How can we tell when my father doesn't remember something or is just not listening?

MissBBW, I liked your idea of the object in hand. It's not only a good idea for the elder but gives the caretaker something besides the elder's repetitive question to focus on. My aunt uses a form of that method on me all the time. If she is low on something, she puts the empty box out for me to see so I can pick it up for her. It works.... Most of the time.

We already know men have selective hearing :) and probably need hearing aids long before their egos will accept that. My father wears glasses to see, so why not a hearing aid to hear? When you introduce dementia into the mix, it's anyone's guess. They do not know when their batteries aren't working. They might not even have the hearing aid in correctly or it could have water in the tube or they could have wax in their ears. They can't tell you any of this and it doesn't really bother them nearly as much as it bothers you. So you face them directly and speak as clearly as possible and try several times to get your point across, keeping it as simple as possible. Or you drop it. My father got hearing aids to please me and I was happy he was able to join back into the conversation.

Our mother has had hearing issues for a long (no hearing one side, hearing aid on other, but will often misplace/lose it or forget to replace batteries). Combined with dementia (mostly short term memory loss, but drifting more) she will repeatedly ask the same questions. Hearing loss is one this, the 'want to hear self' issue people mentioned might be a factor, but in mom's case, she just doesn't remember. During a 10 minute phone call, she will repeat the same things over and over and over. It is frustrating, but as I told my brother, you can't fix it, you just have to deal with it. The easiest way is to pretend you are "dad" at the table with the newspaper... yup, uh-huh, oh really, yes, or just keep answering the questions. It isn't easy, but it can be done. You have to change your own response to this frustrating issue as you cannot change them.
I do try to recommend to people to get all the elder financial issues taken care of before they go to deep, and then start researching home health aides or a memory care place, because it will become worse and you might suffer trying to "do it all". I already knew where this would lead, and cannot physically care for her myself. She refused to move, whether to a brother's place or a facility. As I write this, she is moving into a place (again, not really willingly, hopefully they can get her acclimated soon).
Also, for anyone who has been in the armed services, the person could qualify for benefits to help pay for services, if it is determined to be needed.

You might want to try placing a small object (which is related to the place you are going) in your Father's hand to hold, on the drive there to help him remember. For example, if you are going to the grocery store, perhaps your Dad could hold onto either your real grocery list or a fake grocery list, if you think he may tear it up. When he asks you each time, "Where are we going ?", you can say "Dad, we are going to the grocery store, your are holding the grocery store list, in your hands now. " I am sure, due to his dementia, he will still keep repeating and asking the same question "Where are we going ? " Hopefully, with him holding onto a small object, which is related to each place you visit, it will help him more than current words alone, informing him where you are taking him.
Try and find small items for each place you take your Father, an empty pill bottle could represent either the drug store or doctor's office, etc.
You need to always use the same small object which is associated with each place you take him, in attempt to help him use a combination of a visual object, tactile stimulation = holding the small object in his hand(s), in addition to hearing your answer, every time he asks "Where are we going ? ", all in effort to help his brain with dementia, effected by memory loss.
If you try this and it does not work at first, please don't give up, please keep trying, before you chalk this new method off your list. This method can work, however, it takes time and patience.

My 65 yo hubby plays the selective hearing thing to the point I want to scream! And I do, sometimes, because he DOES have significant hearing loss and refuses to do anything about it. I have to literally find him in the house, be sure he is looking at me (he is partially lip reading by now) and speak in loud, clear tones to him. He has missed several flights in the last year b/c he simply doesn't "listen" and misses the announcement that they're "now boarding"--that's embarrassing. He just recently got a "sound bar" to boost the lower tones of the TV in his room. If he is watching a movie with a lot of deep sounds the vibration in the walls literally makes the pictures in MY bedroom shake. He thinks this sound bar is AMAZING! (Obviously we aren't sharing a room anymore--all due to the fact he HAS to have a TV in the room and it HAS to be on all the time he is home.) I have developed a constantly raspy throat from having to raise my voice to make him hear me. He says that I (and everyone else in the world) mumble and only he has perfect diction.
No dementia, just a huge ego. He thinks hearing aids will make him look old. One of my daughters said "Dad, you ARE old and saying "what? What? all the time makes you look ancient". He does not care. He does do some of this to be nasty...and he loves to "poke the bear" meaning, he LOVES to tease me.

