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I realized that I started asking this question in another post and it probably wasn't the right place, so lets try here.
My MIL has lived with me for the past 11 months. When she moved in, the doctors told us she had about 2-4 months left. End stage cancer (pancreatic, liver, spleen). She has always been a pretty nasty person, that girl in high school that was your best friend to your face and then the moment your back was turned said the most terrible things about you and spread nasty rumors - yeah, that is my MIL. She has spent her life as a martyr, using people's sympathies to her advantage and to get people to do things for her. She is a pretty negative person, and never has been able to empathize for other people's situations. She turns everything around to always be about her, and always has to "outdo" everyone with her problems being worse than theirs. But she is my husband's mother, my kids grandmother, so I have looked beyond her behavior and loved her as I love my own mother.
When she got sick, I of course stepped up and did everything I could to help her. Surgery and Chemo were not successful, so when we found out in June that the cancer had spread, we moved her into our house and decided to make what time she had left filled with laughter and surrounded by family. That was 11 months ago, and now her personality has taken its toll on my kids and myself to the point were no one can stand to be around her. My husband and his brothers help me, they each spend a day with her so I can work but only having to spend 6 hours with her a day makes them less annoyed with her nastiness than myself - I deal with it ALL THE TIME!
Things have become pretty heated the past couple months, especially bad this past month. She fell and was "out of it" for a few days, turns out she was not taking one of her medications (she was dumping it because she doesn't like the taste), which is what cause the temporary dementia. Once she started feeling better and coming around, she accused me of over medicating her and said that was the reason why she was getting "loopy", so now she documents in a log every time I give her medication, the name, the dose, the time. I am the only reason she is still alive, I have fed her, stayed up all night with her, bathed her, taken care of her when no one else would. I have given up my life for her for almost a year. I caught her last month on the phone with a cousin saying that "Well, you know...she just does the best she can" in a rude tone. I couldn't believe it. When I confronted her about it, she said I was too sensitive and that she meant that I do a good enough job considering that I also have to take care of my kids and can't focus all my care on her. She has also told other family members that I am not attentive enough, one day she had to wait 20 minutes for me to bring her tea. She says nasty, snide comments all day long and I am just fed up. I have spoken to my husband, told him I don't deserve to be treated that way in my house, to which is response is "she has always been that way". Well, she may have always been this way, but I don't have to put up with it anymore. If she cannot find a way to appreciate what I do and have done for her, then I can't and won't do anymore.
So how do I tell my husband's family that I am done being her caregiver and that I do not want her living in my house anymore? I have had some health issues lately due to stress and anxiety, my kids hate being home and I have no social life anymore. I can't keep doing this. I have no idea how much longer she has left - it could be two weeks (which I can handle) or it could be another 6 months (which I cannot handle).
Thanks for any advise.

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It is time for your MIL to move to a hospice facility. If not, she will out live you.

Do no let this family take advantage of you any longer.
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Well, after a huge fight with my sister-in-law about her helping out more with her mother who had dementia (she felt helping every other Saturday for a few hours was more then enough for her to do, meanwhile I had the 24/7 watch).
I just told my husband that I had enough dealings with his family and being the caregiver for his mother and told him he needed to talk to his siblings and figure out what they were going to do. That was it! I watched her for one more week after that and then the visiting nurses were called in. They determined my MIL could no longer live alone and she was placed in a nursing facility.
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Lol! I posted on your wall two other sources if you want to confirm that you are dealing with a Narcissist. They are DEADLY. At least with scorpions you can squish them with your boots.
Get your ammunition ( knowledge ) then tell PAhubby who has been crippled by the witch that you need him to get her into a place where she will be taken care of. Stick you with the fork because You are DONE!
Do you see how they can override even a deadly disease? This is not a miracle from God. No. Try again.
Sadly, you may have known someone like this before. I hope your husband is strong enough to put you and the kids FIRST. No offense meant:) xo
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pbjgear, first of all, tell your husband how much you love him, and are SO THANKFUL that he's NOT like his mother (I'm assuming he's not). Then you take matters into your own hands. Get his mother's attention when you're alone with her, and tell her you're sorry she's dying, you're sorry her life has turned out like this. You tell her how grateful you are that she had such a wonder son who you were fortunate enough to marry. And for the wonderful children that you and he had. Then you ask her if she wants to spend her last days on this earth pushing the very person (you) that has been trying to make her life easier, away. My intention I guess is to make sure she is actually AWARE of what she's acting like, or is she on auto pilot. You do not have to be the brunt of her abuse though. Bring it to her attention, then call her on the carpet when she acts badly. She's old, she's dying and she's mean spirited apparently, but she's also in need of help, so YOU are in charge in my opinion. I feel sorry for a person who is obviously so miserable, and not just because they're dying. But because they chose to be that way in the beginning I guess. Sad.
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Just remember this behavior did not begin when they became elders. Narcissists are always nasty either blatantly to their victims, or ingratiating to those they need to trap into feeding them and their needs. They whine to get attention & act helpless to get sympathy. Then they ZAP you when you're not paying attention. Pay Attention !
They should wear tee shirts printed just for them: "It's ALL About ME!"
Or a big "N" tattooed on the forehead. Or branded. You pick:)
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Well, I guess the only way, really, is just to come right out and tell them just that.
And maybe give them a version of what you've told us here that is suited to them (meaning be frank and open but no need to be unkind...not that you were, but venting, etc.). Keep it non-emotional, non-challenging, and without accusations or petulance.

