Do I tell my dad I am liquidating his "stuff" and selling his home?

Sorry, that sentence at the end of the first paragraph was meant to say: It is more important that you are there to go through them with your father then that he has stuff that he will at some point forget he ever owned.

God Bless you for being there for your Dad. Until you have had a parent with dementia you can't understand what it is like to have to take over the decision making for the person who you always depended on to help you make good decisions. No one takes any joy or gains any power from this transition but if you don't do it the state may step in and do it for you. People like Tommy1 simply have no idea what it is like to watch the parent you love slowly slip into their own world. There will be harder decisions ahead. It is more important that you are there to go through them with your father then that he will at some point forget he ever owned.

Once again God bless you and strengthen you in this journey.

Update. After much thought and prayer, I decided to put all dads stuff (excluding dirty paper towels and expired toiletries, etc) into a storage unit. When that is done, I will clean the house and prepare it to sell. Once the house is cleaned and repaired, etc. I would like to take dad to the house and let him see it all cleaned and pretty. THEN I can say "but don't worry dad, all your stuff is still here." And take him to look at the storage unit if he wants.

1Tommy, relax. it is dads stuff, dads house and dads money. Fortunately my family has been blessed and there are no money disputes or controversy. I take dads financial statements to him every month and go over them with him. When he asks, I take him to visit his banker.

Looks like this discussion actually started quite a while ago, so I wondered what you decided, EsOtorok? My mom has been making a scrapbook of her furniture and treasured belongings and telling us the family history behind some of the pieces. Some of it is just things she got at auctions or garage sales, but found interesting. Nothing financially valuable, but lots of sentiment. Even though we siblings won't be able or want to keep a good portion of the stuff, it makes her happy to do this and will be nice to have in the future. My opinion would be to go ahead and sell the house. That's a huge job and if you are willing to do all the work involved, good for you! I would want someone to do that for me if I were in your dad's place.

AND so it's HIS STUFF does he AGREE? AND MOST OF ALL are u letting him
have the money from it for his stuff as IT IS HIS. ???????? are U?????????!!!

Just realize that the house and the things in the house are 2 different things. Err on the side of saving things that may have meaning in case it comes up later. I have been through this and the reality is that as the dementia progresses, your dad won't remember that you sold the house or that you discussed it with him but he may want some thing that had meaning 25 years ago. My mom thinks she is going home at the end of each day. Sometimes she means the home my parents owned while I was growing up and sometimes she means the house she grew up in. Sometimes she searches for my dad (dead 2 years) and sometimes she explains that she is a single young woman and has to get home to her mother or she'll worry (grandma is also dead). The point is that this disease has many stages and you need to be able to deal with the future stages. Things from that time can act as an anchor.

Clare

I think at first you should talk to him and see what his wishes are. If it seems like he can not handle it then take it from there. The expenses and time for upkeep are more of a burden and I can see why it should be sold. If dad cant handle this then just go on and take care of it on your own, but if he is all for it then you can work together to take care of it.

Everyone...this site is for everyone seeking advice about caregiving and answering the questions someone is struggling with. Caregivers are on a tough road and have no need for negative comments/judgements. We are doing the very best we can with what we know and learn from others. Ignoring those negative posts is best; don't give credence to them by answering, but you can report the post and they will be read by the editors of the site. God bless all caregivers who read this; know you are loved and prayed for. Keep the faith and take it one day at a time. xxxooo

Francis - If you think we're all just selfish jerks, why do you bother to talk to us?

Terry,
My dads AL apartment is also getting cluttered. The AL people empty his trash cans daily. But I will stop by when he is eating dinner and throw away the used paper towels he leaves sitting around, Popsicle sticks, and remove the bean dip from his small upright freezer (we got this so he could keep a stash of the ice cream bars he loves so much.), etc.. Now I am starting to worry about the increased danger of tripping and falling with all the magazines and boxes he has in the apt. :/

francis- what a jerk post.

the stuff was overwhelming at my moms. We had to put her in AL and I am a get it over with person, so my brother, friend and I went 3 weeks later and had a estate sale. the day before I filled 30 trash bags with empty coolwhip, cans, little italian ice containers! Also she apparently saved every little piece of plastic bag, lots from the paper. also evry grocery, etc-many with mold growing on them-gross. the normal trash day people had to come back 3x's that day with a truck! sold the rest, or gave it away. with the economy going 4 yrs ago, we wanted to get the house sold before it lost more money. she can live on that now. Now her AL room is accumulating stuff, every empty bag, cups from her pills morning and nite. whenevr I go in when she is busy I empty trash. whenever anyone there says would you like this she feels compelled to say YES! It is never ending!

..shes doing it for herself. expectng us to help her off with her conscience that she taking hisstuff& being liquidated..obviously..cap'n. i agree.

if you sell dads LEE ez load shotgun shell reloading kit hes liable to liquidate your ass. there are frivolities and essentials to a guy..

