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My mom is seeming to be in denial of the fact that she can no longer remember all the important details of her life. Do I just go with it? Do I try to convince her and bring her in to the present moment? It's kind of tiring having conversations again and again, as many of us know. And then there are times she seems to be somewhat aware of what's going on and that things are slipping through her fingers and yet she wants to know about everything but has a hard time accepting it all when I tell her. Confusing.

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Hi LauraAnne, Has your Mom received a diagnosis or are you observing the changes? How old is she? It took me a while, but I now feel it is better to go along with things. Your Mom's reality is what she is expressing to you . . even if it is her life from when she was in her 20s! I visit my Mom 5 days a week. She is in an ALF. She points out her brother (long deceased), tells me I just missed her long time friend (equally long deceased), etc. BUT this is where her mind is, and guess what! They are all (fortunately) good memories for her!!

Your descriptions sounds like early stages to me (though I am far from trained in this area). Use this time to make sure all the proper paperwork is completed. POA, medical authority, someone's name on accounts, etc. My Mom was demonstrating "cognitive impairment" at the beginning of 2011. By June, she would have been considered unable to sign papers. I just made it through with paperwork at the bank that has made things 1,000 times easier.

Make sure there isn't a medical reason (UTI or thyroid issue) or drug interaction before you just accept the behavior.
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Hi. Thanks for your response! My mom has not been diagnosed because there is a back up of patients at the doctors. We just moved her to Oregon, where I live, and 2 geriatric doctors recently retired so there is a wait - she cannot get in until May 23rd!!!! So I am just hanging on. She is 80. She is most certainly showing dementia signs, what they are related to is uncertain as of right now. She has had all her blood tests done. Not a urine test yet. She couldn't pee on demand. So.....and yes. Trying to get papers in order....thanks again for your support!
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Geewiz has given you some good advice. Reasoning and explaining does not work with someone whose is losing her ability to reason and understand.

If your mother has dementia she will have it the rest of her life, and it will progress. Waiting a few weeks for a formal diagnosis, aggravating as it is, won't change anything. In addition to the paperwork geewiz suggested, you might use some of this time to read up on dementia. Odd behavior is really much easier to deal with when you can put it in context and understand how it fits the disease.

Best wishes to you on this bumpy caregiving road!
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Hi, I am in a similar situation as LauraAnne. My mother has not been diagnosed (yet) but is showing all the signs--not paying bills on time, making poor decisions, being very argumentative with me (only child), going behind my back to undo things I've done to help her, lying to her credit-card issuer that her card was lost (or not remembering she had cut it up) to get a new card after she agreed to close an account and cut up a card in my presence...and on and on. She's still driving, though I've been told she's likely to be dropped by her insurer as she's had numerous fender-benders (which she has hidden from me)--she didn't notice that she'd backed into her friends' car in the last incident until, upon returning home, she received a phone call from them informing her of the situation. I am awaiting results from memory testing she was to have had done early this week. She threw a temper tantrum Sunday (Happy Mothers' Day!) and I left the house because she called me a liar and accused me of 'just trying to get control of her money' and 'taking advantage of the POA'. I am glad to find this forum.
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OnlyDau64, in addition to the advice given LauraAnne, keep these two thoughts tucked away to take out as needed: 1) Do not take this personally. It is the disease, not your loving mom acting out. 2) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It isn't mom's fault, either, of course, so there isn't any place here for accusations or guilt.

Whatever it takes, STOP HER FROM DRIVING. Backing into a friend's car was bad enough. What if she'd backed into a neighbor's child? Contact DMV to get her license revoked. Remove the car from the premises, take the keys away -- yes, she'll be furious and her anger is likely to last a long time. But it has to be done. No more driving. This means other means of transportation must be arranged. Her not driving is certainly not something you'd do for your own convenience but you must do it for public safety.
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Go to dept of motor vehicles and ask for a form because of circumstance and take to doctor to say it is no longer safe for ........ to be driving. This is what I did for my dementia husband. Yes he didn't like it and a couple times I left the keys in ignition, like getting gas, that is a BIG NO NO. He got behind the wheel and I refused to get in the car. Luckly via phone our son talked him out. Read all you can to help you both. I think of his brain as a loose light bulb, sometimes on & then off. My husband now sleeps 16 to 19 hrs a day. He showers and asks if he can lay down because he's tired he says. So give extra time to them if you are taking them someplace. He eats slower and walks slower also. He can still play cards but when he begins to ask what to do in cards its time to quit. His dementia has been very slow changing. He asks same questions and I just answer like its first time he asked. If I would sometimes make a corrective remark I'm learning DON'T RESPOND and soon forgotten and no argument which means no frustration on him.
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So - my opinions, my experience, for what it's worth, here goes...