Trying2doright: I just got down to the part where you said we could stand and cry together. What a sweet comment! BIG HUGS!

Trying2doright: You're welcome-I meant to say that.

Trying2doright: Aww, thank you for your sweet words about sobbing at church. I will if the situation overwhelms me. Isn't that something about the elders and socialization?! My late mother would talk to a possible criminal (just a random example) if they would offer her socialization! And she dug in her heals to live alone in her own home in Massachusetts, even though we tried many times to get her to move to Maryland, where many of us could have taken care of her. She said no "I am so happy I live in my own home." I said "well, I am not because you've fallen and not told me and started fires in your microwave and never told me!" Argh! Poor souls-they drive us crazy, but I guess cannot help it? Idk. Oh no! Abuse happened with your mother? How horrific! One man that was a friend to my mom said "you're mother is a scared elderly lady. Well, who knew? No me, nor my brother because she didn't speak up! Why do they do that??!!

Llamalover - Hi again and thanks! You raise a really good point on the cleaning woman and socialization. I know that with my mom, unless there is total physical abuse (which we know has happened) if an aide is kind and talks to her - then she is golden and mom doesn't want intereference (even if she is eating mom out of house and home, or taking her chocolates, or whatever.) It is a difficult balancing act. As for going to church and crying - I hear you and feel for you and know just what you mean! I too will just start with the tears streaming down my cheeks. But, if you can't cry at church and while listening to hymns then when can you! Most people the go to church know some kind of hurt - they are there to make it through this life and to rely on God. So, if you cry - feel free and may God wipe your tears! To bad we can';t be standing next to each other, I'd give you a hug! Or maybe we could cry together and give mutual hugs! I think that is the good thing about this site - we can kinda do that for each other! Prayer and Peace for you caregivers out there!

Thank you for all these answers. With my mom ... my husband and I feel she is playing a game with us with her selective hearing and sight. She will look at me while I'm standing in the kitchen and squint her eyes and say "Is that you?" Then when I am taking her upstairs she will point out every little particle I missed with the vacuum. She can see a bird in the woods but can't see where the refrigerator is. She seems to know all that goes on in the house, but can't hear any of the questions I ask her. SOOOO . I'm going to remember this post from all of you and address mom as I would my great granddaughter who drives me crazy with her constant chatter and I never let HER know it, ha! THANK YOU

trying2doright: You're welcome! Yes, our elderly loved ones now have childlike mannerisms. If my late mother was mad and didn't like the truth, she would just clam up like a 2 year old! Her cleaning girl was ripping her off, saying that she was there for the allotted 3 hours, What a load of BS! She was there for 40 minutes, clogged up a vacuum cleaner, started a fire almost in the dryer, and other things. Does it take a genius to be a house cleaner? No, of course not! Mother was VERY unhappy when I told the woman's boss she had been cheating her all along! The boss was grateful that I told her. My mother liked the cleaning girl because it was socialization and mother didn't mind being ripped off--apparently!!! Yes, this is absolutely a great forum because just about the time we're ready to lose our minds, we can talk to someone else. I only struggle with flashbacks of thinking I'm still living with mom out of state.Then when I'm at church singing a hymn, I start thinking of mother and start crying. People must think "what is wrong with that woman?!!" Thank you for asking! Happy New Year!

Llamalover, thanks much! But, I wasn't offended. Yes, I often say that I am now the parent of a 5 year old, or sometimes younger. It is what it is. I think what I do object to are the harsh or judgmental statements folks sometimes post without really carefully reading what is posted. We are all trying our best and we need to be a good support for each other. This really is a great site and support community. Llamalover, are you also still struggling? Peace and Happy New year!

