How to tell my family it's time to stop the holiday celebrations?

Katiekate, I think the day can still be special. If she can go out for a drive, why not plan a route of Christmas light displays? Then maybe plan to watch a Christmas movie together with some special snacks, rather than planning a traditional meal. That sounds cozy and special.

For many years I did all the work for the Holiday family gettogethers. Ugh. I spent days cooking in advance. Weeks baking and stockpiling cakes, breads and cookies. Ugh.

Then, one year I suggested that we all go to a 5 star restaurant. Wow..you would have thought I suggested converting to satanism! So, I was more forceful....I was not cooking that year, so everyone bring part of the holiday meals, bakery goods with you. Funny...one by one they all found another obligation with the spouses' family. Cool. That is where it ended.

Now, these days I do not know what will happen. It looks like there is just Mom and me. My parents were the very last of their generation. And have out lived most of the next generation besides. My own son is too swamped with his own family and disabled children...between dealing with that and working 2 jobs, they will not be coming to visit.

I am thinking to do a small dinner and head to bed early. Avoid the TV, and just try to skip it altogether. Maybe some has a good idea? I just cannot see a ton of food to go bad, or gifts that neither one of us wants or needs. With Moms' disability, going anywhere is always an ordeal....going out for more than a drive is just not something that is done for fun.

Midkid58, we watch my MIL's other offspring ignore her most of the year. On Mother's Day and her birthday she mostly gets cards; will maybe see a couple of the other sibs. Rarely does she even get a phone call during the year. So if we canceled having a get-together and suggested they go by and visit with their mom for Christmas, she'd get...more cards. And CaringRN, I agree with CarlaCB; if she doesn't know the difference then that's the time to stop. The selfish part of me wants my MIL to not notice, but the part of me that really loves her is thankful she's not that far gone. We just want her to be happy and can't understand why the others seem to care so little.

Oh, and thanks to insomnia + Amazon Prime and all my shopping is done. I won't even walk into a single store for a gift this year. :)

Realtime---15? I do dinner for 15 every other Sunday! Try over 100! That's how many people mother "expects" at her family parties. I don't know at what number the family dynamic implodes--but I think it's 75. And when 1/2 of those are under 10.......wow. I'm feeling better and better about not having the family party as I read these posts (not that it was troubling me one iota anyway).

Let them throw the party BUT. You and parents go early, stay for an hour and retreat to the peace of their home. I don't want to spend more than that in a room full of active children either.

Adding to that, it's comical and somewhat enjoyable, seeing people rush around and become frazzled getting food for dinners and presents for Christmas all the while you are doing stressfree shopping. Plus, there is the added entertainment of Youtube videos of shoppers "fighting" over huge discounted tvs, dvd players, etc and new release products at Walmart, Target, et al either during or after Thanksgiving.

Not celebrating Holidays, especially Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years, is really a blessing. It's nice to treat them as another day.

When my parents were alive and in their 90's, I use to do the planning as my parents use to come over for the day, it was just the 4 of us as I have no siblings nor children.

I would start cleaning my house.... I would ordered a pre-cooked holiday dinner, everything would need to be heated up on a time table.... clean house.... buy the Christmas cards... write out the cards... write the letters that went into the cards.... clean more of the house... did the Christmas shopping... bought the wrapping paper, wrapped the gifts... got those gifts wrapped for mailing.... still cleaning the house... buy a Christmas tree... decorate the tree... decorate the house, the Snow Village would take a couple of days.... finish cleaning the house. And I was still working outside the house to boot.

And sig other wondered why I was so tired and grumpy on Christmas day. Hello, he thought he did a lot to help me... well, if one counts looking for a Christmas tree at a local lot help, guess he did help me :P

Since my parents had recently passed, this year I will volunteer at the hospital on Christmas day, they always serve a nice meal for the holiday.... as for gifts for sig other's relatives, will write checks this time. As for personal letters to everyone out-of-town, this time a holiday newsletter. Oh, no buying a Christmas tree, I will put lights on the fig tree in the living room, and candles in the windows. If sig other wants more, he's able to do it himself.

@CarlaCB- you know, after I posted this & set it free, I came to the same conclusion. Thank you for your response & for helping me to see clearly

I'm so happy to see this topic come up. Very timely. When we're all together, there are 15 of us. It's doable, although my mother, 96, still stresses out about the details. It falls to me to plan, coordinate and do whatever advance work gets done, since I live with my mother, and the others all live out of town. Everyone, especially my kids, my nephew and niece, and the adult grandkids are very good about helping. The problem is that the out-of-towners usually arrive on Christmas Eve, so it's almost too late for them to help decorate, do the preparatory cooking and so on, and they're tired from traveling. But I'm grateful that everyone feels that it's important to make our mother's Christmases happy and as much like they used to be as possible. This year I'm going to be a little firmer with our mother about what gets done, who does it, and what we just don't try to do anymore. By trial and error, we've pretty much defined the current non-negotiables: there WILL be a fully decorated Christmas tree; we WON'T buy a pre-prepared Christmas dinner at the supermarket; the last family members to leave after the holiday will take down the tree and store the ornaments, etc. I confess, I look forward to a distant future when someone else will organize Christmas to make me happy. I'll try to be easy to please.