We went through a lot million-question-marathons of argument/denial at the beginning until I learned how to answer once then postpone the discussion. I chose not to lie (I'm bad at it, don't want to, & he's a human lie detector). I did learn to answer once, then answer with "maybe" to a lot of stuff rather than arguing. The hardest thing for me was not to try to "fix" the dementia by correcting the mistake. I realized this is what I was doing -- I somehow thought if I could just CONVINCE HIM of the truth he would be OK...not rational on my part, but there you are.
The "follow their reality" thing IS hard, and dementia isn't across the board - sometimes they know "our" reality, sometimes not, sometimes they have the sneaking suspicion that something is wrong from reading social cues from others ( like kids ---"Mom's mad...does she know about the vase?"). Especially aggravating is that once a "wrong" idea is in place it is IMPOSSIBLE to dislodge (no matter how unlikely/impossible/etc), while the "right" ideas seem to slip away like they are teflon....for us logic-based personalities it is crazy-making!

So...explain things patiently, and sympathetically. Be consistant, it IS a test. Early dementia patients KNOW something is wrong, and often their memory can be better than they let on. In our best discussion I spent a lot of time explaining (simply) that what his brain was doing was normal (even the denial), and that his brain was trying to protect him (which made sense to him). I found it helped both of us if we talked about his brain in the 3rd person, the same way you might talk about kidney disease or your liver, rather than referring to "him", as it helped make it a bit more clinical and not accusatory. He had studied human thought, philosophy, etc, as a hobby in the past, so that helped. We even discussed that the hallucinations might be his subconscious' way of communicating to him. Am I SURE what's going on in his synapsis? No, but it's as good an explanation as any, made sense to him, comforted him and made him less afraid of them.
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my mom is deteriorating rapidly. every pill time its, count, recount, find the med list, drop some of the pills, etc. always someone in the yard on a bicycle, quad or motorcycle. one or both of us are nuts cause i just dont see the people. when ( if )she eventually goes to NH i think ill go to the va stress unit and babble at those poor folks for a week.
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I hear you, Capn Hardass.
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capnhardass - maybe you "just missed them"? that way you are both right?
Maybe see if you can figure out what sound her brain is turning into "someone in the yard". For my Gma it was voices in the hallway, outside the window or from the apt downstairs that would turn into "someone in the house", which would turn into the 70-yr old caregivers "secret Marine fiance" (who was hiding under her bed of course, or maybe in her closet...). Would have been so much funnier if it hadn't been so aggravating.
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My mom too is at has not been diagnosed. Not because I haven't tried. She refuses to go to a dr. They are just after her money. My sister and I both live 5-6 hours away. I believe I have a POA that i signed 7 or so years ago but dont know the attorney and she doesn't let any of us see or do anything with her stuff. She should not be driving but she does not even have a dr. that I can talk to. Last Dr. she went to was more than 5-6 years ago and it is the OBGYN. Im at a total loss of where to start or how I even help her.
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There could something besides dementia, such as a UTI or other infection, but if you can't get her to a doctor, there's no way to tell. I would take it seriously though. The problem is that you can't force her to a doctor.

Do you have a list of things that you personally know about her ability to care for herself? If not, I'd take the day to spend with her to make sure you can inspect what is going on inside her home, such as is there spoiled food in the fridge, unpaid bills, dirty linens and clothes, utilities turned off, insurance canceled. That's a biggie. If she is an unsafe driver and her insurance has lapsed, it could be a tragedy. I would confirm her insurance is paid up. I might talk to neighbors too, to see what they have noticed. My cousin was doing odd things in the neighborhood.

Once you get that information, I would continue to try to get her to the doctor, by saying it's required by social security or whatever, but I would take that info with me to an Elder Law attorney to see what is required in that jurisdiction to file for guardianship. At least you'll know if you have enough evidence, based on what you have seen.

You can also report the situation to Adult Protective services and they will investigate.

If you don't think she should be driving, I would contact DMV in her state and see if there is a provision to report an elderly, unsafe driver. Some allow that be done in confidence. They will require her to come in for a test. Maybe that can resolve it.