Just state the facts. Give them a deadline. And commence to getting things on your end ready, such as packing, etc.

Will your husband back you up in any way when it comes down to it? It sounds like you might need to work this out with your husband first so that you have the support you need when you make your announcement.
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Since she is terminal, I suggest you check into hospice (usually with her doctor) immediately. Some hospices have a facility where she can stay until she passes. I would then frankly discuss it with your husband about the toll it is taking on you, and how you're trying to do your best, but that it's getting to where more help is needed in "dealing" with her - and that it shouldn't be you. It's great that you stepped up and helped out when you could, but caregiving is extremely hard. It sounds like everyone didn't expect her to last this long - so it seems unfair that everyone expects you to continue caring for her since it was only expected to last about 2-6 months. If a hospice facility cannot be located that can physically take her in, then look into senior apartments or assisted living. Hospice can come to them to care for her. Good luck!!
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Dear pbjbear, you are dealing with a narcissist here. Your MIL is exactly like my mother. She cares only about herself. You should never have had the burden of caring for her placed on your shoulders. Your husband is so off base I don't even know where to begin.

First, he is passive aggressive. Probably from dealing with his mother.

Second, she is HIS problem, not yours. She should never disrespect you in your home.

My SIL was a nasty individual who decided she hated me and my BIL's wife. We could do no right. My husband, like yours, took the passive aggressive approach. My BIL defended his wife and wouldn't invite the SIL to his home until she respected his wife.

Today my nasty SIL is receiving treatment for depression. She is nicer. But I had a wake up moment with my husband and his inability to defend me against his family. It is his family, his problem. Not mine.

Tell your husband you are done. Don't back down, don't be nasty, just be firm. If he doesn't support you, your problem is much more than a nasty MIL. Your husband is being passive aggressive and not supporting you. He should care more about you than to expect you to take abuse off a narcissistic mother. This is very selfish behavior.

I wish you luck. Please go to the site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. I know she is not your mother but I think you will see her photo there along with my mother's photo, if you get what I mean. :)
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Christina - I like the brand idea..go with that!! LOL! Plant one on each of my SIL's foreheads while you're at it! A narcissist sees the world as his/her stage and life as a game which s/he intends to win at all cost - s/he will USE people like pawns, but always with that saccharine sweet ingratiating smile on his/her twisted face. (Can y'tell I've been burned once or twice?)
Pbjgear - is there a reason hospice wasn't considered before this? Are your husband and his siblings against it for some reason? I agree with Madge, Christina, and Chicago. Time to sit hubby down and have a frank heart to heart. You have gone above and beyond. He should appreciate that and support you wholeheartedly. ((((Hugs))))
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I like the branding or tattooing....they should have a program for Narcissists like in the movie Stepford wives, at least they serve the needs of others instead of using others for their needs, LOL!! My mother treated the family, my father and us kids like garbage, we were all a burden, however, she treated people she worked with like fine gold so people on the outside of the family thought she was sooo sweet.

I agree with the hospice idea and considering the dynamics of the family and you being the dil, sil, I would just get your husband on board and not clue the rest of the family as to your real reasons for doing it...just saying she requires more care than you can give should suffice and if any of her other children feel different...let them have at it. Tell them your health needs attention. I suggest this to avoid a family fight and you being the target. I am sending you hugs...it's a tough place to be in and I support you!!
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