CaringRN - If your Mom really won't know the difference, I'd say don't bother. Especially if the other siblings won't be joining you and aren't willing to help.

With the holidays fast approaching, I'm relieved to see this subject reposted & read the responses. My husband & I just had this conversation last week. With my 92 year old Mom now bedridden & dementia progressing, I feel unable to cope with the holidays this year. I don't know how to manage both this year. Do we physically carry her from bed to wheelchair to table on Thanksgiving, then repeat the process when she soils her diaper during dinner(it happens frequently), then I excuse myself to clean her up, unable to finish my meal because of the smell lingering in my nose(sorry-I'm being honest). I really don't think she will know that it's Thanksgiving. Please don't respond with "ask your siblings to help" because they have their "plans"& it's not spending their evening with their Mom. I appreciate your helpful, conscientious advise. I'm unable to cope right now.

Oh my--it IS this time of year again?? SO SOON?

Last year's Christmas party was a success--b/c it was the LAST!! I had a little mtg with my family after the party (less than half of the family showed up) and said "Let's vote: anybody want to keep this old tradition alive?" Not one of 5 sibs said yes. The brother who was supposed to tell Mother hasn't done it yet. She has been hinting around about it to me, and I am not going to be the bearer of bad news. We honestly thought she wouldn't make it another year---and we DID have a big summer family party (again, fewer than half of the family showed up) so this just tells me that our family has hit max capacity and imploded, so to speak.

I emailed the sibs and told them I wasn't planning a party, and made some suggestions that each family make an effort to stop by Mother's and see her. A one-on-one family to Mother ratio is always better. Whatever each family chooses to do is up to them. I know Mother hates the dying out of old traditions, and it is hard to see the changes. My own "little" family has not, and will not be together for Christmas probably again in my lifetime. It's something we have to accept and roll with.

I am giving my grown kids a box of candy and a check for each family to put towards something they'll actually use and need. My son and his wife didn't even send us a card, which made me really start thinking about how crazy the holidays make me.

So--the best way to tell your family you're done with huge traditions that just can't be supported? Stop organizing them and see what happens. Once I stepped down as "party planner"....it all just kind of went away. Hoping this year is more peaceful and pleasant.

FindingPeace, I think the idea of holiday movies on DVD is one of the best I've heard. It's a much better Christmas present than can be bought in the stores!

Since the holidays are rolling around again I thought I'd add my two cents. My MIL is 87 with Alzheimer's, for about nine years now. Christmas was always a big deal at her house and she worked herself to death, including having gifts for all six kids and a dozen grandkids. However, she could no longer stay organized enough to buy gifts, plan food, etc., so little by little my husband (POA) and I took over the planning and executing. Three years ago we relocated her to a mobile home in a retirement park and the first two years continued to plan the annual get-together and even come up with memory-type gifts (memoir and home movies on DVD) for the family members, and made sure the great-grandchildren got presents. At that point the only thing that meant anything to her was the gathering of all her children since everything else was quickly forgotten, and the other details were going downhill. No one was making any effort to cook except me, bringing things like microwave vegetables and bagged salad. My MIL was no longer able to make decisions so her gifts were basically chosen by others and she quickly forgot what they were. Also, everyone was complaining about the size of her mobile home.

So last year my husband reserved a dining room at a restaurant local to his mom and we all met there. We had a better turnout than usual since no one had to cook. MIL expected everyone would go to her house afterwards but no one did and I'm sure she soon forgot about it. She was actually dropped at home while some siblings went and visited at the house of one of them, which we opted out of - after five years of my husband being the only one of her children that cares for her day-to-day needs and sees her more than twice a year (he goes by twice a week), he's not so enthusiastic about visiting with family so much. We were just relieved it was over for another year.

I guess my main point would be that each situation is different, but especially in the case of Alzheimer's or Dementia, make gradual necessary changes that they can handle. Try to preserve the things that are important to the parent and that might still stick with them, like the time with family. As much as we'd like to discontinue the gathering, my husband still plans it for her sake.

It can be hard to find the balance between going completely overboard and sitting at home like a reclusive scrooge.
My BIL and his family have to have things their way or they have a total meltdown and do nothing at all (pouting loudly all the while); it's got to be held on christmas day, you have to buy presents (even when you are told please please no more!), you have to have certain foods. This extends to other holidays and birthdays as well, in the end everyone is frustrated because no one can possibly live up to the fantasy.

