How do I tell my Dad that it's getting too much to care for him at home now?

I know it is becoming impossible to care for him at home. A skilled facility will be able to provide him with the best care, so I agree with you that it would be best. I hope that you are able to convince him without too many hard feelings. I know his life cannot be happy right now. PSP is one of the worst diseases I have encountered. I hope it can make it more comfortable for him. If you make it homey and visit often, it could make the transition easier for him.

I am so sorry that your father and you are going through this. Huge hugs of support coming your way.

I learn something neww everyday. I saw PSP and thought typo for PCP
Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP), corticobasal degeneration (CBD), and multiple system atrophy (MSA), are little-known but disabling brain diseases, sometimes called atypical Parkinsonian disorders. These rare neurodegenerative diseases are often misdiagnosed as Parkinson's disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), or Alzheimer’s disease. PSP, CBD and MSA lead to progressive decline, and although symptomatic treatment exists, there is no known cause or cure

I hope you have seen a elder affairs attorney and have all YOUR and His papers in place, Your not alone

I would reach out to an elder care lawyer and try to get his paperwork in order. Investigate NH which have a proven track record for successfully caring for people in his current and future physical states. I suspect most nursing homes have little experience with his disease and if you think you are unable to render
superior care going forward most nursing homes would probably fall way short on care too. Once you have a good place in sight, the paperwork in order to protect his assets as best your legally can, then I would try to explain/ sell the idea to your father. Expect resistance upfront as no one loves the idea of living in a nursing home, but in some cases a properly run NH is want is needed. I think he will eventually come around, however this type of talk has to be compassionate and he should not feel "shoved into a NH" but reassured he will get better care and will be well visited by family and friends.

My husband has PSP - it is a very exhausting disease. He is nice to everyone but me. He fell in December and broke 6 ribs - I passed out in his hospital room from exhaustion in front of his children. Have gotten almost no help from them. He recently changed his POA to his son because he was scared I would put him in a nursing home. There has been no thought from any of them to come to me and say , I can see you are very tired - this is very hard, what can I do to help? His son has control / power now but has not volunteered to stay even one night so I can get some rest.
I am sorry you are going thru this - I understand your concerns.

Please remember that 30% of caregivers die before their charges, like my Aunt who took years to be persuaded to place my uncle with dementia in memory care. She died of a massive heart attack shortly after he was placed. He lived happily for another 3 years. We think we are in indispensable and indestructible. In fact, we are disposable and replaceable ; unless we take care of ourselves, no one is going to volunteer to do so.

Say it to your father just like you said here----"It has become too much to take care of you at home & I just can't do it anymore. You are getting hurt, your mobility is very poor, & I don't want you to continue to get hurt on a daily basis. You need more help than I can give you at home."

Nobody wants to go into a facility---it is normal to want to stay in their home & fight to do so. When it becomes more of a risk for their safety than it is safe for them, it is time to make a decision.

I echo the prior comments and understand your situation. I also wanted to comment that you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. I was at an aging conference this past week and the speaker challenged all of us on CG health. He asked, "when is the last time YOU saw YOUR doctor?" As the last response indicated, CG health is critical and yet overlooked. Ask friend, relatives, children, church or other volunteers to help.
In addition to nursing homes, you can get some respite from in-home agencies. They offer services from 1-hour to 24-hours, or anything in between. If your husband is a veteran, be sure to ask the VA about the Aid and Attendance benefit that can potentially help pay for these services.
Bottom line, find support for yourself and you may discover support for your husband. Ask your doctor or care manager about any support groups in the area. They can offer thoughts and suggestions on other avenues to consider. As the last response mentioned, his safety is one way to bring the topic up. And your health, safety and rest are ways to take ownership for the need. Indicate to him that you need the help, whether with in-home help or in a community.

I have placed my mom in a assisted living home, she too tells me ever day I want to go home. She fell and broke her hip. She went to rehab but didn't try to do anything. I did hire a attorney to get her affairs in order, but it cost a lot of money. I too am the only one to look after her. Sometimes I want to bring her home it is the self guilt trip I have. I have applied for VA befits but it takes about a year to get them and a lot of paper work. I am tired and try to go to the ac at least every other day. So I am just trying to keep my head above water. So good luck to you..

The fact that you ask this question hints at weakness in your attitude. Lack of resolve? Guilt? Waiting for your father's permission? Fear of the unknown? All perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Your question also indicates you know the answer which is that you can't manage taking care of him at home any more. So, the only thing missing is action and I suspect the sooner you take it, the better it will be for everyone.

Blessings to you all during this difficult process.

