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She keeps saying she wants to go home. I had to move my mother from assisted living to a memory care unit because she was wandering and unable to dress herself. Now every time I call her she immediately says she needs to go home or she wants "to go back." The memory care unit director says she is doing well and participating in activities but I don't know if I can believe it since my mother starts every conversation with me with a request to go home. I am afraid to visit since I think that will just make things worse. when she was in assisted living I used to take her out shopping but the memory care director recommends I not do that until she's been in memory care for at least a month.

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Hi. My mom's in assisted living now and I dread the day that she will have to move to memory care. Every change is huge for them isn't it. I'm afraid I don't have any wisdom but offer you my support. Hugs!!
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Wanting to "go home" is common. My mother-in-law with Parkinson's dementia wants to go home. What she means is actually a time at her home when she was not bed bound, had active social life, and was not demented. The going home lament in her case could never happen anyway. But she still keeps insisting.
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PJmoma, my mother with Alzheimer's has mentioned "going home" at least once daily to me for several years now, both during the time she lived with me and now that she's in a nursing home. She also mentions my name constantly whether I'm actually sitting and talking with her in person or when I'm not there (they always tell me that at the NH), so she really doesn't recognize me. She does both whether she appears to be having a good time or not or no matter how many people she has around her. You really can't win, and it can make you feel sad. Fortunately, mom is easy to console and/or distract most of the time.

I actually just took her out of a large more crowded corporate memory care place and moved her to a much smaller nonprofit skilled nursing long term care and rehab facility 5 minutes away from me, since she is now not walking or wandering and is basically wheelchair confined. Best thing I could have done, I believe. This new place is so much nicer; she gets more one-on-one care, the place is homier, cleaner, brighter and more open, food is better, many staff members have been there for years and consider it family. Only a few of the residents have Alzheimer's as a primary diagnosis, but staff includes my mom in a lot of their gatherings. But guess what? She still wants "home."
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Have the director take pictures, or videos, for you...it helps.

One way with you, another when you're not there. It's simple manipulation. Acting like it's all "bad". It's unintentional on their part, sort of. No one wants to move out of their home, they're extremely attached to their idea of it. And returning to a child-like nature, feeling vulnerable and alone. It's understandable...

I explained to my parents each time they asked, and I told them the truth, 'it's not possible, and i'm so sorry. Your conditions warrant more help than i can give alone at home'. They understood, even in their dementia...
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The request to "come home" is normal. This is most likely what you will always hear.

I have friends with parents in Memory Homes and they visit daily. They bring nutritional shakes.

Please, do not be afraid to visit - I'm sure she needs to see your face and feel your hugs.
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my mom was just moved to memory care about 10 weeks ago. She is reported doing great and the staff love her. She hasn't mentioned anything about home, car, money, bank, etc and that alone is astonishing since those are the things she lived for and fiercly protected.

Like you, the transistion team asked that we not visit until she settled in. Based on her history (yelling, screaming demanding rights at home) we agreed for the skilled team to determine that timing. They report to me weekly (more often if i wanted) and send me pictures. Mom looks content and happy so I'm leaving well enough alone for now. If she asks for me I will go ; but like you dont want to upset the apple cart and bring back memories of her house, car, etc. which she will accuse me of stealing, etc.

I'm fine with it and actually consider it a "break" from the worry and stress of caring for mom long distance. Now she's in a safe and healthy space and thriving.

It is so hard. I knew it would be but now am grateful she is in memory care and I didn't have to move her to AL and then again where she would be traumatized twice.

Take this time as a mini blessing and let the experts support and care for mom in the interim. It will be good for mom to adjust and good for you to just care for yourself, re-engage with family and friends and concentrate on getting her affairs in order if you haven't done so already with regard to banking, assets, etc.
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If you have met relatives of other residents, inquire how your mother appears to be doing when you are not there. It might ease your pain and guilt. She associates you with home - a pleasant place to be - so asks to go there.

An answer that might help your mother is one I was taught, "I'll take you home as soon as the doctor says it is ok. While we are waiting for his ok, let do this today"
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Not sure if it was mentioned yet but "Home" is a state of mind for them...
Some are IN their childhood homes and still say this. I would give my mom a hug and say 'me too". Then when she went to the memorycare place i told them to reassure her that she WAS home in ohio.... She would say "I am? Oh good! "
After a few months she stopped asking and now actually points to her room and the aids reply "Yes! your room! " and point out her things- she is relieved.
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Pjmoma,
It may be difficult, but, I would try to learn to accept that she might say this over and over. It's hard to do, but, it's something that you learn to put in a certain place in your mind.  You do that because you know she's now safe.  You know she's where she needs to be, but, she is not able to process that mentally. She may continue to say it or she may progress to another stage, where she doesn't say it that much. That's what happened with my LO. It might take time....weeks, months or years.

Also, keep in mind that with many patients who have dementia, they repeatedly ask to go home, EVEN when they are already in their home. So, taking a person with dementia to a certain geographical location, does not always satisfy their requests. People with dementia often are agitated, confused and challenging to be around. It sounds like your mom is doing well at the MC facility. I'd try to visit her, when you are ready and have a plan of what you are going to say in advance. Stick with the plan and limit the time you stay, so you don't get overwhelmed. Eventually, the visits may become enjoyable. That has been my experience.

