortunately for you things did not happen the way everyone thought they would. I really believe that narcissists especially ones with cancer can outlive what they are given for time because the evil in them kills the cancer cells. I have seen it happen with the most hateful people who should be on their deathbeds but somehow continue on. I feel for your husband too because I am sure growing up with her as his mother did not create a lot of happy memories and like others have said he is programmed and has learned what to do to survive growing up with her. You deserve to have peace in your home, it is your home, not hers and I am sure when you are out its take everything you have in you to go home, that is wrong, it is your home, the home your children grew up in and the home you and your husband made a life together in. Having yoru MIL there is taking everything good that happened in your home away from you because your good happy memories are being overshadowed with what is going on now with your MIL. Your MIL is terminal so its time to move her into a hospice center, she will receive love, compassion and everthing she needs to be comfortable. I don't agree with a prior poster who suggested you talk to her, she doesn't care anything about you, I am sorry she is dying but it does not give her the right to treat you like dirt and make your family anxious and unhappy. I believe if you move her to a hospice center you can visit her and the relationship you have with her through the end of her life will be much better as you will not be dealing with her at home. You deserve peace in your life and you have given all you can to her, she just doesn't appreciate it.
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If I were in your shoes. I would tell your husband you can't take care of her anymore and you don't want her in your house. It will be his responsibility to talk to his siblings and figure out what to do with her. Set a date as to when she will need to be out by and if they can't get her out by then they should be required to pay you so you can stay in a hotel until such a time when they can get her out. If your husband won't listen to you then make a contract and have him sign it. Try to keep the emotion out of it. Is she Narcissistic, yes probably. Is she difficult? Yes. But keep in mind your main goal is for her to leave your home, because you do not have the time or energy to take care of her. Good Luck!
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Well, after a huge fight with my sister-in-law about her helping out more with her mother who had dementia (she felt helping every other Saturday for a few hours was more then enough for her to do, meanwhile I had the 24/7 watch).
I just told my husband that I had enough dealings with his family and being the caregiver for his mother and told him he needed to talk to his siblings and figure out what they were going to do. That was it! I watched her for one more week after that and then the visiting nurses were called in. They determined my MIL could no longer live alone and she was placed in a nursing facility.
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With hospice care they also give counseling for the family. Try not to take it personally i know how difficult that is. Make sure you offer one solution for three family before telling them about your situation. Remember, she will die, and your kids will recover. This too shall pass. Call hospice today.
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How do you tell your husband and mother-in-law? Just sit them down and tell them everything you have told this forum, without their interruptions, and say if things do not change for the better, you will get an outside job (or you'll go on vacation by yourself, etc.). Since my husband has already had a spleenectomy as well as the distal portion of his pancreas removed, having the liver involved with her cancer makes it a really, really critical diagnosis. I am a nurse, and I would call in the hospice of your choice and let them give you respite. There is no charge for hospice, her doctor can write an order and you can get some much-needed rest. By all means, take care of yourself first because she really is not going to last much longer. How much time, no one knows, but you will know you gave it your best shot and now you need some time off. Best wishes!
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LOL, slightly scarred, like slightly pregnant. I agree with hospice. If there is a reason this is not happening, I would arrange to move out for a little vacation time. I would visit my family or friends and stay a while. I would take some time off of work to do this for my mental health, that is just me. I would firmly, kindly put out your truth and if is not well received then take care of yourself because they won't.
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Is there a good hospice home near you? If so, she will get wonderful care there. The woman is terminally ill, on loads of meds, probably scared to die and in some discomfort. Even if she was a sweetheart it would be hard. You are overtired, emotionally spent and mentally frazzled. Even if you are a saint, it would be hard. Time for family conference with a "I am so sorry, I just can't do this anymore" Perhaps a visits to your doctor with his suppport that this is beyond what you can handle will help the family accept your decision.