Please be as patient and kind as you can. One trick as you settle into the driver's seat is to ask him to hold an index card that says your destination on it. He'll be "helping" and hopefully be able to look at it. He may not remember a conversation but may well remember he doesnt remember and the feeling if you're often frustrated with him (avoid "I told you before", eye rolling). This can be very frustrating to both of you, and depressing for him, so be kind. Dementia is hard on everyone involved. The "joking" response may be a defense mechanism. Dementia affects the "filters" for many and they end up saying something without realizing it was inappropriate. When they see the reaction, they realize an oops, but it may be hard or embarrassing to explain or even remember what they said. Experience with my own family and an SNF. One self-monitoring trick if you feel yourself losing it is to think if someone was watching, would you be proud of your response? We are human, but if you feel your own sarcasm/defense roiling up, try to take your frustration out on an inanimate object in your bedroom or a journal or let out a good scream in the car alone. Repeating questions and answers is natural for young children and older adults. The difference is we think it's cute when a child does it, and somehow offensive when an elder does it because we think they mean it or can control it, but they really can't. Love, strength, and grace to you for caring so much.

you need to have a assessment on him tell your doctor they will arrange it as you need to put things in place that needs to be in place ie poa lpo deputyship next of kin hes will hes heath the banks etc ther list goes on

Trying2doright: So sorry to have offended you because it wasn't intentional. Yes, I went back and reviewed your "sometimes." Please forgive-it just brought me back to that time with mother. As others have posted even repetitive statements aren't able to be absorbed by their aged mind because that mind is not the same, sadly. Any amount of working with my late mother was met with resistance, akin to a 2 year old.

Hello Llamalover, there was no memo and there is no need for sarcasm! We share OUR OWN experiences in the hope that it helps others - we are all in this trying to make out way.

To quote what I wrote " With repetition they will get it, sometimes. Sometimes mom will say when will you bring me... when I just gave it to her 5 minutes before. When I reinforced to mom it was okay not to always remember she started feeling safe enough to tell me, I really can't grasp it sometimes, so I need you to repeat it. She will even say, say it again so I can try to understand. Patience and kindness goes very far."

My own personal observation is that often I encounter people (including some family members) that wrongfully attribute intentional negative motives they would assume in normal people to folks with dementia. It isn't just the dementia patients who aren't getting it! Dementia is a whole different world - a whole different set of rules and constructs. I ask myself, how would I like to be treated if my neurons were no longer functioning properly and my reality changed? Good luck!

My father will read ALL the signs on the way to a destination. I haven't figured out why. Maybe he likes the sound of his voice. Maybe he's practicing his vision.

He has hearing aids through the VA and has had them for 6 years and they are working just fine. Back to square one.

Has he had a hearing check? Untreated hearing loss is a very serious issue with symptoms that mimic those of dementia, and left untreated, it significantly increases the risk of developing dementia and exacerbates the symptoms of dementia. Think about it, we can't remember 100% of what we didn't hear in the first place. Furthermore, untreated hearing loss is a big strain on the brain, taking a lot more concentration to understand what's being said, which can be mentally and physically exhausting. Properly fit hearing aids can really help if untreated hearing loss is part of what's going on. Please schedule a hearing check with an appropriate hearing care provider (audiologist or hearing instrument specialist) in order to figure out whether this is part or all of the issue.

My husband has dementia and has always loved to make people laugh and has a laid-back personality - never complains or gets ugly, but says that he just doesn't want to "make a mistake" when he asks the same question that I JUST ANSWERED! He had brothers at an early age who made him feel very inadequate. Also, he likes to make people laugh and considers things he says as "funny" when it's not really funny at all. Is there such a thing as covering up for not remembering by trying to be funny?