My sympathy to you for this tough situation. No one wants to go to a nursing home and your father is no different. Everyone who places a loved one in a nursing home inevitably feels some guilt. Recognize that sometimes there is literally nothing else you can do. Your father sounds as if he is at terrible risk, so in a sense you must take steps as his caregiver to make sure he is protected from injury. You may find that your father may well come to accept that he needs more care than you can realistically provide. This doesn't mean he will like being in a nursing home -- although some patients do adjust -- but he may understand that you are doing what is best for him. Elderly people often become "egocentric" -- not selfish, but understandably they focus on themselves and their own problems and their need to be at home in their final years, and may not think as much as they should about their caregivers and their particular problems. It is not selfish if you have to take care of yourself and your own needs because dad just doesn't understand.

So how do you tell him? Gently and with love, making clear that you're not trying to "get rid of him" but that you're worried about him and the pain he will feel if he continues to injure himself. Explain how your own health is threatened. Hold his hand and just explain things as best you can. You can also make the point that you could be considered a neglectful caregiver if you didn't take action to keep him from being injured at home. I don't know what your father's mental state is, but often simple logic will help them see reason. One suggestion is to not tell him that the situation will be permanent -- even if it will be -- so he can have some hope of coming home if he "gets better."

Good luck.

Look for help to come into the home. I found help from the local Christian newspaper. Pray pray pray for your help needed and for his healing. Jesus didn't die on the cross for his children to live anything but an abundant life. If there is no money for private pay, call your local social worker who deals with the eldery. Funds are available for pay.

Why are you living in Dad's house? Be careful here. You would not believe how many complaints I have heard from seniors in nursing homes who reported to me, "First, my kids moved in on me, and then a few months later threw me out of my own house." Maybe you shoud also move when you have Dad committed.

Why are you living in Dad's house? Be careful here. You would not believe how many complaints I have heard from seniors in nursing homes who reported to me, "First, my kids moved in on me, and then a few months later threw me out of my own house." Maybe you shoud also move when you have Dad committed.

Try reverse psychology on Dad.... tell him you need HIS help and what would he recommend. That way if he recommends hiring people to come in to help, tell him that would be a great idea.... or if he says maybe it is time for him to move into a home, another wonderful idea.

I have read on these forums that it is best not to say *nursing home* because our elders have a different concept about a nursing home compared to what we know.... many of these home are bright and cheery with a lot of friendly faces and helpful personnel.... some elders think those homes are dark, dank, and no one smiling because of what they heard on the news 40 years ago.

I would like to suggest that you speak to his doctor privately and ask for his support in this decision. Then set up an appointment for your father and go with him into the exam room. On the doctor's 'strong recommendation' (which will have been pre-determined from your earlier visit), you will have good reason to place him where he can get the very best of care. And YOU won't be the 'bad guy' - you're doing as the doctor recommended. I wish you the very best!!

Who is suffering your dad or you two? Why would he have to move out, get in home help for him. Think about it, would you want to move out if you were confused and old? Poor guy, tell him he either had at home help or he has to move and he will accept it. No one wants to move to a nursing home, it means the "end." You give much more care at home than in a nursing home. More falls are in nursing homes, and more drugs are given, take care of him with help and some day someone will do the same for you.How hard is it to be with him when he walks, he wont walk for long. My Mom stopped a few years ago and is still with us, 7 years now. Good Luck, tough to get old.

Thanks to all who responded. I have a very close relationship with my dad, we have always been very good mates. I was asked why I live in dad's house, well dad has lived with me and my family for the last 13 years. First with his diabetes, then then Parkinson's and now with PSP. We have been in his home for the last 2 years as we were renting previously. I took care of dad.
Also all dad's paperwork is in order, I am enduring power of attorney, so that's all organised. I speak to my brother and sister and they both have no second thoughts about putting dad in a home. They have never really had much to do with dad since mum died 20 years ago. So it's just me and my family. I know I will do what's needed, it's just very hard. I'm all he's got and I don't want to make him sad. Thanks again to all. God bless

I agree with freflyer about nursing homes. The one my mom is in is old but the staff are exceptional. They are so kind and nice and my mom feels pampered on a daily basis.I have more of a problem with her being there than she does I think simply cause I had to relinquish a lot of control by putting her there. Almost like when you send your child to kindergarten.But I know it is what is best for her.

I hope you can find that for your dad.

tell him in a singing telegram.
na na na NA
hey old man , yer really gittin absurd ,
that aint a cigar , yer smokin a turd .
weve kept you home, for better or worse ,
i sell insurance , im not a nurse .
a better life , for you awaits ,
right across town , at clapboard estates ...

This is probably the worst time, having to face a parent and tell them you can no longer care for them at home. I feel for you, I really do.

Lately I have found out a lot about nursing homes and what can happen in them. I placed my Mom into one and within 2 weeks, she was dead of "blunt force trauma to the head" it caused 4 brain bleeds and they did not take her to the hospital for 16+ hours.

Although they promise to care for your parent as though they were their own parent....they don't. The patient to nurse ratio is too high and your parent usually winds up getting less care than at home. It is true that it will take pressure off of you but the care they receive will not be better. I found out the hard way and no I live with guilt.