Oh, I'd learn to accept that you will not likely be able to convince her to stop asking to go home.  Once you accept that no talk will work, it might help the stress level.  Even if you do convince someone, they will likely forget it, so, you'd have to do over and over throughout the day.
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Your mother probably isn't looking for a physical home but a certain time in her life. She is probably looking for the time where she is young and pretty and she didn't have a whole lot of responsibility and consequences to deal with. But somewhere in her broken brain, she knows that she is old, in a home and something is wrong with her brain.
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My Mom lives with me at this time but she'll be moving into a Memory Care facility in July. She will often say I need to go home or I bet you wish I would go home. I always just smile and say something like you silly old woman and she always laughs. I pray she does well in the MC. She needs more stimuli than I can give. My mom is a sweetheart and makes friends easily. This weighs on my heart but I've not had any help from my 2 brothers and I'm tired.
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My mom asks often - I find that saying she is on list to a nice place near me [true] stalls the asking to move on - when she asks why she's there, I tell her until her walking is better or her hand is more functional so that I'm implying that it is mainly rehabilitation as to why she lives in a NH

When I visit I always bring something with me - a special coffee, a plant, a pix of family, bakery cookie, nail kit to do her nails pretty, etc - after a while she associated me with pleasure so she greets me with a smile as soon as she recognizes me - this is much like Pavlov's dog in that she sees me & that equals something good for her - this makes it so much better for both of us

When she asks about money I always use the same figures - but what she is really asking is can she afford to be there - I tell her there is enough money until she is 119 years old - she laughs & seems to remember deep down that there is no worry there because it is now every 4 to 5 months she asks about this now -

Get some pat answers ready & I use odd figures because they seem more accurate [like 119 not 120] which puts the answer on a more solid base - this shows you are on top of things for her - whenever something is good that I built on but she started [like investing in stocks etc] then I say that all her work she did years ago is paying off well for her now - it never hurts to boost the ego in anyone if you can legitimately do so

With a new place for your mom, now you start learning staff names - this effort pays off for everyone - you connect better with someone when you know their name, staff feel they are appreciated, if there is a problem you know who to talk to - don't try to do all those names at once but 1 name every 2 weeks is manageable - start with those working daily with her not the front office
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my FIL was always wanting to go home, everytime we saw him. My MIL would just say, 'Not today', or not even answer. He soon forgot about it.
If the Memory Director says your Mum is doing well, that is great. i would be wanting to her that rather than that things are terrible. It is their job to look after your Mum, you want to know that she is happy despite..... .
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"To go back" as you well know means to the days of yore. Tell her "you are home." She may fuss or throw a fit, but asking her if she could keep house when she would get back to her old home would be an unanswerable question (to her).
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My hubby is still home but have read that some in memory care like it because nothing is expected of them as they are all in same world. Also it's like when you have grandkids alone they are wonderful till dad & mom come. Home is in their mind one they lived in at age 7. Enjoy your free time knowing they are well taken care of. Hugs
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It may also be that she lives in the present moment. When you are there, she recalls your happiest times were "home" not where you are, regardless of how happy she is to see you, happy times around a christmas tree or in front of a tv set were not in this place. She has things to do and what you can do is look at the daily schedule and get there during those times but don't go in. Hang back and watch how they do. If you can find the mood in your own mindset, join in. If you don't swat the ball with them (it seems silly at first, but watch their faces on folks in wheel chairs who stare lifeless all day, watch how they respond when their recreational therapist laughs out loud if they can manage to swat the ball back....) You can join in that way if you have time. They are skilled in keeping things moving and helping people smile. Those folks may not remember in an hour, but for a little while they felt good.
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Expecting to move my father to AL this week and I am a little anxious about it. He doesn't want to move but he has stopped participating in activities where he currently lives and has indicated that he no longer feels safe living alone. Just had two falls - no injuries - where he could not get up or get help and medical professionals want him to have 24 hour supervision. None of his kids are situated to be able to provide that kind of care for him. I know he feels like he is being "put" somewhere and I am concerned about confusion given that he is in moderate stage of dementia. The place we have picked out is clean, cheerful and seems to be well-run. He also laments not being allowed to drive anymore, but I believe he is lamenting the life he had when he could just hop in the car and go somewhere, because physically he has too many limitations to go anywhere alone.
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This is something I have witnessed first hand being a caregiver and sent to facilities to care for an individual. This one little lady across the hall would cry and always ask her daughters to take her home. She was very confused and could not understand why she was there. It's heartbreaking when they cannot understand why their whole world has changed and they cannot understand logic anymore. I would sneek across to her room when my client was napping and get her to relax by chatting with her and getting her some goodies and she would quiet down for a bit. Poor thing was just confused and out of her element. You may want to limit your time on visits initially until she adjusts a bit. I know it sounds cruel but in the beginning, everytime she sees you, she will be expecting you to take her home. Moecam has great ideas! Make your visits positive, if she starts talking about going home, redirect her attention to something else. I know this must hurt you too but it sounds like she needs constant supervision from a trained staff. Hang in there, it will get better.
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