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You have several options, one of which being if your husband or his family does not support her being elsewhere: move out.
My FIL is the same way. At his point in time, he is in a rehab facility. I have already offered for my husband to move in with him and will in no way feel any ill will toward the situation. However, I will not move my father-in-law in with me. I was in a caregiving situation where my mom took care of my grandparents off and on for 15 years. I will not put my child through that.
I will however move out of my home with my daughter if my narcissist FIL attempts to move in.
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Try to get to calm place and simply tell your husband it's just too much with no end in sight and you need a change/break.
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PBJ I hear you on your story. The only advice I can give from my own experience as my Dad might of gotten this way just a few times and when it first happened I told him Daddy I am your daughter and not a nurse and that offends me. He cried about it and apologized. So I learned when he got in those bad moods or bad moments I did not take it personal as it did have an effect on me in the beginning. When you can let go of the mean stuff she is saying and tell her it is YOU that is taking care of her and not a stranger that you would love to have respect back. If she can not oblige then remove yourself from the remarks and know that not to take them personal as it may be part of her illness or side effect of her meds. I am just saying as I don't know the entire story but sharing what I did and it worked out fine. We all have rough days and our loved ones do. Taking yourself away and not taking it personally (I know sometimes this is really hard) you may be able to tolerate it better. And then if you can't well then someone else will have to take over for her. You could set your boundaries and stick to it and also you need some rest from it too. I took care of my Daddy for 27 months and he passed almost three months ago. I got sick and now I am under doctor care. The toll it takes on a caretaker no one will ever know until they do it and then have to get medical attention for total exhaustion, I hope this does not happen to you or to anyone on here..it is not fun. Blessings and hugs out to you. Set your boundaries!
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Is care in a Hospice House available where you are? You and the rest of the family could visit as often and for as long/short a time as you like.
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pbjgear, sorry I took off on talking about my own situation. I just identify with yours so much. Your MIL's attitude is more like my mothers was. I've wondered how bad it could have gotten if she had lived to old age. She was a narcissist too! Can't imagine her attitude mixed with my MIL's mental illness and controlling behaviors! I shudder at the thought!
I did ask my Hubby if he wants to go with me or shall I go alone to the NH to check it out. He said we could go together.
I did tell him in January that I plan to be living in MY home by Christmas. I really think he just needs me to take the first step.
I hope he will see my vision for her living in a good place, close enough to our house so we can visit her every day. Our son & his family live close to there too & can visit more often. I feel ok about it because I"m friends with the apt mngr there and know some of the residents (I used to sing there).
It will be so freeing to know someone else can take care of her meds, bath , food etc. (I can't tell you how many times a day I hear "can I borrow your eyes?, or "but I can't see" like a whipped puppy") It will be a joy to get to come and visit her, then walk away...
I don't know how the conversations go with your hubby, but I'm praying he will find favor with you and understand what he needs to do for YOU. ;-)
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pbjgear, first of all, tell your husband how much you love him, and are SO THANKFUL that he's NOT like his mother (I'm assuming he's not). Then you take matters into your own hands. Get his mother's attention when you're alone with her, and tell her you're sorry she's dying, you're sorry her life has turned out like this. You tell her how grateful you are that she had such a wonder son who you were fortunate enough to marry. And for the wonderful children that you and he had. Then you ask her if she wants to spend her last days on this earth pushing the very person (you) that has been trying to make her life easier, away. My intention I guess is to make sure she is actually AWARE of what she's acting like, or is she on auto pilot. You do not have to be the brunt of her abuse though. Bring it to her attention, then call her on the carpet when she acts badly. She's old, she's dying and she's mean spirited apparently, but she's also in need of help, so YOU are in charge in my opinion. I feel sorry for a person who is obviously so miserable, and not just because they're dying. But because they chose to be that way in the beginning I guess. Sad.
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God bless you. You need grace upon grace. Okay, so now to answer your question. First, tell your husband that you are done. Tired. Pooped. Sick. Tell him that you need his support as you and he BOTH write an email to all involved. Let the siblings know that you will take care of the MIL until such and such a date and to please let you know by XX where you should send your MIL.