Im new here, but I can tell you just do it. I had a similar situation w/ my dad. We moved him in with us and kept as much of his things as we could fit in his new room. Otherwise we donated it. Some to family some to the salvation army. some times he asks for something ( this morning it was the coffee he had 6mo ago.) we just remind him it went to someone in need. You are already taking on a large amount of work, honestly theres just no room for "baggage" as well. Hope this helps.

This is my first reading of this situation and all excellent ideas, suggestions, and please ignore the negative comments. You do not have to explain anything to anyone - you have been sharing your soul with strangers who for the most part are in similiar situations and can definitely relate to yours. Your concern for your Dad's reaction to selling his home is heartwarming and you've thought about this for quite sometime, I can tell, otherwise you would not have asked for the experience of others. You know best what his dementia level is and what upsets him and what does not - and it will be different on different days, just be ready for anything. Dementia/Alz. is a horrible disease and things can change "on a dime" from one minute to the next. You know he wants to sell his home, that is a given. Everything in it is special to him or was and holds precious memories. If he is able, ask him if there is anything special he wants someone to have i.e. a dresser or mirror or chair, dishes etc. If so, take pictures first and then have a picture of the person getting the item/s. After you're all done and this will be a tremendously huge job, make a photo album with the picture and the names of the people who got the treasures. Present it to him and sit with him and go through it. And...alot of what you do depends on where he is in his season of his life right now. I know from experience - only 1 command/request at a time. I think someone else suggested that too. You will be so happy to know that you did everything you could to make this transition for him. Also, if he can have some of his own things like pictures, a favorite chair or sofa, dishes, bedding with him, that gives him a feeling of home too. Being 400 miles from your childhood home is such a challenge and the sooner you get this done, the better for all. You have to take care of yourself first, because your family needs you too, and if you get stressed and ill, well, you know what happens then. God bless you and keep us posted. My Mom put names on pieces of furniture before she got sick; Afer my Dad passed away, we asked my deceased brother's children to choose something and then the rest was divided. Not all went smoothly, but I won't elaborate on that here. Just know that you are not alone in this journey...Hugs

It would be more hurtful if he were to find out about it later. You may suggest the selling of item that no longer hold sentiment or value for him. Take your time.

Es0torok, You don't have to explain yourself to the resident 'guilt specialist'. That is all I will say.....

Terrim, my dad WANTS to sell his home. We have talked about this many times over the last 7 years (since my mom died). He has dementia and can not oversee the sale himself. All money will go into his account.

My question is if it would be easier for HIM if I did not tell him about the sale, or how I can include him without causing HIM additional stress.

This is not about greed. It is only about caring for my dad and taking care of HIS business for HIM. If we do not sale his home, my dad will lose more than $15,000 a year in maintenance, taxes and insurance. It is not in his best interest to keep the house.

It is his house and you can't just sell someone's home and belongings because you want to. He needs to be a part of this and the money needs to all be put in his name in the bank. Keep in mind if he needs Medicaid in the future, this can cause you a serious problem . Let him choose what he wants to keep.

I went through a similar situation with my mom. I didn't tell her about selling the house because she thought all the money would be hers to do with as she pleased rather than going to the AL facility. I did manage to keep a lot of her "stuff" that I put in my house, basement, attic and garage! My sister and I threw so much away, but if mom asks, I have it and tell her not to worry. I feel bad not telling the truth, but I also know what she can and can't handle and what she obsesses over.

I am just nearing the end of the process of going through my Mom's home, after her passing and it's much bigger and more consuming than I had ever imagined. If you keep things in your family and they are used and loved, if they see another life and are treated respectfully, you will be able to feel in your heart that you have done the right thing.

My goal was to treat Mom's things respectfully. I invited siblings and nieces and nephews to come and ask for what ever they wanted. Going through the house, it was easy to give a few things, but honestly it turned out that none of us had the space to take much, we already had our homes set up and so here is what I ran into.

Big things did not fit into anyone's home. First I donated A LOT, because being in NJ, I felt that victims of Sandy Hurricane could use the things. For some good big things I either had them picked up by an auction house (however, I learned that beloved things ... paintings, furniture, Persian rugs... only went for $5-10 and highest were $200). Other good things I brought to Goodwill and other donations, Firehouse, Habitat for Humanity, etc.

No matter what, there was SO much to go through. My parents were not pack-rats, but going through closets was HUGE and loaded with family history and love! I went through them, and through them, and through them again. There were photos and books and lace and embroidery. Dry cleaned stacks of linen napkins and so much more. Everything was well cared for and even so, there turned out to also be a lot of junk that no one could ever use again.

We also got two dumpsters and my brother worked extremely hard, breaking down anything we could not give away or take away and filled the dumpsters to the TOPS!