God Bless You All!

I must respond to Stressed52 [I don't know what to make of the post before that; sometimes black humor is really not appropriate].

Anyway, I'm sure stressed had such a bad experience with a nursing home -- I've had to put two elderly relatives into homes and had one bad experience -- but not all nursing homes are terrible, and every senior is different from another and needs different kinds of care. It's simply not true that the elderly all receive better care at home, especially if they have serious issues that require constant attention and nursing skills.

Sure, we'd all like to keep our loved ones at home, but it depends on what they need and what's available. Insurance doesn't always cover home health aides or visiting nurses, and they can't be there all day in any case.

Feel no guilt. Do what is necessary. If you can keep someone at home, go ahead, but if you can't, recognize that you need to take care of your father and yourself in the best way possible.

We live near a small town, the high care that dad needs is in a part of the hospital. We have met all the doctors and nurses that would be dealing with dad on a daily basis. He knows them too. They are very kind and have been very good to dad thus far. It's a small hospital with only 14 high care beds. I'm not fearful of dad's well being when he does go in. He's on the waiting list and I guess I will face that day when it gets here. His mum was in a home for 10years before she passed. She had bad dementia. It was very hard for dad to see her. I guess everything contributes to how you feel about things

Carebill, I agree with you, not every elder will get the best of care at home.

Not everyone is cut out to be a Caregiver, no different than not everyone is cut to be a brain surgeon, or a State Trooper, or a Construction worker. We all have different sets of skills, but not all those skills relate to caring of an older person. It would be like starting a brand new career without an ounce of training with no one to watch over you to make sure you are doing everything correctly. How many of us who are in our late 50's, 60's and 70's have the energy to learn a new career?

Freqflyer I find myself agreeing with you a fair bit on here. Once again I second what you have to say. Although I live in Canada and our healthcare is different than the states we still have to jump through just as many hoops to get whats best for our aging loved ones.

We tried home healthcare for my mom and they would come four times a day every day. The thing is they didn't stay the full hour when they came and you can't force help on someone who doesn't want it. My mom would of starved to death if we kept going that route and she figured out pretty quickly that it would be best for all involved if she allowed us to find alternative care for her.

The nursing home experience has been so-far mostly positive (at least if I go by what my mom has told me). I've never detected any signs of abuse or mistreatment by the staff there and I'm pretty paranoid when it comes to my mom so I'm sure everything is fine. Yes, I have guilt about it all the time but I would not of been able to provide proper care for my mom at home especially since I get little or no help from my siblings.

I hope and pray for you and your father that if you decide to go the nursing home route that it will be nothing but a positive experience for you.

Gershun, I believe on one post we mentioned the "what ifs" and it can consume our lives. I know it is driving me batty. How I wished my parents would have gone into a retirement community years ago so they could learn their way around, meet the staff, know the staff, make new friends, etc..... all the what ifs are whirling around, like what will Mom do is Dad passes first... I know I wouldn't be able to give the best care to Mom at home, it would be extremely difficult and exhausting for me. Mom would outlive me.

Yes freqflyer the what ifs can consume you. Especially when the here and now is hard enough as it is.

My Dad passed away when my mom was still in her early forties so she has always been an independent soul. She had no choice. She grew up on a farm and has always had that tough "life must go on" spirit. I on the other hand have always been a worry wart and for whatever reason felt that I needed to become my mom's protector and guardian angel so to speak. I've been watching out for her since the age of four.

Now she is 91 and having my position usurped so to speak is tough. I could always silence the what ifs with a course of action, whatever that might entail. Now I try to not watchdog the careworkers at the nursing home to death, take deep breaths and pray and hope a lot.

By the way freqflyer you sound like a pretty resilient person. You will do what you have to and it will go great. In the meantime enjoy your mom and dad.

Gershun, on paper I might sound like I know what I am doing but behind the scenes I am a bundle of nerves :P

I hope the best for you and your Dad I know exactly how you feel I never want to put my Dad in a nursing home either but it's very hard when your trying to do it all by yourself I have brothers and sisters who never help so on my city I took a tour of residence homes they live upstairs and their residence of maybe 10 all have there own bedrooms on the lower level livingroom bathroom kitchen they have techs to help 24 hours a, day a house doctor when needed home cooked meals I'm very happy with the home I found for my Dad he has dementia and parkinsons cannot walk anymore incontinent they all love him there and I know he's in a home like setting I just never told him this is his new home yet I 'll have to explain someday when the time is right I see him almost everyday

I agree with Tooyoungforthis. Stay on message. You'll sound like a broken record but it's the best for both of you. My MIL has MSA and now that she is in an independent living residential building getting daily therapy she is better able to lessen the symptoms. Her husband is also much happier because he has help caring for her and gets regular respites. They both fought us even though they knew deep down that life couldn't go on as usual. Elders hate change. Stay strong and stay on point. Good luck!