Set very, very clear boundaries. You don't need to give a list of reasons. It is obvious you have given over and beyond what her other children have done. Simply give your end date and request a response from them as to where the next place of care will be.

Do you have POA? Who is managing her finances? Do you have enough to place her into assisted care?
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I like the branding or tattooing....they should have a program for Narcissists like in the movie Stepford wives, at least they serve the needs of others instead of using others for their needs, LOL!! My mother treated the family, my father and us kids like garbage, we were all a burden, however, she treated people she worked with like fine gold so people on the outside of the family thought she was sooo sweet.

I agree with the hospice idea and considering the dynamics of the family and you being the dil, sil, I would just get your husband on board and not clue the rest of the family as to your real reasons for doing it...just saying she requires more care than you can give should suffice and if any of her other children feel different...let them have at it. Tell them your health needs attention. I suggest this to avoid a family fight and you being the target. I am sending you hugs...it's a tough place to be in and I support you!!
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Christina - I like the brand idea..go with that!! LOL! Plant one on each of my SIL's foreheads while you're at it! A narcissist sees the world as his/her stage and life as a game which s/he intends to win at all cost - s/he will USE people like pawns, but always with that saccharine sweet ingratiating smile on his/her twisted face. (Can y'tell I've been burned once or twice?)
Pbjgear - is there a reason hospice wasn't considered before this? Are your husband and his siblings against it for some reason? I agree with Madge, Christina, and Chicago. Time to sit hubby down and have a frank heart to heart. You have gone above and beyond. He should appreciate that and support you wholeheartedly. ((((Hugs))))
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Just remember this behavior did not begin when they became elders. Narcissists are always nasty either blatantly to their victims, or ingratiating to those they need to trap into feeding them and their needs. They whine to get attention & act helpless to get sympathy. Then they ZAP you when you're not paying attention. Pay Attention !
They should wear tee shirts printed just for them: "It's ALL About ME!"
Or a big "N" tattooed on the forehead. Or branded. You pick:)
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JPFrazzled, children of overbearing, controlling parents often become passive aggressive. They can't make a decision. Both my husband and brother in law are this way. This is their way of dealing. My husband is this way because his mother was a Catholic school teacher (should have been a nun). She controlled every aspect of her children's lives, especially when it came to religion.

However, she was a very nice, unselfish, sweet woman a heart of gold. So my husband is only "slightly" scarred from her. She has since passed and I miss her. I just don't miss her "church lady" stuff. Noooooooo
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I'm so glad I read this post. I've been living IN MY MIL'S house now for 3 yrs. I'm at the same stage! My mil is controlling and everything is about her, she ties everything she hears , to her delusional self. BUT the big difference is she kills you with kindness. I feel bad because I'm sick of hearing "thank you". I try to be grateful that she at least says the words of kindness, but it's only if I do EVERYTHING her way! If we try to change anything she will rant, in her condescending steady drip until my husband gives in to her!
He seems to have the same attitude as your husband. Like because she's always been like this, I need to just learn from him how to deal with it. He is unable to make the decision to move her to assisted living! No plan at all. Just keep on keeping on till she dies....she was 93 when we got here & she's 96 now! I may not ever be the same af ter living in this state of limbo , for who knows how long!
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It is time for your MIL to move to a hospice facility. If not, she will out live you.

Do no let this family take advantage of you any longer.
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Lol! I posted on your wall two other sources if you want to confirm that you are dealing with a Narcissist. They are DEADLY. At least with scorpions you can squish them with your boots.
Get your ammunition ( knowledge ) then tell PAhubby who has been crippled by the witch that you need him to get her into a place where she will be taken care of. Stick you with the fork because You are DONE!
Do you see how they can override even a deadly disease? This is not a miracle from God. No. Try again.
Sadly, you may have known someone like this before. I hope your husband is strong enough to put you and the kids FIRST. No offense meant:) xo
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Dear pbjbear, you are dealing with a narcissist here. Your MIL is exactly like my mother. She cares only about herself. You should never have had the burden of caring for her placed on your shoulders. Your husband is so off base I don't even know where to begin.

First, he is passive aggressive. Probably from dealing with his mother.

Second, she is HIS problem, not yours. She should never disrespect you in your home.

My SIL was a nasty individual who decided she hated me and my BIL's wife. We could do no right. My husband, like yours, took the passive aggressive approach. My BIL defended his wife and wouldn't invite the SIL to his home until she respected his wife.

Today my nasty SIL is receiving treatment for depression. She is nicer. But I had a wake up moment with my husband and his inability to defend me against his family. It is his family, his problem. Not mine.

Tell your husband you are done. Don't back down, don't be nasty, just be firm. If he doesn't support you, your problem is much more than a nasty MIL. Your husband is being passive aggressive and not supporting you. He should care more about you than to expect you to take abuse off a narcissistic mother. This is very selfish behavior.

I wish you luck. Please go to the site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. I know she is not your mother but I think you will see her photo there along with my mother's photo, if you get what I mean. :)
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Since she is terminal, I suggest you check into hospice (usually with her doctor) immediately. Some hospices have a facility where she can stay until she passes. I would then frankly discuss it with your husband about the toll it is taking on you, and how you're trying to do your best, but that it's getting to where more help is needed in "dealing" with her - and that it shouldn't be you. It's great that you stepped up and helped out when you could, but caregiving is extremely hard. It sounds like everyone didn't expect her to last this long - so it seems unfair that everyone expects you to continue caring for her since it was only expected to last about 2-6 months. If a hospice facility cannot be located that can physically take her in, then look into senior apartments or assisted living. Hospice can come to them to care for her. Good luck!!
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Gosh, that's difficult. And only you can really know your husband and the relationship you two share. Do you think you should tell him beforehand what you decide to do, if you do, so that it won't catch him off-guard and maybe cause him to react instead of respond to his family's reaction to your decision?
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