I'm not sure what else you can do. Perhaps, you'll get more info here. My loved one resisted care at first, but she would see a doctor and the doctor and I convinced her to enter Assisted Living.
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LauraAnne, I am going through the exact thing with my MIL. She was just diagnosed with Vascular Dementia Last month, after 8 months of doctor visits and testing. She has no idea she has dementia or even memory problems, even though we have told her every other day for 9 months now. Every day she asks me why I'm calling to check up on her, why is the Home Healthcare Aide there again, why am I paying her bills. I am forced to tell her she has dementia and go through everything again. I totally understand what you are going through! When she starts to talk nonsense I just try to stay vague with her or change the subject. Like when she says "I'll be so glad when I can drive again" (she can't drive anymore) I just say "I'm sure" or "I know". The hardest part for me to accept was that she's not really in denial, she just can't remember and she's lost the ability to understand a reasonable explanation so her brain reverts to the easiest answer... You're crazy, overprotective, or you're making it up. Sorry you are going through this. If you need to vent here feel free. God knows I do. :)
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My mom who will be 91 in July had an MRI of her brain, that showed her brain is not functioning at 100% due to Alzheimer's disease starting. Her neurologist explained to her and myself that she has severe short term memory loss. My husband and saw all the signs for awhile and begged her to come and live with us where she would have her own room, bathroom Etc. She wants no part of it and advised if we try and remove her from her comfortable home that she loves she will do something to herself. When I ask her what she means she said you know, I will kill myself and in the next breath denies that she said or meant that because I should know she would never do that. The doctor advised her for the second time that she should not live on her own any longer and go to live with her daughter, her answer was oh no my daughter and her husband have a life they don't need a third wheel. Going to an assisted living is not an option for her nor having a caregiver come in a few days a week. She becomes very angry, agitated if I tell her she is coming to live with us. Her neurologist is telling me to just do it, (remove her from her house and take her to mine. My mom believes she is cooking by the stove and she eats 3 meals a day and goodies in between, when I know for a fact she is not eating properly the scale doesn't lie she is loosing wait.
I need guidance and help I don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt her or send her into a depressed state by having her move in with us. Thank you for any help you can offer. Sad daughter
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I can't add anything different than my friends above. Mom just passed, but I can tell you that about 10 years ago we saw she was quickly losing her judgment, especially after her husband died. She already had a will, but we made sure she made out a POA and a Health Care Proxy. We transitioned her to AL and took away the car after seeing she drove like a maniac and got lost just turning out of her driveway.
We slowly took over her finances, first giving her a personal checking account with only a little money in it, and getting her to sign signature cards putting my sister and me on her checking and savings accounts. I changed the addresses on all her bills and had them sent to me and I paid everything for her. It was a slow transition but it was a good thing because she began to lose her reasoning ability very quickly. She seemed happy having her little checking account and would go over it hour after hour, of course never able to balance it and sometimes writing 2-3 checks to the hairdresser (who would return them to us). You cannot argue with a dementia patient, nor can you convince them they are forgetting or doing anything wrong. Just go along with her and change the subject, distract her, because hours of argument will ensue, only to be repeated the same thing the next day.
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Butterfly4, the doctors are right. A person with short term memory loss and dementia cannot safely live alone. Actually, her "safety" cannot be guaranteed anywhere, and she won't be 100% "safe" in your home, either, but it is a matter of degree. Her safety level goes up exponentially if she can be somewhere she will be monitored.

My mother agreed to move into the home of my sister who was just retiring, but then she balked at the last minute. Another sister took Mom aside. "You know, Mom, Sis and BIL are having a harder time paying their mortgage now that they both are retired. They have been thinking about renting out their lower level. You would be doing them a huge favor if you could move in." And she went on to list the benefits, not the least of which is my sister's excellent cooking!

This helped Mom think of the move in a whole new way, and got her through the transition period. She stayed with Sis for 14 months, until her care needs increased. She is now thriving in a nursing home (Age 96, dementia.)

The "they need financial help" message was a total fabrication, by the way. But Mom did pay the same rent she'd been paying for her subsidized apartment. I think all adults should have the dignity of paying their own way. Not necessarily at full market value, but at a reasonable level they can afford.

I guess my point is, if there is some way you make the move more palatable to Mom, do it, even if it means lying through your teeth!
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As far as driving...at support group someone suggested remove the car. Tell them it needed some repair then when doesn't come back tell them they had to order a part. Soon they will give up. NEVER, NEVER leave the keys in the car or where they can find them.
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I struggle each day when I try to explain to my 90 yr old mother that dementia isn't madness. I have tried to give in and not argue about every mistake she makes. But it is hard. She says ism I too much, I will go into a Retirement Village I explain no she isn't too much, but that is not answer enough. She should be told she cannot self care anymore she isn't 100% but that has lead to arguments, but thank heaven leave the room for 15minutes and it is groundhog day. I suppose the answer is say what you feel is right, avoid confrontation and if agreeing helps with the moment do it, it will be forgotten all to soon
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So difficult a question to answer. My mother is at the exact same place. I don't have an answer, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
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It is possible for people with dementia to have anosognosia. It is a inability to recognize that they have a problem with their minds. My husband, who has dementia has anosognosia. I thought it was denial, until the doctor explained it to me. It's not that he doesn't want to face the facts of his illness, it's that he is incapable of realizing he has cognitive and memory problems. The doctor can look him directly in the eye and say, "You have dementia. It is going to get worse.", and my husband has no more reaction that if the doctor had told him that he has a cold and will be well in a day or two. The part of my husband's brain that recognizes that he has an illness is one of the several parts that are no longer functioning. When he asks me what the various medications he is taking are for, I tell him that they are for his memory, and he almost always replies, "They must be working, because I don't have any memory problems." This man could not tell you what year it is or how old he is or his address if his life depended upon it. He can't remember that he ate lunch five minutes ago. But somehow, he also can't remember that he has dementia. Taking care of someone with dementia is like living in the land of Oz.
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