I am just saying, I thought it would be a lot of work, but it was MUCH more than I imagined. I encouraged family to take anything that would be a family keepsake. Selling things did not result in any kind of windfall, particularly if you think the auction house takes a percentage (30% for every item under $500), then with 3 siblings the net result is split 3 ways. We did not have a garage sale, but even that... each item selling for a few dollars, split three ways nets little. Long way of saying... it is much BETTER to donate things to people in need.

Take time to take good care of yourself. Estimate that the job is much bigger than you can imagine. Ask your siblings and family to help as much as possible. In the end, it's the people who matter ... not the things. You will find you want to keep a few memories, but if any other family members can keep memories, encourage them to do so, too.

I know this doesn't answer your question about telling your Dad, but it may help you to know that it's a BIGGER, more complicated, very emotional task than I expected. I feel for you and hope this helps to encourage you to ASK other family members for help, sooner rather than later. All my best wishes to you...

I am going through exactly the same thing. Parents home is miles away. Both have dementia. I also moved them close to me. Took a lot of guts from my sisters and I to decide to sell their property and contents. We will not tell our parents unless there is some reason.

One point I failed to make very well. If you do sell things he will naturally think it brought in a lot of money. At least my mother in law thought that. If you have POA and are handling his affairs anyway, I would never tell him the truth about what his belongings brought. In this case I feel it is perfectly ok to expand the truth (lie!). It is so sad that at the end of life it boils down to so little. One's possessions are precious usually to them and there is no reason not to let him think his stuff was very valuable. Just my opinion.

My MIL has agreed to divide her stuff and sell the home. My Mother is another story and her house needs cleaned out. My husband would never agree to me doing that behind my Mother's back. It is her stuff and she is not a child. If she has to pay for the upkeep, it is her money. (I understand the difficulties, the OP is describing.)

What if you tell him that it's time to begin getting things figured out and that you are planning to have an estate sale. Ask him, assuming he/you/other family members want or have room for, what things he would like to keep or give away. If there is no rush in selling his home, it IS the one protected asset that doesn't have to be divested if and when he needs medicaid if he ever wanted to return to the home. Just a thought. If he's cognizant, perhaps doing it all at once will be too emotionally hard on him. I am not suggesting that he go back into his home, but I am saying I guess that it i kind of like having a car in the driveway even if you don't plan to go any place. It's there.
My BIL strong armed my physically in bad shape MIL but mentally fine into selling everything. He told her that her car smelled 'like piss' and nobody in the family would want it. She didn't have anything of her own after 48 years in her home with her husband, who passed away a couple of years before and he really gave no body in the family a chance to think about what they might want. He wanted really nothing but the money and he lived in the same town so he got it done his way. I think he expected her to die really soon (she was 88) and now she is almost 93 and still hanging in there. She thought all her stuff was valuable but he killed that notion too by showing her the bill of sale for around $10,000 including the car (not the house). His cruelty has caused such a chasm between my husband and his brother it will never be repaired. It is heartbreaking to see this woman living in what I think is a crappy place, which she has allowed him to do to her, ok, but we heard for years how much she missed this or that.
If you can afford to hang on to the house a while longer, if it matters to him and he can keep some of his stuff or see others in the family get it, it might help. Of course, if he is mentally unaware and you have a burden that is too great you have to do what you have to do. And in that case, he won't remember it anyway.

I am going through the same with my mom. We have to sell her condo, but she paid $215k and freaked out when I told her it would sell for $300k bc she insists she paid $480k or something (no way possible she would have been able to!). Anyway, now I just agree and say she's getting $500k - just to reassure her she's not losing money. She is totally confused, so I balance things by giving her some choices, providing her with photos of things we have in storage (some are stored, others ....) and asking her opinion enough so she can feel like she's has some control. Too much detail freaks her out, so I keep it simple, even if I have to fib a bit, but I keep careful records for the family and let her feel like she's in charge of things as much as realistic. It's about getting it done while maintaining her dignity and feeling of control.

In February, I took my dad to his home. He is an artist. He wanted all his paintings and art supplies. We packed it all up and now it is all in his 1 bedroom ALF apartment. I am not sure we can fit much more in there. Fortunately he hasn't asked about much. One thing he is asking for is his very large refrigerator. :/

I would tell him, and do all that I could to let him be involved. When my mother was still in hospital recovering, my sister and her son came in and made her house wheel-chair accessible. My mother was/is a pack rat and very sentimental and way too obsessive with some of her collections. Now, nothing was sold, just moved into a storage building out back. To this day, she resents it. If possible, could you even bring some of that there, for him to see? I wouldn't, for any reason, throw out his things which have been passed down, while he is alive, out of respect for what they mean to him, in his heart. Good luck.

Francis, I am blessed to have the opportunity to care for my dad. That includes
taking care of his stuff for him because he is not able to.