I prefer the just because gifts that someone might get you out of the blue when you
are least expecting it. I mean there really is no meaning out of a gift that someone felt forced to buy you cause of the date on the calendar.

I always find my stomach tied in knots this time of year and then I get an upset stomach and can't enjoy the day anyway.

GardenArtist--
I came to my computer to email my family the update for our party---literally, ONE person even wants to have it--Mother, and she's not speaking to me.

I like that comment "traditions that become mandatory, become unwanted obligations". I could have done an entire needy family's Christmas for what I have spent on this party so far.

My youngest daughter simplified her life a few years ago. She goes to what "family events" she chooses, and no more. I got 15 minutes with her on Mother's Day and felt lucky. BUT, she will often drop by with a gorgeous necklace for me--or bulbs for the garden-whatever, and spends a couple of hours with me. --she lives her life according to her inner peace. I kind of wish I had the guts to do that!!

Sandwich, very well said. Exactly my sentiments. Traditions that become mandatory become unwanted obligations. There are more compassionate and humanistic ways to spend holidays that actually spread cheer and good will, by reaching out to others in need.

Gershun, I really don't think it's that terminating the rituals means someone doesn't care any more; it just means you won't be held hostage to societal and retail driven traditions that no longer define your own family activities.

I am a firm believer that adhering to "traditions" established for society are tantamount to a level of control I find offensive.

Perhaps the worst activity around the holiday is those tv reporters with their pounds of chemicals on their faces cheerfully asking people how much they're going to spend this year. I wish someone would ask me, but my answer would never get past the censors as I'd say that I think people should do or not do exactly what they want to do and completely ignore spending money on presents their family either doesn't need or doesn't want.

Gershun--maybe that's true. I'm always so relieved when Christmas is over--I'm not made out for the family drama that seems to always be simmering...and we're really a pretty "easy" family. The expectations for the "perfect Christmas" are shoved in our faces 24/7 for months before....like if I don't have a new Lexus in the driveway, I won't be fulfilled. I happen to know Hubby has bought me exactly nothing. He might hit Walgreens tomorrow night for some candy, but that's all I can hope for. So--yep, lowered expectations is a good idea :)

Midkid I'm sorry your husband forgets about you and expects you to make Christmas for him. I think a lot of women take on that role.

I would be happy if they made it a new rule that once you turn 18 nobody has to get you presents. The present part of Christmas should just be for the kids. Once you are out making your own money you can buy yourself what you want.

Me too. I am almost always fairly depressed at any holiday and happy when it's over. The tree comes down Dec. 26th, the house is back to "normal" and I breathe better after Christmas is over. Too many years of doing all the work of Christmas for a big family a big extended family and seeing hubby sit back and once in a while remember to get me something. One year he looked at me at HIS family's party and said "what did we get my mom?" and I said "The ROYAL we? WE got her nothing". All he had to do that year was buy ONE present and he couldn't do it. He was so embarrassed, but he didn't learn. Same thing this year, he has bought me nothing. I hate when the g-kids ask (so excitedly) What did you get for Christmas? and I say "Nothing". Last year my granddaughter cried and cried and tried to give me some of her stuff. This year I will lie and tell her he gave me new tires, a new elliptical rider and some soap I love. Not lies, I actually treated myself, but still, it helps to have no expectations.

Sometimes I wonder if we as adults just lower our expectations and lower our expectations until we get to the point that we are afraid to care too much about anything lest we get hurt, therefore the lackadaisical attitude a lot of adults have towards Christmas.

Lets face it, Christmas will never be like it was when we were young. Awaiting Santa's arrival, running downstairs to open our presents. Our parents healthy.

I am trying to just take things as they come and hope for the best.

I have to throw this in, since it is funny/sad/on point.
I reserved my church building for the family party for the 26th. A woman in my 'church family' passed away on Sunday. Her funeral and the dinner for the family after the burial are at the church I had reserved, on the 26th. In our "rules", a funeral supercedes all other events, except maybe a wedding reception. So, my family party is likely not to happen. The family has the use of the building from 8 am until 10 pm, to use as they see fit, or need.
I emailed/texted all 4 of my sibs telling them I can't reschedule, and we may have to cancel. 3 of the 4 replied within minutes that they honestly didn't care. The one (brother who mother lives with) said, "well, mom will be sad but it's fine if it doesn't happen). So I know for a fact that if I have to cancel, literally 2% of the family will care. Hmmm...we also have a stomach virus raging through my own kids' families.....Merry Christmas!! (That's actually a tradition that we'll never get over--pukey grandkids).