Your father is listening, but not processing the who, what when or how. It's hard not to say " I told you before...., etc, just be polite and let him know what your are doing. Another way of setting up reminders, is I always have a positive written note at breaksfast with the month and date, & the day's schedule. That took a lot of frustrations away, and it has given my father the opportunity to read more than the paper. I did the same with my mother before I lost her in Feb this year.

First of all, your father is NOT playing a game. Get him tested for dementia. That should solve any remaining questions about his brain function, and then get him a hearing test. He probably needs hearing aids which will have an impact on his brain understanding information.

I would recommend taking him to a professional to be evaluated. In the end there is no surefire way to guarantee the right answer as symptoms can be confusing.
If he has a history of dementia though, it is likely his dementia getting progressing.

I'd say it's probably dementia but if he only does this with you then it could be selective hearing or a game. I like the suggestion of mixing it up just to see. If you are going to the clinic, tell him that. The next time he asks, tell him it's the grocery store. The next time tell him it's Chicago. See how he reacts to these things. This could give you a clue whether illness is the reason or if he's playing a game with only you. If so, then you can talk to him about it. If he is developing dementia, then everyone needs to get on board with proper treatment and plans.
Best wishes,
Carol

Trying2doright: "With repetition they will get it?" Guess I didn't get that memo. I could talk to my mother over and over and she missed the point EVERY TIME! And why? Answer=she wasn't listening! She was thinking about what she was going to say!

Memory and hearing issues can be very frustrating. But, you can get used to it and just automatically repeat the answer. With repetition they will get it, sometimes. Sometimes mom will say when will you bring me... when I just gave it to her 5 minutes before. When I reinforced to mom it was okay not to always remember she started feeling safe enough to tell me, I really can't grasp it sometimes, so I need you to repeat it. She will even say, say it again so I can try to understand. Patience and kindness goes very far.

I do not agree with toying with a person who has dementia or hearing loss. For the loved one with dementia, toying with them and telling them you are going to the grocery store instead of the doctor's is just going to confuse them more! And telling them you are going to the grocery store and they are going to the doctor's will make them feel vulnerable, unless you say "We" are going to the doctor. My brother thinks it is very humerous to play with my mother's head. It is cruel, not funny. And when she does get it, she feels very hurt and confused. Why would you want to confuse someone who suffers from confusion through no fault of their own?

I agree with ignoring the nastiness. I have learned that when it gets to over-the-top, I will ask mom directly why are you being nasty to me I am here for you and I love you. Please do not be nasty to me. And she backs off. If she doesn't then I cut the visit short or remain silent and she gets the point. It is negatively reinforcing bad behavior without causing harm. P.S. Mom and I had a horrible relationship throughout life - she was no picnic! But, with time, need and compassion things have so changed! Change is always possible!

Liz, your profile says he has dementia. He really does forget, it is part of the disease. They are often the hardest on the people that do the most for them. If he says he asks where your are going, most likely he really doesn't remember. Hang on, it will get much worse.

SeniorHelpNow: Quite honestly, sometimes it's too much effort for the elder to repeat it or hear it again! If you think not, wait until you've reach their age.

You can't ever tell unless you ask him. Many times they can't hear so well and just don't ask you to repeat it. Just ask, he will tell you.

As I age I have my senior moments, but I have and excellent memory as did my father-in-law at age 93. I think many times we become intolerant of today's world and become cynical of the younger generation. I still volunteer and guide; I give history tours of one of our National Parks. BUT that doesn't mean that everyone is this way. My mother-in-law has had a mental issue for years and now suffers from dementia. She can not remember anything. Her dementia is very obvious.
I can understand your frustration with your elder. My ex-father-in-law was simply a mean horrid man. He was an alcoholic, and suffer from delusions. I am NOT saying you elder is and alcoholic, but may simply have other problems, Everyone is different, I retired from working in the mental health industry, I have seen some really odd problems. Get help, see someone in the mental health industry, they have tests they can give him.