What words can I use to tell my husband who has dementia that I need so time away from him?

Sounds like you need to hire a caregiver to be with him when you leave. Your guilt is self-imposed. You need to accept the fact that you are unable to meet all of your husband's needs let alone your mother. You will be unable to do any caregiving if you neglect your own needs - emotional, physical and spiritual.

EmilieK, I'm so sorry you have such a heavy load. I think the best way to deal with this situation is to find someone to come in that you can trust and then TELL your hubby in a kind way that you are going away for 2 or 3 days because you are exhausted and you need a break. If you get over the hurdle of going away the first time than eventually he will probably be more accepting when you go away again. You have to remember that YOU and your health are equally as important to that of your husband and mother. It will be hard but I know you can do it :-)

{{{{Emilie}}}} Hugs to you. :)

Ah guilt. It seems that most of us caregivers struggle with it when we have any thoughts of taking a much needed break from our caregiving duties. You're not alone!

My suggestion would be to make the plans to go and spend some time with your daughter and then tell him once the plans have been made.

It isn't necessary to give any reason for going other than you just want to spend time with her. No need to say that you need time away from him...even if that is the truth of the matter.

I truly hope that you will start making plans for some time away and that you're able to lay down the burden of guilt and allow yourself to be refreshed. That will be a good thing for both you and your husband in the long run.

Please keep us updated.

Incremental steps are sometimes a good idea. Find a caregiver than can come and stay with Mom and Hubby for a couple of hours. If that works, then a half-day; whole day; then a couple of days with your daughter, etc. Then keep up the relationship with caregiver for at least a couple of hours every week so that there is a plan in place whenever you need to take a break.

If your husband has dementia, I am sorry but nothing you say will be with him for very long anyway. Hire a care giver that is aware of how a dementia patient talks. Tell him you are going out, firmly but not with any rancor or anger. Then go. If the care giver is worth his/her pay, they will deal with it. You can change the subject later if he brings it up or very nicely say "it is not going to change, I am going out 3 times a week'. There is no use discussing it with him. You have to do what is best for both of you.