help2day - I totally agree how healthy throwing out and donating can be. About six years ago we moved - only about ten miles from the old place to a charming little home on a lake! Short of winning the lottery this is as close as I ever expect to getting my "dream home". While actually about the same size as the old house and having more storage space I still made the decision I wasn't taking anything I didn't really love - I view this as a fresh start and know this will probably be the place I live until I'm too old to manage here. So we rented an industrial size dumpster. Being the baby of a depression era baby - I thought I knew better but I was stunned at the amount of junk I held onto "just in case" over 20 years. At first I was hesitant but soon got into the swing of things then moved on to over-zealous! Since my son is an only child and has sever autism I didn't see the point in hanging on to much "history" - no one to pass things down to - so out went yearbooks, photo albums etc. and the amount of cloths and furniture I donated! Some how I had over a dozen pair of black slacks for goodness sake! Anyhow - when the dust settled I felt amazing - lighter and free. There are a few photos I regret tossing - never occurred to me I could end up like my mom and forget who people are, what my own family looks like. But overall - I recommend the process! Now I am waiting for when my mom passes to get rid of another load - the stuff she passed to me that I never wanted but took out of obligation. I wait just in case she says "I'd like one more dinner on my fine china". God himself couldn't save me if she found out I had given it away! And I'm am finding myself once again accumulating "just in case" junk - so my New Years resolution is to toss five items a day for a month - little or big, five items. Give it a try - I think you'll like it! From one ex-retailer to another - have a good Christmas. Spend it however, doing whatever feels right for you!

Gershun--
I have a SIL like that. She has always hosted the "Christmas Eve" party with hubby's side of the family.I always felt so shabby--not personally, but that I was somehow sub-standard for not LOVING Christmas. I finally realized that it's a personal thing--their family "blows it all out" for Christmas--then winds up scrambling for a way to pay for everything the next couple of months. That, to me is sad. She's a lovely person, just has different desires for holidays. I don't even get out the china for Christmas brunch (13 grandkids, would you? Paper plates, all the way!)
Every year we let go of some old tradition, and take on a new one, or try to. We have kids out of town and must be flexible, year to year. My hubby does zero shopping, I know in fact he has bought me nothing, and probably won't. I buy myself a couple of fun things, wrap them up and put them under the tree. I usually forget what I wrapped, so it's funny.
We keep the Christmas party alive for Mother. As I've said, she NEEDS nothing, but she'll get a ton of junk. Nobody else exchanges gifts (thank heavens!). This is the last party of this type and I, for one, am thrilled.

I just talked to my sister the other day and I told her that I'm just toast. It's just my 86-year old dementia Mom, older brother, then my sister (and her adult daughter) on "my" side of the family. Mom still considers my 3 adult children "kids" and wants them to open something. She's been getting them junk from the dollar store every year. I know it's the thought that counts, but gee whiz. It's been over 10 years that I have hosted Christmas Eve and I do it out of obligation now. No one (meaning my sister and niece who live together at my niece's house -- my sister's been divorced for 35 years and my niece has no spouse) wants to lift a finger to do anything. My brother lives with my Mom and is basically her chauffeur.

I don't know how many Christmases my Mom and elderly in-laws have left but it's all just getting too much. I, too, worked in retail for 10 years and I have to say people are just getting more and more rude and demanding. Between the traffic nightmares and pushing and shoving of people to buy more "things", short-tempered jerks cutting you off in traffic, fighting for parking spots at the shopping plazas/malls, etc., January 1st can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned. The true meaning of Christmas is gone.

I think at this point my sister and I agree that after Mom passes, the gift giving/exchanging "extravaganza" is OVER. It's getting ridiculous. My parents were born in the depression and were raised to NEVER throw anything away or donate it because "you may need it someday." Hence, they passed that trait down and now my sister's/niece's house is jammed packed full of clutter. They also have 3 cats roaming around their small home, too. There's not an inch of counter space as it's all full of clutter. I, too, am ashamed to admit have some clutter issues, too. But I've recognized it and am determined to do something about it. I've begged her this year to PLEASE not get me anything. I don't NEED anything. If she insists, give me something consumable (like a small coffee shop gift card). I don't want or need ANY chotchkeys, nicknacks, dust collectors or any more "stuff". I am on a mission to pare down and donate, donate, donate. It's cathartic, really.

All I have to add is after 11 yrs of having all my selfish siblings over my house, where Mom lives, I stopped it all 3 yrs ago..

Well not one of those moochers have invited Mom to their house in the last 3 yrs..

Also they can't find the time now to visit..

Glad I stopped it..

Gershun - I blame Pinterest.
Real life is not like the set of a professionally styled photo shoot.
I just hope that when people come over, the toilets are flushed and the house doesn't smell funny. (I have teenagers.)

The fantasy for your sister is hers. She probably has no idea that it makes others feel bad. It's to make her feel good. "See, I'm holding up just fine!"